The 5 Reasons the Narcissist Devalues You



You will be familiar with the fact that one day you are cock of the walk and the next day you are a feather duster.

You are atop the pedestal and in a flash you have been thrown from it and you are lying in the dust as we stand over you berating you.

The sudden switch from hero to zero, from princess to pauper, from “good person” to “bad person” is perhaps the most confusing, bewildering and upsetting part of our behaviour. People cannot comprehend why they were being feted as the love of our life on Monday and then by Tuesday they are the devil incarnate.

It is something which causes (and of course we want this) victims of our nefarious behaviour to cling to us in order to get an answer, to receive an explanation and some kind of reasoning which will allow them to make sense of what has happened. They are unlikely to accept it, the emotional hold of the seduction and the golden period prevents acceptance of this sudden fall from grace for a very long time, but if you are able to understand why it happened, you are able to move yourself forward with greater speed than you would otherwise.

Our reasons may appear illogical to you based on your world view but at least you have some reasons and that is more than you would usually ever receive from our kind as we plough on with your devaluation offering no cogent or realistic explanation for this sudden switch. I am not explaining why we devalue you (fuel, control, reinforcement of our need for superiority and self-worth).

I am explaining what is it that makes us love you then hate you in the blink of an eye. What causes this sudden change, this 180-degree swing, this volte face, this switch? You will be given no answer or if you are they will not be anything to do with the real reason why we suddenly idealise you then devalue you.

These false reasons are wheeled out to make you remain all the more, pursuing an elusive point as we continue to drain you of negative fuel until we decide you are to be disengaged from. Thus, here are the five reasons that are the triggers for the devaluation.

  1. Stale

The fundamental reason for seducing you is to gather your potent and positive fuel. In the beginning and for some time afterwards we are invigorated by this precious fuel that you supply to us. We are reliant on it, we want and need it and we marvel at the fuel you provide us. This may last months or it may even last years dependent on our demands and your ability to fulfil them.

Your complacency however causes the fuel to become stale to us. You may not regard yourself as having done anything wrong. We understand that according to your view of how a healthy and mature relationship should progress that after a dizzying, honeymoon period the relationship moves to a deep-seated position where that initial buzz of excitement has faded to be replaced by something long-lasting, substantial and fulfilling.

Should you appreciate your relationship with us with this mind set, it results in us seeing you as complacent. You may regard it as a natural and understandable, indeed potentially necessary progression. We do not. Your failure to admire us in the way you once did (or at least the manifestation of this admiration), your demonstration of love, adoration and such like becomes lessened. You may not think that you love us any less but it is the way that appears to us that matters.

This change manifests as complacency to us and it makes your fuel become stale, less potent and this in turn threatens to weaken us. In order to defend ourselves we must immediately switch to the devaluation and extract the negative fuel from you which will power us to the extent we want and demand.

  1. Disobedience

Our sense of entitlement, inability to recognise and respect boundaries and huge need for control means that we have to have you do what we want. This control arises through the application of the incentive, the carrot approach, when we have seduced you and the golden period is in play.

Through the application of wonderful and loving behaviour we cause you to do what we want by providing fuel and carrying out our wishes. We have delighted you and you want to please us in return. We provide you with the love you desire and you respond by complying with our requirements. When you stop submitting to this benign control then we will switch and commence the devaluation.

You may, when viewed objectively by others, be correct in not doing what we want, taking an alternative course of action and doing something else but to us that is irrelevant. You are challenging our control and this cannot be countenanced. In order to stamp out this uprising before it gains traction and undermines our careful operation that has been constructed to control you and gain fuel from you, we must tighten our control, remove the dissent and increase our grip on you. This is when the devaluation begins. We move from benign dictator to malign tyrant.

  1. See Through

If we apprehend that you are working us out. If we perceive that you have been influenced by another source and you are joining the dots. If we gauge that you are beginning to realise what we are and what we are doing, then we must strike first in order to shock and awe you into submission once more and dispel your fabrications.

You may well be right but we are not going to accept you being right. We will switch to the devaluation in order to unleash all those manipulations which will confuse you, drain you and most of all make out that it is all your fault. We have done nothing wrong other than love you with a perfect love and instead you have brought this on yourself through your lies about what we are and your treachery.

We cannot allow you to unmask us and therefore we will assault you with a frenzied devaluation which gives you no option other than to try and defend yourself so you lose sight of your goal of seeing through us. We will make you feel guilty, cruel and heartless in the hope of tapping into your empathic traits so you stop what you have been doing and concentrate on putting things right between us, mending the relationship and showing that you care. The commencement of the devaluation when you are uncovering what we are is a massive distraction exercise designed to protect us and harm you.

  1. The Hoover Opportunity

This is not a hoover against you. Instead it is the opportunity which suddenly arises to hoover a predecessor. This person may have been dis-engaged from and moved away from our sphere of influence or they have escaped and done likewise, but now something has happened whereby they have come back into our sphere of influence. The promise of that sweet and powerful hoover fuel will outweigh the positive fuel that you are currently providing us with.

The prospect of getting this hoover fuel means that we want to focus our attention on the predecessor and hoover them. We will not get shot of you, not yet, because that will leave us in in-between primary sources of fuel. Instead, we commence the hoover to seduce again your predecessor and thus because they have appeared on the horizon they make you look like the less desirable option.

This causes us to question why we are with you, to regard you as a mistake and therefore we switch to devaluing you as we begin the seduction of them once again. Should the hoover fail, expect the golden period to be reinstated for you, with another sudden switch. Should it succeed and we begin to tie the predecessor back to us once more with the hoover fuel beginning to flow, you can expect the devaluation to worsen as you hurtle towards being dis-engaged from.

A sudden switch to devaluation may indeed herald the fact that a predecessor has appeared on our radar and we are hoovering that person at your expense.

  1. Total Control

You are aware that we want to control you. This is fundamental to the dynamic between us. Yet, as a further example of the double standards that we engage in we want to control you and if you disobey us we will commence your devaluation but furthermore if we believe we have obtained total control over you then we will similarly commence your devaluation because we know that you will do anything that we want and we will just use you to validate ourselves in the event that other, more exciting prospects do not fuel us during the course of the day.

You become relegated to the reliable and dependable, because you are actually doing precisely what we want, but through our warped logic, this equates to you no longer being special. Thus we need to make you special to us once again and we do this through devaluation. We will not cast you aside when we have achieved total control, not at all. This state of affairs brings with it considerable benefits but they will now be channelled through the filter of devaluation and not idealisation. It is symptomatic of the bizarre (when judged from your perspective) logic we apply that when you finally do the very thing we want, we turn against you and begin your devaluation.

How do you deal with all of this? The short answer is you cannot. Any of these five reasons may suddenly apply without warning and your devaluation starts. You cannot avoid it and you could not avoid it. You did nothing wrong, but you did everything wrong from our world view.

There is nothing you can do to avoid this happening, because once the trigger happens, the devaluation will follow. The thing you can draw the greatest solace from however is that in knowing this is how we are, in knowing that there was nothing you can do or you could have done to have changed the outcome, you at least now have this knowledge and through it you can attain freedom from the doubt, uncertainty and sheer bewilderment of wondering why it happened.

70 thoughts on “The 5 Reasons the Narcissist Devalues You

  1. Kim says:

    Ah pipe down over there!


  2. duchessbea says:

    Witch, you are the strongest person I know to allow a narcissist back there with a razor. Kudos to you. I can tell who wears the trousers in your relationships. Personally speaking, not into that myself. Showering together yes, brushing teeth together yes. All toilet habits a big HELL NO. Smartening up the Lady Garden, and trimming and shaving a few bushes and hedges, I leave in the very capable hands of the beauty salon. Lockdown being the exception, I did it myself. Totally agree with HG that ladies bottoms are for spanking, both with a hand and any other fun props, you have in the wardrobe. As I am quite a naughty little minx, I frequently enjoy a good spanking as punishment. Fabulous.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I’ll be doing some pruning of my own shortly if there are any more posts re hygiene and beauty routines, it’s strayed away from the original query.

      1. Duchessbea says:

        Sincere apologies HG. But you know us ladies when we get chatting… You should count your lucky stars we didn’t start talking about waxing. In all it’s glory. Particularly the hot wax from candles. That would be a very deep and thorough conversation. Just getting hot now thinking about it.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It would be halted before it got anywhere. This isn’t a beautician’s salon.

          1. Duchessbea says:

            I feel like I have been naughty and I must be chastised. Hmmm. Paddle or Riding crop or hand. So many choices…

          2. NarcAngel says:

            We are all skirting with #2 on this article.

            (Haha. I got #2 in)

            FINE Tudor! The moat it is.

            ** sticks out tongue and runs like hell **

          3. Eternity says:

            Hi , do you still get your hair cut every 10 days? If you did how did you manage during the outbreak when salons and barber shops were closed.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            I would have paid a barber I know to visit and cut my hair however it was an opportunity to lengthen my hair for another purpose, so I let it grow. It has returned to short status and greets the barber in accordance with the usual time frame.

          5. Empath007 says:

            you can probably learn more about narcissism then hygiene in a beauty salon.

          6. Violetta says:

            Not Castle Anthraxagain.

          7. Eternity says:

            HG, your hair must have looked nice longer and does look good on some men with long bangs , but I am glad you kept in short and chic! Probably looks more professionally and makes you look younger as well too.

  3. Kim e says:

    OMG. Someone please hide this from MB.. Dead Unicorns or Dropped trousers. Not sure which she would need more time to recover from

  4. Duchessbea says:

    Lads, I’m sitting here having breakfast and howling with laughter. How did it turn into this. Always comes back to the toilet humour.😂😂😂😂

  5. Kristin says:

    My ULN gets his rocks off by doing and saying disgusting things…so very endearing. Too bad for him that it is just another nail in his coffin and encourages me to continue to move forward towards escape. I’m actually at the point where the fear is very low and I get a bit excited to be free. So much progress because of HG!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Well done Kristin.

      1. Kristin says:

        Thank you HG, all due to you.

        1. Kim e says:

          HG does not get ALL the credit. You put in the work.
          Walking down the dungeon stairs now……….

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Ah pipe down over there!

          2. Kristin says:

            Thank you Kim e! I think HG is feeling a bit slighted by your remark so we best listen and “pipe down.”

            I am exercising great restraint by not adding an emoji to this reply HG. You’re welcome.

          3. Violetta says:

            Kim E:

            It’s a fair point. We have free will here. Anyone who wants to read HG’s advice and not heed it may do so. Kristin deserves credit for both reading and heeding.

            For that matter, we are free not to read here, a freedom of which some spattering seagulls never seem to avail themselves, after repeatedly promising to take their Nerf balls and go home.

            What a dull world this would be without KTN! In addition to missing out on HG’s wit and wisdom, we would miss such literary gems as K’s referring to maternal excretion as “a pyroclastic pile of death.” Oh, the humanity!

          4. K says:

            Hahahaha…thanks for the laugh Violetta!

  6. Kim e says:

    Somewhere a unicorn just died….

    Someone check on MB please!

  7. Duchessbea says:

    HG, I have read a number of articles tonight, and it just occurred to me that other narcissists are also commenting. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. The Empaths I can spot straight away. I guess the narcissists need somewhere to vent aswell. And of course to perfect and learn there trade from the best. That is you HG.

  8. Kiki says:

    The devaluation
    It goes from lots of phone calls , and sweet nothings To I’ll TRY to give you a call over the next few days , as if the narc is chained in a basement and has to make a herculian effort to tap a number.
    This is when the narc takes full CONTROL, the empath is now on edge , anxious.
    Does the narc get a kick out of this
    This switch happens overnight .

    Then comes the silent treatment, with intermittent contact just enough to keep you hooked and drive you insane and depressed.
    This is the pattern I get and I can see it but breaking it is hard .


  9. Eternity says:

    HG, Can a N disengage from you without finding an IPPS replacement?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes. See 5 Disengagement Triggers

      1. Eternity says:

        Thanks a bunch !

  10. December Infinity says:

    I am trying to comprehend the idea of devaluation. From my situation it would seem I was in a long period of devaluation on and off as I was heavily relied on financially. I was subjected to his victim mentality (demonstrated through quitting jobs frequently, excessive drama over health issues and running scams to avoid keeping a job and so forth) which got worse over time. So if I understand correctly, the concept of devaluation implies the literal decrease of value of a particular appliance (me in this instance) for whatever reason that is seen fit at whatever moment in time. The devaluation would be presented through a variety of means such as insults, aggression, withholding communication, ignoring, leaving me alone for an unknown amount of time and such.

    1. mollyb5 says:

      HG , can shitting on the toilet without shutting the door , cleaning his ears out right in front of me , and of course hiding his private dick when changing clothes …all be forms of devaluation. Not caring enough to close the door when in the toilet …when he use to . Now just seeing the primary as nobody to impress .

      1. HG Tudor says:

        1. Engaging in a copious evacuation without shutting the door – sense of entitlement, lack of emotional empathy, lack of accountability, boundary violation – all amounting to an assertion of control through devaluing behaviour towards you.
        2. Cleaning his ears in front of you – sense of entitlement, lack of emotional empathy, lack of accountability, boundary violation – all amounting to an assertion of control through devaluing behaviour towards you.
        3. Hiding his private dick when changing clothes – triangulation although I have to wonder why he is carrying a private detective around!

        1. alexissmith2016 says:

          HG why do so many Ns go to the toilet without closing the door? It does seem to be a pretty common theme.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            May I suggest the question you should really be asking? Why am I, AS2016, hanging around the toilets so often?

          2. alexissmith2016 says:

            oh, do you have an answer to that question for me HG? Why am I?

          3. HG Tudor says:

            You have a thirst for knowledge which takes you into places of peril and odour.

          4. alexissmith2016 says:

            It’s an important aspect. Toilet habits can reveal a lot about an individual.

          5. HG Tudor says:

            Is that why you take the piss so often?!

          6. alexissmith2016 says:

            oh? do I?

          7. HG Tudor says:

            Yes. That is what I wrote, so that is what I meant.

          8. Witch says:

            I’m not an N and I do that and worse.. once we have crossed into the territory of comfortablity (is that even a word?)
            I’m taking a dump while you’re in the shower.. I will even change my sanitary towel in front of you. I will ask you to help me shave my bum crack. I don’t care

          9. HG Tudor says:

            Somewhere a unicorn just died….

          10. alexissmith2016 says:

            HHahaha me too. But I’ve heard a lot of Es comment about Ns doing this and I was intrigued.
            I knew I could count on you Witch

          11. Truthseeker6157 says:

            Similar to dogs sniffing each other’s butts

          12. truthseeker6157 says:

            Unless it’s a narcissist dog.

            Then it’s butt sniff by proxy.

          13. NarcAngel says:


            I hope MB doesn’t find out about the Unicorn.

          14. Witch says:

            I consider it the best stage of the relationship. When you can completely be yourself without embarrassment

          15. HG Tudor says:

            For you, not so much for the underling singing in the shower whilst you are having a copious evacuation and who is then enlisted to remove your tangleberries and the Klingons on the starboard bow!

          16. alexissmith2016 says:

            HG you do realise that girls bottoms only excrete flowers, gin and chocolate and all pretty lovely nicely scented things.

          17. HG Tudor says:

            Ladies´ bottoms are for spanking. The end.

          18. K says:

            To traumatize the hell out of you. Seeing my mother buck nekkid on the toilet, when I was a kid, was worse than getting physically abused.

          19. alexissmith2016 says:

            awww oh no! that would be horrible! I remember if my mother ever left the foor open, I would run in and flush it whilst she was sat on the throne ahah but she was at least fully clothed

          20. HG Tudor says:

            And so the toilet obsession began…..

          21. MommyPino says:

            “ I consider it the best stage of the relationship. When you can completely be yourself without embarrassment”

            Haha Witch I will never get to that stage of the relationship. I prefer to keep certain things mysterious FOREVER. If someone gets comfortable like that with me I’ll be very comfortable to leave. 😎

          22. Witch says:

            Because I’m not an N
            I believe in do onto others, so I will also tolerate the bathroom invasion.
            I will also service the other person by squeezing out the black heads anywhere on their body

          23. HG Tudor says:

            Those unicorns are dropping faster than Prince Andrew´s trousers at an Epstein gathering.

          24. alexissmith2016 says:

            Oooh you’ve definitely beaten me on that one witch, I don’t want to touch anything yucky lol

          25. K says:

            The stench was like a pyroclastic cloud of death and she wouldn’t flush…quelle horreur!

          26. Witch says:

            Don’t listen to HG he’s being fraudulent right now… when it’s the golden period man’s basking in ambience of her fart

          27. NarcAngel says:

            I was still trying to process an ass crack requiring two people and a razor when I was with “extraction”. I need a minute.

          28. Witch says:

            I may have exaggerated slightly… I wouldn’t trust someone there with a razor but maybe a waxing kit…

            This reminds me when I did a big long burp in front of the ex narc and he was so rattled. He started telling me how his parents never allowed him or his siblings to fart or burp in front of each other. I told him if he doesn’t like it he can get out my house. See why I get devalued early?

          29. alexissmith2016 says:

            Lol yes! I was never allowed to burp or fart. I still don’t lol. I must be one giant gas bubble inside ahahah

          30. Violetta says:

            I’ll never understand the attraction. I’ve changed babies and mucked stables, and while I am not particularly squeamish about either, I wouldn’t call it titillating.

          31. alexissmith2016 says:

            I don’t find it titillating but quite happy to have a chat

          32. Violetta says:

            Klingons on the starboard bow
            Starboard bow
            Starboard bow
            Klingons on the starboard bow
            Will someone scrape ’em off?

            Do they have Dr. Demento in the UK?

          33. HG Tudor says:


        2. Kristin says:

          Out of respect for you HG, I will say Ha Ha in lieu of LOL. You all make me laugh and I love it!

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Respect is due!

          2. Kristin says:

            Always, you are the world’s expert after all or so I’ve heard!

          3. HG Tudor says:

            No, you are correct.

          4. Kristin says:

            Yes, I know HG and we are the lucky ones.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.