The Desire to Destroy the Narcissist



I know you hate me. Your kind are filled with love and then filled with hate. There is no need to deny it. It is a normal reaction for someone like you and one which I entirely endorse and encourage.

I know you will try and mask that burning anger that you feel by saying you pity me or that you have nothing but contempt for me but I can see it. Those sensational eyes of yours that once blazed with desire, passion and most of all hope, are now filled with the churning, billowing flames of hatred.

Some of you will fight to contain this sensation. You fear that by giving in to this hatred that you will somehow be on a level with me. I can ease your fears in that regard. You are nowhere near my level and nor were you. I placed you far higher than me to begin with. Yes it was artificial and all part of my design but you had no complaint then did you? You did not object or demur when I thrust you skywards and planted you on that pedestal. Of course you did not.

Who would?

Nobody would and least of all somebody like you. Now you are on your true level, way down below me, cast onto stony ground, broken and shattered. Amazing though isn’t it how you managed to summon such an anger from somewhere. How many times had you said to your confidantes that you felt numb (yes they were reporting back to me). Yet now look at you. A seething, glowering fireball of hatred and it is all directed at me. I adore this.

You want to destroy me. I know you do. You all do. The one before you was exactly the same as the one before was and the one before her. The next one will be just the same,although I do still hold out some hope that she might just be different and somehow avoid the mistakes all those who have gone before have made.

I have seen this hatred many times and your desire for revenge is strong. Of course it is. I made it this way. Everything I did as I brought you down low was programmed to cause you to eventually explode into hatred. From elation to despair, through broken to numb. Eventually the switch would be flicked and as puppet master I ignite the fire beneath you which stokes the flames of hatred.

Despise me, go on, do it. Send those wicked words towards me. Tell me what a bastard I am. Keep it coming. Pull your hair, wave your fist and stamp your feet. Tell me how you are going to scratch my car. Feels good does it not? Believe me, it feels even better being on the receiving end of your bile and hate.

Go on, sit with your friends and plot your revenge, I can feel you all huddled around your cauldron as you try and concoct ways at getting back at me. I feel so powerful knowing you are focussed on seeking retribution. This is what I want. I want to bask in the heat of your anger, I want to be covered in the disgust and distaste that you will spew towards me.

I want you scheming, hatching and planning. By hurting you so deeply I plant inside you that overwhelming desire to get even with me. It happens every time and is all part of my master plan to ensure you, my beautiful appliance keep pouring fuel in my direction. I make you seek revenge for in doing so, your planning and ham-fisted execution of the same give me what I want. Fuel.

You are blinded with your hatred so that you fail to realise you will not succeed in gaining revenge, not by shouting, spitting and scratching. Oh no, this overload of howling anger is just a banshee of fuel to me. I will twist and shift as I thwart your attempts, laughing at your pathetic efforts to try and get one over on me. This will spur you on as I lead you on yet another merry dance as I continue to take from you exactly what I need.

All you will do by obsessing over trying to bring me down is remain ensnared. True, we may no longer be in a Formal Relationship as husband and wife any longer, but you are continuing to engage with me. You are thinking about how to bring me down, you are discussing how hateful I am with your friends, you are stalking my online activity, you drive past where I work and where I live to see what I am doing as you plot and hatch.

All you are doing is keeping me alive in your mind, making it easier and easier for me to stay there. Your emotional thinking was too high to begin with as a consequence of the ensnarement and then the unanswered questions when I disengaged from you. You failed to drain your emotional thinking.

You failed to allow your logic to gain any kind of foothold. You have read, watched and listened but there is no room for it to sink in because your emotional thinking was too high and furthermore it remains too high. It remains too high because your desire to destroy me, to exact revenge and see me suffer keeps feeding that emotional thinking.

Round and round your thoughts go. You think you are feeling better, no longer sad, no longer hurting, but the anger that has replaced those feelings (or perhaps has temporarily overridden them) means that you have lost insight.

Your emotional thinking has you in its grip. It, in its usual cunning way, has conned you into thinking that you have moved forward by causing you to think that this anger, this planning, this desire to destroy is evidence of progress and recovery.

It is not.

It is too soon. Too soon from your disengagement. Too soon from your escape. Too soon from the hoovering.

All you are doing is engaging with me once more. My reactions may seem one of anger and irritation, but that is just my self-defence mechanism responding in order to assert my superiority once again as I draw on your Challenge Fuel. You are not wounding me. I repeat, you are not wounding me.

Your attacks against me are surrounded by venom, anger and annoyance. Thus it is Challenge Fuel. This just fuels me and my responses cause you to think you are getting to me, you are not, those reactions are designed, an instinctive response by my narcissism, to make you think you are getting somewhere, to make you give me more fuel and to allow me to assert my superiority over you as that must always be done.

Your desire for revenge is premature. You must reduce your emotional thinking through a robust no contact, you must build your Logic Defences and allow them to gain a foothold and then bring that reduced emotional thinking under control. This takes time, many months, to achieve.

Yet once done, with that emotional thinking at a far lower level and with logic prevailing, any remaining desire to destroy (and often it has now faded with the diminution of emotional thinking) means that it will be deployed from a distance, with cool, hard calculation and if you do so in accordance with the steps set out in my work Revenge then you will avoid being ensnared, you will avoid messing up the revenge campaign and you are far, far more likely to meet with success.

But if you fail to heed these wise words and think you know better. If you think you are ready now to effect revenge, with ill-preparation and rampant emotional thinking then please do seek it.

You will not get it.

40 thoughts on “The Desire to Destroy the Narcissist

  1. blackcoffee30 says:

    *Patience is a virtue* *Patience is a virtue* *Patience is a virtue*

    Patience while logic sets its roots.

  2. mollyb5 says:

    HG ..I feel I know it’s devaluing my existence and showing in his mind he doesn’t really give a shit what I do or say …and I’m not worthy of his respect.

  3. Caity says:


    I don’t know if you should or would put this here but I wanted to bring my own clarity to what you’ve done for me, and I’m certain, for so many others like me.

    To say reading your books and articles was an epiphany puts too light a stroke on it. Reading the first book I bought (Fury) I was more….a desperate person who’d tried all they knew to heal a wound that kept growing, spreading along with the pain; a person who’d put on plaster after plaster, trying to cover the gape; to hide the more obvious visual of damage and knew the effort was for naught. And then someone (you) came along and said they can help but there is a risk. The risk is facing the wound…head on, no blinkers.

    The epiphany was the ripping off of layers upon layers of plasters, to face that wound, because only then, when I could really look at it, could I begin the actual work to heal it, and me.

    ‘Ah ha’ moments, there were, but each had a bite, much like an antiseptic swab brushed against a wound…after the first sharp, I grew to accept the necessity of that pain, and then to welcome it as I knew with every wince and grit of teeth, I was healing. Actually healing, not just applying another plaster to hide the wound.

    That’s what you’ve done for me, with every consise comment and with humour, too, on your blog, you brought me back to me. The wound is but a scar now…a remembrance and a warning. Because of you, I’ll always listen, be more careful, won’t deny experience but will judge it more logically. And help everyone I can to realise the plaster is not the cure, no matter how much one layers it.

    For the cure, I bring them to you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am pleased my work has proven so effective for you, although I am not surprised. I also appreciate you referring other people to my work.

  4. Amy says:

    I finally managed to get my emotional thinking under control and yes it took many years. Which is usual I would say if you were in a marriage for 20 years. Having 2 children with the ex doesnt ever allow me to go no contact, but reduced contact as the kids get older has certainly helped me. However at this point, there’s no need for revenge – I do in fact desperately feel compassion for him and a great deal of pity. I have begged his family to help him, which has caused the entire family to cut me off. This did take me by surprise as I was always close to them and believed that they also loved me. However confronting people with hard based evidence, doesn’t help at all and they continue to be flying monkeys. They have lost half of their family / even biological family and they continue to protect him.
    They even condoned him abandoning his own child ( whom he had with another woman). How is this possible??? These are educated and intelligent people. It breaks my heart.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Amy, the fact that you feel compassion for him and have begged his family to help him demonstrates that your emotional thinking is not as low as it should be, because it is causing you to breach no contact more than you should (given your position of co parenting). There are several reasons why the family have responded in the way that they have, despite your well-intentioned actions and I can explain that to you in detail through consultation so you understand why it has happened, the impact on you and the steps you can take to protect yourself further, given this ongoing situation.

  5. Whitney says:

    HG today is a good day for me. My most beautiful friend said the one who choked me looks like a really dirty rat. That helped my thinking a lot.

  6. Joanne McEvoy says:

    This was an interesting point of view to read and ponder for a moment. In my case I ended the ‘relationship’ with him mid March. I got fed up with the all of the chaos he created over 4 years while he was living off me and contributing very little to anything. I was a financial transaction so to speak, a base camp. I was done with it and no longer interested in any type of interaction with him any longer. I am still trying to make sense of things. So it is now 4.5 months since this occurred. Initially I had the desire to get revenge on him for what he did, plus he owes me money. I don’t think I will have any more interaction with him as he moved 5 hours drive away to be with the long distance females he had been pursuing I assume.There is nothing to think about in terms of HIM and I am aware that he certainly is NOT thinking about me. However, I think that comprehending what I have gone through and using it as a learning tool is more effective, in addition to, pursuing my own interests Doing the aforementioned would serve me better than attempting to get revenge on him. A revenge campaign would be something he would do, given the tirades, rages and destructive impulsive behaviour. Besides after what I have been though, I think he is living his own karma given the vapid black hole of nothingness that he is.

  7. Janna says:

    When I read this I felt that you hate people. You think you are better and you despise other people for being human and inferior to you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Not quite right, I am better.

      1. Ren says:


        Not quite right. You are ‘better-er’.

        There. Fixed it for you.


        You walked into that one!

        1. Janna says:

          Yes! It was quite a witty reply!

      2. Duchessbea says:

        Let’s hear it for being humble and modest!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I prefer accurate.

      3. Duchessbea says:

        Sorry HG, no offence intended, just in one of those humours. Will take a dose of medicine be better by tomorrow.

  8. truthseeker6157 says:

    Honestly, I don’t feel any of that. No hatred or desire for revenge. No wanting to say my piece or get back at him in any way. Just acceptance it wouldn’t work so it was time to ship out. I think being in a ‘long distance’ situation is likely the reason why. I’ve never been venomous at the end of relationships though. I just go when it’s time to go. My problem was not recognising it was actually time to go. Until I came here that is.

    I don’t feel numb, not broken, a bit sad still, he creeps into my thoughts in the evenings mostly, that’s conditioning, it’s when we chatted most. All in all, my thinking feels pretty clear I think. My ET shoots up quickly, as it did a couple of weeks ago when I was messaged. But it falls rapidly too. I’ve just stopped fighting for it. I think I’m ok with that.

    Does this mean my ET is now at a wholly manageable level? I didn’t go through what others did. Should be easier for me to lower ET shouldn’t it?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is not, but it is coming down, as evidence by what you have written. Maintain a solid no contact and it will drop further.

      1. truthseeker6157 says:

        Understood HG. Thank you for the assessment.

  9. Claudia Rusu says:

    I do not hate your kind, I hate myself for stepping into your kind’s trap. I hate myself for not seeing and listening my first gut that I had when I met your kind. I hate him and I love him, I know it sounds mental but is exactly how I feel inside. I know very well that I cannot be with him even if he is crawling back to me, this is at my brain level, on the other hand I know that if I ever see him again I will not resist even if I know very well that it is going to be worse than it was before. That is a song “I love the way you lie” …mental, insane but so so true.
    What I don’t understand is why on Earth if I know, for sure, how is going to be, why I still want him, deep deep inside I still want him hoping that maybe, and this is really mental because I know 100% that is going to be a disaster, somewhere, at some level I will heal him with my love. I am fighting every single day with myself, I want to suffocate that feeling that I have inside my stomach every time when I see a picture or a text or anything about him.
    It is a war inside me every single day and it’s exhausting.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Claudia,

      This is your addiction, and through the Emotional Thinking that it generates, it is corrupting certain of your traits, you will benefit from accessing these
      The Addiction Triple Pack –
      I will help you understand and get rid of the feelings you are experiencing.

    2. Caity says:

      Claudia Rusu,

      There is another song, newer but along the same lines, “I love you, I hate you, I hate that I love you.” Not sure if it was written by a narc (possible, as the rest of it includes verses that could only be considered Midrange Narcissist) but these words brought back memories of how I felt when I broke up with my ex.

      Just know, Claudia, what you are feeling is something the vast majority here on this blog have felt, or are feeling and that you are in the best place here, to heal and to find yourself again. I understand how awful it is, how almost unbearable the days are and the nights are, but trust me, trust us here, it *does* get better.

      HG has helped us, his articles, consultations and more, have all helped pull us out of the place you are right now, and he can help you too. We can help, as well. Come in when you need to vent, or feel the need to talk, or are confused. There’s always someone to listen, to offer encouragement, and most important to assure you that you are not losing your mind, that it isn’t you’re ‘fault’, it never was your ‘fault’–and help you become the strong person you can be, need to be, will be–to get through this time.

      1. NarcAngel says:

        What a great supportive welcome.

        1. Caity says:

          Thank you. I don’t often comment because others (such as yourself) usually do it so much better than I could. Her comment…hurt me. I remembered how it felt, and I remembered too, how later, after I stumbled upon this blog, how I wished before I’d got so deep that I’d had a place like this and someone like HG to make sense of the senseless.

          I remember flailing…just flailing before I found this blog, and then HG’s books.

          Maybe not said as well as you or others have done, but I had to try to make sure she knew he and we are here.

          After reading so many of your comments (and enjoying your wicked sense of humour, as well), I’m flattered by your acknowledgment.

    3. truthseeker6157 says:

      Skylar Grey. Love her stuff. ‘Love the way you lie‘ is a great song. Exceptionally sad. Just my style ha ha. I don’t listen to happy music, odd as I’m a reasonably up beat person. My play list is not.

      And, you will resist him going forward. The material available to you here on the blog will enable you to do that. Just give it a chance, take your time and just keep reading. Bit by bit you will get to a point where you make the decision that will be your turning point.

      In the meantime, might I suggest that you switch ‘Love the way you lie’ for ‘Twisted’ ? A little dark, but kind of apt.

      “ The rain won’t stop, it’ll never dry, if she’s in the house of pain, then love is standing outside.”


    4. Eternity says:

      Claudia , I feel for you so much . If you were in front of me I would give you a hug i dont care about Covid19. Our ET will kill us first instead of this nasty virus. Take care!

    5. lisk says:

      Hate yourself for being an addict.

      If there’s any love for yourself deep down inside, do something about your addiction.

      1. Kim e says:

        WOW. That is kinda rough dont you think? Being an addict is not a choice. Loving oneself for some is never going to happen due to their CD. So does that mean they can never get over their addiction? No it does not.
        I know I am a good person. I know I did not ask for this addiction. But I am trying really hard to get over it. I would not use the term “I love myself” just because that is not who I am.
        Your reply was very offensive to me whether that is the way it was meant or not.
        You are here Lisk because of your addiction. Do you deep down, love yourself?

        1. lisk says:



          1. Beguiled says:

            You sound like HG 😉

            Yep, sometimes it takes tough love. We can be so silly with our excuses for not doing what needs to be done. Myself included.

  10. Asp Emp says:

    “A seething, glowering fireball of hatred and it is all directed at me.”. I like that.

    Maybe you’re better off with a Greater or an Empath that would accept you as you are. Maybe you’ll never be happy with any future IPSS or whatever you are really seeking for. You will always ‘find faults’. There is no PERFECT person out there. Everyone has flaws. Including you.

    Hahaha. Cauldron. LOLOL. Yeah, that’s an idea. Get one to fit you in it. Job done.

    The Logic Defences & Emotional Thinking does take time. It depends on whether one understands what they have been through & WTF has been done to them – only AFTER doing the learning that would have been very useful indeed if it were taught as a subject at school.

    Loved the wording “rampant emotional thinking”.

    Right now, it’s still “recovery period”. It gets easier but it still bloody hurt. Hurt like Hell. Never has a Narc done so much hurt. I understand but have not accepted. As yet. All it matters right now, is Me. Me. Me.

  11. Eternity says:

    HG , it sounds like you like the negative fuel better than the positive ones. Hate is such a strong word.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      See Fuel

      1. Eternity says:

        Read the book, loved it ! 5 star review on Amazon too!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you.

        2. Duchessbea says:

          Good to know. Will be getting a few as presents.

          1. Eternity says:

            Good idea. They would make great Xmas presents .

    2. Caity says:


      I laughed when I read your comment. My ex-narc always, *always* used to say that to me, especially when I asked him why he acted like he hated me right after acting like he loved me.

      “Hate is such a strong word, Caity.” he would answer. Every time.

      It truly was an act, both of them, only at the time I didn’t know it, or that it was all about fuel, and eventually he preferred the negative far more than the positive.

      “Hate is such a strong word, Caity.”

      It certainly is.

      1. Eternity says:

        Hate really is a strong word Caity. I personally dont hate anyone unless they really push my buttons . I forgive but never ever forget !
        Take care!

        1. Caity says:

          I believe, Eternity, when he said it, it was a put down. The comment shushed me, as if my feelings and questioning of his attitude didn’t matter. Hard to argue with “Hate is strong word, Caity.” when I asked why he acted like he hated me. Shuts you down, ends conversation, makes *you* the bad guy for questioning awful behaviour.

          Blame shifting, redirecting crap. I fell for it every time. Learned not to ever say that to him, or say he was scaring me (that got the reply “If you think I’m scaring you, I can’t have that. Maybe I should go away, leave you.”)

          Ends complaints, ends challenging.

          That was his way and he was good at it.

          1. Eternity says:

            So sorry to hear that Caity. They are so good at making us feel low and bad about ourselves and they succeed everytime .
            I try not to let him get to me as much anymore,but it hurts each time and he will do it in front of an audience to feel superior to make himself look good.
            There is no win situation with these people it’s in their blood.

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