10 Unintended Consequences Of Your Responses To The Narcissist



The law of unintended consequences applies to much in the world and is just as applicable to the world in which you have been inserted by our kind. In terms of unintended consequences arising from an act committed or a step taken, there are three categories. There are the unexpected benefits. For instance, aspirin is used as a painkiller but has also been found to be an excellent anti-coagulant and is used to assist those with heart and circulatory problems. There are the unintended drawbacks. For instance, Prohibition in the United States during the 1920s suppressed the alcohol trade. Its unintended consequence was to drive alcohol provision into the hands of organised crime which resulted in those organisations becoming wealthier and better funded to expand their criminal activities. The final category concerns the perverse result. I have two favourites examples in this regard. The first became known as the Streisand Effect whereby the actress and singer Barbara Streisand took legal action concerning the online publication of a picture of her home. Prior to legal action only six people had downloaded the picture. Following her legal action 420 000 people downloaded it as a consequence of the coverage of the case. There is much to be said to not drawing attention to something by complaining about it in the first place. The second example of a perverse result concerns the then British government’s handling of venomous cobras in Delhi, India. It was decided in order to encourage the local populace to hunt down and reduce the number of cobras that a bounty would be offered for each cobra killed and handed in. Enterprising individuals decided it was easier just to breed the cobras than hunt them down, kill them and hand them in. Once the government realised that this was happening, they withdrew the bounty. The populace then released the now worthless cobras. Thus the number not only was not  reduced but actually increased.

The unexpected drawbacks and perverse results are also applicable to you in terms of your dealing with our kind. Owing to the fact that most people do not know what they are dealing with, how we think, how we regard the world and why we do as we do, these people approach any issue concerning us with what they think are sensible and well thought out intentions. They believe that dealing with us in a certain way will bring about a desired result which will prove beneficial to them. This lack of understanding, incomplete analysis and attempt to control something which they do not actually know how to control, results in unintended consequences of the unpleasant variety. Here are ten examples of that at work.


  1. Giving us a dressing down

Intention – to put us in our place so we know you are displeased so we do not repeat the behaviour.

Unintended consequence – you provide us with fuel and we do it all the more as we realise how well (from our perspective) you react


  1. Mirroring our behaviour

Intention – it will stop us doing what we are doing

Unintended consequence – we will shift to a different manipulation and apply it with greater vigour against you





  1. Telling everybody how awful we behave towards you

Intention – people will believe you, support you and turn against us

Unintended consequence – you are seen as The Crazy One, your position is eroded and ours becomes stronger


  1. You try to reason with us

Intention – we understand the error of our ways and will correct them. You feel satisfied

Unintended consequence – you ignite our fury through this criticism of us by suggesting we are wrong in some way and you become frustrated and upset at your failure to make any headway


  1. You turn to one of our friends for help

Intention – we may not listen to you, but we will listen to our best friend won’t we? The problem will be resolved

Unintended consequence – you are feeding information to our lieutenant. You are seen as treacherous and this helpful intention will be turned around and used against you.


  1. You tell us everything about yourself

Intention – by opening up yourself to us you hope we will do the same and therefore there will be mutual trust and understanding.

Unintended consequence – you are handing us bullets which we will later fire at you based on what you have disclosed to us about your fears, weaknesses and vulnerabilities

  1. You second guess us, anticipate and dedicate yourself to avoiding upsetting us

Intention – we will be pleased, you will not set us off in any way, there will be peace and harmony in the household

Unintended consequence – you may achieve peace and stability but at the cost of your sanity, reason, sleep and nerves and the period of stability never lasts.


  1. You play hard to get with us

Intention – by treating us mean we will be keen, yes?

Unintended consequence – you are criticising us. We will lash out at you and go and find someone else to triangulate with you who does what we want.


  1. You tell us what we really are

Intention – you gain the upper hand by letting us know that you know, you also hope to cause us to reflect on our behaviour

Unintended consequence – we deny what you are suggesting, we will not accept it and we lash out at you for having criticised us in this way


  1. You beg and plead for us to change

Intention – since we apparently love you, this emotive display must surely go noticed and we will respond in a constructive fashion

Unintended consequence – we drink up this delicious fuel and keep pumping it out of you by hurting you further


12 thoughts on “10 Unintended Consequences Of Your Responses To The Narcissist

  1. Kathleen says:

    Yes once you realize what you’re dealing with usually try to move to walking on egg shells and playing games to try and keep the peace and manipulate outcomes that keep the peace. However the sacrifices and pain that comes with that is unbearable after appoint. And that trickles down into everything. Either you have to become as crazy or it grinds you down in ruins your life.
    Since leaving mine-I have almost stopped drinking except a social drink now and then, I am in the best physical shape of my life I got a promotion I feel happy as hell I have from some new friends I’m sleeping well etc. I recommend it highly to anyone still entangled… Get Out!

  2. Alex says:

    I agree wiv most of this above emperor and dark Lord of the sith hg. However there r different types of mirroring, let me expand my point.1). A better and more rigid word would be ‘mimicking’ the narc, mirroring in this context is to broad a term. How? The heyoka empath doesn’t mimic the narc, the empath or co-dependent will of course so will the unguarded super empath. Thus causing the narc to gear em selves towards deeper deception and manipulation. The deception wiv in the deception 4 want of a better phrase. Nevertheless that won’t work wiv the mature heyoka, it may for a time wiv the immature heyoka but not 4 long if I may hasten to add. Subsequently the mirroring of the heyoka application is entirely different as I’ve laid out in other posts. Remember the heyoka constantly draws upon the supernatural or what Taoists calls Chi for their skills including mirroring. Of course their is a darkside to Chi to but that’s another subject. The empath and Co dependent channel their interlect through their emotions, thus they end up in trouble when the nark shark is on the hunt. They ain’t learned shield work, incidentally to strengthen my point the heyoka channels their emotions through their interlect. A small illustration of this is they step out of their emotion and into logic. That’s called shield work. In the secular world it would be considered controlling one’s emotional self. The Australian discipline the alexander technique from a certain point of view is similar to this. Saint Madness.

  3. Asp Emp says:

    Having a narcissist in your life is a merry-go-round, one that doesn’t always go in one direction – certainly if a narcissist is at the controls. They’ll even adjust the controls that allows the carousel to go a lightning speed in the hope you are flung off……

  4. lickemtomorrow says:

    Fell into the majority of these traps. Unintended indeed.

  5. Karen maher says:

    Yes no feelings no love

  6. December Infinity says:

    I went through most of these. It was exhausting plus it didn’t get me anywhere.

  7. Eternity says:

    They always twist things around no matter what. Especially saying that we are crazy when we are not. The crazy thing is we got involved with these people and now we are mentally ill. Nuts!

  8. Sherry Brown says:

    This is one of the enlightening articles. I need to keep this info in mind.

    1. Fiddleress says:

      I agree, Sherry Brown.

      The unintended consequence of number 7, about second-guessing, cuts close to the bone in my case: absolutely never lasts, and the cost is just too high.
      Second-guessing has/had become second nature to me, even when it is unnecessary, i.e. with non-narcissists. I trust that lowering my ET to the minimum level will help me get rid of this annoying tendency.

  9. Leela says:

    #3: That´s exactly what happened. That was before I knew what he is. He had ensnared two of us and I told the other friend to be careful. I already knew that narcy is manipulative and toxic just couldn´t point my finger on it. I thought I warn the other friend but I got told that I am the crazy one. I didn´t know WHAT hit me back then.

    #9: Almost exactly what happened. Yes, I made that stupid mistake but he didn´t lash out at me, he of course denied it and just manipulated even MUCH harder with MASSIVE gas lighting and even MUCH MORE love bombing like crazy!

    1. vandenboss says:

      Denying,manipulating,gas lighting and love bombing= lashing out,narc style.

      1. Leela says:

        Aw! I thought “lashing out” = fury, freaking out in anger, spitting vitriol.

        Then yes! He lashed out, narc style. Love bombed and gas lighted like there´s no tomorrow, yeah, he MASSIVELY intensified his manipulations. I remember just thinking: “Maniac!” 😀

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