Empath Detector
Understanding the relevant school and cadre of empath that you belong to is an integral part of arming yourself so that you effect a GOSO Campaign (Get Out, Stay Out) with the maximum effectiveness.
Recognising where you belong with regard to one of the four schools of empath and then the relevant cadre not only aids you in learning more about yourself and how your school and cadre attracts particular narcissists, it will weaponise you in your quest to GOSO and also assist you in evading narcissists in the future.
This consultation is conducted through the provision of a protocol which is straightforward and provides confidentiality between the parties. A questionnaire is provided which elicits a broad range of information about you and your behaviours to enable me to then analyse your responses and provide you with an accurate and easy to understand response through an audio sound file.
Ensuring you know what you are means you will avoid the mistakes that occur with self-analysis through lacking objectivity. It will ensure you do not embark on courses of action which are suited to different schools and it also enables you to plug the gaps in your own defences and achieve GOSO sooner and with less effort.
Process
- Please effect payment using the PayPal button below. Your financial details are not seen. The fee is just US $ 100.
- You will then be sent the Common Sense Protocol and the Empath Detector Questionnaire.
- You complete the Empath Questionnaire and e-mail this to narcissist1909@gmail.com . Please keep your response to 1200 words and under. If you need to exceed this you can obtain additional word bundles at US $ 40 per 500 words required to cover the additional reading and consideration time. Please advise if you require this in addition.
- I will analyse your information and then provide you with your school and cadre of empath with explanation within 96 hours of receipt of the questionnaire through a report identifying the relevant elements applicable to your school and cadre and determining your prevailing school and prevailing cadre, based on the answers and information that you have provided..
If you have any further questions about the consultation, do e-mail me at narcissist1909@gmail.com to learn more.
117 thoughts on “Empath Detector”
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I would like to consult on this but can’t afford right know so I’ll do it later. What concerns me is my own bevaviour after narcissistic discard. I believe I was discarded by a narcissist (intimate relationship). I went no contact as I have read a lot about it and knew from the beginning it’s the best way to heal. First few months I was totally depressed, crying all the time, struggling with my sense of self worth while he was dating new women, of course. But when I realized it doesn’t take me anywhere I started rebuilding myself. Instead of posting sad things on social media I started posting happy light content. I was pretending I was fine, it was not true but I started to feel better and better. I focused on doing new things and posting photos of new activities. It was making me happy and also I knew narcissist was cyber stalking me so the fact I was posting happy things gave me sattisfaction that he can’t see how he destroyed me. But on the other hand I think I became too consumed with my public image. Once I stole a landsacape vacation picture from my sibling and put it on my social media pretending I was on that trip. Noone knows about it but I feel ashamed I did it. I tell myself I didn’t want to steal anything, I didn’t want to hurt anybody, it is just a part of my recovery. But still I am embarrased, I know it was sick and I went too far.
From what I know this is something narcissist would do. So I would like to ask if I could be a narcissist because of that.
Dear Hellen,
Ummmmmmm, noooooo you’re definitely not a narc, please lay that to rest
I just wish I had thought of being so creative 🤣 absolutely fabulous
Narcs don’t feel guilt about anything, so you’re fine
You didn’t steal, you borrowed for recovery purposes, that’s an allowable justification 😂
Your sibling probably didn’t even miss it, stop overthinking it and have fun
What landscape was it Hellen ?
If it was Hawaii, bring on the chi chis 🍹
Whooo hooo
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Hi Helen
Look I have stooped way lower than putting up a fake pic .Actively putting up a fake profile to catch him on a cheating site , even though I was a mistress and going through with it .Now that’s low .I feel like Glenn Close in Fatal attraction.
You just want to piss him off , that’s normal .
You don’t sound a bit like a narc .
You just want to hide the hurt .Thats okay.
Hugs
Kiki
I am very interested in investing in this. But I have a question for you. There is no doubt you are an expert in psychopathy and narcissism… you live and breathe it. You also know your bredren like no one else. However, aside from interacting and studying empaths because of your great need for empathic fuel, can you truly say you know us? Do you truly understand the inner workings of a highly sensitive person? Our powers and our weaknesses? Yes, you can benefit off of our positive and negative traits. Yet our inner working is quite complex. Is this test to solely glean out which of our traits we can be aware of when interacting with a cluster B person? Or is this test a rich tapestry about the characteristics of an empathic person?
See the testimonials.
@ WhoCares,
I don’t mind you asking.
I did take the Empath Detector consult with HG.
After the results i did some serious thinking.
And before that i did some excesive reading on this blog.
And i read the book Chained.
This combined made me come to this conclusion.
I give you a few examples
I just read Red Flags, Black Flags, Sitting Target and Sex and the Narcissist.
My first thought about something i reconise in one of the books is:
You stupid cow! You should have know this of that, you are soooo dum, when wil you ever learn. Now i reconise this. And then stop blaming my self.
And i tell my self, how could i know, they are Narcissists.
Another example.
I found out my now ex boyfriend was cheating on me with man, and she males.
The first thought i had was, ooh dear, my fault, i cannot satisfy him enough, iam not a guy. I should have done this of that.
After reading Sex and the Narcissist i know now it is not even about sex with a Narcissist.
So it is a combination of HG his books/blog and my own recognition.
Thank-you autiempath for explaining how you made the connections. I can identify with the internalized self-blaming voice.
I am hard on myself because I don’t feel as though I was coerced into the choices that I made. I feel as though I made them freely. Initiating many of them; being the problem-solver that I am. The issue is that those choices were based on a falsified sense of urgency and importance. I really thought I was doing what I could to save my family.
I need to read Chained.
And I need to be kinder to myself.
I hope you are being kinder to yourself.
You are welcome WhoCares.
I know when reading your reply, excactly how it feels for you.
It realy is also some kind of creature we have to deal with, the internalized self-blaming voice.
You should read Chained when you have the change. Very helpful.
Thank you for your kind words about being kinder to yourself.
Yes we should!
For a Martyr that is a big challence.
For me reading here and the books and logic bulletins are keeping me sharp for now.
And i can be kinder for myself.
I hope you can do that to.
I realy now understand it is not our fault.
Understanding helps me to take away the self-blame.
I’m not co-depend. but love the reminder to read Chained. I will get to it!
autiempath,
“It realy is also some kind of creature we have to deal with, the internalized self-blaming voice.”
The internal voice definitely takes on a life of its own, if allowed.
And I agree, an empath with the Martyr cadre would have extra difficulty being kind to themself. HG really captured it in his words from The Doormat article:
“If they perceive that they are taking they feel alarm and distress. If they are neither giving or taking they feel restless and out of their comfort zone. The need to provide and to give allows them to fulfil their role and in turns embodies a sense of safety for them.”
This distress felt when “taking” is so insightful…this is why it is so difficult for me to accept or seek help – even when I need help – because it feels like “taking” to me.
It results in being taught to feel that taking care of myself is selfish or that allowing myself to feel joy or happiness is in fact indulgent.
I know that is a foreign concept to some. And my other traits allow me to overcome it but it takes effort.
Thanks for this discussion autiempath.
You are welcome WhoCares.
Hello HG Tudor, what about borderline people? Where are they on your empath/narc trait spectrum? Before I found your blog I was almost sure that I can be classified as BPD person. Every online survey results suggested that I could be diagnosed with BPD. Then after reading your work, using your terms I see myself as geyser empath. Yet, considering other sources of information, BPD is close to NPD, even one seems to be confused with the other. In my last relationship, with what I think is UMRN, I was in hyper Whiteknight DE mode. So I have my share of narc traits, which lines up with some of typical BPD characteristics.
It would be really helpful if you would write a piece about borderlines, where they are on the spectrum etc.
Are these borderline/narc relations different from your perspective, if so, in what way?
Is Empath Detector taking borderlines into consideration?
I do not regard BPD as something that merits a separate diagnosis, something which certain psychiatric associations have concurred with. There are certain individuals who are described as having BPD who are victims of narcissist who are exhibiting PTSD and their behaviour is affected by a reduction in their emotional empathy by this external agent. The balance are narcissists who operate with cognitive empathy but have no emotional empathy as a consequence of repeatedly engaging in abusive behaviour (thus demonstrating the absence of emotional empathy – not its reduction, its absence) and then blame shifting and deflecting by claiming their behaviour is not their fault but the fault of something else.
I want this really bad, to protect myself in the future now I’m out in the wild. Alas, I’m poor. Do you do tick HG? 😆
No, PV, I do not.
Meh
PV
Petition the AAF.
I am interested on how definitive Empath detector test is? Is it more of character or personality thing? Is this something that can change through life or not? Is it our experiences that Influence the school and/or cadre?
The core traits cannot change, yes they may adjust a few percentage points through changed circumstance but you are what you are and the test is designed to ascertain that.
You mean that if I took this test 15 years ago, results would be the same? I was completely different person then. We grow up, we change, we evolve, some questions I would definitely answer differently before.
Not at the core.
HG,
Would it be less likely that a Martyr Empath would find their way here to your site, given the level of self-blame in their dynamic?
Not necessarily, they would most likely have a harder time accepting it was not their fault.
Thank-you HG.
I recall in my situation engaging in much “How could I let this happen” thinking before I finally called it and had to grasp that I had done everything in my power to fix it.
His particular behaviours led me here but my desperate desire to understand how *my* role contributed to the dynamic kept me here…well, that and your excellent information, naturally.
Whocares—how did you find narcsite?
Lorelei – I was googling “persecution beliefs,” “paranoia” and “my spouse thinks I am sabotaging his life” — my search kept turning up hits on information about narcissism..but I couldn’t find a cohesive description that ‘resembled’ my narc. I did find Narcsite then but still wasn’t finding a match for all the behaviors. I ended up viewing a survivor’s video on YouTube, who referenced HG Tudor, and her description of her experiences with her familial narcs is what sent me straight back here.
I could tell she had read a lot of HG’s work and had consolidated it with her personal experience.
I still felt like I was searching around in the dark until I came back here and began reading in earnest.
Got it—makes sense. HG dislikes “covert narcissism” as a phrase but that started my search.
The Walking Dead and Southpark. There you go! Confession time.
Haha Lorelei! I was wondering if you were going to fess up when you were talking about watching Deliverance elsewhere.
I would have enjoyed watching The Walking Dead, when it was out, but I haven’t had cable since my university days.
I can understand why you would want to keep South Park a secret.
I didn’t even like the Walking Dead, but because I was it was a match.
Understood.
*Southpark
Southpark—“White people renovating houses..” A classic. And Randy Marsh is hilarious. It’s so dumb it’s awesome. The creators are comedic geniuses.
Lorelei,
I have never watched Southpark and will never, but I have what I call my favourite ‘stupid movies’ – so dumb that they are entertaining. Army of Darkness is one of them.
I’ll look that movie up! Funny how I had a grandiose intention to drink some grand amount of alcohol and two beers put me out like a tranquilizer!
That movie is really trash Lorelei, but it’s got some stupidly funny lines that stick with you. Pure junk food for the mind, but sometimes a good distraction from reality.
What’s wrong with South Park? It’s like Jonathan Swift: crude and brilliant.
You can make some pretty important points with ruthless humor.
Violetta,
I agree with you on the effectiveness of ruthless humour but I could just never get into South Park – not my cup of tea I guess.
Southpark is great. I have not watched in a long time. A mindless escape. Like a SNL skit.
In the beginning I had the same feeling after the Martyr result.
I agree with you that we develop ourselves in our lives.
I have made my life as independent and safe as possible and I now know my pitfalls and my empathy “sins”, so I work around it. apply logical thinking.
But I notice that just like with the lesser narcissist, I feel like I get a knee jerk reaction from being a martyr. is also in very small things with me. I now apply logical thinking.
Aunty Emp was Martyr your major cadre?
MommyPino, yes it is, 100% not very common iam afraid. Can i also ask yours?
My major cadre is Geyser but I have Carrier which is my second biggest cadre and small Saviour and Martyr. I asked HG if the Martyr cadre is a Codependent and he said no. Do you have other cadres in your mix aside from Martyr? I wasn’t sure if you meant 100% as Martyr is 100% of your cadre or that it is 100% uncommon. I think that it is probably very uncommon to have that as a major cadre but I am not sure.
MommyPino, i am a hybride of the schools of empath.
28% Contagion, 34% Standard, 28 % Co-Dependent and 10% Super.
And yes with 100 % Martyr cadre.
Excuse me for the misunderstanding
English is not my first language.
Thank you for sharing your results.
No worries Auti emp, it was probably me as English is also my second language. Thank you for explaining. My school is standard with 20% SE I think. I don’t have Contagion and Co-D.
Mommy Pino, thats great, to have 20% SE.
I am happy to have at least 10% SE.
I think thats the reason when i reach the point of enough is enough. I can switch off my Empath traits and leave.
Does thats also work the same way for you?
Or do you notice this with other things?
Auti emp it does happen to me too just like that. But it depends on the situations. It isn’t always like that and depending on the kind of relationship that I have as well. I was not able to switch off my empathy towards my mom but I was able to do that to my half sister who I have only met after I turned 26. Although my empathy came back when I found out that she had cancer and I offered to help her which she ignored. When the relationship has reached a point it is easier for me to disengage than to fake it. I don’t like playing games and I don’t have the desire to fake anything.
And yes HG stated that it is not very common to have a 100% cadre.
That’s really interesting. You’re actually the first commenter that I have seen who has only one cadre. Thank you for clarifying.
You are welcome.
Ik guess iam an exception with in a group of exceptional people.
Also iam autistic, maybe thats why…
That’s really interesting Auti emp. I wonder if that is a factor too. Did you have narcissist parents as well?
MommyPino, yes my diseased father was a narcissist.
Thank you for taking an interest in my story.
There was a lot of abuse when i was a child. Also incest.
My mother is also a empath, and so is my brother.
You would not believe the life i lived. Even last week. I found out the night before Valentine day. The irony!
That my boyfriend, who i was with for 3 years is a psychopath/sociopath. Not a narcissist i believe.
Maybe i gonna consult HG about him.
I know now that i only atract psycho”s
So iam out!
like HG said: We are being conned!
I’m so sorry Auti emp. It sounds like you went through a very hard life even from childhood. The reason I asked is because the Doormat article said that Doormats grew up in a very hostile environment. I also grew up in a very hostile environment but no incest or sexual abuse. Although I have been exposed to sexually explicit media at a very early age because of a parent’s carelessness and not realizing that I would notice those things, I don’t remember being completely innocent about things like that but I was never sexually inappropriately touched or anything. I hope that I’m not too insensitive but I wonder if the challenges that you have with autism exacerbated the hostility of your experiences from your narcissist father in your childhood which is why you are 100% Martyr. It’s just my thought which could be totally misguided.
I’m very happy to read that you have found ways to manage your tendencies to be a Martyr so that you can empower yourself. I believe that everyone in this world has unique challenges that we have to conquer in order to not let those things limit us. Just like how an introvert CEO has to manage and control his discomfort in public speaking in order to do his job and speak to the Board of Directors or potential investors. I admire your positive outlook on this which I know is also something that you had to develop for yourself.
I’m sorry about your discovery regarding your boyfriend. But I think that it’s good that you found out sooner than later. It sounds like he could be dangerous. I’m glad that you will consult with HG and that HG is always there for us to have consultations in terms of situations like that. I am honestly not very surprised that you ended up in a relationship with a guy like that since we tend to attract those types of people because of our history with our family.
Thank you for your kind words.
It makes me feel that iam not alone in this.
Iam also sorry for you. The way you grew up.
And yes becouse of my autism i also had, like narcissist, no sense of self.
So i believed what everybody said to me, about me. And how i am supose to act.
I felt strange in the world, like an alien, trying to fit in.
like a circus girl without a safety net.
And then also becouse of the sexuall abuse/incest.
My father thought me to be a whore.
Only if i please people, i matter to them.
So yes, 100% Martyr, i tic al the boxes from the article the doormat.
Thank you, and yes i have a postive outlook.
Now even more of what i learn here.
It is not my fault, and iam not the only one.
We cannot change ourselves at the core.
But i can change with who iam interfering with from now on.
Yes its a good thing i found out about my now ex boyfriend.
He maybe is dangerous yes.
Iam lucky that we don’t live together.
That lesson i had already learned. Not to give up my independence.
And he lives an hour away.
I am in no contact right now.
And i arange a intermediary to hand him his stuff what he left at my house.
And now afterwards iam not suprised eighter.
The red flags are waving in my face now.
This is only a different kind of creature, so at least my choices have developed. Haha.
Still so much to learn and so much to do.
Now i think its a waste of my time and money and HG his time, to do a Narc detector on him.
I rather spend my money on other books an logic bulletins from HG.
Thank you Auti emp. I also grew up in a very hostile environment. The narcissist was my mother and she was the only parent who raised me. My father was the Empath but he was an American and since I was illegitimate he didn’t really have custodial rights over me so all that he could do was send money to support us and write letters. But I got reunited with him almost a year before he died when I was 26. My mom was a Middle Lesser so she was very explosive and she can verbally lash anyone like no one else can. The way she combined her words and the harshness of her voice and expressions can make really intelligent and kind people act crazy. My husband was in the taxi one time with us and he saw my mo lash out at the taxi driver and even though he couldn’t understand what my mom was saying because it wasn’t English my husband told my mom to get out of the taxi and just get a bus because he couldn’t stand watching her lash out at the driver and me getting mad at her for abusing the driver and the driver just quietly and meekly taking all of the abusive words directed at him. She was overprotective of me as a child and believed that if given an opportunity, anyone would sexually molest me, even my favorite uncle who was actually an empath and even my male cousins. She never wanted me to trust anyone and it frustrated her when she could tell that I trust someone aside from her. She called me a whore whenever I asked to buy a trendy clothing or ask if I could go to school without tying my hair in a pony tail or if a young guy tried to visit me at our house because he had a crush on me. But at the same time she took me with her to watch R rated movies because no one would watch me for her. They let her take me inside the theater when she promised them that she would cover my eyes. Sexually explicit comic books were also everywhere at our place. She even took me with her to a hotel room with her foreigner boyfriend and had me sleep at the floor at the foot of the bed and told me to focus on the TV and never look at the bed behind me. I remember the show was McGiver. I remember for some reason I knew what they were doing behind me although I didn’t really know exactly the mechanics of it. I have two kids now and my oldest is already older than I was when I already knew about sex and was being called a whore by my mom and I’m just so happy that my kids are so normal and innocent and happy like how all children are supposed to be.
When I read the Doormat article, I can see myself in a lot of those descriptions but I noticed that I only see myself in them when I was interacting with the narcissists in my life. HG has said that boundaries mean nothing to narcissists and I feel that my Doormat traits become more apparent whenever a narcissist pushes against my boundaries. Normal people in my life are not aware that I have Doormat traits. I also have high self esteem but I will admit that it became shaky whenever a narcissist that I was entangled with did several covert manipulations or toxic behaviors to downplay the things that I believe are good about me. And I totally agree with you that the key is choosing the people that we interact with. My husband is a Normal and covert manipulations do not shake his self esteem at all, he just avoids the person and he doesn’t even question himself if he was right or wrong or whatever like empaths tend to question themselves sometimes.
I am glad that you protected your independence before you got to know him and it is easier for you to disengage. I agree that if you already know that what he did was a total violation of your boundaries then you have every good reason to disengage from him and a formal narcissist label is not necessary anymore since you have already decided to permanently GOSO. I agree that the logic bulletins and books are a much better use for your money.
MommyPino, your story as a child with your N.mum sounds for me like a form of sexuall abuse to. Exposing to sex movie and in the room when they having sex. Disgusting.
Good that the doormat discriptions for you only
happens with narcissists and that your huisband is a normal.
Iam happy for you and your children.
Thank you Auti emp. I’m so thankful too.
I agree that it seemed like a form of sexual abuse but she didn’t do it on purpose. She was just so amazingly lazy and she didn’t think that I would notice or pay attention or absorb any of those things because to her I was just a stupid child. She did cover my eyes in the movies but sometimes her hands were too late and also it made me conscious that those things were forbidden and so my curiosity even got stronger. It’s just really terrible parenting and a lot of ignorance.
I think I may have not worded what I said correctly and it may have changed the meaning. I was trying to say that maybe your challenges from autism have exacerbated the effect of your environment’s hostility or hardships. Because your father’s abuse made it even harder for you on top of the challenges that you are already facing. Anyway, I’m glad that you have survived all of that and have found ways to not let those traumas limit you. I wish you to continue to be empowered and I’m glad that you have found your way to this site.
Auti emp, I apologize for another clarification as I feel that I am not making any sense right now lol. I can’t remember what exactly I wrote but I just want to clarify that I was referring to how that hostile environment and added challenges shaped you into becoming a 100% Martyr.
MommyPino, no problem, you asked if i had narcissist parents as well. And yes i had. And yes yes that hostile environment shaped me.
Auti emp,
“I feel like I get a knee jerk reaction from being a martyr. is also in very small things with me. I now apply logical thinking”
If you don’t mind my asking, did you come to the determination above on your own or with help from consulting with HG?
Thanks!
Lucia,
I was completely amazed at how accurate HG’s assessment of me was and it answeered so many questions that I had about myself for many years. It is a gift you give yourself because if you understand who you are, you will be much better equipped to deal with the narc and eventually escape.
Does anyone know where can I find more info on Martyr Cadre of Empath? I just don’ t see myself as one, but it showed up strong in my ED.
Lucia, you can read “The doormat” here on Narcsite. I also have the Martyr cadre. And at first i also did not see myself as a Martyr. But when i did some thinking i reconise it in me.
Thanks a lot! I’ll definitely read it.
Lucia,
The Martyr cadre is addressed in the book Chained. I have not read it but HG has said so.
Yes i read it. First i thought it was only about the co-depedent. But i now understand it is simular with the Martyr cadre? Am I correct HG?
Yes.
I have the book, just haven’t had time to read it yet. I hate how confusing all of this is. It’s too much information for me to process. In the last 10 days I found out my husband is a narcissist and I am basically a doormat. I came here to confirm the exact opposite. That we both are somewhere along the middle, where “normal”people are. That’s denial for you. I am in agony over all of it, cant bring myself to read the book now.
Lucia,
It is a lot of information to process – especially if you are still in close proximity to the narcissist.
Don’t let it overwhelm you.
I would read the short articles that help you protect yourself, do a Narc Detector on your husband and likely consider GOSO.
When I was still in relationship with the narcissist I could barely read a full paragraph of anything and actually absorb it.
You could also access the YouTube videos and just listen to HG if you feel overwhelmed by the reading.
Bare minimum: just keep reading and posting here.
If you have questions, ask – there are many helpful people here who can identify with what you are going through.
Lucia, i know. It is very confusing at first.
Take your time to absorb it al.
But keep reading as much as you can handle. With knowledge comes power.
I wish you strength in this confusing time.
Whocares—interesting that you mention to Lucia that you had difficulty comprehending the material when still with your ex. I was also depleted. There was little left. I wonder how often HG sees what he can identify as time passes, as a substantial decline (having occurred) due to an obvious rebound. So, for instance—a new person on the blog demonstrating a significant departure from their arrival status as time progresses. Not just the grasp on material alone, but where actual gains in capacity are evident.
Lorelei,
I was reading paranormal romance on my phone at the end of my entanglement. Not disparaging it but that was the deepest reading I could handle. It was a good distraction at night when I couldn’t sleep and his back was turned to me. Sometimes he would try to see what I was reading but he never managed to.
I never found HG’s material until several months after I ended it and part way into the court process. But I still had trouble reading it – at first.
The cognitive impairment and lack of focus is real as a result of narcissistic abuse. There are studies on it.
I can definitely see the difference in myself from pre-entanglement, just before the end of the formal relationship and now. People have noticed a difference in my functioning.
I am sure HG witnesses a huge difference in long term clients and readers of his.
Paranormal romance! That sums it up.
Hahaha.
Yeah. Pretty much.
Oh—I can’t even say what series I was watching on Netflix. Embarrassing!
I hear you love The Ranch
No—I’ll never confess. I’m skiing on Sunday. You think I was doing anything remotely acquainted to outdoor fun two years ago? HG—on Facebook a bit ago I saw my friend post roses. I texted her and she got them from her ex. She’s a nice person. He’s a narcissist of course based on my observations which are definitive I believe in this case. She has no idea. None. I feel very fortunate. It’s a little uncomfortable for me to not be overly exuberant.
I’m so happy over getting buttercream paisley curtains delivered to iron I could scream! Like perfect!!
Thanks for the laugh Lorelei!
Enjoy going skiing…and ironing your buttercream paisley curtains..?
Apparently it’s going to be slushy Sunday. I got my days mixed up on the weather.. What can we do Sunday? What in this world is out there?
Haha, HG – I had to look that up. Why is Sam Eliott in everything?
Aw c’mon…I admitted to the paranormal romance…hmmm, let’s see…I binge watched Hemlock Grove on Netflix, at night, when I was on maternity leave and nursing.
It was my salvation.
Omg Whocares. It’s like as bad as saying I’m into weird porn!
Lorelei – I am going to be honest… I think being exuberant about ironing buttercream curtains is weird.
It’s better than watching something as ridiculous as weird porn.
That’s not ridiculous
Then again, I don’t personally own an iron.
I guess your name is even more apt, WC?!
Pahaha – that really made me laugh HG.
I just thought I was in the ‘hang it to dry or take it to the dry cleaners’ camp.
I iron with the rigour of my ancestors.
I rigorously iron over my ancestors
See, it is the ‘rigour’ & ‘exhuberant’ parts that are weird.
A little bit weird—now I must go endeavor away from domestic bliss and toil into the night with a lantern.
Have a good night Lorelei.
Will try!
Hi Lucia,
I’m sorry about your recent discovery. I can only imagine how difficult it is. I hope for the best for you and you can always come here for support or advice whenever you want.
Thank you guys, it’s comforting to know I’m not the only one in this situation, I feel like a complete idiot. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I’ve lived with this person for 10 years ( still do), have children with him….. What have I done to my life, to my children’s lives, how could have I been so blind? I’m waiting for someone to tell me it’s all big fat lie, or a mistake, or just a dream. To think that I considered myself pretty intelligent …… what a joke, it’s funny actually.
Lucia, you are most welcome. We have all been there and some of us are still navigating themselves out of really difficult entanglements as well. This is the place where you will find people who will understand. Your entanglement doesn’t take away the fact that you are indeed pretty intelligent. A lot of victims are intelligent, beautiful, confident and happy which is why they were targeted. A lot of us have issues within ourselves where the narcissist was able to latch on. I was raised by a very punitive narcissist and that is why I have the Doormat or Martyr in myself as well. I haven’t read that article for a long time but I can remember that Doormats have a lot of guilt. That is one thing that I need to work on myself. At least now we are aware of the things that we have to manage or control in ourselves. Most people have issues within themselves that developed from childhood but it doesn’t change the other positive aspects in us. We know that this is such a difficult time for you but just know that you can always come here and talk about anything. And take your time and be kind to yourself. Please don’t blame yourself. 💕
Lucia,
“What have I done to my life, to my children’s lives, how could have I been so blind?”
You have done nothing wrong Lucia. You simply got involved with someone who has used your best traits against you. Someone who is really adept at hiding who they truly are.
I remember the full horror moments and also wishing it was all a dream gone wrong – really wrong – and that I could wake up from.
It is a really positive thing that you found your way here; it is the best place for someone in your situation to be.
Lucia:
I was working on my Master’s when I was ensnared by a guy who couldn’t even finish college. Every time I saw him do something suspicious–the constant boasting, the contradicting himself within seconds of his previous statement, the admission that he liked girls who pulled that “poah little me, mah lil old haid would jis BUST if Ah tried to.do that” crap–I accused myself of being intolerant or elitist.
I hurt for years. Then, I kicked myself for wasting any time or emotion on him at all.
Now I don’t do either. Once I found Narcsite, I realized there was no WAY I could have known what I was dealing with. The simple word “Narcissist” doesn’t begin to convey what they do, and the variety of ways in which they do it.
Lucia,
What ever you do, don’t go telling your narcissist he’s a narcissist. Either nothing or nothing good will come of it.
If you decide you need to get out, or if you decide you really need to talk to SOMEBODY, do a consult with HG. And if you don’t think you can afford it, there is always Angel Assistance.
Lucia—I am so very sorry. Hugs to you—just stick around and what is supposed to fall into place will gradually do so. You absorb as things resonate and the material
can be incremental.
I so much appreciate all of your kind and reassuring comments. I plan on consulting HG when I’m ready. For know I just need to try and understand the implications of what I’ve learned so far, what are my options now that I know what I know. I hate that I’ve stooped so low, never saw myself as co-dependent martyr type.
Lucia,
I know you really don’t need more added to your reading list but it pains me to see the self-blame you’re engaging in – so I am just going to suggest (for future reference): Sitting Target.
For me, this particular book of HG’s really put into perspective just how much of an actual active role I had in being a “victim.”
We were set up. From the very beginning. It doesn’t make the situation better but it does make *sense* of it. Because you can spin a lot of emotional wheels just beating yourself up over it – but that will only keep you stuck.
I now realize that telling a Martyr cadre empath not to self-blame, is akin to telling them not to breathe because it comes so naturally to them. And I only have a little bit of Martyr in my make up.
Take good care Lucia; it will all start to make sense to you.
Lucia,
I was where you are now less than four months ago. I am so sorry for your pain, but you are most definitely in the right place. It is totally overwhelming to discover you are entangled with a narc. I suspect you have been in a fog for a while and then trying to process all of the new information can be completely overwhelming. We have a need to learn as much as possible but our minds can only absorb so much due to many years of narc abuse. I have come so far in these past months but truthfully, it is a painful process. I struggle each day and sometimes just have to take it one hour at a time as I still live with the narc. The fact that everyone here can relate in one way or another has been my saving grace as well as HG’s abundant knowledge. Take it one step at a time and if you can eventually consult with HG it is well worth it. Give yourself a break if it gets to be too much.
Thanks Kristin, it’s not been easy this last few weeks. Sometimes I cant even bear to be in the same room with my narc husband knowing what I now know. And he’s been on his good behavior lately. Still weighing in all my options. Doesn’t seem my living situation will change anytime soon, so I’ll just have to find a way to adapt and live with it for the time being. At the moment I’m more concerned with my own codependent behavior and martyr personality traits, I have to seriously work on those.
Lucia,
You know yourself best and are right in focusing on you. Living with a narc means you are constantly faced with the abuse and when they are on their “good behavior” it can be quite confusing, it is for me anyway. You will find people dealing with various stages of healing on this site and they will be able to help you cope until you can leave.
When I discovered what my husband was but before I found HG, I made the fatal mistake of confronting him on his hypocrisy, abuse and projection. He could tell something had changed in me and it came back tenfold because I was threatening his sense of control and stopped providing fuel. You have your priorities straight and are moving forward. Hang in there and continue to take care of you as best you can.
This detector is a must have in the war against narcissists. This is what helped me understand me so that I could understand why I was always targeted. The empath detector is what helped HG and myself understand what I was doing or not doing, so that he could develop a plan of action for me to use against not only the narcissist, but myself as well. This is when the light at the end of that tunnel began to get a little brighter. Thank you HG! 💞
You are welcome.
FM1T,
You are definitely selling me on this!
List,
Honestly you will not be sorry! Finding out my school and cadres was the best thing I could have done!
Agreed. In fact, the Empath Detector was the first thing I tried when I came here and has proven incredibly useful in better understanding my strengths and weaknesses. I recommend people take the test as soon as possible in their journey to understanding narcissism. I had not read any of the articles about empaths yet, so the questions in the test where the first time I reflected on it, hence I know I gave the most honest and unobstructed answers. The results allowed me to reflect on what I then learned about narcissits and contextualize how “my kind of empath” has reacted in certain situations.
Desiree—May I ask what you viewed as an asset vs. a liability?
I couldn’t agree more Lisk. Go for it! It really helps to understand yourself and pause for thought when the ET attempts to hijack you. Much easier to use LT when you understand who you are and therefore what triggers it. I only wish I’d have done it sooner.
HG,
I wasn’t sure that it was even relevant to do an empath detector on myself(not even sure that I am an empath anyway, I have a lot of narcissistic traits….but you say an empath can have considerable narcissistic traits that come to the foreground). I had just planned on doing the narc detectors at some point in the future.
But now….it seems that maybe understanding what I am will be relevant in understanding the dynamics of the narcissistic relationships I’ve been in. Then I could add the relevant narc detector for a more complete understanding. This would be helpful with the ex that I am co-parenting with.
HG, do you recommend finding out if I am an empath first….then doing the narc detectors? What if I am not even an empath?
I recommend you undertake the Empath Detector, it is very useful to understand yourself.