I Spy A Private Eye



I have often mentioned the empath’s need to know. Initially this is borne out of your desire to know and to understand for the purpose of enabling you to discharge your caring and nurturing abilities. Only by understanding and knowing what is wrong, what is going through someone’s mind or understanding their situation are you able to assist and help. Some people like to know because they are inquisitive. Some people like to know because they are downright nosey. We like to know so we can use it against you or to further our own schemes. You like to know so you can help. This is a core trait of the empathic individual and it is not something that you are ever able to let go.  Even when we are subjecting you to the devaluation you are unable to accept that it is happening without being able to understand why. You need to know. We know you need to know and we exploit this. This is why we engage in denial, deflection and circular arguments because we are entirely aware this inability to allow you to know and to understand draws fuel from you but also keeps you doing this. Even when we discard you, you still want to make sense of what has happened. You need and want to know why did we treat in the way we did, why did we do all those awful things to you and why were you not enough? By tapping into this trait of yours we also ensure that you have to know what we are doing once we have flung you to one side.

You will ask our friends what we are doing and pose similar questions to our family in a bid to ascertain what we are now doing without you. You ask your friends to spy on your behalf, gathering information about the places that we have been to and the people we have fraternised with. You see, if you try to escape from us then you cannot get rid of us as we appear with Hoover in hand ready to suck you back. However, if we have decided that we have extracted as much fuel as we possibly can from you (at least for now) we will do our utmost to remain invisible and keep you guessing. We want you wondering what we are doing? We want you to be sat contemplating where we are and who we are with? Are we happy? Are we thinking of you?

This need to know becomes overwhelming and you then embark on your role as private eye. You will stalk our Facebook page in order to gather information. We will block you in order to increase the work for you but you will use a friend’s profile to look or create a false one. You will drive past the places you know we might be, home, work and recreational and social places hoping to catch a glimpse of what we are doing so you can satiate that need to know. You will create a new profile and follow us on Twitter, checking each day to see what we have written. Is there a new girlfriend? What is she like? Are we taking her to the places we took you? Who are these people in the photographs and where are they taken? We know you will be spying and the more you try and learn the more questions will arise. We use obsessing as a method of manipulation and this continues in this mould.

Our everpresence will keep reminding you and you do not help yourself as you repeatedly reinforce our presence in your mind by searching, checking and spying. You will search our name on Google, examine our work website for any changes, check on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and LinkedIn. Like a detective hunting for clues you will keep at it each day. You create a habit in order to feed the addiction which is the need to know. We know you will do this, we engineer and we encourage this behaviour in you. The knowledge that you are engaged in these practices gives us fuel. We cannot see you or hear you yet we know you are spying on us. We know what you are like and we can picture you earnestly hunched over your keyboard as you stare at your monitor. Don’t deny it because when we do Hoover you it is one of the first things we tease from you. How many times a day did you check our Facebook profile? You will admit you did it at least three times a day and tell us how much you missed us. You will ask about the new person we were with and who you saw posts referring to and all the photographs that we displayed. Did we miss you too? You always ask this as well. Why? Because you always need to know.

26 thoughts on “I Spy A Private Eye

  1. Eternity says:

    HG, thank you regarding the divorce advice .he says he wants to stay friends afterwards . He even wants to find the lawyer. All for control ! I just want him to sign the papers and then be done with it .

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I recommend you consult with me.

      1. Eternity says:

        HG, I may have to do that.

  2. December Infinity says:

    I can say that once I ended it, I had no desire to do a google search or check on social media. I don’t care what the narc is up to or who he is with. Blech.

  3. alexine99 says:

    This may sound odd (and be somewhat off topic) but I really don’t want to know what my ex narc is doing. I don’t need to see it. Without intending to sound ‘holier than thou’ I don’t look either.
    I’m very green and I know I’ve much to learn, but this stage of my escape/exit so far isn’t part of my story. I’m curious as to know why.
    He most definitely caused me suffering and depleted me of energy…and money. The only thing that comes to mind as a possible subconscious boundary… is my child. He started directing his manipulations towards her, and she frustrated the hell out of him. He became mean and would regress into this overgrown nasty child one might encounter on a playground. I was furious. At the same time, it was pathetic and repulsive for me to witness.
    I find myself to be not interested or curious about him.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Good. Keep it that way.

      1. alexine99 says:

        I know if I hadn’t come across your work just at the right time my current situation would be very different. It’s like a switch has flipped in my brain….my sense of freedom is returning.
        I’m grateful for this…it’s a huge weight lifted.
        Thank you.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Good to read, you are in the only place which will ensure you will succeed.

  4. Lady Forestia☘🌈🍄 says:

    Very accurate article, and a mistake many empaths do. Knowledge is a must in order to break free from the addiction the narcissist create throughout all 3 stages of the abuse. The narc is the spider; the web of lies served to ensnare the target; the target’s desire to know and understand is the paralyzing venom, and the darkness all around caused by the smear campaign makes it even more difficult for the target to seek help. That is why unless the target gain knowledge; she or he is likely to remain in the spider nest until the spider comes and finish off his/her snack. Thank you for the article HG Tudor👍

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  5. WokeAF says:

    The narc is doing exactly what he did when he was with you except with someone else. If they haven’t embedded a new replacement, they will be doing exactly what they did with you except with hoovering you constantly and also trying to promote the IPSS to IPPS.
    If you’re NC and they don’t have a replacement IPPS, they’re doing exactly what they did before , except falling apart rapidly in chaos mode as they scramble to embed a new replacement or promote the IPSS.

    I’m not just repeating what I’ve learned here. Ive witnessed it.

    But I wouldnt have been able to identify what I was seeing if not for HG.

    And of course if I’m missing something pls correct me HG so I have it right.

  6. blackcoffee30 says:

    If you simply hire a private eye, it’s faster and less stressful, and you can put the dossier away until needed.

    10/10 recommend.

  7. duchessbea says:

    HG your knowledge is vast, insightful and frightening (in a good way). Hmm. You would make an excellent James Bond. Smooth, sophisticated and cool. Stirred and never shaken. Shame you are your kind, if you were my kind, I’d be all over you in a very classy and elegant manner of course. Tending to your every whim and want.

  8. Asp Emp says:

    Yes, we may need to ‘know’ if we do not understand what has happened during the “relationship”. If we do not understand or are aware of narcissism.

    But. The narcissist is doing all the “research” on us in the first place – most often (from the sound of it), without our knowledge.

    So, firstly, the narcissist has an innate need (natural to the narcissist but not ‘natural’ to the empaths or normals), to know everything about their object of interest. Thus it becomes almost an ‘obsession’ to the narcissist. Until (IF they succeed), they have consumed and sucked the object almost dry (unless it’s total and utter disposal, it will be totally dry).

    Then after the disposal / flung to one side – the empath / normal is seeking answers. For those who are not aware of narcissism, it can end up being a never-ending road of mental & emotional trauma.

    Please note: I didn’t use the word ‘appliance’ because no-one is really talking fridges here.

    1. lickemtomorrow says:

      It’s torture either way, aware of narcissism or not. But I think you’ve nailed it Asp Emp with the idea that the stalking of the narcissist in the beginning becomes the stalking of the empath at the end. What a great insight. It’s like a total transference of the narcissist’s need on to the empath. They need to know before they ensnare us and we need to know once they have disengaged.

      It’s hard to combat that desire, but brushing the dust off our sandals is the best thing we can do.

      1. Asp Emp says:

        Correct. Sometimes the empath becomes the narcissist’s narcissist. I know what I’d with my sandals 😉 (oh, HG will mention something about that being an ET response).

        1. lickemtomorrow says:

          I only dusted off my sandals after I slapped him around the head with them a few times 😛

          1. Asp Emp says:

            HAHAHAHAHA. That’s a good one – really made me laugh 🙂

          2. lickemtomorrow says:


            The best medicine.

    2. Empath007 says:

      So true. I only started “spying” AFTER we broke up… I actually didn’t pay attention to his social media at all while dating and didn’t pick up on the girls he was with etc.

      Now I still spy 😂 guilty as charged but I don’t care…. he waited two years to “approach” me
      While gathering Information. And now I’ve spent the next two years peicing it all together.

      It won’t last forever. It’ll bore me eventually

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Stop the spying, you are breaching no contact by entering the third arena. You know what he is, you do not need to know what he is doing now.

        1. Eternity says:

          HG, have you ever had a scenario that both parties agree to divorce without a hassle?

          1. HG Tudor says:

            I know of them, but they do not involve narcissists. See Why is Divorce So Hard.

          2. Eternity says:

            HG, what if one is a Narcissist then and agrees to divorce, there must be a catch somewhere e.g. a form of manipulation . That’s what I am going through right now .

          3. HG Tudor says:

            Yes it is a form of manipulation (see Is It a Manipulation? in the Knowledge Vault). The agreement is only because the narcissist wants it (for reasons of the Prime Aims) not because you have forced, persuaded, cajoled the narcissist into that position.

      2. Asp Emp says:

        It him him 2 years?! Why are you still doing this to yourself? Purge him. How long have you been ‘involved’ with KTN? I do understand how you’re feeling but get him out of your mind first then you can rid of him out of your heart – it’s not easy but it can be done x

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