You Cannot Control That Which Must Not Be Controlled

You feel like you are trying to deal with an opponent that always seems to be one step ahead. It is like trying to tie down a vapour or stop the tide from advancing and engulfing your sand castle or catching an elusive will ‘o the wisp. No matter what you do, we always seem to have a way of squirming free, walking away and carrying on as normal. It is like trying to fight a battle with a rusty and nicked sword and one hand tied behind your back. It is akin to those dreams where you try to run but find you cannot move. You try to scream but no sound come from your throat. Every move you make appears to have been anticipated. You play a full house in poker and I produce a royal flush but where did that extra king appear from? I always have something up my sleeve. You are chasing the end of the rainbow but it always keeps shifting, just a little bit further away. You are getting nearer, closing on your goal and then it moves again. You think you have mastered the rules and then we introduce a new one which suits our purposes. Last week we complimented the steak pie that you made. Our praise was effusive and it was a delightful hiatus in the otherwise unpleasant treatment you had been receiving. You decide to play this winning hand again and proudly place it in the centre of the table only to be met with a sigh and a roll of the eyes. “What’s the matter? You loved the steak pie I made last week.” “I don’t want to eat steak pie.” “Why what’s wrong?” “Why must there always be something wrong. I do not want steak pie.” “But you did last week?” “That was then and this is now.” Cue scathing put downs and storming from the table leaving you bewildered and upset. You don’t make steak pie again only to be scolded the following week. “What’s happened to the steak pie? Why have you stopped making it when you know that it is my favourite?” You dress up to the nines and you are called slutty. You dress down and you are upbraided for not putting the effort in. You try to cuddle us in the night and an elbow is jabbed into your chest because you are making us too hot. Two hours later we wake you up and ask you why you stopped hugging us. We tell you that we will be in by seven and then appear at nine. You are forbidden from questioning us about this. You are not entitled to do so. We do as we please. You buy an expensive gift for our birthday and you are told that it is not as good as last year. The following year you really push the boat out to be told you have spent too much and we just wanted something simple. You re-decorate and select a rich chocolate brown. We declare it to be the wrong shade and point to a colour that looks no different. We will not let the matter rest until you have changed it. Once applied it appears the same. We declare we want to go out for dinner and you get ready only for us to decide we would rather stay in and watch sport. Whatever you do it is always wrong, never correct, not good enough and an erroneous choice. No matter how many times you ask what we want, you still make the wrong choice. You suggest that we do it ourselves and you are accused of not caring. You confirm you will deal with it and you are a control freak who will not allow us to breathe on our own. Whatever you decide to do or say we will find a way of twisting it around so it suits us. Our logic seems entirely warped to you but to us it makes perfect sense because the only logic we adhere is that which means whatever we say is right, even when we show rank hypocrisy or we contradict ourselves. We can reason away every contradiction you point out to us and if you somehow back us into a corner then we will just accuse you of badgering us, change the subject or walk away. In our minds we win every single time. We cast you aside telling you that you have let yourself go and we cannot be with you. You see us the next week and we are with someone less attractive than you, carrying more weight and who holds down a job less prestigious that yours. You cannot comprehend why we let you go and chose her instead, especially after what we said. You stare open-mouthed and scratch your head. To us we win again because we have acquired someone new whose fuel is better than anything you have ever provided and in addition we have got to you, so you pour out the negative fuel. If we had suddenly appeared with a supermodel instead you might talk a small degree of comfort in thinking that you could not compete with this person but do not let that think you have secured some kind of small victory. In our minds this just reaffirms that we were right to leave you and trade up. You catch us in bed with someone else. It is not our fault. If you loved us properly we would not have to stray. You show us complete love and devotion and nobody could ever accuse you of selling us short in the bedroom. We accuse you of having too high a sex drive because you must be getting it elsewhere. If you apply reason and logic, especially towards one of our lesser brethren, then they will ignore the force of your words and instead accuse you of trying to belittle and bamboozle them with long words plucked from the dictionary and why do you always have to patronise them with such words and sentences. Whatever you choose, whatever you decide, whatever you do it will always be wrong and whatever we do will always be right. Accuse us as much as you like for being twisted, illogical and difficult and we will be in your face pointing out how you always have to try and get one over us. Black becomes white and then becomes yellow. Nothing makes sense with us but that is because it makes complete sense to us. Our approach is to gather fuel and that means we can and must do so through any means even if that does not stack up when looked at from your point of view. This warped and stretched approach allows us to achieve our aims, we confuse and bewilder you, we upset and anger you, we control you and each and every time we know that we have succeeded. Like the most deluded Minister of Propaganda we claim to have defeated you even as your tanks roll past us in the background. We see only what we want to see and we are impervious to all of your reason. We will never accept what you tell us because that does not accord with what we set out to achieve and what we must achieve. Of course this will not stop you trying. You try to defeat us as we replace your arrows with celery sticks and your sword with a stale baguette. We never fight fair. Your frustration, annoyance and inability to comprehend why we do this is what keeps you bound to us and allows us to keep on doing what we must keep on doing. Exerting control and extracting fuel. You cannot control the uncontrollable. Until you understand this and apply this understanding, you will forever be run ragged and misled by your emotional thinking posing as logic, but it is flawed logic. We are designed to reject control. You try (unwittingly) to control us. Therein lies the problem. Stop trying to control us because you will never succeed. Do not accept what I tell you time and time again? Go ahead, build that tower, build it high with the stones that adhere to your beliefs and principles, from stone that is beautifully cut and polished, that anybody would admire and cherish, but let us see how you build that tower with the sands beneath it which constantly shift and alter. Watch that supposed no contact regime come crashing down because it is built on a terrible foundation. To understand about what you can control and what you cannot to assist your no contact regime, utilise this Logic Bulletin Who Can You Control To Beat The Narcissist? To understand how the narcissist must control you utilise The 3 Assertions of Control

31 thoughts on “You Cannot Control That Which Must Not Be Controlled

  1. righteousbruin9 says:

    Simply put, a narcissist was introduced to me, by a person who thought I might bring her to heel. What a barrel of laughs that turned out to be. She did get in her licks and got me fired from my last full-time job-long story, but- I am still here and she is off trying to dominate someone else. Sometimes, it’s best to cast the narcissist aside, whilst letting her/him think they are casting YOU aside.

  2. Eternity says:

    HG, if the opposite sex tells you that you are a very magnetic person does that mean there is a possibility that the person is a Narcissist?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is a possibility. Do understand that solitary actions and comments are indicators and are not determinative.

      1. Eternity says:

        Very true HG. Perhaps it was just a compliment. I may need to do a Empath Detector to find out if I am indeed a Magnetic Empath.
        Thank you !

  3. Asp Emp says:

    I love the pic.

    We, empaths can love someone unconditionally. A narcissist may “promise” it. Until the next time they find another one to replace. Around a year ago, I didn’t think or feel I could ‘love’ again. Right now, I still don’t yet know. I’m capable. But has there been too much pain?

    1. Truthseeker6157 says:


      I think it takes far longer to get over a relationship with a narcissist. Their behaviour is so contrary to what we have experienced before and we fight so much harder to understand and to fix. Our Emotional Thinking is kept so high for so long that we get used to that feeling. I think this in itself is something we actually miss. We equate it almost with a high, a feeling that we won’t get with anyone else and one that surely can’t be replicated by ‘a normal.’

      I’ve considered the fact that when we say, “My ET is high today.” That might not always be quite right. If we are in No Contact and haven’t tripped over another narc then our ET isn’t actually high, it’s falling. What we are feeling is the craving for the perceived high of the ET not the ET itself. The craving increases and the thoughts about the narc increase in line with it as we seek to feed the addiction. This is when we feel that we won’t ever feel the same way about anyone else again, that our capacity to love has been diminished by the hurt. That’s not true. Our capacity to love is ours, the narcissist can exploit it but he can’t remove it.

      I try to not worry about the future too much as far as finding someone else is concerned. For me, if I move to soon I think I will feel something is missing, I will expect that high that was linked to my ET.

      Annoying as this is to say, it is just a matter of time. The longer your exposure to the narcissist, it follows that the longer it will take to reduce your ET and keep it consistently low. I understand from HG this depends also on the school of empath and that makes perfect sense. My advice is to not think or worry about finding someone else just now. Given time you will see your future differently. A stronger and clearer headed you with all of the amazing qualities you have to offer, slowly filling your life with people who matter and who deserve to be around you.

      It’s a long process, don’t rush it. Just enjoy learning and understanding more about you and ensure you fully understand the ins and outs of your entanglement so that you can fully lay the ghost. The more you understand, the stronger and happier you will start to feel. You will start to think less about the narcissist and when you do, it won’t ache so much. You’ll remember but you will no longer crave.

      The rest will follow when it’s time.

      1. Asp Emp says:

        I reckon what you say about ‘missing the feeling’ in relation to ET & the narcissist. I honestly don’t know if that ‘feeling’ I once experienced would ever be replicated with someone that is not a narcissist. It’s so unfortunate that we fell under this massive ‘spell’ and how much power they have over us.

        I don’t yet know what school of empaths I fall into. It’s certainly not Heyoka LOL.

        Thank you for your words of wisdom – much appreciated x

  4. December Infinity says:

    Back away, keep quiet and go no contact. Get out and stay out. The only thing I can control is how I choose to act or not once I get away.

  5. blackcoffee30 says:

    So sad I didn’t see many fireflies and lightning bugs this summer. It was a wash. Bleh. I can’t even travel anywhere. At least I have KTN.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed you do, BC30.

    2. Violetta says:

      I had ONE summer moment. We had a socially-distant dinner at my friends’ house, I got to play with their cat (who thinks he’s a dog), walked out with one of the other guests to get ice cream afterwards, stopped by the neighbors’ to hold their two-month-old baby, had ice cream outside while listening to crickets, petted a hyperactive puppy…it was the quintessential summer evening.

      –until my friend tried to talk me into voting for Trump.

  6. Eternity says:

    HG, I feel like I am playing musical chairs reading this article.

  7. lickemtomorrow says:

    HG, for some reason these articles are for the most part showing up without spacing … no paragraphs, etc.

    Just thought I’d let you know in case it’s happening to anyone else. Otherwise the issue is at my end?

    1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

      Dearest Lickemtomorrow,
      Yes, me too and smaller
      I thought perhaps Saint Anger left one of his 23 demons here to play games with us haha
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      1. lickemtomorrow says:

        Good to know it wasn’t just me, Bubbles 😉 Mine could be smaller, not sure, but lol to St. Anger leaving one of his 23 demons … I wouldn’t put anything past a ‘Heyoka empath’!

        1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

          Dearest lickemtomorrow,
          I believe it’s an Native American term that means “fool” or a “sacred clown”
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Totally Incomprehensible Twat would be a better meaning.

          2. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dear Mr Tudor,
            You’re being too kind 😂
            Alexander Chez Eley aka Saint Anger is a born again Anglo Saxon Christian (pastor) divorced, tattooed, ear pierced, metal head, ex alcoholic, who was possessed by 23 demons in 2003, he’s bored playing with his 2 bullpits during covid
            Hobbies ….. music, acting
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          3. lickemtomorrow says:

            Hi Bubbles,

            I have a Native American friend who in many ways is the seat of all wisdom. She could talk about the Heyoka and I would hang on every word she said. Much respect to her again today.

            I had no idea anyone knew who this guy was! And I’m delighted for him if he has found a path of healing and hope which includes being exorcised of 23 demons.

            Sounds like an interesting story. And as an empath I’m hung up on hope …

            But he stormed in here without so much as a ‘by your leave’ and made it more about himself than anyone else.

            That was disappointing in terms of who he claimed himself to be.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            He is a narcissist who has appropriated the concept of Heyoka, another narcissist who thinks he is some kind of kick ass empath.

          5. Violetta says:

            The middle ages had a concept of the Holy Fool (the Brother Juniper stories in the Franciscan tradition, for instance), but that Holy Fool didn’t get defensive or self-pitying when he encountered humiliation. Rather, he embraced it joyfully for the sake of Christ. Nothing made Brother Juniper happier than being thought an idiot.

            I don’t think Layperson Anger was happy.

          6. HG Tudor says:

            Layperson Anger, ha ha. No, he had lost his dog and was most bitter about the loss of his mutt.

          7. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dearest lickemtomorrow,
            I researched the info he left and not surprisingly, he confirmed my suspicions 🕵🏻‍♀️
            I very much respect the American Indian wisdom and culture You’re lucky to have a native friend to learn about their traditions
            If St A got himself out of trouble and is helping others, good on him
            But coming on here, all he did was make a ‘Heyoka fool’ of himself
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          8. Violetta says:

            23 demons! Even Mary Magdalene only had 7.

            Narc had to turn it into another competition.

        2. lickemtomorrow says:

          Yes, he certainly came across as very narcissistic in his behaviour, and lol to the ‘kick ass empath’. He tried.

          1. lickemtomorrow says:

            I never knew I was an empath until I came here. I knew I was empathic, but had never applied or even sought to apply a label to myself. And strangely the discovery of being an empath came after the discovery of narcissism. I still can’t believe I was so unaware and so blind up to that point. And definitely a sucker!

            The empath being the counterpoint to the narcissist helps it all make sense.

            The reason I was a target, even as a child.

            What I appreciate is that HG you also make allowances for our narcissistic traits. There is no denial of the fact we are human. And there is also an appreciation of the fact we are empaths, which according to you does not need to change but which can be tied to emotional thinking. That thinking can get us into trouble (rather than our inherent goodness) but there is a way to manage it through logic. So, it is a hopeful and encouraging message – that of being an empath – once it is received.

            And that is the main message I received. That I am an empath. The breakdown (via the EDT – Empath Detector Test) was both fascinating and accurate, in terms of the pitfalls I could face. Ultimately it resonated with me and gave me more understanding about myself which up to that point had been sadly lacking.

            And that was my decision. After focusing so much energy on the narcissist to focus some of that energy back on myself.

            Thanks to you HG I’ve been able to reclassify myself from ‘sucker’ to ’empath’.

            What a relief it has been.

        3. Eternity says:

          Excuse me but what is a Heyoka Empath? Is it part of The Empath Detector?

          1. HG Tudor says:

            No, it is not. Do not trouble yourself with it. It was brought up by a clown, thinking that being a clown was a way to help people.

          2. Truthseeker6157 says:

            Agree HG,

            The other issue here is that it’s precisely that kind of person making that kind of claim that made me so cynical as regards the existence of empaths themselves.

            The jumping on the bandwagon of people claiming that empaths can do this or that prevents the factual information getting through. Material is glamourised to the point that it’s unbelievable. Some articles I found did resonate with me, but they were surrounded by drivel. It made me feel ridiculous researching about empaths let alone discussing the idea with people I know.

            This is the only place I found, where the material was honest and logical. So it is the only place where I have felt accepted for seeing the world the way I do. It was as important to me to face and understand my empathic nature, as it was to understand what the hell had happened to me with the narcissist.

            I have no issue with different cultures exploring different ideals and beliefs. There is value in that. I’m not a cynic in that way. Latching on to the Heyoka idea though and using it out of context for your own ends as that guy did, just makes a mockery of us all. Worse, it prevents genuine people like ourselves, from finding the information that we actually need to feel better.

            I’m not having that. We deserve better and we got better, right here.

          3. HG Tudor says:

            Well stated. Empaths do not go around announcing it loudly and repeatedly, those are narcissists. There are numerous who float around the internet declaring their “empathic credentials” left, right and centre.

          4. Asp Emp says:

            Is this so-called “Heyoka” still being discussed?

            I have to admit that in my early days of ‘finding’ my way and trying to seek the best form of therapy for myself – I came across an article which talked about narcissists (the ones ‘covert’) parading as empaths and I found it interesting but saddening.

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