Narcissist Vs Shelf IPSS



The following is a breakdown of an interaction between a Middle Mid-Range Narcissist and a Geyser Standard Empath. The two are in a Formal Relationship of Narcissist and Shelf IPSS (“SIPSS”), which those not benefiting from such knowledge would see as a married person who is having an affair with someone who is The Other Woman/Man.

  1. The narcissist and the SIPSS have spent the weekend together away in a coastal city. Therefore the SIPSS is off the shelf for the extent of the duration. She is painted white. The narcissist received positive fuel of a very good potency (SIPSS), massive quantity (in person, sexual interaction) and constantly (together all weekend).

2. The weekend ends and they leave the coastal city together. SIPSS off shelf and painted white.

3. The two part company and return to their respective homes. The SIPSS is now ON the shelf. This is not devaluation. The SIPSS remains painted white.

4. The following day, SIPSS sends a text to the narcissist

“It was great spending the weekend with you. I can’t wait until we do it again.”

This is pure positive fuel. Very good potency, one off frequency, very low quantity as short and in writing.

There is no response for an hour. The narcissist responds with

“It was great. Yes, we will do it again soon. I have a busy week ahead, so I will text you later on. Missing you.”

The SIPSS remains on the shelf. She remains painted white. This was a comfort crumb from the narcissist. It was pleasant, it maintains the engagement but signals to the SIPSS that she should not expect to hear from the narcissist often.

5. The following day there is no contact between the two. This is not a Silent Treatment, the SIPSS remains on the shelf and painted white.

6. The day after, the narcissist is reminded of the weekend. The SIPSS has entered his sixth sphere of influence. This is a Hoover Trigger. His Intimate Partner Primary Source has gone out for the evening unexpectedly. She in devaluation. Her departure has wounded the narcissist, he sends her an unpleasant text to provoke her in order to gain fuel. He requires fuel to address the wound, he can easily contact the SIPSS by text, social media or telephone, she has no partner, she has not wounded him, she provides excellent fuel and therefore the Hoover Bar is very low and the Hoover Execution Criteria are met. The narcissist telephones SIPSS. She has been taken off the shelf. They speak, fuel is provided, he berates his wife to the SIPSS (triangulation) and speak for about an hour. The call ends. The SIPSS goes back on the shelf and remains painted white.

7. There is no contact between the two of them for three days.

8. The SIPSS sends a text message early in the morning to the narcissist

“How are you? Just wanted to let you know I am missing you.”

Positive fuel. Very good potency, one-off frequency, very low amount.

There is an instant response from the narcissist by text

“I miss you too.”

The SIPSS sends a further text.

“I cannot wait until we can see one another again.”

Positive fuel, very good potency, one-off frequency, very low amount.

There is no response from the narcissist. The SIPSS remains on the shelf. She is painted white. The narcissist has not given a silent treatment but the lack of response is purely symptomatic of being on the shelf.

9. The following day the SIPSS texts the narcissist again early in the morning

“Hi, are you okay?”

Positive fuel, very good potency one-off frequency, very low amount.

There is no response. The SIPSS is still on the shelf, painted white and this is not a silent treatment.

10. She waits thirty minutes and texts again

“Please will you answer me, I hate not hearing from you.”

Positive fuel, very good potency, one-off frequency, very low amount.

Ten minutes later the narcissist replies by text

“I was in the shower. Busy day ahead. Will text later.”

This is a comfort crumb. The SIPSS is on the shelf and painted white.

11. There has been no contact between the two and it is now 5pm. The SIPSS texts again

“I really find it hard not hearing from you.”

This is positive fuel, very good potency, one-off frequency, very low amount.

There is no response from the narcissist. The SIPSS is on the shelf and painted white.

12. She waits ten minutes and texts again

“I thought you said you were going to text me later? This hurts.”

This is now Challenge Fuel. Her admission of hurt is negative fuel (albeit a very small amount as it is contained in a text) – however she is seeking to hold the narcissist to something he stated. The narcissist is NOT wounded by this, but regards this as a challenge to his superiority because the SIPSS is trying to make him feel accountable and this feels like his control is being eroded.

13. The narcissist replies with a text two minutes later

“I told you I had a busy day ahead, I am in a meeting.”

He is providing an explanation and asserting his superiority by looking to close the matter. He has not been provocative and is not seeking fuel from the SIPSS.

14. The SIPSS answers immediately

“Sorry, I didn’t know. When will you text me, or will you give me a call?”

This is Challenge Fuel again. The apology is a very small amount of positive fuel, the request for a call is mildly Challenging BUT aggregates with the earlier text message. The narcissist has not been able to assert the superiority to the extent required.

He texts back immediately

“No idea. V busy. Cannot talk now.”

He is not seeking fuel (he will be well fuelled whatever he is doing – maybe in the meeting or if not in a meeting in some other interaction) but needs to assert superiority and is seeking to close the challenge down. The SIPSS remains on the shelf and remains painted white

15. The SIPPS does not relent. She texts back straight away :-

” Will it be tonight? I want to talk to you, I always enjoy our chats. I hate not hearing from you.”

Again positive Challenge Fuel.

There is no response from the narcissist. His lack of response is designed to assert superiority by halting the conversation and thus the challenge from the SIPSS. The SIPSS remains on the shelf and painted white.

16. The SIPSS texts again :-

“Will it be tonight? I want us to talk, please.”

No response from the narcissist. Same point as above applies.

17. The SIPSS texts again :-

“Just yes or no, that’s all, I miss you.”

Positive Challenge Fuel.

No response from the narcissist. Same point as above applies.

18. The SIPSS texts again :-

“Will you answer me? It will only take you a second. Don’t ignore me.”

Negative Challenge Fuel. The irritation is fuel and the request to answer, prescriptive statement on the time taken and command not to ignore are the challenges.

No response from the narcissist. Same point applies.

19. The SIPSS texts again :-

“Answer me. This is not fair. Stop ignoring me. You had better answer me or I will call you at home on the landline.”

Negative Challenge Fuel. Annoyance plus criticism and threat.

20. The narcissist responds

“I said I am BUSY. Stop texting me. I said I would text you later but you cannot leave it can you? You dare ring my house. If you do, that’s it, it’s over. You’ve pissed me off.”

The narcissist is irritated by the SIPSS failure to accede to his superiority. She is not wounding because fuel is being provided.

The SIPSS repeated failure to stop texting and be patient now means she is painted black. She has failed to accept the narcissist’s superiority. She has not been compliant. The narcissist will now ignore her texts completely. She is being given a Corrective Devaluation which is an absent silent treatment.

21. The upset SIPSS fires off ten more texts. She makes no threats but insults the narcissist and complains about him being unfair and uncaring. These are either pure fuel or challenge fuel. The narcissist does not respond. The SIPSS realises there will be no response so she stops texting. She does not call the home landline.

The narcissist, in accordance with the Corrective Devaluation does not contact the SIPSS at all that night.

The SIPSS is on the shelf, painted black and subject to a Corrective Devaluation.

22. The next day the SIPSS sends a text at midday

“I am really sorry I pestered you yesterday, I know you work hard, it is only because I wanted to hear from you. I won’t do it again. I adore you and I will just wait to hear from you.”

This is pure positive fuel. The narcissist on reading this instinctively recognises that his superiority has been accepted again by the climbdown. The text is a Hoover Trigger. The narcissist sees this climbdown and views the SIPSS as white again. The Hoover Execution Criteria are met and he telephones the SIPSS. The conversation only last 5 minutes but he assures the SIPSS that they will speak tonight.

The SIPSS is still on the shelf, painted white and the Corrective Devaluation has ended.

23. The narcissist recalls his promise to call. This is a Hoover Trigger. The Hoover Execution Criteria are met (he recalls excellent fuel from the SIPSS, she is easy to contact, she has not wounded, there are no obstacles) and thus he does indeed telephone her and they speak for two hours that evening whilst the IPPS is out at the rifle range. For this telephone call the SIPSS is off the shelf, painted white. Positive fuel is provided during the conversation. It is of very good quality as coming from an SIPSS, the frequency is constant for the duration of the call and it is of moderate quantity since it is a telephone call.

Once the call ends, the SIPSS is back on the shelf and painted white.

24. Around midnight with the IPPS sound asleep and the narcissist in his bolthole, he recalls the telephone call (hoover trigger) and again the Hoover Execution Criteria are met ( similar to points above at 23) so he sends a text to the SIPSS. She replies immediately. They text back and forth for an hour. During this exchange the SIPSS is off the shelf and painted white. Positive fuel is provided. It is of very good quality, very frequent and low quantity because it is in writing. The narcissist is in-between engaging with another SIPSS online through social media and thus has two fuel lines open at this point.

When the texting ends, the SIPSS is placed back on the shelf and is painted white. The narcissist engages still with the other SIPSS and does so through Skype engaging in some mutual masturbation. Once that has concluded, the call ends and that SIPSS goes on the shelf also.

Accordingly, this short series of interactions provides the pattern of behaviours, clarifies how the appliance is regarded, how a Corrective Devaluation works, shows the shift from white to black to white, the fuel gathered, the type of interaction occurring and also the entwinement with other appliances also.

Are you a Shelf Appliance? A Mistress? The Other Man? The Side Piece? The Not Exclusive Dating Status? The Want More But He Will Not Commit Situation?

However it may manifest, nobody else addresses the shelf dynamic for victims of our kind, but I do and these are two logic bulletins which will give you understanding, focus and clarity.

Shelf Life : Deciphering What is Going On

Black or White : On The Shelf



30 thoughts on “Narcissist Vs Shelf IPSS

  1. Jenny says:

    I see now that I have been a shelf IPSS. You know it’s funny how all of what you describe jn your articles I always felt that this is what is going on. It is good to see I am right. Especially I always felt I was taking off the shelf when his IPPS was devalued. And I always wondered why I could never become his IPPS. Well I exposed his behaviour early on and this incident he always brang up again over and over.

  2. Supernova DE says:

    In this scenario, when a narc simply does not respond to SIPSS due to being on the shelf (painted white), does the narc ignore entirely or will he allow the appliance to see he has read the message and not responded? I find the detail given by social media platforms entirely to the narcs advantage! Lol. Haha funny but another reason to avoid social media when ET is in the picture for sure.

    Thank you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The narcissist would be more likely to provide a comfort crumb since the appliance is painted white, but if that was not done, the narcissist will read the message thus showing it has been seen, rather than ignore the message. Since the appliance is painted white, he is not consciously ignoring the message but rather he feels no compulsion to reply, which although they may appear similar to the victim are two different things.

  3. DrHouse says:

    Just to clarify. BPD do exist? And what part to multiply personality disorders play a role in narc world? What’s the most misdiagnosed disorder? And have you ever pretended to be something else during doctor time?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      BPD is either victims with PTSD or Mid-Range Narcissists.
      I am always something else during “doctor” time, they do not know me.

  4. Blondie says:

    HG if the narcissist is having a major life crisis, as in lack of money low fuel ,drinking a lot and telling everyone this ,why does he keep the ipss and others at arm’s length .

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I need more information from you to understand the relevant context as this is a complex question that requires consultation.

      1. Blondie says:

        Will do thankyou .

  5. DrHouse says:

    Is it common for the narc to use the SIPSS to get drugs or prescription meds in exchange for “ love“?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Not common, but it happens.

      1. DrHouse says:

        Thank you, is a narcs favorite target often a BPD? Does the narc select them or is it a 50-50 situation?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          BPD are either misdiagnosed victims with PTSD or Mid Range Narcissists. The former are sometimes favoured by certain narcissists since they have been tenderised in advance.

          1. DrHouse says:

            Are you saying BPD are misdiagnosed Midrange narcs? Are there and BPDs in your opinion?

          2. HG Tudor says:


            Read again what I wrote.

          3. karmicoverload says:

            Man, I really need to read up on PTSD. I have been wondering for a while now if I am BPD. Maybe I’m barking up the wrong tree.

          4. FYC says:

            Karmic, You may also find CPTSD information useful in your search.

            I once indirectly encountered a diagnosed BPD in a work setting. Sweet superficial veneer. Sought control in the now at all times. Obtained fuel from manipulations and provocations with regularity. Lied profusely. Repeated criminal acts. Countless pity plays. Out of control emotions and verbal expression when angry (fury). When none of the above worked she announced that she had BPD and was seeking treatment as a pity play in an attempt to avoid dismissal by her boss. It was unsuccessful. Looking back on that now, I see all the hallmarks of a midrange narcissist.

            I have also seen from past examples on KTN how empaths, in a state of overwhelming ET during and/or post abuse, could be misdiagnosed as BPD.

            The beauty of HG’s model is not only in its breadth and depth and accuracy, but also in the layers of application that can be applied to bring clarity to a collection of identified behaviors. I am still learning, but this process is literally changing the way I observe human behavior across the spectrum of E to Normal to N.

            I recommend starting with HG’s Empath Detector, followed by Trait Detector. These are truly invaluable tools that will provide great insight, and possibly put your mind at ease. The results will also help point the way to which APs and KB you may benefit from the most. I also highly recommend the addiction package. If you have dealt with narcissists your entire life, you may not realize your emotional addiction plays a part in your stress. Lastly, I would recommend Zero Impact as this will set you free.

          5. HG Tudor says:

            Valid observations FYC, thank you.

          6. FYC says:

            My pleasure, HG. Thank you.

          7. karmicoverload says:

            Thank you FYC, this was very helpful. I definitely need to look into this some more. For some reason I couldn’t reply directly to your comment so I hope you see this! X

          8. FYC says:

            Karmic, I am glad you found my comment useful and I wish you the best going forward.

          9. Supernova DE says:

            I find this idea powerful though it is in an off-hand answer of Hg’s. Though this is typical and I learn a lot from his simple explanations.
            I identify with a lot of BPD traits, and I know a lot of empaths here do also.

            HG, will you write something about this? Do you believe BPD itself is a sham diagnosis? I know you are not a psychologist and I’m just asking for your gut opinion here, if you will give it.

          10. HG Tudor says:

            I will do so.

          11. cadavera says:

            HG, did you ever write anything about BPD as was suggested at the bottom of this thread? If so, will you please post the link? I’m beside myself right now as I had no idea you viewed BPD in this manner: misdiagnosed victims with PTSD or Mid Range Narcissists. I came across an article on Quora about 3 years ago that blew me away and the content was about how BPD is often misdiagnosed C-PTSD (I believe the author said 80% of the time). Just a few months prior to me finding that article, I had about half a dozen random people tell me they didn’t think my BPD diagnosis was correct. I’d never had anyone say this much less 6 or so and all around the same time. Turns out, they were correct. I am one of those who was misdiagnosed with BPD because I fit nearly all of the criteria when it was actually C-PTSD. Having diagnosed myself first with BPD in 1994 and then was officially diagnosed in 1997 by a psychiatrist, I lived a long time with an incorrect diagnosis and a huge one at that. Most therapists/doctors/pwBPD aren’t aware of this I don’t think. As if I didn’t think you knew your stuff already……you really, truly know your shit. There are still times when I swear I have BPD but combine a Geyser with C-PTSD and I think you’ll agree that someone with those over the top emotional reactions coupled with the traumatized individual inside sure looks like a pwBPD. Guess what created a lot of my early trauma? Yep, being raised by narcissistic parents. Everything that @FYC wrote in response to @DrHouse and @karmicoverload was extremely valid and spot on. I hope she sees what I posted here. I’ve lived it and what a surprise it was since I never once questioned my BPD diagnosis. Ever. Thank you HG. For knowing.

          12. HG Tudor says:

            See my video “The Borderline”.

          13. Asp Emp says:

            HG, having been through your work and recognising so many aspects of my life and myself as an individual, CPTSD was something I had never come across until I cam to KTN. Even now, today, I believe no doctor would have even uttered ‘CPTSD’ to me. Thank fk I came here and got the answers I needed (thank you, HG x).

            As I read the comments in this thread, as you suggest in your comment here, a “diagnosis” of BPD is either it is someone with CPTSD, or a MRN. It occurred to me that, should an adult appear to display characteristics of “BPD” and uses your work to embark on a journey of ‘rediscovery’ and repeatedly show signs of improvement during that ‘path’, it could strongly indicate someone who was a victim of narcissistic abuse, hence the CPTSD being the more ‘correct’ diagnosis. On the other hand, if someone is not showing signs of ‘improvement’ on their “journey”, ie contradictory, pity plays, out of control emotions, seemingly not having really ‘moved forward’, one could suggest it is an MRN, an unaware narcissist.

  6. December Infinity says:

    Interesting description on how this scenario works.

  7. Hekla says:

    Wow, this is an excellent article; thank you, H.G.Tudor! I have two questions:
    1. Is my understanding correct that a shelf IPSS can be painted white, but the narc still doesn’t reply to her texts? I always thought that whenever my narc did not reply, it was due to the fact that I must have been painted black, but I see you mention it that the narc does not reply, but the IPSS is still painted why. How can we decipher then if we are painted black or white?
    2. How will it affect a narc, if a shelf IPSS never reaches out first, or when she receives no reply once, she leaves it at that and does not write pleading texts but waits for the narc to reach out again, even if that takes weeks or months?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. See On The Shelf : Black and White in The Knowledge Vault.
      2. It will not concern the narcissist because you are on the shelf and therefore he does not have any need to deal with you, so you are expected to sit quiet and wait. Of course, your failure to then contact us may well be used against you at a later juncture when you are hoovered off the shelf, but that is the nature of the narcissist.

    2. cadavera says:

      Good questions, Hekla. I’m curious about this too as I’m always on the shelf it seems. lol

      1. karmicoverload says:

        Me too. I actually thought I had been disengaged from, but in another of H.G’s articles, he states that this would lead to blocking by the Narcissist on social media and all other forms of communication. That seems to be the main difference between being on the shelf and disengagement. Correct me if I’m wrong, H.G?

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