Why Does the Narcissist Do All of This?


The sudden silences. The periods of no communication when before the airwaves crackled with the send and return exchange of text messages. The repeated calls throughout the day to talk of something and to talk of nothing, now gone and empty. The absence of a morning greeting. The absence of any greeting. Just absence. Cold and unremitting silences which stretch from hours, to days, to weeks. What was once there has been banished. What’s it all for? Perhaps he just wants some time alone?

The inability to ever say sorry. The frustrating failure to ever issue an apology, it is as if those words cannot be formed or do they manifest but something causes them to freeze so they never find the light of day? The denial of fault, the deflection of blame, the resolute and forthright rejection of any accountability. All you want is to hear her say it the once, to say sorry, to hear that admission and sense some humanity exists there after all. What’s it all for? Perhaps she believes that I will think less of her if she apologises to me?

The never-ending carousel of blame and accusation. The merry-go-round of that dizzying discussion which never reaches fruition. The whirling array of “I never said that”, “you do the same”, “you can’t keep accusing me” and so much more leaves you disorientated and nauseous. Just once, just one time, can’t something be resolved without this round-the-houses farce? Must it always be this way? Why is nothing ever put to bed? Why is everything buried alive? What’s it all for? Maybe he just doesn’t understand me, perhaps I need to be clearer about what I mean?

The broken engagements. The no-shows. The promises to meet and then the failure to appear leaving you upset, annoyed and miserable. He promised. He promised that this would not happen again. The frequent ringing and all you receive is the notification that the cellphone you are calling is not available right now. Where is he? Has he forgotten? He cannot have done, you spoke to him only four hours ago to remind him of the arrangements, especially after what happened last time. You miss him and you were so looking forward to spending the night together after a period of not being able to do so. Surely he should have remembered? The chasing messages “Where are you?”, “Are you near?”, “I have been waiting twenty minutes, where are you?”, “What’s happening, I am worried”. What’s it all for? Perhaps he has had to work late, or he is stuck on the subway or he has run out of charge for his ‘phone?

The repeated alterations to arrangements. The tears, the shouting, the disappointments, the rolling out of false explanations to try to ease their upset. Yes, he did say he would take you out today, he must be caught up with something else, why don’t we do something instead? How can he let the children down like this? The turning up without agreement and demanding to see the children. Forcing you into a corner in order to placate him so the children are not scared. You back off again and again. Always you making the compromises. Always you trying to explain away the increasingly unexplainable. The arguments about the arrangements, the lies about what was arranged, the confusion over details. What’s it all for? Is he going mad? Maybe you are?

The insults and slurs, the nasty words, the harsh put-downs and the savage comments. The vicious text message tirades sent at 3am, the blistering verbal attack down the telephone, the dressing-down in person just before a night out. The personal cutting remarks, the swear-words, the name-calling and the labelling. So hurtful, so demeaning, so upsetting. What’s it all for? Perhaps he just doesn’t love you anymore?

The chopping and changing. Last week’s steak had to be well done and now it has to be bloody. How were you expected to know, but you were? The eruption and the tantrum which followed demonstrated that you were the one to blame. Red is good, now it is bad. No soda with the vodka, but now he is banging doors and shouting because there is no soda. Sit there, no there, be quiet, say something, leave me alone, you never speak to me much these days, do it like that, no don’t do it like that, who taught you to do this it is brilliant, who taught you to do that you are an amateur, back and forth, push and pull, right then wrong. What’s it all for? Perhaps he just cannot remember or just wants to keep changing for the sake of it? Perhaps the pressure of work is really getting to him these days?

The argument over nothing. The argument out of nowhere. The argument when everything was going well. Why is she angry all of the time? Nothing is ever right but rather than discuss it in a civil manner and be reasonable with one another, there always has to be a fight. She could start an argument in an empty room. She seems to thrive on creating a scene. So many days, so many occasions, so many events all spoiled by the epic tantrum which she throws. What’s it all for? Perhaps she has anger management issues?

The sudden bouquet of flowers. The expensive perfume. The sudden trip away to somewhere exotic and exciting. The sensitive poem carefully written in copper plate and placed under your pillow. The sudden proclamations of love. The dizzying romance. The grand gestures. What’s it all for? He must really, really love me.

The accusations, the challenges, the pointed finger and the sneer. The demands for the truth when you are telling the truth. The inquisition and the interrogations over anything and nothing. The way you answered the phone, the way you wear your dress, the friends you said you were visiting, the time you came home. Always the questions, the allegations of lying, cheating and skullduggery. Every time this happens when you want to do something and he never seems to realise he does all of these things himself. What’s it all for? Perhaps he is just possessive because he cares so much?

The lies. The tales. The fabrications. Every day a new boast which is so outrageous that she must surely know she is telling a porky pie. The flagrant omissions of the truth. The repeated protestations that this is the truth even when you know she is lying again. The lies when the truth would serve her better. The inability to know she is lying. The fact she really does seem to believe her lies are her truth. What’s it all for? Perhaps she is just a born liar and a fantasist?

The disappearances whenever you need help. The excuses that he has something else more important when you require support. The sudden coldness when you call and explain how you have been bullied at work again. The distant look and the eye-rolling as you try to explain why you are crying. The sudden lack of availability when you need a hand. The fact you must fend for yourself even though you are too weak to stand and feel dizzy. The shirking of responsibility, the rejection of assistance and the distancing when you are injured. What’s it all for? Perhaps he just cannot stand the sight of blood or does not know what to do when somebody is ill?

The flirting, the staying out late, the drunkenness, the drugs, the gambling, the smell of perfume on his clothes, the receipts from lap-dancing bars, the hours and hours and hours spent watching porn online, the obsession with his video games, the sudden and mysterious trips away. What’s it all for? Perhaps he has an addictive personality?

The tears, the pleading, the begging, the demand for one more chance, the assurances that it will never happen again, the promises to get help, the panic in his eyes and the wailing from his mouth. The neediness, the repeated requests to make things right, the long involved explanations, the repetition of how we should be together and how good we are for one another, the promises, the future, oh the promises of what the future can hold for us both. What’s it all for? Perhaps he is broken and you should not walk away from someone in such need?

Maybe he struggles to express himself?

Maybe he just has never had anybody stand up to him?

Maybe she has problems with trusting people?

Maybe he is just disorganised?

Maybe he struggles with being a single parent?

Maybe he cannot help how he feels?

Maybe he is indecisive?

Maybe he feels unappreciated?

Maybe he really does love you?

Maybe that’s his way of loving you?

Maybe she is just different?

Maybe he doesn’t love you anymore?

Maybe he can’t help but feel jealous because he really does love you?

Maybe she tells lies to make herself feel better?

Maybe he struggles with responsibility?

Maybe she is tired?

Maybe he is lost?

Maybe she is over-worked?

Maybe he is stressed?

Maybe you don’t know what you are entangled with?

Maybe you make too many excuses for them?

What’s it all for?

Control and fuel.


The Narcissist´s 3 Assertions of Control

13 thoughts on “Why Does the Narcissist Do All of This?

  1. Ashton says:

    “The sudden bouquet of flowers. The expensive perfume. The sudden trip away to somewhere exotic and exciting. The sensitive poem carefully written in copper plate and placed under your pillow. The sudden proclamations of love. The dizzying romance. The grand gestures. What’s it all for? He must really, really love me.”

    I must be an empath with low standards even in my selection of narcissists. The narcissist I had romantic relations with believed flowers were cheap and useless. An elite narcissist would have gotten me flowers!

    Does the type of narcissist (low, mid, elite) make the difference on how to best approach him/her? Co-parenting situation, I still interact with someone who I believe to have NPD. One professional questioned sociopathy only because this ex stated he didn’t understand why people had the emotions they do for any given situation. He is highly calculated though in his one up behaviors. I just don’t know if he sees himself as a narcissist or knows what he is.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Ashton, you are confusing schools and cadres. Schools are Lesser, Mid-Range and Greater, with sub schools within each one. Cadres are Somatic, Cerebral, Victim or Elite which attach to the sub schools (although not all).

      Yes, the school does indeed affect the nature of the interaction with the narcissist. To obtain clarity and the correct way forward I recommend you utilise these


  2. Asp Emp says:

    All he had to bloody say is to me is “I’m sorry, I fked up. Big style”.

    He won’t though. That’ the sad part. No, my ET levels are still down there, somewhere (wherever that is. LOL).

  3. December Infinity says:

    Six months after the last narc I had to end it with, I read this article and realize I went through all of what was described. So what was it all for? Control and fuel. Definitely.

  4. Hellen says:

    Dear HG, what about situation when narcissist suddenly changes for better?

    When you are his IPPS for a longer period of time like a year and during that time he acts just like a narcissist – triangulates by flirting with other women in front of you – offline and online, even during golden period (it pisses you off a little bit but you tell yourself he is just an innocent charmer by nature) and then after a year of being together it stops, he becomes focused only on you and tries hard not to make you jealous?

    I always thought that with narcissists it is good only in the beginning when the feeling is fresh and new and they are infatuated but with time they are treating you worse, your fuel bacomes stale, so they start to seek additional fuel elsewhere and that;s why the manipulations begin.

    What if this dynamic suddenly changes? Does it mean that the first year was a kind of “test drive” and narcissist finally decided it is time to fully commit to you? Is it possible your fuel became better with time so he has no need for additional sources? Or is it some kind of malignant trick because he isn’t ready to let you go and is afraid you will escape? If this is the point, will this change be permanent if he used triangulation and jealousy in your relationship during first year?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Hellen, it is called a Respite Period and is a short resumption of the golden period. Devaluation will follow again thereafter. There will be multiple Respite and Devaluation Periods within the overarching Devaluation Period between narcissist and the IPPS,

      1. Hellen says:

        Thank you HG, I thought it might be the case, but it’s been almost 2 months since he stopped looking at other women, very strange, during whole year he didn’t mind if I saw his flirtations. He wanted me to see it. Now he acts like angel and wants us to live together. Before we were seeing each other every day but we have two different appartaments so this sudden change in his behaviour and his need to add more commitement by living together made me feel like maybe the “real golden period” starts now.

        But after a year? We are like an “old married couple”, we know our famielies, we are exclusive, we spend every second of our life together from the beginning.

        If it’s respite period – does this feel like “real love” to the narcissist? I know that during first golden period narcissists do not consciously pretend – they really think they are in love. Is it the same during respite period? If he is able to act like a perfect boyfriend for two months, does it mean he fall in love with once again or is he consciously pretending? He is mid range

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It again feels like everything is good and “love is in the air” for Lesser and Mid Range it is not pretence, but it is not genuine, i.e. those narcissists do not think “I will pretend I am in love” but they are unconsciously pretending that they are in love because they are incapable of love.

          1. lickemtomorrow says:

            This can be a tough concept to grasp.

          2. Asp Emp says:

            That’s exactly what I mean when I say something about the comprehension of the MRN’s behaviour when it appears they seem to know what they are doing….

          3. Hellen says:

            Thank you for your reply, HG.

            lickemtomorrow – yea, for me it’s difficult to understand this whole concept. It is quite easy to understand when it’s simplified to idealization – devaluation an discard cycle. Especially when everything is happening really fast, when the idealization phase is short, like 2-3 months of total love and then one day out of nowhere you enter devaluation phase when narcissist treats you totally different than 2 months ago. Yes, this sounds like madness. “Normal” people do not act this way.

            But when you start looking into details, when you hear that “idealization” can last for one, two or more years and devaluation phase is interspersed with many Respite Periods in which narcissist still thinks he loves you and want to be with you it doesn’t sound like madness at all. It sounds like a normal relationship with ups and downs. I don’t see there anything weird.

            First of all I think it is impossible for anyone, especially narcissist who is highly sensitive and unrealistic to “idealize” someone for 2 years. If he does, if he feels he is in love for two years, it means one of two things – he loves his partner like any normal person in a normal relationship do or he is just a con artist who is pretending to be in love for example because his partner is rich and he doesn’t want to let her go, because he doesn’t have better options right now.

            When after 2 years you enter Devaluation Phase, narcissist starts to see your flaws. How is it different to normal relationships? I dont see any difference. After 2 years everybody will see flaws in their partner, butterflies are long gone, but you are together hoping it will be all good one day. Ant then bang – respite period. Bad days are gone.But it’s nothing weird again – every relationship has its respite periods. And then, one day, for example after 4 years, narcissist meets new person falls in love and discards you – just like in any normal relationship. You are crashed because your ego is hurting because of the rejection. Dumpee always hurts, because dumpee is the one rejected.

            Hoovers? We demonize them, we like to think narcissist hoovers because they are sadists who want to hurt us. When truth is, they are just bored at the moment, so they call a person they know, maybe they are curious how is it going and then, narcissist moves on 30 seconds after the hoover and he no longer thinks about it. While a “victim” will obsess next 6 months over one text. Who is the one disordered here?

            I don’t say there is no such thing like NPD and I don’t say this abuse is not real. But this concept is really complecated. I personally don’t see any disfunction in a relationship with so called narcissist when it lasts years, especially when he really belives he loves you. For me its sound like any other relationship.

  5. Anm says:

    The sociopath/narcissist that I deal with goes silent before he tries to strike. Almost like he is plotting, saving energy, keeping his mouth shut to not incriminate himself. I’m used to it. I can read him, and prepare now.

  6. lickemtomorrow says:

    “The inability to ever say sorry. The frustrating failure to ever issue an apology, it is as if those words cannot be formed or do they manifest but something causes them to freeze so they never find the light of day? The denial of fault, the deflection of blame, the resolute and forthright rejection of any accountability. All you want is to hear her say it the once, to say sorry, to hear that admission and sense some humanity exists there after all. What’s it all for?”

    “What’s it all for?

    Control and fuel.”

    There’s my answer.

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