Surely That’s The End, Yes?
“I have not heard from him in a month, he has moved on hasn’t he?”
“I exposed what she is like to all of her family, she won’t be contacting me again that’s for sure.”
“I told him I know what he is and he disappeared so I doubt I will hear from him again.”
“He is with somebody else already so I guess he won’t want me again will he?”
“I told him what I thought of him and he just backed off. He won’t hoover me will he?”
“He came crying back to me and I gave him short shrift. I doubt he will bother again.”
There are many different scenarios and outcomes involving our kind where the victim considers that our kind will not bother with them again post discard or post escape. The victim thinks that a period of total silence, the involvement of the narcissist with a new victim, the manner in which the relationship ended will all mean that the narcissist will not come sniffing around the victim ever again.
Why is this the case?
Firstly, you must understand our perspective. You belong to us. You are our appliance. You are our property. The Formal Relationship between us may have ended but the Narcissistic Relationship is forever. It only ends when either you or I cease to draw breath. It does not matter that we enter into a new Formal Relationship with somebody else. It does not matter if you do. It does not matter that world war three erupted when we parted company. It does not matter if there has been complete silence for two years. None of these factors alter the fact that in our minds the connection between you and I because of the Narcissistic Relationship lasts until one of us dies.
Secondly, the attraction of gathering fuel from you is substantial and this is the prime driver for never letting go. Fuel is so important to us that it drives everything about behaviour and the link between you and I is no exception to the all-pervasive power of fuel.
Thirdly, factors such as new partners, the effluxion of time and the manner in which the Formal Relationship has ended are immaterial.
I am repeatedly asked by people whether a hoover will happen. I always answer the same; the risk always remains, but you can manage that risk. People set out the circumstances of the end of the Formal Relationship to me and what has happened since (if anything) and ask whether a hoover will happen, or express their view that they do not think it will happen because of a, b or c. My answer again is the same; the risk of us returning always remains, but you can manage that risk.
It is never the end. There is always a risk, a chance, a probability (or a possibility) that we will return to you and apply a hoover. You cannot assume that it is over. No matter how much it may seem that it is over, no matter how much it may appear to you that we will not come back, that we apparently have no reason to do so, such assumptions are dangerous. There are only two factors which are material to the issue of whether you will be hoovered again.
The first factor is the Hoover Trigger. For a hoover to happen potentially, it must first be triggered. This means that you must come into our sights, that we sniff the prospective fuel that leaks from you, that something happens to cause you to come up on our radar. Whether this happens depends on whether you enter one of the six spheres of influence. I have written separately about them in The Spheres of Influence (And What You Can Do About Them) in another article. I will not repeat its content other than to state that
- You have control over whether you enter any of the first five spheres of influence; and
- You have no control over whether you enter the sixth sphere of influence.
By staying away from us through no contact you will not enter the first five spheres. The sixth sphere is when we happen to think of you. Thus, if you have successfully implemented no contact the only risk of a trigger being activated is if we happen to think of you. You cannot influence that. Our preoccupation with your replacement means we are far less likely to think of you and hoovers are triggered by you doing something to enter the first five spheres, such as messaging us or passing where we live.
If you maintain no contact the first five spheres will not be entered. It then just depends on whether we happen to think of you. This may not happen for weeks or months. You can therefore see that by staying out of the first five spheres you will vastly reduce the risk of a Hoover Trigger being activated but you cannot state that it will never happen as it is reliant on if we happen to think of you. That may just be a random occurrence or it might be because we see something that reminds us of you.
The second factor is only applicable if the Hoover Trigger has been activated. The second factor is concerns the Hoover Criteria. These criteria include such matters as: –
– Whether you are a potent source of fuel;
– Whether you can easily be located;
– Whether you can easily be contacted;
– Whether you have your defences maintained concerning us;
– Whether you remain mired in the emotional sea;
– What support networks you have in place;
– How well fuelled we are;
– The nature of the narcissist who you entangled with (Lesser, Mid-Range or Greater); and
– Potential obstacles
All of these matters combine to determine whether it is worthwhile us expending our energy to act on the Hoover Trigger. If we are presented with a sitting target, flowing with fuel, caught in the emotional sea, isolated and exposed then the criteria point heavily to the fact that a hoover will now take place. If on the other hand it is very hard to contact you, we know you have stopped flowing with fuel when dealing with us, you have people who will stop us trying to reach you and so forth, you become a Flawed Reason to Extract Emotion (F.R.E.E.).
For a worked example of how this can happen if someone enters the first sphere of influence I recommend that you read the article Hoover Time! Sphere One.
Accordingly, if you can do everything possible to become a F.R.E.E. then even if Hoover Trigger is activated then the chances of us executing that hoover will be considerably reduced. By contrast, if you fail to attain becoming a F.R.E.E. then you run the risk of a hoover being executed.
You will note that in the hoover criteria above there is no mention of the gap between when we last contacted you and the current time. There is no mention of the circumstances in which we parted company as the Formal Relationship. There is no mention of you knowing what we are, whether you told us, whether you exposed our abuses to others. Those are not factors which concern us. The existence of a new partner is not relevant either in isolation, but is only a partial consideration in terms of whether that person might stop us. Of course even if they might do so and all the other factors point to the execution of a hoover, this one criterion has diminished relevance.
Accordingly, when you are asking yourself whether a hoover may happen. Remember this.
- You can never say never.
- There needs to be a Hoover Trigger. You can significantly influence whether there is one and reduce the risk but you cannot remove it.
- The Hoover Criteria need to be met. Again, you can significantly influence whether the criteria are met by becoming a F.R.E.E. and reduce the risk, but you cannot remove it.
The issue of whether you will experience a hoover is not completely in your hands, but is far more within your control than you might at first have thought.
It is never the end but you are not helpless.
8 thoughts on “Surely That’s The End, Yes?”
It is the end for me. Since mid-March. I ended with him – though he twisted it and accused me of leaving him but he was the one who had to leave my place. I had to change my phone number and block him. He tried to get my new phone number but I didn’t provide it. I had to get the police involved several times. I unfriended/blocked several of his Facebook profiles. I have stayed off social media for a while. It isn’t something I use often. Right now I need a break.
What I know for sure is he knows not the content of my character.
I wonder how many empaths have the “forever” relationship with narcissists in their lifetime.
The narcissist who has ensnared the married MRN does cause the MRN to try and ‘hoover’ me whenever the MRN has been ‘discarded’ by the narcissist in control. I very strongly suspect that it’s nothing to do with the 6th Sphere at all. It is through provocation of the narcissist’s treatment of the MRN. Then the MRN is malignly ‘hoovered’ back in again – just because of the entitlement to play games and be in control.
So it had been 7 weeks yesterday since we last spoke. I have been given silent treatment off and on for the last year and a half. Cheated on and abandoned…told he was still in love with his ex wife whom he will tell you he thinks is horrible at every turn. 7 weeks ago He left me standing in the middle of the road after having a wreck and saying he was on his way to get me only to not show up and told me to get the cop to take me home. Since then he has been at my apt complex twice under the guise of visiting a friend he hasn’t visited in a year. I have been no contact. Why the sudden interest in being in my complex? Is he visiting the friend or is this about me?
On the assumption the individual is a narcissist, you are receiving direct physical hoovers by his attendance at your apartment complex. If you are no contact, how do you know that he is visiting under the guise of a visiting a friend? It is possible he is visiting the friend, but it is more likely that he is seeking to hoover you and is using the “visiting a friend” as plausible deniability. Your comment suggests that you are having some form of interaction with him and this needs to be stopped. You need to revisit your no contact regime and strengthen it and if you want help with that I recommend that you arrange a consultation, Elizabeth.
I have had no contact with him. However I do know the friend and have been around him multiple times during my “relationship” with my narcissist, but it has always been in a work setting. They never hung out with each other, even when my ex lived here, except the last time he was spying on me. I have also recently found out his ex wife’s new boyfriend lives here also. Since I wrote you I have seen him driving by at times specific to when I get off work as well as the new boyfriend’s schedule. I have considered a consultation. I have done no contact for over two months now, but feel like I am waiting for the other show to drop and for him to show back up.
Hello Elizabeth, your no contact regime needs improvement and it is clear that various questions are impacting on you. Accordingly, I would invite you to arrange a consultation so I can help you with both of these areas.
I was hovered relentlessly by ex-N until I changed my phone number. He is blocked on all other avenues. He cannot come to my home since he is registered as unwelcome with the complex security, he does not know where I work and we have no contacts in common. It is now two years since he discarded me.
I did see him though about a year ago. I had gone to a little shop close by which has one entrance an exit. I did not see him when I drove in as he was sitting in his brother’s car. When I was in the shop, I glanced out and saw that he was leaning on the car in such a way that everyone leaving had to drive around him. Charming! I went back to my car and steeled myself for the close encounter. My daughter and I play a game when out and about. If there is a pedestrian in the road, she shouts “10 points” encouraging me to run them over. For this reason, I have never given her driving lessons!
On that auspicious day only my son was with me. As we drove towards the narc sunning himself and causing an obstruction in the traffic, my son shouted “200 points!” We were laughing so hard as we drove around him that I am sure he heard us. I am quite sure I will not be approached ever again.
Incidentally, my son said later that it was just as well that I hadn’t hit him as he would have seriously damaged my car. He has grown considerably rounder since he moved on from me!