Utter Disgust

 

UTTER-DISGUST

You disgust me. How did I ever choose to be with you? How did I not see what you really are? You conned me. There can be no other explanation for what has happened. You drew me in and promised me so much. You offered all that I needed and now you have revealed your true colours. Another chameleon. I would have thought that I would have become more adept at identifying you by now but I suspect that you came with leaden tongue which was draped in sugar as you sought to lure me into your despairing world. I cannot believe that you behaved in such a way and after everything that I have done for you. This is the method of your thanks is it? You are a disgusting person to behave in this way. Building up my hopes, thinking that after so long searching and hunting that I have finally located the one that would always give me what I need. The sole supply of my strength, the bearer of joy, the provider of sustenance and yet you promised all this and when it came to the moment of reckoning you failed to deliver. I should not berate myself for once again I have been fooled by someone who came with obscuring smoke and confusing mirrors. I am but a simple and straightforward person who offers only dedication and a perfect love. You knew this yet you lured me in with your false promises and empty words.

How did you think I would react to such perfidy? With a smile and a “oh it does not matter”? Of course not. You failed me and in the most offensive way possible. You have insulted me, me of all people. You have caused grave offence through your disgusting conduct and that was why you had to be punished. It is not good pleading for clemency. You held a position of trust and you abused that trust in a foul manner. You were given complete and utter access to my inner being and you achieved this through manipulation and fraud. Your punishment accordingly must match this heinous crime. Look at you, snivelling and begging, the crocodile tears spilling down your face as you plead for leniency and another chance. How many chances must I give you? You have failed me so many times and you have taken advantage of my most generous nature. You disgust me. So weak and so pathetic. You thought you could break me but you could not. You thought that you could outwit and outflank me. Not a chance. You thought you could do as you pleased but I have found you out and for that you shall receive your comeuppance. Get up and have some dignity. By heaven, I cannot stand it when you behave like this. Your weakness offends me. I can smell the putrid stench of your pathetic vulnerability now that I have pierced that fraudster’s veil. The offensive odour is all pervasive and I want to vomit such is the disgusting sensation that arises from it. Get out of my sight, you turn my stomach. How did I ever think that you would be the solution? I must have taken leave of my senses but then in a way I did. You made me believe in something that was not real. You duped me. Me, me of all people, someone of my brilliance and intellect, taken in by the sleight of hand of a trickster. I cannot stand this association with something so vile as you. I despite you but I also despise myself for having ever chosen you. You promised me everything and I fell for it. I thought I knew better. I thought I had it all worked out, the path forward and the road to infinite excellence but you were waiting around the bend again weren’t you, you despicable bastard. You ambushed me and just as I thought everything was right, correct and well, you sought to topple me with your clandestine behaviours. Your deceit run through you like a disease and you are riddled with it. Do you see how it causes your features to twist in some sick parody of what you are? The vitriol and the malice age you. It is bound to be the case for nobody can such sick sin for too long. I suppose that is why you try and conceal it isn’t it? Your leering sick grin cannot be looked upon for it will reveal all your other warped features, the grimacing evil that stems from being such a disgusting creature as you are. I cannot stand to look upon you, I cannot bear to hear your screeching and pitiful voice which makes me shudder when I think how often I desired to hear it. Oh what a fool I have been to have been taken in by your promises. You have misled me over and over again. How could you behave in such a manner? Are you not disgusted with yourself? You ought to be. I can feel the bile rising in my throat as I contemplate what you have done to me and now as I see you for what you truly are. Leave! Be gone! I have no desire to have you in my eye any longer. My disgust overwhelms me and I must escape your presence. I said for you to go. Why do you remain staring at me and mocking me with those hooded eyes? Is there not end to your torturous ways? Stop looking at me. Stop it, I demand it. Perhaps if I shut my eyes and yes, you have gone. Ha, I am not finished yet. I have dispelled you but even as I keep my eyes shut tight I know that when I open them again you will have returned because I can never escape you can I?

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8 thoughts on “Utter Disgust

  1. CandaceMarie says:

    Where did HG go?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      See my latest post, the answer lies there.

      1. MB says:

        Libya. Definitely Libya.

        Welcome back HG! We’ve missed you and I am elated to have confirmation of your safe return. You don’t have to say it…. I know you missed us too!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you MB.

  2. Asp Emp says:

    Is this an empath? Or is this a narcissist?

    Well, it could be either. One or the other.

    Either way. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

    1. Eternity says:

      ASP, I think it can be viewed by both perspectives I guess even though we are from two different worlds.

  3. Doug Updike says:

    Hi H.G. I came across this site just before you made your third post on it and, coupled with a few of the sites I found back at the time, was given one hell of a crash course on covert Narcissism.

    I was still reeling from a horrible discard after a nineteen year relationship with a covert narcissist and was still emotionally and chemically bonded to my narcissist. The brain fog from the cognitive dissonance I had been futilely trying to rectify had my head reeling and it was extremely difficult to concentrate for any length of time, Even so, learning about narcissism from the point of view of a self-professed “greater narcissist” was instrumental in helping me to start to understand what I had been living with.

    I say “start to understand” because it was very difficult to retain information at the time. I had to read and reread everything over and over again to be able to retain much of what I read. Perhaps my search criteria was not specific enough, but it seems to me that as recent as four or five years ago there weren’t nearly as many viable websites on the subject of narcissism.

    Once I was convinced I knew “what’ I was interacting with, I began to see her abuse tactics for what they were. But several years before I go to that place of understanding, she had initiated a brutal and slanderous smear campaign and the entire situation felt hopeless. The more I learned about what had happened and how it had been accomplished, the more angry I got. But by then, she was ensconced in her pitiful lil’ me victim role, something she could have won an Academy Award for.

    I have been in complete No Contact for almost 21 months now and have only recently been able to get my sympathetic nervous system calmed to the point the fight or flight syndrome isn’t always working to some degree, releasing excess cortisol into my body constantly. One year ago today I was in the ER for double pneumonia when the doctors discovered i had congestive heart failure. The main artery out of my left ventricle was/is 100% blocked and for now, there is little they can do surgically without substantial risk. For now they have me on a “cocktail” of cardiac medications that are supposed to help my heart continue to create the arterial pathways now doing the job of the primary artery.

    I am almost 68 years old and have to accept (with gratitude) that healing will continue to be slow, emotionally, physically, and psychologically, but I am making forward progress. I only mention my heart condition in the off chance that this snippet of my story may help another victim of a similar age currently in a long-term relationship with a covert narcissist to seek medical intervention sooner than it happened for me. Long-term emotional abuse can potentially be deadly.

    I plan to go back through your archives and reread your earlier posts because I know there was a lot I did not retain at the time. I know you were “ordered” by the “powers that be” at the time to begin the blog for some reason or another, I guess that part of my memory is still blank.

    Anyhow, after realizing it had been a year since I was diagnosed with CHF, it gave rise to reflecting further back and thinking about the relationship, something I am able to do with an ever-increasing amount of objectivity since going No Contact.

    “Ordered” or not, thank you for your continued efforts put forth. I know your writings have been of great assistance to many other fellow victims of narcissistic abuse.

    Peace, Doug

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome Doug, well done on your no contact regime and ensure that it remains in place. Keep reading and understanding.

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