The Three Assertions of Control



If you are serious about understanding narcissism, it is essential you read this material as it is central to the narcissistic dynamic.

You will threaten the control of the narcissist and you will do so on a repeated basis.

Whatever position you hold in the narcissists fuel matrix, your actions, inactions and words will threaten the narcissists sense of control over you.

What then will the narcissist do? Naturally, he or she, being a creature of control must maintain or regain control over you. How does the narcissist do this? The narcissist asserts control in one of three ways.

This Logic Bulletin addresses

– What those three methods are

– The most common method of asserting control over you

– Your status as the Primary Protagonist

– What happens when one of the methods of asserting control fails

– Enabling you to understand why the narcissist has responded in a particular way, so that you now recognise that this is actually an alternative method of asserting control over you

– Recognising the absolute necessity of the need for control and your role within that.

This demystifies the narcissists behaviour in a simple manner enabling you to add to your armoury of defences, reduce falling prey to the lure of emotional thinking and avoiding the effects of confusion and bewilderment.

Understand here

34 thoughts on “The Three Assertions of Control

  1. Sweetest Perfection says:

    Haha I MEANT FLUSH!!!! Omg I’m not myself today. Guys, my English is getting worse, it’s obvious I’m really nervous today my apologies.

  2. Whitney says:

    HG the God
    I’ve been watching the documentary SEDUCED: INSIDE THE NXIVM Cult.
    It makes me think of what a hero you are. The victims wouldn’t be ensnared by the cult if they knew the lifesaving truth that you tell.

  3. Asp Emp says:

    HG, – I know this may not be the appropriate post (location)……. it was unfortunate that I happen to be doing my shopping and just over an hour ago – my car was the “hoover” – that Lesser was on other side of the road and standing there with arms crossed – staring at me. I just got into my car quickly & locked the doors – all this without any eye contact or words exchanged. I was still wearing my mask. He starts knocking on my window, I start my car and drive off. How DARE he invade my personal space and touch my property! I don’t know how I feel but don’t ever want see him again. I did well but FFS……

    1. Leigh says:

      Asp Emp, their lack of boundary recognition and sense of entitlement is unbelievable. Its so damn creepy! I’m glad you got out of there without talking to him. Stay strong. By the way, what does FFS stand for?

      1. Asp Emp says:

        Thank you Leigh for your comment. A bonobo would have had more sense than that Lesser does (probably fks better too LOL). FFS? Ah, ehem,….. For F**ks Sake. Do I need to spell it out? 😉

        1. Leigh says:

          Lol! I can’t get used to the text speak. I never know what the acronyms mean!

          1. A Victor says:

            Leigh, I don’t know a lot of the acronyms either, I appreciate your asking.

    2. A Victor says:

      Oh no. It must be the day for it. The narc I ended it with, 5 short weeks ago, called me today. Called! I thought for sure it would be an email. My phone didn’t give the option of blocking and deleting him so I went with the option of deleting, so I couldn’t call him in a moment of weakness. I’ve been considering getting a new number recently and in the process of switching my email to a new one.

      I didn’t answer. Now I will block him. Ugh. So difficult. I’d never had a relationship stop when I still wanted it to continue before. I had ended it because he started to scare me and I’d started to learn about narcissism. It fits so much. I’d not known anything about narcissism and now, after hundreds of dollars and many many hours spent learning about it, this one call…ugh, so tempting. I see now the addiction aspect more clearly, in my right mind I know there is no good that can come out of a relationship with him and yet I still want to respond.

      I listened to the voicemail, very bold of him all the way around. Called me a knucklehead and a crazy old woman in the process of telling me he’d gotten a new liver. Very interesting since he was on the inactive list last we’d spoken, 5 weeks ago, and doing nothing to change that. Likely all a lie but still, I want to congratulate him. What is wrong with me?! The absolute ignoring of the past, how it had been left, etc is unbelievable. It’s just, so, unbelievable! Just like you all said, boundary issues, entitlement etc. I wish I would’ve never gone on that site, never started talking with him. Thankfully, my kids will be very upset if I were to speak to him again. I have them for accountability as well as a few friends who’ve been walking through this with me. And of course, this site, hugely helpful.

      1. Asp Emp says:

        Hi AV. Any guy who calls you names like that has no balls. No decency. Its only been 5 weeks on your part – that’s not long. It’s not easy but you think you want to respond. He does not even deserve a new liver – whether true or not. He certainly does not deserve you. I knows it’s a harsh thing for me to say to someone. Hang in there, one day you will be able to look forward and not look back. That is what I have done – despite that Lesser daring to do what he did to me today never mind what he did to me in the past. I had thought about calling the police today – knowing them, they’d say he didn’t do anything wrong…. I haven’t spoken to him in over 5 & half years – I threw him out over 7 years ago……. yes, thank god for this site. Stay strong & stay safe x

        1. A Victor says:

          Hi Asp Emp, thank you for your encouraging and edifying words. He is blocked. I will take further steps as needed. Congratulations on standing strong in the face of your lesser! That is impressive and encouraging!!

          1. Asp Emp says:

            Ah, no worries. Thanks RE: Lesser. He’s not mine – he never was. I am so glad that I got in the car quick – I know if I had not locked the doors, he would have opened it. TBH I was shaking as I drove away – I had not felt ‘creeped’ out like that before and it was horrible. I went to another supermarket after that ‘incident’ and I was always looking over my shoulder, it was horrible. I got upset as I typed my original comment – I just needed to reach out. I’m still somewhat perturbed but will be ok.

          2. A Victor says:

            Thank you for clarifying he’s not yours, please forgive me.
            I’m glad you are doing better, it is nerve wracking.

          3. Asp Emp says:

            Oh no need to apologise – it just makes my skin crawl talking about that thing. I suffered different “manipulations” with both narcissists. It was easier for me to get the Lesser out of my mind & emotions compared to the MRN. The Lesser – in his mind – owned me. A few months ago, I was still ET / LT ‘imbalanced’ & said the MRN’s damage was worse – no, the Lesser was. Pity the Domestic Violence Act came far too late. Anyway, you are doing ok & will be ok. Give yourself time to understand things & take it from there x

        2. Leigh says:

          Asp Emp, I need to ask, how long were you together? Its been over for 7 years and you haven’t spoken in 5 &1/2 year and he’s still coming around. WTF??? Their sense of entitlement is off the charts.

          1. Asp Emp says:

            Around 10 years. No, he’s NOT been at my house (not that I know of anyway) for 7 years. This “encounter” was in public. Besides, I live on a private road with a ‘dead end’ so he would be trespassing. I am damned if I have to narrow my shopping “radius” to avoid a rapist pervert

      2. Whitney says:

        A Victor
        You are an extremely intelligent lady and he’s a idiot. You should have the absolute best. A fulfilling relationship with someone who matches your depth.

        1. A Victor says:

          Aw, thank you Whitney, your words are very kind! I am going to hold out for someone who is good, or no one, which would be fine also, certainly better than him. I am so surprised, his words didn’t even offend me initially, though they did catch me off guard a bit. It was as if he was trying to pretend we were just like “old shoes” with each other, very familiar and not “intended” as offensive, if that makes sense. Like, ‘oh good, now I’m healthy so we can pick up and carry on’. It was most odd. Thank you again, I’m so thankful for this site and all of you!

          1. Whitney says:

            You are such an amazing lady A Victor 💖💖 you apply your own depth to the Narc and trick yourself into thinking he’s more than he is. You’re playing things out in your head.

            Does he think you’ll be impressed by his new liver, and that’s why you can pick up again now?

            If you could think clearly, A Victor, you would see you are better than him with every fiber of your whole body.

            You will find that everything he does is to impress you or put you down, to trick you into valuing him.

            The manipulations are a defense mechanism for a worthless piece of shit to have the audacity to be in your presence A Victor.

      3. A Victor says:

        Well, he did get a liver. Confirmed. Happy for him but…I’m not going to tell him.

        1. Whitney says:

          I know you have no ill will against him A Victor. That is lovely of you 💖 it only says something about you. Not him.

          1. A Victor says:

            Honestly, I wish I had ill will toward him, it would make the whole no contact thing easier. But it didn’t get that far, he was only actually less than nice for 48 hours. I tend to be skittish in relationships to begin with and add to that learning a bit about narcissism and the signs I saw in him of it, I ran early. I landed here about 3-4 days later and have learned a whole lot more. Thank you again though I think it speaks more to my commitment-phobia than that I’m particularly nice, lol!

        2. A Victor says:

          Whitney, I just saw the prior message you sent. Thank you, again, I will play out the end every time, I promise. That will keep me on the straight and narrow. He said he’d feed a wife who failed him to an alligator, that is terrifying, I must remember it. Thank you again!!!

          1. Whitney says:

            Of course A Victor. It sounds like you’re doing incredibly well 😀 Now onto people who match your value!

          2. A Victor says:

            Whitney, do people who come through here, or have other experiences with narcissists, really move on? To other relationships, that are healthy? I don’t see much about that, except for Bubbles:). It seems like an impossibility at this moment but it does give hope if it happens.

          3. Whitney says:

            A Victor
            Have you ever loved and been loved, by a genuine man?

            It is hard to find.

            Hold on until you find a man you can trust.

            Nothing is more beautiful than genuine emotion.
            Narcs have no depth. Boring.

            You can live with a companion who is intelligent, deep, and kind.

            You can move on from scum.

            Falling in love is a wonderful feeling. Find someone safe, and fall in love 💖

            The man you described, is scum.
            You can move on 💖💖💖

          4. A Victor says:

            No, I have not. It sounds wonderful. It sounds easy to find also. It has not happened in my whole life, and I’m not old but I’m no longer young either. But no, scum is scum, that’s not the route to go, for sure. Thank you for the chat.

      4. Sweetest Perfection says:

        A Victor, no woman deserves to be called names and you do not have to put up with anyone that says that to you. He may have a new liver but he doesn’t have a heart. Get a new phone number, I was hesitant to do that for years and kept receiving anonymous calls and messages all the time. NOT ANYMORE. I feel so liberated!!!! Floss that turd away! You are so much smarter, the evidence is that you are here looking for information and he’s there asking for pity while insulting you at the same time. This blog has kept me away from my narc. Anytime you feel weak, talk to us! You’re stronger than you think! You’re a victor!

        1. A Victor says:

          Sweet Perfection, thank you for your encouraging and supportive words. I think more than pity he was looking to start things up again, even more scary. Regarding feeling weak, is it okay if I just have a running dialog here?? Lol, only joking but some days I feel like that’s what I need! In all seriousness, I think now there will be a NDC on this person and likely also a conversation with HG about him. I was hoping to avoid both of those, given the short duration of the relationship and as such I would’ve focused on my mother more and the ongoing situation with her. But, maybe especially considering her given the cross pollution effect, maybe it’s important.

          About the phone, I keep thinking, maybe he’ll just stop if I don’t respond… Then I won’t have to change it… Ugh. I will take your words into consideration.

          Thank you again!

          1. Sweetest Perfection says:

            You can have as many dialogs as you want, AV, provided HG doesn’t mind. That’s what we are here for. One think I’ll let you know, from my own experience: the calls won’t stop. I haven’t had absolutely any contact with my narc in two years and a half. He hasn’t even seen my face on social media because I deleted my account. The only thing I have is an IG under my blog name in which I do not have anyone I know from my real life. When I escaped, the phone activity went insane. I received around 25 anonymous calls and messages every day. He left empty voice messages at work too. He went insane posting things on Facebook that my friends told me. All that calmed down… only to start again every now and then. It doesn’t matter if you don’t respond. He just needs to know you didn’t change your number, therefore in his sick mind, you still want him to have access to you. Changing your phone takes 10 min and a little extra fee from your telephone company. Just notify your bank, work, doctor, and those friends WHO DO NOT TALK TO THE NARC. And… voilà! Freedom.

          2. Sweetest Perfection says:

            And yes, if possible please take a NDC. When I did mine I didn’t even expect to hear HG’s preliminary confirmation of whether the suspect is a narc or not. I already knew he was. But knowing his school and cadre has allowed me to know what to expect, and how to protect myself, not to mention the delightful moments of comic relief provided by HG on behalf of the stupidity of ULAs.

          3. A Victor says:

            Thank you! I will do the NDC and call my phone company about changing my number. I am also getting rid of FB, I hate it anyway and only have it for business, and my IG is private and I don’t accept followers I don’t know. He claimed not to even know about IG also, though who knows.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Good, those are logical steps.

    3. Eternity says:

      Its a good thing you drove off ! You did the right thing . They are self entitled that’s why he touched your property. Stalker just creeped me out .

      1. Asp Emp says:

        Yeah and pity I drive very well & he didn’t even move back enough but I can manoeuvre a car better then he can – he wrote off a rare Evo summat beemer……

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