The Narcissist’s Understanding and Use of Tears – Part Two
Having ascertained that the commission of tears arising from physical and/or emotional hurt resulted in a sympathetic reaction from certain people, I committed this to memory. I have rarely encountered much physical pain as a consequence of capability and nullifying threats before they impact on me, enjoying good health and one of my professions being one where one is at most at risk of a paper cut rather than an errant chainsaw, collapsing ceiling or chemical ingestion. The early conditioning that I have been subjected to, as I know understand, appears to have resulted in me being impervious to many emotional injuries that others suffer from. Even the horrendous sensations which arise from my wounding as a consequence of criticism does not cause the tears to fall. Instead, I must focus on repairing the wound through retreat or the instigation of fury in order to gather fuel. The attention this requires means that I do not suffer the immediate reaction of becoming upset. I must feign upset in order to attract the required sympathy and in doing so I use that issued sympathy in order to bring about the control I require over the subject.
My tuition in the art and use of crying later embraced a different catalyst and one which has served to drive me ever onwards and upwards. I have many gifts and of those the one that was cherished most by my father was my academic ability. As I have mentioned beforehand, he was a very intelligent man, well-read and with an interest in the world at large, something which be bestowed on all his offspring. This served him well in both his careers of commerce and then academia. His was the steady hand at the tiller of our academic progress and he sought to steer a path through the choppy waters of my mother’s ambitions for us, our own desires and what he felt would serve us best. The three, as might you expect, were not always compatible.
I excelled at school which naturally resulted in my progression to sixth form college and I was always destined for university. Naturally it was to the most prestigious that I was directed towards and I achieved admission whereupon in such a fertile environment I began to flex my tendrils as I embraced my dark art, but that is a tale for another time. Alongside this I flourished at my chosen discipline and eventually I graduated with a double first. It was this achievement which Dr E honed in on in one of our discussions.
“So a double first, quite the achievement,” he remarked. I nodded. He was not wrong.
“What did your parents think about it?” he asked.
“My friends once they had their results went racing away to telephone their parents to let them know the outcome. I didn’t.”
“It had already been arranged that I was meeting my parents for dinner that evening and I would tell them my degree result once we ordered.”
“What did you think of that arrangement? Weren’t you keen to tell your parents sooner of your success?”
“I suppose so but I knew there was little point. Even if I had tried to telephone them, nobody would have answered. My mother would have deliberately absented the house so I could not reach them so as to avoid spoiling the anticipation at dinner.”
“So this arrangement was at your mother’s behest?”
“Of course. Who else? If I achieved the expected outcome the evening would pass pleasantly, if I did not, I would be subjected to a lengthy cross-examination unable to avoid it by putting the telephone down.”
“I see. It was fortuitous then that you achieved such an excellent result.”
“Fortune had nothing to do with it. This dinner was placed in the diary as soon as my mother knew when the examination results would be posted. It was a further incentive for me to achieve what was expected of me.”
Dr E nodded and made a note.
“How did the meal progress then? How did they react to news of your achievement?”
“Once our orders had been placed and the waiter walked away, my mother turned to me and asked ‘Well?’ I responded with, ‘I obtained a double first’ and she answered by saying, ‘As expected. I will make the call,’ and she left the table to telephone the other family members to let them know, probably her brother first of all out of them all.”
“No mention of well done or congratulations?” asked Dr E.
I shook my head.
“And your father?” he asked.
“My father waited until my mother was out of earshot and he reached across and placed his hand on my arm and said, “Well done HG, very well done, that is a fantastic outcome. I know just how hard you have had to work for that result. It is a magnificent result, truly outstanding. I am so very proud of you son, very proud indeed,” and then as he said the word proud his voice cracked and I looked up into his eyes and I could see that he was crying. I had never seen my father cry before. Ever. I had seen him concerned, downcast, worried and so much more, but never the tears. His face was fixed with a huge smile and he tried to speak again but he was overcome with pride. Pride for me. Just me. I had not seen anything like it.”
“How did you feel about him showing such pride for you?”
“I was taken aback but then I felt this surge through me and it felt amazing. It was visceral and ever so powerful as I continued to look at him, the tears filling his eyes and he kept nodding. His hand patted my arm, I can still picture it now. He wasn’t able to speak but the look on his face and that nodding told me that somehow he felt that the job was done, the mission had been accomplished and he was proud of me for doing so. I have never forgotten that moment.”
“Why?” asked Dr E.
“Because the way I felt when I saw my father cry tears of pride at my achievement made me want to see that again. The sense of power that he imbued in me, his praise, his pride, his adoration of my achievement was so edifying that he made me strive even harder. Oh, my mother thinks she is the driving force behind my success and it would be wrong to say she has not been. She has been a huge influence but from that point onwards, my postgraduate achievement, my securing employment and advancement through the hierarchy to where I am now and also in terms of what the future may bring has been driven by my father. I wanted to feel that power again and for that to happen I wanted to see those tears of pride again. So I worked damn hard. I never knew that pride would make someone cry. I never knew that someone’s proud tears would make me feel so powerful.”
“I see. Did you see those tears of pride again from your father?”
I felt the first flicker of the ignition of my fury at this question.
“No. Once again something special to me was taken from me.”
3 thoughts on “The Narcissist’s Understanding and Use of Tears – Part Two”
“The early conditioning that I have been subjected to, as I now understand, appears to have resulted in me being impervious to many emotional injuries that others suffer from. Even the horrendous sensations which arise from my wounding as a consequence of criticism does not cause the tears to fall. Instead, I must focus on repairing the wound through retreat or the instigation of fury in order to gather fuel.”
Seeing these words as above reminded me of a comment that I posted and it did not pass moderation in the article ‘Nothing’s Impossible’, now, I understand why.
Goes to show….. my words in Part 1 “not to be allowed the freedom to be a child in the way nature intended and stunting the child’s natural development as a human”- apt.
The last three sentences of this – Part 2 – I read and understand it perfectly.
I still have my emotions! I cried reading this article (not for myself, or my past)…..
I read somewhere some time ago – not on KTN – that, apparently, empaths can be ‘experts in psychology’ – maybe so, only IF AND WHEN they understand narcissism…..
HG, Thank you for sharing this article. Parents should always be proud of their children accomplishments not matter what. There should never be high expectations. The point is when you try your best that is what counts the most. In this case you exceeded your mom’s expectations and she should at least say that she was proud of you right then and there,,not walk away to make a phone call.
Dear mr Tudor, do I understand it right, and were you (maybe always, but speaking of that moment) solely an appliance to her, to gather fuel from family members?
Did she use your achievements as her accomplishments and extracted the admirations and maybe jealousy from the extended family?
I can imagine if she had a NPD that giving you any attention would not suit her own need to get fuel.
And it must be impossible to feel actually proud of a child if you can not be really happy for someone, it is so much about wanting the other to succeed at being happy. And sharing that moment of ones pride of themselves.
The one I am escaping from now is the same, everything the kids achieve is taken for granted, never really proud, only when doing stuff that is exactly the same as he likes it, and did as a child. And he is always talking about everyone having to deserve his attention. Attention is applied instrumental, when wanted results are achieved. Not the kind words, never, just the time ‘ being in his present’ , or even a phone call.
Thank you for this explanation.