The Narcissist´s Three Assertions of Control
If you are serious about understanding narcissism, it is essential you read this material as it is central to the narcissistic dynamic.
You will threaten the control of the narcissist and you will do so on a repeated basis.
Whatever position you hold in the narcissists fuel matrix, your actions, inactions and words will threaten the narcissists sense of control over you.
What then will the narcissist do? Naturally, he or she, being a creature of control must maintain or regain control over you. How does the narcissist do this? The narcissist asserts control in one of three ways.
This Logic Bulletin addresses
– What those three methods are
– The most common method of asserting control over you
– Your status as the Primary Protagonist
– What happens when one of the methods of asserting control fails
– Enabling you to understand why the narcissist has responded in a particular way, so that you now recognise that this is actually an alternative method of asserting control over you
– Recognising the absolute necessity of the need for control and your role within that.
This demystifies the narcissists behaviour in a simple manner enabling you to add to your armoury of defences, reduce falling prey to the lure of emotional thinking and avoiding the effects of confusion and bewilderment.
7 thoughts on “The Narcissist´s Three Assertions of Control”
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I listened to this the other day and found it fascinating, thank you!
HG, one thought I had, it’s interesting that the narcissism perceives this sequence of events to be successful in achieving control. Surely whether control has been achieved through these assertions is all a matter of one’s perspective? What if all 3 assertions were called upon by the narcissism, but control still wasn’t obtained (or at least wasn’t perceived to be)? Would this trigger disengagement or cause the narcissist to suffer some kind of breakdown, etc?
Of course it is a matter of perspective, these assertions of control are from the narcissist´s perspective. We always obtain control. Think about it – what is disengagement? A form of the assertion of control. So whatever happens we gain control (from our perspective) through one of these three methods, that is why it is so important for people to understand them.
Ok, that makes sense, thanks. I never thought about it that way before, the fact that the narcissist disengages is him taking control. It would seem then that I was always headed for a fairly swift disengagement, as having used this info to analyse many events which have happened, it appears I posed a permanent threat to control. Which I guess is why I permanently lock horns with my dad, too. Fascinating.
I was inclined to be challenging in my relationship/s, too, JB and you’ve probably put it perfectly there when you say you posed a permanent threat to control. In that sense it upped the ante for me with silent treatments and threats of disengagement from the last narc. No doubt there was fuel to be obtained on his part due to the nature of the manipulations used to bring me back under control and my response to them. That’s probably the other side to this coin. If the narcissist you were entangled with couldn’t bring you under control, and wasn’t getting any fuel filled responses from you, then it sounds like his withdrawal was the final assertion. Don’t forget about hoovers! xox
LET,
Yes I think that’s exactly what happened. I used to often get threats of disengagement too. Wasn’t allowed to have a difference of opinion on anything without a threat of disengagement following. It’s like being back at school, isn’t it? It’s basically saying ‘Do what I want or I won’t be your friend anymore!’ Bizarre thing is, at school I wouldn’t have given in to that, I would have just called their bluff and said suit yourself then. Shame I forgot how to do that as an adult, but I guess I must have already become addicted at that point.
Hoovers – shouldn’t be an issue as have been no contact for a good few months now! 🙂 xx
Yes, the addiction coupled with ET will get you every time, JB.
I swear it’s just like hypnosis sometimes. We come under the narcs spell and forget everything we learned or thought we knew. It goes out the window once the narc appears.
I like the comparison with back to school and I compared mine to being like a toddler. I even described him once as taking his toys out of the sandpit and going home. He was such a baby. But just like a baby, I cooed to him and made it all better.
Good to know your no contact is holding up. Keep up the good work x
LET, thank you x The longer I keep at it, the easier it is becoming, although has been a bit of an up and down process at times x