This is NOT No Contact No. 3 – Checking Social Media



The temptation to check the narcissists social media is strong, often irresistible. After all, you need to know what he is doing, who is he with after he disengaged from you, is he writing about you? Does that cryptic post have something to do with you or is it aimed at someone new?

He said he was not in town this weekend, so how come he has checked in at the bar in the city centre? Why is he posting memes about loyalty? Has he fallen out with the new Intimate Partner Primary Source? Are those comments about never trusting part of a smear campaign against you? Why are the pictures of him and you still up when he is no longer seeing you? Why have the pictures of you and him been removed so quickly at the end, does he not care at all?

Where is she? Who is she with? What is she doing? What does this mean? Why has he gone there? Who is that person in the picture? Why did he not take me there? Why is she with him? Why has he chosen her?

Questions. Questions. Questions.

And you went snooping on the social media to get answers. You may get some, but more usually you will only generate more questions. Even if you gain some answers, they will lead you to want to learn more, you think you are playing detective, piecing it together, but all you are continuing to do is engage with the narcissist by doing something in relation to the narcissist (viewing his or her social media), then talking about what you find with other people (often at length) and/or ruminating over it.

Always the questions? Always the pondering?

Think you have gained some knowledge? Maybe, but your emotional thinking will make you think you are making progress and keep you hunting. If you do not turn something up at first, your emotional thinking will keep you hunting again, convincing you that everyone has something on social media and therefore the answers will come in due course.

But this is not breaching no contact is it? After all, it is not as if you are spending time with the narcissist or talking to him. There is no direct contact and how can he even know that you are looking at his Facebook posts, watching his Twitter feed, spying on his Instagram activity?

Firstly, the narcissist expects you to be doing this, such is the entitlement and grandiosity. Thus, Thought Fuel will be generated, for a short time at least.

Secondly, by engaging in this you are of course inviting being impaled on The Devil´s Pitchfork. You may not be providing any fuel, but you will be suffering an adverse consequence because you will become confused, irritated, hurt, angry and so forth and thus you are losing. You are also increasing your emotional thinking and thus remaining on The Narcissist´s Wheel of Misery. You will not reduce your emotional thinking by engaging in this activity and furthermore, by keeping it high, you will keep engaging further, hunting, sifting, analysing and spying. With the continued consequence as you go round and round and round.

You do not need to know what the narcissist is saying, doing, seeing or boasting about.

Your emotional thinking corrupts your empathic trait of truth seeking to make you think this is a necessary and logical step.

It is not.

You are breaching the first golden rule of freedom.

You must halt this activity and the the most effective way is to remove yourself from social media (for a time at least) and ensure you do not look at the narcissist on social media in any shape or form.

Get Out.

Stay Out.

28 thoughts on “This is NOT No Contact No. 3 – Checking Social Media

  1. December Infinity says:

    I blocked (and unfriended) the last narc’s multiple FB accounts plus messenger accounts. I never looked at his social media at any point even when he was around as whatever he was up to didn’t interest me (plus it made me cringe). I have stopped going on FB for the past several months. However via my own email, I noticed that I had received friend requests from strange looking names of people I don’t know. I declined those requests.

  2. Empath007 says:

    I have done this the whole time. Mostly through a separate account I have (which I have for other purposes and had long before him) anyways to make a very long story short … I have often wanted to reach out to other victims. He’s got a lot of narcissits in the mix (a thing he does on purpose – he knows he can utilize them). And the empaths in the mix are likely clueless of his ways. Ultimately I’ve decided I wouldn’t be able to successfully have good conversations with these women. But I’d love to have actual evidence and bring him down at work …

  3. A Victor says:

    The narc from last summer wasn’t on social media, or so he claimed, except with a FB profile which he didn’t use and the dating site we’d met on. I found it odd but he is a bit older so I thought it could be true. My daughter then told me her ex boyfriends make fake accounts to try to see her stuff. Also, she has one that purchased a gadget that allows him to change his phone number so he can call her from different ones in the hope she’ll answer. I didn’t even know something like that existed. So who knows.

    1. JB says:

      AV, blimey, I had no idea either! And fake account – never crossed my mind either! But even using a fake account, they wouldn’t be able to see more than your profile pic on Fb if you have your settings as private as possible, so couldn’t really do much harm (I think).

      1. A Victor says:

        It’s also a mindset on my part. I don’t like the idea that he may be trying to look, it feels creepy. And, I don’t want the easy option of looking at him or people associated with him if I feel the temptation. I have IG for a friend overseas, if it weren’t for her that would be gone too. This site would then be my only SM interaction and, as someone said, it can be time consuming but right now I’m allowing for that luxury on purpose, to learn and hopefully get stronger and wiser.

        I did recently change my IG profile picture to my face, as HG said anything else causes narcissists to notice you. It has backfired, I think, as now I get fake (according to my daughter) profile requests to follow, I never used to, and I wonder if they’re from the narc I know. I’m changing it back.

  4. JB says:

    On Fb, if you block the narcissist you won’t be able to check up on them anyway, so I guess this means some people don’t tend to block after disengagement/escape. If you block the narcissist, you wouldn’t need to come off of social media at all, surely?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes, although coming off social media also removes the ability of the narcissist to hoover you through social media so it serves two purposes, JB.

      1. JB says:

        HG, but how can they hoover you through social media if you have blocked them?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          False profile.

          1. JB says:

            HG, good point. Don’t think he will bother with that though. Think he’s too lazy to bother with that, he’ll just turn his attention elsewhere.

        2. Sweetest Perfection says:

          Haha JB! Let me count the ways… fake account/ knowledge of your life by proxy/ messenger “hi!” pretending to drop by / automatic location updates that alert where you have been or will be / common groups of events …. social media is a tell-tale!! I deactivated my Facebook account. Didn’t need to even block him. Block him on messenger though, that’s still active, on emails too, and change phone number. You don’t need social media to connect with friends. I’ve been without it for over two years and I am so much happier now. If you exist on social media, he’ll eventually find you.

          1. JB says:

            SP, got most of those things covered, and never reveal my location or have anything location related switched on. Got new phone number, blocked on SM, doesn’t know my email address. I don’t think he will bother with the whole fake profile thing to be honest. Think he’s a bit lazy and will just turn his attention elsewhere!

          2. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Good job! You never know, JB. Mine was so desperate that he even stalked my LinkedIn account which is the most boring thing on the planet. And remember, they are lazy and prefer a closer appliance… until they get bored and one day the shape of your face appears on their toasts and they remember you again! (I’m borrowing one of HG’s examples of hoover triggers that made me laugh very hard).

          3. A Victor says:

            I have a certain amount of concern about my daughter’s account also. I’ve asked her not to put photos of me on her SM or talk about me. But I can’t ask her not to post other personal family things, like my dad passing, and she accepts anyone’s friend requests. Her ex boyfriends like her stuff and try to interact sometimes, she laughs it off and ignores them. I feel like it may be the way her generation will deal with this since it seems the prevalence of narcissism is increasing.

    2. alexissmith2016 says:

      JB, came off SM altogether. It’s been several years now. It’s much nicer to catch up with friends in person and hear about what they’ve been up to rather than scrolling endlessly about people portraying a fake existence. I include non-Ns in that too, largely because the feel the pressure from the Ns to show their lives as perfect.

      1. HG Tudor says:


      2. JB says:

        Alexissmith2016, I keep toying with the idea, for the reasons you mention. Plus endless crap and memes to scroll through, which drive me nuts! Just is handy for keeping in contact with overseas friends and relatives. It’s a bit addictive too, if I am honest!

        1. alexissmith2016 says:

          You’re right it is a bit addictive but could you not keep in touch with them through WhatsApp? Does it really need SM. I recall scrolling up ans down looking at pointless shit, and an hour would go by ans I wondered what the hell id ache river in doing that. It just numbs your brain. I used excuses but in the end there are no excuses. I do not feel I miss out on anything at all. If there are any announcements about an event coming up or something there is always a friend who will tell me. I deactivated first set myself a target of one week, then one month, then six months and simply deleted it. I felt no need to peek in after the first couple of weeks.

          1. JB says:

            Alexissmith2016, true. Think I have been on SM so long it feels odd to imagine not being on there! Think I might gradually wean myself off..

          2. alexissmith2016 says:

            It’s honestly so nice and peaceful. I truly can’t recommend it highly enough but you need to do what works best for you JB

          3. lickemtomorrow says:

            JB, watch The Social Dilemma (on Netflix). That might give you the shot you need to consider getting off SM. Many of the tech giants won’t allow their own children access, or only very limited access, which tells a story all of its own. Surprisingly, there is an ‘ethics’ element to the business which a light is being shone upon.

            One of the main protagonists for putting forward this idea reminds me of Tom Cruise in the movie “Jerry Maguire”. He literally sent out an email, much like Jerry Maguire sent out his Mission Statement, to raise awareness and challenge current thinking. Interestingly, other voices have been added to his. It’s very insightful. And the guy’s got balls.

      3. NarcAngel says:

        I agree. I am only here and Instagram for HG. That’s it. If I want fiction I have books and television that showcase better content and of my choosing instead of endless drivel. Quit social media and really live your life instead of consuming the fictional portrayal of the lives of others.

        1. alexissmith2016 says:

          It’s so true NA, so completely true. It just serves to make people feel inadequate or that they need to compete with others. If it was simply your own close circle of friends and you could just share things with each other ans there was no toxicity it would be lovely, but then you can get that from group chats in WhatsApp.

      4. Empath007 says:

        Huh. Your last sentence is an extremely good point. I’m so addicted to social media I’ve never successfully left for good.

        1. JB says:

          Empath007, think it will take me a while to get unaddicted!

          1. Empath007 says:

            I think most people do whether they can admit it to themselves or not. It’s designed to be highly addictive and it works. I do however see a lot of value in getting rid of it. We all know way too much about each other these days… and in particular for victims it makes it more difficult to move forward when information is available at our finger tips.

  5. Asp Emp says:

    HG, I’ve been good. Not even asked any friends – nobody about MRN or anyone else for that matter….

    So I go onto the ‘good’ list – for tonight anyway 😉

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Well done.

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