6 Smears About the Ex
The ex-partner. The Former Intimate Partner Primary Source. There will always be one when you engage with our kind because we accumulate them in the same way that people buy clothes, easily, frequently and prone to being in or out of fashion. We will readily forget about an ex as if they had never existed or resurrect them in order to prove what we had to endure before you came along or to remind you that you have fallen from grace and we should have stayed with your predecessor. The ex-partner is a staple ingredient in any of the triangulations which we deploy with you. You never know the truth about our ex partners from what we say. You may speak to themselves at some point and learn the truth, possibly even allying with one another but we will busy with the new person, focusing on the replacement, happy to forget the exes or pedal more lies about them. Here are six of our favourite and typically contradictory lies about our exes.
- I was abused by them
Straight out of the gates and tearing along Sympathy Highway is the frequent refrain of how badly we have been treated by your predecessor. She or he was a monster, horrible and heartless. I treated him or her so well, like a prince or princess, giving that person so much love and attention and all they ever did was throw it back in my face. I gave them my all and I got nothing back but abuse. Violence, sexual humiliation, financial ruin, name-calling, silent treatments, you name it, I was subjected to it. My massive dose of projection is aimed at smearing the predecessor should they ever come near to you and attempt to convince you that I was actually the abuser. I also want you to feel sorry for me and with that delicious empathic nature of yours want to protect me from the beast, that harpy, that vicious ex who harmed such a precious and wonderful person such as me.
- I was trapped by them
She or he knew they were on to a good thing when they met me. I am a good person, always looking to help people, think the best of them and do the right thing. I have always been regarded as a catch of course and I know you will agree with me as I tell you that someone like me, beautiful, intelligent, well-read, urbane, successful, well-paid, entertaining and magnetic is quite the trophy. I can see you nodding in agreement. I don’t ask for much because I am giving and tolerant and I think they knew that about me because he or she took advantage of my better nature and trapped me as soon as they could. They made me move in with them/they moved in with me. They made me buy a house with them. They proposed to me within two weeks of meeting. I became pregnant/she fell pregnant within moments. I didn’t mind because I am such a firm believer in love but now when I look back I realise that I was take for a ride. They wanted to trap me and they did this by co-habiting/marrying/having a child so soon after meeting. I am not one to shirk my responsibilities and I stood by them notwithstanding how horrible they were to me once they knew I could not leave. Don’t misunderstand me, there is nothing wrong with moving in so soon or becoming engaged within weeks or conceiving in a matter of a month of two of meeting, but it has to be with the right person hasn’t it?
A massive reversal of roles as I tell you the truth of what has happened with the ex but reverse the roles and then use it to lay the ground for doing the same to you, with your blessing.
- They are crazy
I have to warn you about my crazy ex. She is obsessed with me. She won’t leave me alone. She checks my social media profile, I know, because my friends tell me and she uses fake profiles to leave me messages and comments. I would close my profiles down but why should I because that would be letting her win wouldn’t it? I She hangs around outside where I work and follows me to my house. She will probably try and speak to you and no doubt tell you lots of lies about me. Don’t believe a word of what she says. She just cannot get over the fact that I finished with her and she cannot let go. She has to know what I am doing because her life is so empty. She lives through me you see, but don’t worry, I know what she is up to and I will deal with her at the suitable time. You have no need to be afraid as I will look after you, but I felt it only right to warn you because she will obviously try and split us up, not that that is going to happen is it? Good, I am glad you nodded and smiled. She is totally off the scale.
More projection and smearing of the ex in order to keep the truth of my behaviour from you, paint them as the Crazy One and bind you closer to me as I appear to be the heroic defender.
- Better than you
I don’t know why I got with you. You treat me far worse than my ex. I should have stayed with him or her and never bothered with you. You just annoy me all the time. Not like her or him. He or she was wonderful, interesting and thoughtful and he or she loved me more than you could ever do. I don’t know why I let you lead me away from them, I must have been put under some kind of spell. Is that what you did? Did you charm me away from them in order to make us both unhappy? What a horrible person you are. She or he is a better cook/worker/entertainer/person/lover/parent/host than you. I must have taken leave of my senses when I chose you over them. You should look at them and learn from them and perhaps, just perhaps you might make amends for what you have done and make me happy again. I should go back to them, but why should I give you the satisfaction of hurting me again. I am going to make you work hard and give you a chance, because that is the type of person that I am, to make amends for the horrible thing you have done. You have a chance to make it up to me and to try harder. What are you waiting for?
- I still love her
I still love her. I do. Sometimes you meet somebody who has that effect and you have made me realise that I still love her, more than I love you. I know that may sound harsh but if you can take one thing away from you and I and that is that you have helped me realise what I truly feel and what I need. You will always have my thanks for that. I know this may hurt you but you should take solace from the fact that you have done something good and made me realise what is worth fighting for. I must go and win her back and tell her that I love her. I am sure you can find happiness for yourself somewhere but it is not with me. I know you love me, I am easy to fall in love with, but I want someone else more than I want you and you should know by now, I don’t accept second best. So, I am going to go now and be with the one I truly love.
Of course I don’t love anybody at all, but if this artifice brings fuel from you and from her, then I will say whatever is needed won’t I?
- She still loves me
What can I say? She loves me still and I suppose you shall just have to get used to that being the case. You should understand because I know how much you love me and she is the same. I guess we will just have to live with the fact that she will keep reaching out to me, wanting me and trying to come between us, but I know I can count on you to stop that happening can’t I? No, there is no need to approach her, I think it would only be upsetting, for both of you. I know, I cannot help but care about you both, for you are both special to me, but leave her be, let me handle it. The best thing that you can do is love me more than she does, adore me more than she does and do everything in your power to keep me here. It shouldn’t be hard should it, given I love you so much.
She actually hates me and never wants to see me again but there is nothing wrong with incentivising you to submit to my control and give me more fuel is there?
13 thoughts on “6 Smears About the Ex”
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HG, I have done everything to ignore him and go no contact. He has done everything he can to go against that. He is with New Supply and when I have said what he has done to other people, he denies it and says he doesn’t know anything about it. He tries to gaslight by saying that it was his friend not him and that I was quite wrong saying it was him. Obviously I know him so I know it wasn’t his friend. I know to stay no contact. HG, any other advice. Thank you HG.
You are not in no contact because you are at the very least communicating about him with other people. If you want assistance with regard to your no contact regime overall, then this is a matter for consultation.
Ahh. I did not realise that the communication also referred to not saying anything to other people. I will not do that from now on in that case. Thank you HG. I will see how this goes, but judging from the way he keeps coming at me from every angle, even when I have done nothing towards him and he then denies it, I think I might be having a consult with you HG. Thank you for your advice HG.
You will find a consultation useful DB and I can then aid you in ensuring you have a Total NCR.
The N I knew was more cunning than that. Initially made a big thing about how things were amicable between him and his ex, despite her having cheated on him. I thought it was lovely to see a grown-up, civilised end to a relationship, especially in these circumstances. He would tell me bits about arguments they had had, never in detail though, and if I tried to ask about what had happened he wouldn’t like it. I know there are always two sides to every story, so although I was caring, I would still try to help him resolve the issues, or ask how things had been left, and keep neutral, as I bore no ill feelings towards his ex. This used to anger him. Upon reflection he just wanted me to say ‘there, there’, he had no interest in actually resolving the issues he had spoken about, and I actually think he wanted me to slag her off.
Anyway, turns out she never cheated at all, so I guess my point is that they don’t always do an obvious smear. He went for the pity play approach instead – ‘woe is me, she cheated but aren’t I great, because I am a saint who bears her no malice despite her doing this.’ Quite a clever approach really, as had he said she was mad and slagged her off left, right and centre I would probably have steered clear. The idea that he was the (alleged) wronged party, but bore no ill feeling towards her and was civil, impressed me, made me think he had certain character traits which I liked; forgiveness, knowing life isn’t all black and white, being able to argue like a grown-up and resolve things.. The perfect partner! Of course, he had none of those traits at all.
Interesting, JB, and mine was similar in some ways. He put on the mature, good guy front for the most part which makes the smearing very subtle in a way. She ‘changed’ (nothing to do with him), he wanted children, but she was afraid of getting fat (something to do with her image, nothing to do with him), and so on. Poor guy … he had no control over her or the fact that she changed and she denied him children even after discussing names with him. The smearing became a little worse over time, but he was never at fault (which we know now is the narcissist’s game or the reality in their own heads) and pity plays were the order of the day. All these things raised eyebrows with me, drew pity from me and had me thinking he was the one hard done by. One thing that really raised my eyebrows when discussing his divorce that his ex-wife suffered terribly from menstrual cramps. She had to take to her bed they were so bad, so when they were getting their divorce he took pity on her during those times and more or less gave her some leeway during the proceedings as she dealt with it. The fact he told me she’d had an affair while they were married and that was part of the reason for the divorce had me struggling to believe that (I’m guessing he had the affair). Also the fact he’d mentioned how the friends had sided during the break up. None of those things added up to sympathy, and here he was giving her time out during the divorce to make allowances for period pains! Not to mention with both of them having good jobs one of things they were apparently fighting over in court was a TV. That smacks to me of pettiness, so the answer to who was the narcissist would come down to who was the first to let go? I’d be telling him ‘you can have the TV so long as I never have to see you again’. Another time he told me her washing machine had broken down after they separated so he allowed her to come over to his to use his machine. Another oddity. I asked him if she’d ever heard of a laundromat! He was being the good guy again. Said he never interacted with her while she was there. Sure. It was likely a hoover attempt by him and the broken down machine was a perfect segway. She would have been better off using the laundromat. But that one had me believing she was the narc. Somehow trying to hoover him.
He was the typical midranger and I bought it all hook, line and sinker. She was the bad guy. Not him.
LET, ‘I bought it all hook, line and sinker’ – isn’t it scary how easily that happened? I just didn’t question it, yet in my case, the signs were there – I even had a eureka moment very early on, I read a message he had written, where he wrote something that sounded just like something another friend of mine would have written (who has various mental health issues, on reflection I am thinking this person may also be a narcissist) and my stomach dropped and I thought oh no, he sounds just like this other friend. But I pushed it to the back of my mind and forgot about it! Should have listened to my instinct x
We live and learn, JB x
Our instincts are slow on the uptake when our emotions get in the way.
And like I said, I stored many of the things he told me, flagging them until I could some more information. There was something about them that didn’t quite add up. But, being the trusting, and ensnared, person that I was I never tried to dig too deep. My mistake.
I wanted to believe him.
Which is probably where the narcissist got us both.
LET, you are absolutely spot on. Won’t be happening again though! X
Reading this reminded me of the article ‘The Abusive Ex Syndrome’, which I found very interesting and I commented about it being useful to keep in mind when life resumes ‘normality’.
I have also learned not to give too much ‘information’ to new people in the future – it is for my protection. Talking about ‘relationships’ with past narcissists is accepted (and safe) on this site. And shared experiences do help empaths to see the various behaviours / actions of narcissists and why empaths become ‘victims’.
I recall a narcissist smearing their spouse in front of me – basically saying their spouse is ‘useless’ yet making comments about how wonderful their children are. That ‘spouse’ is the victim in the marriage.
I just thought – that should I meet a narcissist in the future (ie at work, or in a social setting) – I would bear both these articles in mind and make my excuses & go and talk to someone else or leave if start ‘smearing their ex’.
Should I be out with a friend, I will consider either coming up with a ‘safe’ word or sign – to indicate ‘red flags’ (and let’s scarper!). I’d also advise my friend to list Empath’s Grenades on their phone (if we can do that HG?).
Asp Emp,
I agree. I do want to add, that if someone does have children with a narcisisst, expect that the narcisisst is ALWAYS going to be digging for dirt on you. In my experience, from what I have seen, and also from my own coparent dealings, you always want to be the one who discloses damaging information, but you want to be two steps ahead already, because they WILL use the information against you. You don’t ever want to be in a situation where the narcisisst goes to authorities and claims you are secretive with damaging information. That is one way that child protective services or the courts do confuse the empathic parent as the narcisisstic one. They will automatically assume that your non-disclosure is telling of sociopathic behavior. They don’t realize that victims of abuse have learned to not disclose. it’s a tricky one, so in other words, if you do have children with a narcisisst, and share legal rights, its not what you share, it’s when you share.
Yes. There are groups these days and some are for young people – but one questions if the ‘damage’ has been done for some of these young people. The authorities have NO IDEA how bad the whole situation is RE: narcissism.
Asp Emp. Correct