The Cold Comfort
It is a well-recognised trait of ours that we do not feel empathy. We know how to show empathy. You and others have exhibited this on many occasions so we understand the facial expression to adopt, the tilt of the head, the appropriate body language such as a hand on the arm or an arm around the shoulders. We have listened most carefully so we understand the phrases to trot out,
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Is there anything I can do to help; it must feel terrible.”
“I understand where you are coming from, believe me and just tell me how I can help you.”
“I know how you feel.”
“I would feel upset too if this had happened to me.”
I have watched people like you in action as they exhibit their empathic nature and I have scoured the internet as well to gather a few choice phrases there also. Put all of this together and our kind is able to exhibit a convincing display of empathy which will fool almost everyone. You will see this false empathy exhibited during seduction when we want to show you how we are a kind, caring and sympathetic person so you will feel drawn to us even more. We know the correct recipients of this false empathy as well, the sick, the elderly, the stray cat, the homeless, the earthquake victim, the child with the distended stomach because he has not eaten for days, the earnest looking villagers crowded around a newly sunk well and so on. Yes, I know all of those who need some empathic reactions and I will provide them in front of you so you are all the more attracted to me. So that I fit in.
It is, of course, all for show. I do not feel it. Not at all. Not one iota, speck or scintilla of empathy. Show me a report of some tragedy and my eyes will glide across the text as I register what has happened. Inside I feel nothing. There is no response. I do not feel sorry for the people involved in the aftermath of the hurricane. I do not imagine what it must be like for them and how they must feel. Certainly I am intelligent enough to know how they must feel but I do not put myself in their shoes. I do not imagine what it must be like for them. There is no pulling at my heart strings, a feeling of upset, despondency or even anger at the injustice they may have suffered. Of course as you seek my response from alerting me to this latest disaster I will form a furrowed brow, shake my head and issue some suitable words to make you think that I care. That is of course if I want your positive reaction whereby you look on approvingly at my supposed compassion. If I no longer seek positive fuel from you then I will use it as an opportunity to provoke you.
“And?” is usually a good starting point for drawing a reaction from an empathic individual to something terrible.
“What do you mean and? These people are homeless and injured. They live on a small island and have no power and no clean water.”
“What do you expect me to do about it? They shouldn’t live there then.”
“What? Do you really mean that?”
“Yes. Their choice. They have to deal with it.”
This will invariably provoke a stunned silence or protestations. You may follow me as I walk away asking me how can I not feel for these people. You may express anger or outrage and naturally this is what I want you to do. The fact is I feel nothing. If I see a charity appeal on television I am unmoved. I have nothing in common with the people who are requesting help. I cannot identify with how they must feel in any way. It is a total disconnection.
The situation is different with those who I interact with and especially those who are an intimate partner when I am devaluing you. If you are ill and wanting some support and those three dreaded words “tender loving care” I do not feel nothing. I feel an overwhelming sense of disgust and revulsion. How have I come to couple with someone so pathetic and weak? Why did I agree to live with someone who is sneezing, coughing and rasping? They are trying to infect me aren’t they? Trying to bring me down to their level. I know what their plan is and I will not be duped. I see no reason why I should waste my time and energy dealing with somebody like this. It is a drain on my resources and there is little or no fuel to be had. Moreover, the sense of disgust drives me to get away from you. I cannot stand to see such weakness, such illness and such infirmity. I must escape it and thus I will disappear, sometimes with an excuse and often without in order to avoid this horrific scene.
When you are upset, perhaps over a bad day at work or an argument with a friend and you tearfully explain what is troubling you, expect to be met with a shrug. What do you expect me to do about it? It is your problem, not mine. Sort it out yourself. If you persist pleading with me to listen and to help you then I become irritated at your commandeering my time in this manner. Do you not realise I have much to do myself? I cannot forgo my own machinations and fuel gathering to play agony aunt to your whinging and whining.
Your pathetic concerns annoy me and you will can expect me to berate you in order to further your misery so I at least draw some negative fuel from your upset. That way the situation is not one which will be completely written off. If your upset is even greater following the loss of your job or a bereavement, we will show no regard for your feelings and indeed exploit your misery during our devaluation. We will take this opportunity when you are vulnerable to extract further fuel. That is what matters to us. We feel the need for fuel.
We do not feel any compassion or warmth towards you and indeed your selfishness in concentrating on yourself when you should be attending to us infuriates us. We will suggest that you never bothered much with that family member when they were alive so why are you now getting upset when they have passed away? You cry about your sacking and we suggest that you deserved it because you were not working hard enough. We will extract that negative fuel from your tears, your hurt, your frustration and your anger and once that has been obtained we will leave you to it.
We have got what we want and there are other things, notably other people we can better spend our time with, rather than remaining with you and being subjected to your self-centred pity. We know you find such an approach heartless and abhorrent but there is no hope for anything else. We do not feel compassion or sympathy. There is no need for us to fake it because we can draw negative fuel, we do not need to make you like us or admire us and provide positive fuel. This is how we have been created. This is the cold comfort that you will always receive from us whenever you have a moment of need, upset or anguish.
Deal with it
14 thoughts on “The Cold Comfort”
I’m really enjoying the Ultra Channel. I listen while I’m tasking, so it works well. There is an added impact to the subject matter when HG explains it as opposed to me reading it myself. Plus the Ultra material is new or extended, so it feels different, a different flavour.
The difference in the comments section between the blog and YouTube though is remarkable. I’ve taken a little wander through the comments of the last few videos and it’s very different to the blog. It looks like people there just don’t want to learn. They want to say what they did, why what they did was the way to go. Sometimes they don’t even listen to the video I’m sure of it.
Some comments are just plain nasty. I’m not defending narcissists but to claim to be empaths in one breath and then talk about narcissists as if they are animals, stupid or subhuman, doesn’t sit well with me at all.
Then you get the comments that are designed to attack HG directly. That pisses me right the way off. The guy is putting out really solid material, accurate, researched, thought out, well presented. Working his ass off, putting real effort in to teach people what they need to know and the no marks sit and snipe. I know that some of these people are narcissists, but all of them can’t be. If you don’t like the channel just jog on. Don’t sit and snipe without adding value.
So anyway, HG when you sit at the white desk when most of us are asleep and you are putting together a new article, or book, or thinking of another way to get us to understand it all, just know that you are actually appreciated. Amongst the no marks there are those of us that really do need your help and we really do appreciate all the hard graft. Ignore the idiots, or, take the shot, as preferred, but just keep going please ok?
Rant over, thanks all for listening xx
Thank you for appreciating my work. Most people do, remember there are far more people who listen and read than comment on either platforms and the lack of comment translates to an absence of aggravating content.
1. There is a notable percentage on YouTube who do not listen properly. They have preconceived ideas and I agree, you can see some comment before they even listen to the video.
2. There are a small number who are narcissists. You can spot them quickly, they either attack me (I do not care) or bang on about how they “kicked narc ass” and provide lengthy examples of how brilliant they are and how they went super nova. Unaware narcissists.
3. The remainder who snipe are small in number and they are actually outnumbered by the people asking legitimate questions and expressing their gratitude. There was of course the usual claim of taking advantage go “venerable”(?) empaths by charging for Child Defender. Of course, this is written by someone who will have been digesting all of the free videos quite readily. Epsilon semi-moron.
Your work will never be equaled, never mind surpassed. The amount you have done up to date – unmeasurable.
I didn’t want to go through the rest of my life – not understanding WHAT I was “carrying” yet I knew there was “something” and to finally know – is such a huge relief. There may still be some “remnants” but so small that it is not an issue to me anymore.
So, a thank you seems so trivial in comparison. Your’e a star x
Thank you Asp Emp.
Was there a specific assistance package that helped you work this out ? Or was it a combination of the articles you read here on the blog?
Indirectly “a specific assistance package”, yes.
It was reading articles as they were posted as soon as I joined up to KTN and what other bloggers commented. The final ‘click’ was the article ‘The Creature – An Introduction’ – then it all made sense to me.
Even though I have learned enough to be able to understand my past (I don’t have to forgive or accept – hence the ‘remnants’) – I am still here……
I think we arrive for one reason but stay for another. Xx
Absolutely TS, absolutely xx
MASSIVE applause to you TS for that – totally agree. Wonderfully put x
You are welcome HG and thank you for sharing your thoughts on what you are seeing in terms of YouTube. Yes, I hadn’t thought of that, there are far more readers than commenters across the various platforms. Many will be drawing immense benefit from your work without necessarily voicing that.
I’m glad you don’t find the negative comments wearing. Also correct, you do receive some lovely comments and considered questions too.
Great to see you continue to be firing on all cylinders. (As if there was ever any doubt!)
It’s always difficult for people to come to terms with the truth. Therefore it elicits very strong reactions. Even intelligent people can have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that there are people out there who are fully incapable of caring about others… it’s still a concept I have not completely grasped.
I can understand people’s anger. Of course it looks/sounds terrible. But it’s a stage people need to go through. I’m a person who got very angry with their narc. The way I acted sometimes felt no better then him, but ultimately it was his behaviour tearing it out of me, because with out him I do not have the same anger.
Hi Empath007 😊
Yes, I can understand that people are angry. I didn’t go through an angry phase but then I came off reasonably lightly comparatively. There are numerous valid reasons for people feeling angry. I’ve seen people angry on here and it feels different. In many ways on YouTube it feels less targeted at the specific narc, the specific relationship/ relationships people were involved in and more a nastiness for nastiness sake. The done thing to whip a narc. It’s that I don’t like.
This could well be the work of the unaware narcs. As HG pointed out, there are also many positive comments and considered questions.
Shocking still but important to let it sink in. I was with the narc one day, out shopping, and a woman was telling me all about her cat who just died, her husband was ill, etc. She just needed someone to talk to. I tried to offer support. No I did not know her. After we left he asked me if that happens to me often. I said yes, often enough. I’m honored she shared with me. I asked him what did you think of the experience standing there? He said it made him so uncomfortable he wanted to chew off his arm to get away. I can’t imagine how much effort went into faking empathy during the golden period. Must have been exhausting for him.
This is so true. The narc from the summer told me all the time how he would tell his ex to “Deal with it” or “It’s not my problem” etc. I always thought it was a warning, he expected me to be quite independent should the relationship progress. Then next thing I’d know he’d be talking to me as if I was a child, talking about how he’d be doing this or that once we were together since I clearly couldn’t. It was so confusing.
The image – how apt.
“This is the cold comfort that you will always receive from us whenever you have a moment of need”