We do not do the clean break. We never allow closure. There is no neat conclusion when you have been entangled with our kind. You are not allowed the precise and final cut of the surgeon’s scalpel but instead you must be content with the rusty saw that has sought to effect an amputation but instead has merely created a grisly abomination whereby there remains tendrils attached and ragged and torn flesh. No matter how hot the water which flows in your shower and the vigour with which you scrub your reddened flesh, no matter how much detergent you apply and no matter whether you use scrubbing brush or wire wool you cannot remove that residue. We linger. We remain. We percolate and infiltrate.
This, like much of what we do, is a calculated act by the narcissism (usually of which the narcissist is unaware) to maintain a connection between you and us. We can never let go so we see no reason why you should be allowed to either. The residue which we create and which you cannot remove, takes many forms. It may be the fact that we chose you when we worked together so that each day you have no choice but to see us across the floor space in the same office, in the cafeteria or striding across the car park.
Once upon a time, like every good fairy tale, you smiled and you felt your heart skip a beat as you saw us exit the lift and smile at you. That wonderful smile which was just for you. Now when we exit the lift and our cold, dead eyes alight on you, the smile is no more than a sickly leer which slowly opens up across our face as we know the residue of our impact on your remains deep inside you. You are faced with this each day. It is either that or leave and go somewhere else and even though you know that the latter is probably the most appropriate cause of action, something prevents you from doing so. Is it because you still want to see us? Of course it is. You may very well hate us but you cannot still help yourself as you want to see what we are doing and allow yourself the indulgence of looking at us and remembering.
In a different way the residue may be the fact that we owe you money and you are left to contact us, despite not wishing to do so, because you want, no, because you need that money. After all, we leeched from you so successfully that we have left you in penury and you need this money to be reimbursed.
Part of you would rather write it off and in doing so hope that you can scour us from your memory, but circumstance dictates the necessity of collection. We know this and we shall provide excuse and exhibit delay and prevarication in order to keep you hanging on and in order to keep the connection between us alive still. The money will be paid by the end of the week promise. Sorry but we had to have a new boiler fitted so it will be next month now.
The bonus was not as large as had been promised so it will a further three months as I shall have to pay you be instalments. What money? I do not know owe you anything. We keep you dangling and pull at the connection that remains between you and I. If it is not money, then it will be possessions. We will purposefully leave our belongings in your house and you will repeatedly ask us to collect them. We issue similar excuses to the repayment of the borrowed money.
I am a bit busy at the moment maybe next week. I need to collect it in a car and mine is in the garage at the moment. If the possessions are not ours at your property then we will have ensured that in addition or as an alternative we will have kept items belonging to you with us, causing you to have to keep some form of contact with us in order to recover them. We ensure we select those items which are expensive and of sentimental value so you will not be able to replace them but instead you must keep asking us for the items.
We will string out the return of these items by failing to be in when you call to collect them, turning up to deliver them when you are not in, forgetting to do so and so forth. It all maintains the link between us and increases your upset, annoyance and frustration. We want to keep our residue in your life so that when we choose to make our move we can suck you back in without difficulty.
We will remain in the same circle of friends as you. With our notoriously thick skin we will still turn up to meals and drinks knowing that you will be there. You will feel uncomfortable and resent our intrusion. Third parties will try to keep the peace and of course we will maintain our façade in order to show that we are a good person and we are just trying to be civil following the ending of the relationship. You may react to this and it enables us to point out that you are unhinged, unpleasant and always have to bear a grudge. Is it any wonder that we left?
Whilst we create the ever presence so that you see us everywhere you go, in sounds, in sights and sounds, we also like to leave our mark on you, smearing you with the residue of the relationship so that you feel tainted for the rest of your life, marked with the repeated reminder that you have been embroiled in a relationship with us and moreover to let you know in the clearest terms that you will never be free of us. We can never be washed away.
5 thoughts on “Residue”
The money the narc owes me from the last several years won’t be repaid. I contacted lawyers about the situation. I decided to cut my losses instead of paying out more money to go after him. There would be no guarantee I would get much of it back because he is a low-life. He relocated a few hours away. He will keep doing the same thing to everyone he meets. It is utterly pathetic that a man has to use women to support him in every way possible. I think I will stay single for a long time.
December Infinity, it was over 10 years ago that my ex walked out the same month I told him my money, from an inheritance, was all gone. In that time, my life has been so much simpler, in a good way, and I’ve been able to recoup some of the loss on my own, working and whatnot. I am sad that you had a similar experience and that it is so fresh for you, I can remember how devastated I was at the financial loss and also the hurt and anger that he would do that and then walk away. But, I do have a bit of a success story, my finances will never be what they would’ve been but, I will be able to retire someday and live comfortably enough. And I am glad that he is gone, much more peaceful. Best wishes.
A Victor, like you, I am glad that he is gone. It will take time to rebuild finances but I am better off without him. I can enjoy the peace and quiet.
Well, maybe we will be aware of our ensnarement for the rest of our lives but 20 Ways to Delete the Narcissist will help to address some of this, along with HG’s other work, so we can move beyond our ensnarement to embrace our empathic natures and go out and live whole and victorious lives. I am struggling to believe this is possible more than not at the moment but I have to believe it because to not is to stop trying. That isn’t an option. Calling the narc from the summer isn’t an option. But it is so tempting sometimes. I’d have to find his number but it’s out there, online. Or I could email him. Then I read another article that reminds me how he thinks, what the end result would be, what the devaluation is like etc. I have to keep reading and watching, wrapping my head around these truths more and more. Everyday I am so thankful for this site, your work HG, and the people who comment. I also understand the cycling of the articles more now.
“The residue which we create and which you cannot remove, takes many forms” – one of the most difficult “residues” to ‘remove’ is the deep emotional bond / pain that one’s ‘Emotional Thinking’ has ‘manipulated’ into the way an empath thinks they feel.
Thankfully, this “residue” I had as a result of the ‘relationship’ with the MRN has now been ‘designated’ to the sewers, where it belongs.
Also, thankfully, my friends, yes, they met the MRN but he has no “influence” over them in any way, or form.
I also no longer keep in contact with people he continues to work with. There is a couple of people but I can trust them to keep information about me away from MRN & those at work.