Now I Have You
We rely on ensnaring our victims. Whether it is a stranger who we pass each day and smile at, knowing that they will return the smile, whether it is a friend who relies on being associated with us and who enjoys the benefits of being seen with us or whether it is the intimate partner who is installed as our primary source, we need to ensure that our fuelling appliances are attached to us, connected and secured so that we can rely on the fuel being pumped our way. We have our ways of determining whether an appliance has become ours, no matter what source the appliance belongs to.
These “shows” or “tells” are important to us for several reasons:-
We know that the appliance has become attached to us and therefore the fuel will continue to flow;
We are aware that our seduction of the appliance has worked. We seduce everybody that we target. There is the generally accepted definition of seduction that is applicable to the primary source, but our seduction also manifests against those who are secondary sources. When we seduce, we charm, win-over, beguile, attract and so forth and we do this to the friends, the colleagues and family members. Our seduction of a stranger may be as straight forward as smiling at them so they return the gesture, but it is a seduction nevertheless. Knowing that the seduction has succeeded is important.
Once we know we have you, then we can adjust our approach appropriately. This may mean maintaining a certain level of behaviour and thus conserving energy, thus we do not expend energy too greatly trying to charm you further when we have already succeeded. It may mean knowing that since you have been seduced and you are attached, we can turn our attention elsewhere.
We can broadcast the seduction to other people and know that we will not err in doing so. This broadcasting allows us to gain fuel both from those who admire our newly seduced appliance and those who are jealous of our latest conquest. Either way we receive fuel. Accordingly, the relationship bulletins can begin.
It will be the trigger for the discard of the malfunctioning current primary source. Once we know that the prospective replacement has been seduced and attached we can commence the discard.
Not only do we look for these shows and tells in order to confirm to us that the seduction has been achieved, we use them as way markers to confirm to us that we are heading in the correct direction during the seduction and it will not be too long before we have you completely in our grasp. These indicators are important. If we do not see them, we know that we must apply more effort, more charm, more seductive power in order to reel you in. In some instances, if they remain absent we may form the view that the seduction is floundering and we may be better served turning our attentions elsewhere, so we are not denied fuel and we do not use up our energy on a wasted prospect. It is unusual for this to happen, but it can and therefore we need to see these indicators that confirm to us that you are falling under our spell, that you are being seduced and soon you will be attached to us.
In the context of seducing an intimate partner as a primary source these indicators are at their most prevalent and of course, by reason of that person being a prospective primary source, they are the most important ones to look for. Whilst it is material to see certain signs which tell us that we are acquiring a new and loyal inner circle friend, it is the indicators which signal to us that the prospective primary source is heeding our overtures which matter the most.
So, what are these indicators? There are many and the ones detailed below are not an exhaustive list but some of the more common ones. Some of these indicators do happen in ‘normal’ relationships, but they still should be heeded because they demonstrate that you are falling for us, that our charms are working and this will give us the comfort and information that we need to adjust our plans and machinations accordingly.
If you realise that you are doing these things now, then you are telegraphing to somebody that you are submitting to their seduction. If the seduction was once in the past, you may well recognise some of these things as matters which you did or said. Moreover, you will now know that if you wish to lay down a false scent, if you will, and deny us the indicators, these are the things you must avoid in order to encourage us in our seduction of you.
Answering your ‘phone within one ring when we call you.
Answering text messages in less than thirty seconds when we message you.
Answering your ‘phone, whether call or message in the middle of the night.
Cancelling plans with other people so that you can see us.
Inconveniencing yourself to spend time with us, for instance, travelling across town just to spend 30 minutes with us in a lunch hour.
Calling us and not having anything really to say to us.
Asking to know what our movements are during the day.
Going to something or doing something even though we know you do not like it really, just to please us and/or be with us;
Dropping everything to come to us on the pretext of an emergency;
Agreeing with us when we tell you that friends, family, colleagues etc are jealous of you and I and you do not try to make excuses for them, but instead you express dismay for their attitudes.
Buying something so you have the similar item to us.
Asking for an item of our clothing with our scent on so you can have us close to you.
Allowing us to borrow something and not asking for it back even though we have kept it for longer than we said we would.
Lending us money and not asking for it back.
Preferring to stay in than go out with your friends in the hope that we will call you.
Turning up unexpectedly at a place where we are.
Making considerable changes in your appearance to impress us;
Making changes to your home in order to impress us;
Writing poems or love letters to us;
Offering to do chores for us even though we do not live together;
Wanting us to accompany you to events
Telling us you miss us even though it has only been an afternoon that we have been apart.
Whilst it is a fact that these indicators also happen in ‘normal’ relationships, it is the fact that so many of them occur and that they do so with undue haste which sends us the signal that we want to see. Some would not happen in any relationship and with others it is the speed and aggregate effect of them which provides us with the indication that we wish to see. Be mindful of whether you are doing these things because if you are and you recognise the red flags of the way we behave towards you, you are in effect issuing a “come and get me I am yours” to us, with all the consequences that flow from that.
6 thoughts on “Now I Have You”
Nobody has me.
These indicators are useful to know and be aware of for future reference.
Thank you HG, these are definitely black flags. I need to keep an eye on these in the future.
Interesting to see the list of ‘indicators’ and recognising some when I was involved with a Lesser narcissist and an MRN. I recall some of these ‘indicators’ occurring often, especially during the very early days of the ‘relationship’.
“Whilst it is a fact that these indicators also happen in ‘normal’ relationships” – true. This is where the difficulty of recognising the difference whether it is a relationship with a narcissist, or a non-narcissist.
This article is a good example as to why education and awareness of narcissism needs to be shared as widely as possible across the world.
This is a good list of what not to do’s, thank you.
You are welcome.