How? Why? Go?
I have heard this said so many times, read about it from bewildered and perplexed people and know from experience the confusion that accompanies this question.
“But how could he do this to me after everything else? But why would he behave like this? But who would do such a thing as that? He said he loved me. I know he loved me. How does someone love someone else in such a perfect way and then act as if he does not even know them?”
I have written about how the empath likes to know everything. This is not because you are big-headed or wish to boast. You like to know everything in order to allow you to help. You need to understand a situation. It has to make sense to you. You must be able to comprehend what has happened and find some logical reason for the occurrence. This is why you spend so long trying to work us out. This is why when we are doling out the silent treatment you need to ascertain why we are doing it (I think now you understand we do it because we need to, not because there is a valid (according to your reality) reason for this behaviour). It is a natural empathic reaction. If you understand why something has happened you can then consider the ways in which it can be addressed, remedied and fixed. You want everything to be alright.
Accordingly, when our devaluation is unleashed against you it comes out of nowhere. Yesterday we held hands as we walked through the park together and kissed beneath the spreading oak. Today you have been subjected to a nasty period of name-calling and blaming. You are dumbfounded. Where on earth did that come from? In your reality it makes no sense at all. One minute every is okay,nothing changes but then suddenly we are being horrible to you. It just does not add up. It makes no sense. It gets worse.Not only does it not follow in a logical sense since our response (viewed in your reality remember) seems random, how can a person who says he loves you then batter you with his fists, lock you out of your home, sleep rape you, smash up your car, spit on you and so on? Not only is it not a normal sequence of events if you love somebody then you just do not do that, do you?
This is what makes it so difficult for you to comprehend. We have conned you into thinking that we loved you. We gave you the huge seduction and dazzled you with the golden period. We know what you perceive love to be and we gave it to you in spade loads all manufactured by Narc Inc. Our production line went into over time creating these false acts and hollow declarations of love but you fell for it. You always do. Accordingly, you were duped into thinking that we loved you so that when we begin to devalue you it flies completely in the face of what you understand to be the situation.
You will sit for hours with your close friends and recite example after example of all the wonderful things that we have said and done and then ask,
“How can he hurt me when he loves me so much?”
It is utterly perplexing. Naturally there is method in this madness. If it made sense, if there was a logical reason for this volte face you are more likely to accept it and walk away. This twisted and nonsensical logic is purposefully designed to keep you with us because:-
- You must know what has happened and make sense of it
- You want to make things right
- You want the wonderful golden period again
45 thoughts on “How? Why? Go?”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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Dear HG the God
Consulting with you , reading your work and doing no contact clear my delusion and give truth and clarity.
I didn’t attend my sport today. With all the Narcs. I’m improving my life.
His triangulation was a show and it was just for me.
“Perhaps you had better start thinking about making some self-improvements and increasing your longevity yes?” I want to use this line on any future narcissists that come around, is that okay? 🙂
Oh my !! I just phoned the other location to speak to IT… which is not his department…. but he must have been in the office cause he picked up the phone 😱 lord Jesus it’s been over 2 years since I’ve heard his voice !
I don’t think he knew it was me. I just played dumb asked to speak to IT and then said thank you… but I’m like freaking out over here 🤣 did not think I would so easily crumble 😂
My palms are sweating…. my heart is racing… fuck 😂 so unexpected. I forgot how sexy his voice is. That boyish charm. Fuck.
Yea me for not revealing myself !! Probably woulda got hung up on if it did.
I’ll be fine. I just had to blab this somewhere and it can’t be to any of my friends haha.
Oh no, are you okay? Are you having thoughts about calling him? Do you need us to say anything? Like…no, it’s been over 2 years, don’t give up now… Or, he will just hurt you in the long run… Or, sexy is fun for a moment but steady is good for a lifetime… I don’t know, I’m just trying to think of something that might bring your LT back a little.
Hi AV, I just needed to say it somewhere, I was a little in shock I was not expecting him to pick up the phone. I’ve been wanting to break no contact for months now… I’m just in a bad head space, I know all the reasons I don’t talk to him anymore and I know he’s not the answer to my issues… I’m not sure there’s anything anyone can say it’s just something I have to handle and deal with. After I hung up my heart was racing… it’s been so long since we spoke and I had my “work voice”
On so I honestly don’t even think he knew it was me. So at least I avoided a Hoover trigger. But truth be told… I’ve been wanting to talk to him for a long time.
Thanks for asking if I’m OK. I am. I already feel better just a few hours later.
Empath007, I saw and responded to your second comment first, and I’m glad it was in that order. The ups and downs are challenging.
“I was reminded that he had caused me so much pain … and how could I possibly allow someone who hurt me so much back in my life ?” –I think this might help you for the next while, as you are here and read some of HG’s material and watch some of his videos, until your LT comes back around. You deserve better, you deserve genuine love, not what this phony has to offer. Please don’t put yourself through more pain by getting back involved with him. It’s not worth it. Hang in there, you can make it, one day at a time, and before you realize, you’ll be at another two year marker. We are rooting for you!
A Victor, this is why I love this blog. It doesn’t matte what we are going through personally, we are all here for each other.
Yes Leigh, I have seen this too, this blog and the people here are amazing. My heart went out to the emotion in Empath007’s comment, I could so relate to that and you know, you just want to help. Also, someone reaching out gives an opportunity to get outside of our own situation and give back and I believe this can have healing properties for both people. I am very grateful to Empath007 for this opportunity. Thank you for your comment, very sweet.
I wrote a reply but I’m not sure if I hit “post comment” or not.
To answer your question. I don’t think I’m OK. Simply because I woke up thinking today was the day I am going to contact him. Just as I went to open a draft …. my final “letter” to him (the one i’ll Never send him) opened up on my phone. And I read this excerpt from it (it’s quite long) and I was reminded that he had caused me so much pain … and how could I possibly allow someone who hurt me so much back in my life ?
So I’m saved for today … here’s part of the letter :
I will never be the same again. I am still waiting for the day I do not think of you. That I feel clarity and peace around the situation. I don’t know when that will be. I know that I am strong (people who can endure abuse usually are in their own way) But I am worried I am not strong enough to really come out the other side. You crushed what once was a confident and healthy spirit. I second guess myself more now then I ever did before. Even though I went back to school and am seeing successes in my life I still feel your presence trying to take me down. I still feel you trying to barry me alive. And I don’t know if I will ever be ok again. I need to say goodbye to all of this… as you are not the first narc to come into my life and you won’t be the last. I’ve cut you out like all the others before you, but the difference is…. none of them still weigh so heavy on my mind.
The biggest lesson I’ve learnt by all of this is that revenge isn’t best served cold, it isn’t about living your best life or even striving for success…. the best revenge is total indifference.
And that’s what I hope for myself…. total indifference. I’m not there. I don’t know when I will be but I keep telling myself.., no contact will eventually get me there.
Empath007, you comment makes so much sense to me, what happened on the phone could’ve, likely would’ve, thrown anyone for a loop. I’m glad you are saved for today! It’s a set-back and I’m glad you didn’t make it a worse one but came here instead. And, now you know how vulnerable you still are, that could be very helpful to know. I will hope for your continued success, one day at a time, and keep talking to us, please, we want your success also! You will get there!
Thanks so much for your replies and encouragement AV. I really appreciate it. It’s ridiculous how someone could get so under our skin that a phone call throws us off. Mostly it’s because I’ve been dying to talk to him to see how’s hes been through this whole pandemic. And I just … miss our intimacy. Not necessarily just sex but… he feigned true intimacy well.
Anyways. Time to move forward and date again. I’m going to put myself back out … no doubt about it… I’m ready to get hurt again 😂
Thanks again 🙂
Ready to get hurt again!!! NOOOOOO!!!! Lol!
“I’m ready to get hurt again 😂” – by a narcissist, probably, unless you have learned enough to use your own ‘power’ to continue to be who you are….. by a normal? Nah, not possibly – albeit a bit boring….
Hahaha I mean… there’s no doubt I’m gonna get hurt again 😂 I just need to find the one who wants to hurt me haha.
No Disrespect to you – only a ‘wallaby’ or a kangaroo would seek someone to ‘hurt’ them….. Look, TBH, your ET is too high. Get that down and then you can play with kangaroos – even beat the fkers……. that little ‘sh**e’ – you need to get more KTN information in our head FIRST…. come, on, you can do it and then decide if it is the right direction to go…. ET down FIRST, LT UP….. you will get there…. beat the narcissist…….. (with newspaper 😉 )
Yay for you Empath007
My read is that you might be stating that sarcastically ? Which is fine… but it is yea for me because has he recognized my voice I don’t know where the conversation would have ended up.
Empath007, I completely missed the last two lines until reading Summer’s response! So sorry, and, so happy for you! Success stories are always great!
You made it Empath007, you probably sounded very cool!
I did Handle it well. I resist the urge to out myself and confess my undying love… so there’s that 😂 thanks Another Cat !
Empath007, do the phones have caller ID? Most phones these day have it. My guess is he saw you calling in and that’s why he picked up the phone. Even if he didn’t see you calling in, I’m sure e recognized your voice. Now that you are on his radar again, I would expect another hoover. Stay strong. You got this!
No I don’t think that building has called ID (ancient I know) I could tell he did not know it was me because he went about things too proffesionaly and our time wAs brief. He hasn’t heard my voice in two years… so I think I’m safe that way.
Been doing some thinking and I’ve decided I have to start dating again to get over him. I need to meet someone new.
If he does Hoover. I’ll fully admit. I’m not in the mindset to turn it down. I don’t think I would.
It’s been a long time though and it’s very possible he wrapped up and “happy” with his new supply sources.
Doesn’t it suck that they still consume so much of our brain. Zero Impact is key. Its been two years, I think its safe for you to put yourself back out there again. Now that you are here and the rose colored glasses are off, you should be able to spot a narcissist from a mile away and if you do, run as fast as you can.
Yes, the way they take up space in our minds is horrible. I hate that he’s still there but yes… time to meet someone new.
Honestly at this point I wouldn’t even care if they were a narc as long as I just stop grasping on to the hope things could have been any different with this one.
Thanks Leigh ! And hang in there yourself. I don’t know how you do it working in the same office.
Empath007, I know if I went back, it would only be a matter of time before he would hurt me again. I can’t do it to myself. I just can’t. I also know its all an illusion, none of it is real so there’s just no point.
Also, if I go back, he wins. F#$% THAT! I can’t let him win.
Hahaha 😂 Exactly!! They CANNOT win. I will die before going back. I ghosted and ignored the hoovers. I WIN
Haha. Your last sentiment about not letting them “win” is possibly the largest reason I haven’t went back either. Just to see that smug look on his face that I caved… no… but I wouldn’t mind him seeing me these days. I look great. I looks content… and I want him jealous of that contentment.
But if he Hoover’s me in the stare I’m in now… it’s game over…. hit the reset button and he wins 🤣
Ooof! The stare is dangerous. You can fight it. You have too. Even just one hit will do you in!
The Stare is dangerous? It can be electrifying….. “Even just one hit will do you in!” – yup…..
Yes one bit of the stare and then ABBA’s mama Mia starts playing in the background… that’s why these songs were written !!! The other side of dealing with the narc :
“Just one look and I can hear a bell ring.. “
… here I go again …
That is the WRONG song…… it shoulda be Tupac’s ‘Only God Can Judge Me’ (or summat like that, FFS, I’ve had a bottle of wine and still doing good – ah, the power of being ME)…..
AND…… I have 4 ‘screens’ going at the same time…on one 13 year old laptop….. I’m a smart ass) 😉
Great, now it’s stuck in my head! Thankfully I love ABBA.
Empath007, I agree with Asp Emp, that’s the wrong song! Get it out of your head! No More Tears by Barbra Streisand and Donna Summer. Play it over and over and over again!!!
All jokes aside.
An important date is coming up between him and I.
With the end of this hard year looming, I’m wanting to reach out, Burry the hatchet. Contact him again.
I’m taking a lot of pauses today. Reminding myself that… I need to get a grip on my emotions… I need to take some control here, and realize it’s ok that i’ll Never get my closure.
It’s interesting. HG always talks about how the narcissim drives the wheel for the narcissist… that’s it’s instinctive and reactive… well for empaths are emotions often take the steering wheel in the exact same way. So to hold back on them, that’s the true test, because it feel so naturual to let them take control.
I don’t know which one will win today. My logic or my emotions. But I fear the latter is too powerful to contain.
Empath007, I hope you’re ok. I hope you decided against reaching out. Any bit of contact my draw you back in. What if you contact him and it doesn’t go well? Or what if you contact him and does go well? Then what?
You say you need have closure. Thats just your ET conning you into contacting him. I promise you its not worth it. You have closure. Hes a narcissist.
To you its an important day coming up. To the narcissist, it doesn’t mean anything and if he remembers, it will only be used to control you.
Please be careful.
‘… you are not giving us our fuel in the strength, quantity and frequency we demand.’
‘We never loved you.’
‘To us you are just an appliance.’
The above mentioned is what stood out in this article. These are the cold facts to remember about the time with the narcissist and why it was a roller-coaster. Perhaps all the narcissists would be more comfortable going shopping for new sources in an appliance store?
Having the last ‘word’.
Yes. Go. My kv
HG….I want ask your advice about something. I know you are a greater narcissist but I also know you are very smart. I want to ask you what would be your best advice to someone who has an 18 year old son who has a girlfriend he loves very dearly but she comes from a really scarred past with her family and has no close bond with them and she is jealous of my sons relationship with me his mother. They are living together now with my ex husband. Anyways I’m not sure if she’s a narcissist but she is very insecure and clingy to him and tells him that she thinks I hate her and she thinks I’m rude to her. But I’m not I always hug her and tell nice things. My point is that I’m asking you what is the best thing for me to do to in this situation since I know I can’t force her to like me but she’s tried to make him think I’m jealous of her. I talked to my son and we had a heart to heart and he’s not mad at me like he was because she was complaining to him about me. We had a long talk and he knows I’m not jealous of her and he knows she’s had a hard life with emotional problems and she’s got problems but he says he’s happy with her and he loves me and knows I don’t hate her. So at least my son knows I’m not how she’s trying to convince him I am but he still has to deal with the way she feels about me. I told him I do not want to add any stress to him at all and I am happy that he’s happy. He said that maybe just from now on we can spend time together like with just us to avoid her hard feelings. I said ok. I told him I would try to back off and give plenty of space to them and him. But he says he doesn’t want to lose our relationship either. He doesn’t want me to stop communicating with him or not see him because of this and I said ok good because I don’t want that either. But my main question is assuming she might be in his life for a very long time….what should I do or how should I act to stay out of her firing zone and what is your advice in this situation. He is very smitten with her and I just don’t want to do the wrong things concerning this girl. She is 21 and he is 18. HG what would you do or think and what would be your reaction or actions in such a situation.? Sorry for this long question. Just curious what you would do I know your not a mom lol but if you were or it was your daughter and her boyfriend was like that. How would you handle it or not handle it? Sorry if this is off subject.
Hello Withinreason, this is an expansive matter and should be addressed through consultation to do it justice.
Eh NO. 💗🤙
The behavior always changes *just* enough to trigger my logic and initiate NC despite the pain.