Delivered By God
In one exchange with hissy fit Hannah, she of the perfectly poised potty mouth, I was blundering my way through the Madness of King George and my off kilter timing was causing her to explode once again. Her script had been thrown to the ground and the papers lay scattered.
She was ramrod stiff and her tiny feet seemed nailed to the floor as they did not move. Instead, she seemed to move only from the ankle, the rest of her body in perfect alignment as she jolted from side to side. Her caustic tongue went into over time and I stood with a false perplexed look on my face conveying that I was mystified as to what was causing her such concern.
“You do this on purpose don’t you?” she accused. Those small round brown eyes glinted with the fury that coursed through her. I must admit, other than my own rage, I do not think that anybody who I have ever met has come anywhere near to the seething outrage that Hannah used to feel.
Were it not for her magnanimous nature and her ability to take an interest in people you might have thought that she was one of my kind. She was very good at making people feel wanted. Notwithstanding her degree of fame, she made time for people and welcomed listening to them and asking about them. She actually preferred for people to talk about themselves rather her having to speak about herself. She took pride in the calibre of her performance, enjoyed the decent money she commanded as well but ultimately it was all about the performance. Something I could identify with.
“It is not difficult to do HG, it really is not,” she ranted “You used to be so damn good at doing this, much like everything else in our relationship. I don’t know what has happened to you, but you seem to have lost your sense of purpose. I admired you because you tackle everything head on and you are usually brilliant at everything you turn your hand to, but I am beginning to wonder if your power has peaked. Are you losing it? This is shambolic, you are useless, absolutely useless.”
She then descended into combining a thesaurus with profanity as she found every synonym she could for incompetence and interspersed these descriptions with a heavy serving of swear words. Her breath was coming in staccato bursts as she built herself into a frenzy, her cheeks reddening as her voice rose and rose.
“I really do have to ask, for what purpose God put you on this earth?”
Finally she stopped and she held my gaze. I could feel the fire ignite inside me as for once she had created the spark. The flames leapt into life, the heat surging upwards through me. She had questioned my purpose. She was challenging my existence. Who did she think she was? My eyes narrowed as I savoured the vitriol that now pumped through my body, the rising malice giving me power and reminding me that I am the supreme authority and she is but dust on the wind. Already the schemes of manipulation flickered through my racing my mind like a thousand screens showing trailers for the malevolence that would be unleashed on this thespian for her audacity in questioning my purpose.
I felt the words form in my throat and the anger came soaring with them as I strode up to her. She remained defiant, still in that strange stiff pose and she did not shirk despite the clear intent signalled by my rapid walk towards her. I thrust my face into hers, eyeball to eyeball and with incandescent rage burning through me I yelled into her face,
“I was invented by God to test your belief in him.”
She blinked once and then again. The edifice immediately cracked and came crashing down as she let out a howl of upset and her eyes filled with tears.
Nobody does rage like me.
Nobody delivers the final line like me.
Nobody questions my purpose.
91 thoughts on “Delivered By God”
I got a story to share. So, I was listening to Everything But the Girl on YT (because I am in this 90s obsession) and the songs continued in their playlist. Then I heard the very song the MMR sent to me directly after my finding his Twitter page with gay shit and pics of himself, which he never shared with me.
I had not listened to this song since he sent it 7 yrs ago. I had spent the night sobbing to the point that my vocal cords were sore, as was my diaphragm ached from the heaving and sobbing.
In his email he was sweet as pie b/c I was crying (giving him fuel) and not threatening his control, and granting him that superiority. He sent a bunch of pretty words and then linked to this song, telling me that this song reminded him of of how he felt about me.
Here are some of the lyrics:
And I’ve leaned on you for years
Now you can lean on me
And that’s more than love, that’s the way
It should be
Now I can’t change the way you think
But I could put my arms around you
That’s just part of the deal
That’s the way I feel
I put my arms around you
I stand in front of you
I’ll take the force of the blow
In hindsight, this makes no sense. What is he protecting me from, exactly? He hides his identity but he wants to put his arms around me? Talk about ET. I had spent the night sobbing, asking myself how he could be this cruel and then afterwards he sends me this. Was I supposed to ride this crumb into eternity?
Not long after–a few weeks or so, when I challenged him on the fact that he should have told me he was gay he responded, ‘I am not going to tell you for your convenience.’
Ah, so there is the Creature. It was never very far. Then he accused me of being obsessed with him. I dunno about you, but if I believe someone is obsessed with me, I don’t send them songs with those sorts of lyrics.
The good news is (not to upstage WC on hers) is that I listened to the song in its entirety and I felt absolutely nothing. No emotion. Nada.
Bibi, TS and I had a convo yesterday about this and I told her I did a little Clockwork Orange therapy to detach my invented memories that my stupid ET attached to some songs and create others unrelated to the narc. The moment you can listen to a song again and feel nothing or nothing related to the narc, you know you’re healed. Congrats!
Thank you, James…er SP.
Funny i was just thinking about this one today. Wondering if narcissist’s subconscious comes up from time to time and the pain associated with their narcissism. I do think it is very much there and that is what the narcissism is for to blot it out. To sheild against the creature. Definitely a defense mechanism.
Hannah’s behavior was most inappropriate you could just picture the diva type personality although if I understood correctly you were provoking her on purpose nevertheless she chose to react the way she did. If someone is going to throw that kind of tantrum then she deserved the response she got.God putting you on earth to test my faith wouldn’t even be part of my paradigm… It would have been uneffective if used on me. I could think of a few reasons why God would put you on this earth but definitely nothing to do with testing my faith, however I would never say anything like that anyway it would make no sense to me questioning someone’s existence? However, you got the response you were going for and she was the perfect victim because of her out of control emotions and haughty spirit. You needed fuel, you needed to feel superior easy target well done.
If I only had been a fly on the wall, this would have been a stupendous interlocution to witness. Final line delivered by HG.
HG is this a true story? Are you an stage actor?
I should have been more specific I deducted from the story that possibly acting was a hobby definitely not your main career. Also I see the little icon of the gentleman in the red swim trunks and I can understand why you got bent out of shape when I said I’m guessing you’re in your mid-50s because those don’t look like old man legs.. however if you were always an athlete and you take good care of yourself especially with that dark tan I could see a man’s legs looking that good even well into their mid-50s.
No, they are not old man legs.
Mid 50’s is not old.
And the good news is, I am neither!
I am, this is how I know. Haha.
No they are not old man legs, HG. They are gorgeous and it doesn’t matter what color the swim shorts are!
🔥 🔥 🔥
Thank you FM1T.
The pleasure is all mine HG! Xx
Glad to see you posting!
Hope you are well 💚
Yes I am well, thank you for asking.
I have been extremely busy and have not had much time to comment.
How are you dear WC? I know for many of us this time of year is extremely tough. 💞
Glad to hear you are well.
I hope yours is a good kind of busy!
This time of the year does present some challenges. And I am sure with Covid it is made that much more difficult for some. As for me, personally, I have no problem with limiting my social circle for celebrating the season…it is a positive actually.
I had some good news today, the kind of news I haven’t had in a long time! It made me feel… normal. Even if it leads nowhere (it could potentially lead to me being very busy too!), it was still very good news to receive.
At the same time, I just saw I have a legal communication, in my inbox, that I will leave for reading until after my son has gone to bed.
So – haha – mixed bag, I guess.
But so much good in mix and much to be thankful for.
I hope you are making time for you, FM1T, in this busy time and are taking care of yourself. In the event that you find yourself super busy over the holidays, I will take the opportunity now to wish you a wonderful Christmas, and all the best for the coming year. 💖
It made my heart smile to read of your good news, congratulations dear WC!
It seems we always have good with the bad, but having the bad helps us appreciate the good just that much more.
Thank you for the Christmas wishes, this is always a tough time of year for me and being busy will help me move through it. I hope you and your son have a beautiful Christmas, he is very lucky to have such a beautiful strong Mother and I know you feel just as blessed to have him. I wish you and yours much happiness and peace in the coming New Year.😘xx
Thanks for your sweet words FM1T, take care.
You’re welcome WC. You take care also.
Hello! Have been thinking about you hoping you are well and just busy.
I agree about HG’s legs. They are the epitome of virility and I imagine most delicious to crawl over naked on your way up to the destination of those azure eyes and full lips poised to …
* shakes head *
What? Oh yes…I appreciate tangerine also.
Omg NA you are so funny! Yes I am well, thank you for asking. I have been extremely busy lately and have not had time for the blog. I try to keep up with the comments and cannot let any comment about those gorgeous legs go. With some people it’s the voice, with me it’s those leg!
God I can’t believe I’m talking about HG like this! Time to snap out of it. Yes, yes, tangerine is a lovely color isn’t it Sista?! 💞
I’m sorry I wanted to ask you how you have been, I’m hoping all is going well for you? Once again those legs caused a distraction. Haha
That was funny NA!
A Victor, you’re only as old as you feel! Unfortunately, I feel about 90 at the moment! 😂
JB, exactly! I do not feel old at all. I am sorry to hear you’re feeling old. But, glad to see you back!
Raising a glass to your good news. It’s water with my B12 but it’s the sentiment.
Thank-you NA! Sentiment appreciated. Raising my cup of apple strudel rooibos tea in return.
And if my news leads to something significant, I will be looking for something a little stronger to raise in my cup. 😄
WhoCares, I just read over and saw your comment, congrats on your good news that I expect are followed by more and more good news!
Thank-you SP, I am little nervous to get too excited about it.
Oh I’m that way too, but my excitement to tell the whole world always wins. I’m an open book. Just believe it, embrace it, and give yourself the right to feel happy for it without fears!
A Victor, thank you! 🙂 😘
I always said they were meaty and would greatly benefit were we all crashed in the Andes mountains. Yum Yum.
Because we would need HG to hunt and find food of course.
NA, I had too many carbs today so I am puffed. I also think my attempting to crawl up HG’s legs whilst naked would make me feel like a hungry, hairy spider.
That image reminded me of The Cure’s “Lullaby.” What a great video.
SP, your new gravatar….
Young James Spader. Oh, dear.
He’s getting a lot of attention!
Appropriately so SP. 🙂
I know. Somebody should tell him, I’m sure he would love to know he still has a fan club.
HG, since we’re on the topic of old men, in light of my 90s obsession I ordered a–yes–a Depeche Mode Calendar for my work cubicle!
Now, most the pics are of what I would call ‘Grandpa Mode’ as they are all old! In one shot Dave looks like he should be cast as an extra in The Godfather. Crinkly Corleone. (He is still hot–don’t get me wrong.)
The most ridiculous thing I did however is that in purchasing this from the UK, it did not occur to me that it would have UK holidays. Why is MLK Day listed as a ‘Bank Holiday?’ or some such.
Talk about ethnocentric on my part. And the fact that each week begins with Monday rather than Sunday. Oh well, I got it for aesthetic reasons. And to confuse myself.
It does have one young pic of Martin in his punk days which is cute but half the pic is of his nipples. This is going to be a very interesting year indeed!
My coworkers think I am cool and that is all that matters.
Never fear SP, he has a few fan clubs! I think his work on Blacklist reignited his popularity. I love him on that show.
The swim shorts are tangerine in color. I’m surprised Mr. HG Tudor did not correct you.
I hate referring to swim shorts as swim trunks.
Pssst, njfilly, I always thought they were red, myself. ‘Tangerine trunks’ does sound more….distinct…than ‘red swimming shorts’. But, I am with FM1T on this; the colour does not really matter 😉
I also thought they were red until I saw Mr. HG Tudor correct others several times when they called them red, so I expected him to do it again this time. In this instance I guess he had to choose between correcting the color of the shorts and defending his youth!
Tangerine appears more orange, to me, than these shorts. Who decided to call shorts trunks anyway? I HATE that!
They’re fucking tangerine. Fin.
YOU are magnificent!
El fin or la fin?
Alright, alright,….. tangerine. Whatever, HG. They are whatever colour people see (there are those who cannot see ‘colour’ = colour-blindness exists). Come on, what people see goes beyond what others realise. Lateral Thinking, sweetie 🙂
Now everyone jumps on the HG leg train? I’ve been saying they’re delicious for years. I already said I would eat them!
(Just your friendly neighborhood cannibal humour….)
I would definitely jump on that train!
Your answer to her gave me chills!
Is Hannah’s hissy fit an example of the cliff fight back HG?
I’m looking forward to your accounts of IPPS super novas. Examples of what that event looks like will be educational and entertaining as ever.
No, they are examples of the manifestation of her strong narcissistic trait of anger which surfaces when her emotional empathy has been eroded, MB, through my behaviour towards her.
Thank you HG.
Then, what traits likely lead to physical violence in this scenario?
Anger and Justice.
What would you have done if she had hit you, HG?
As in slapped you across the face in her anger.
That may be further fuel, but would you have reacted?
She would not have been able to slap me. I would have grabbed her arm and stopped her from doing so before any blow would be landed. My reflexes are extremely fast.
If the N grabbed me to stop me from hitting him, I would perceive that as him hitting me FIRST because it was his fault that I was going to hit him in the first instance. There’s some good ol’ narc logic for you. LOL
Ah, thank you, HG. I can actually imagine that would be the case. And you must have amazing reflexes! I can also imagine the look you would give her in that moment. Probably best not to let the imagination to go too wild on this one. I just know it would be incredibly intimidating. And not for the faint-hearted.
Haha, BC30, I can actually relate to some of that logic!
When I walked out on my ex, while he was gone, with my child and then preemptively sought emergency custody – without any warning in advance, was that a Cliff fight back or a supernova event?
It was neither, it was an escape.
That it was indeed.
Unless i missed something, the cliff is a metaphor so i see it like a situation where you have just two options, when you stand in front of a cliff either you fall and die or you fight verry hard and you survive.
In the narcissistic dynamic i imagine a situation where usally the narcissist is violent but you always forgive him and excuse him but this time he is taking it too far as to actually try and kill you, so for once you do hit him verry hard and escape or if you usally turn a blind eye on his/her affairs and some day you walk on them while they are kissing your sister or best friend and it is your limite and you leave for real this time.
To make it short i imagine it like a situation where either you fight or you die but it is a single and intense moment in whiche you react to an intense pain, while the empathic supernova if i got it correctly is extinded in time and it is a super empath fighting back milde abuse.
Thank-you for explaining your thoughts. That helps. The cliff scenario makes sense. (I still don’t 100% grasp a supernova event.)
I guess I just view my past choices as my way of fighting back. I always tried not to argue with my ex (which is very difficult with a narcissist) and I never had to fight him physically. But what I did do is fight to take back my power and control over my life and to protect my child…I just never let on to him that that was what I was doing. And it was never to *get back at him*, it was simply to make amends to my child for bringing him into that situation.
You are welcom WhoCares, we will have a finite response about the cliff when Mr.HG makes a book or an article about it.
If i may give you my opinion, i don’t think you have to make amends, to me you did nothing wrong, you din’t know what kind of person the father of your child was and when you ralised that he had a bad influence on your family you took the courageous decision to leave. If you were my mom not only would i not blame you, but i will be very proud and gratful to have a mother who saved me the pain of living with an abusive father.
I have written about The Cliff Fightback in the Platinum Collection, pay attention.
Thank-you Liza, your kind words are appreciated. I recognize that I didn’t do anything wrong – that it is not my fault.
But it is also not my son’s fault that he has a narcissist for a father and if I don’t protect him – no one will, because the system doesn’t do this.
My son doesn’t understand any of it at this time – he was too young – he doesn’t know that he came out of a situation of abuse. He doesn’t even know the word “abuse” – and he had stayed in a women’s shelter with me. I have protected him from all direct adult conflict where possible, but his father still manages to make me look like the one at fault.
At this point, my son doesn’t grasp that he is being protected from his father – so there is nothing for him to appreciate.
When my son is an adult he will understand everything and no one will be able to fault me for not trying my best to protect him.
Perhaps, I am taking my accountability a bit too far – but when I give in (legally speaking) it will be because I’ve deemed it detrimental to hold to my stance.
I just purchased and read The Platinum Collection. I did not exhibit the Cliff Back, but I did exhibit Peace. I also escaped in the manner HG explains my School is inclined to do.
Thank you for reading.
Are you Carrier, BC30?
SP, yes. Moving forward, I am going to refer to myself as a “Confetti Empath” because the only thing I am missing is Co-D. 😆
Geyser – strong minority
Magnet – significant minority
Savior – significant minority
Carrier – insignificant minority
Martyr – insignificant minority
Standard > Super > Contagion
You got tutti-frutti results, how fun!
I was not aware of it, i didn’t get that material yet, thank you for the clarification Mr.HG.
You are welcome.
I have it – The Platinum Collection and reread the Cliff Back – (sorry HG, I had misremembered having it since I got it during the 20 million offerings, which was a dizzying array of goodies).
The problem is that I need a practical example to fully grasp it.
So I escaped – then, out of the shred of empathy I had left for him, I let him back into my life.
But it was on my terms; he literally could not gain admittance to building where we were, without my say so, because he didn’t have a key or alarm code.
The day he tried to provoke me into an argument over finances etc., I had to work that evening. And inside I just reached a point where I realized that I had allowed him to exploit my empathy yet again – and his presence was actually causing me to not be able to support my family. It came to a head and I wanted to scream at him to get out but internally I was very controlled and said one statement that pointed out that he was on MY TURF. A switch flipped for him – I had never seen him rage and kick furniture that way.
I just kept asking him why was he was doing this in front of our son and trying to keep our son quiet.
He eventually raged out and left the building.
And he was never allowed back in again by me.
So, at that point he disengaged…I guess but what was I doing? Cliff fight back? I wasn’t fighting, I was stating the obvious but clearly it wounded him.
I will not pretend to know how hard it is to coparent with a narcissist, i never had children myself, but at least i can imagine that it is verry hard to know that you are doing the right thing but the full value of it is not appreciated.
The fact that your son is still verry young makes it hard to make him understand the situation but at least you can tell yourself that you took him out of there so early that he didn’t have the time to get it, you protected him in the full sens of the word.
Plus, unless your ex is a mastermind genius in manipulation, your child will grow and rocognise that you were right and that you made the best choice for him and for you, as for the outsiders they have no say in the matter, they don’t get it and you are not accountable to them. I know it is easier said than done, but be patient and use your knowlege to cope durng the hard times, i wish you the best <3
Good question MB.
The Greater Redemption
Nobody should question another person’s purpose, it doesn’t matter who they are.