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23 thoughts on “Manipulation : The Use of Secrecy”
I think I’ve been through both Nonnarcs and Narcs saying things like
“I don’t know if I should tell you something juicy about this person you haven’t even met”
when I just went blank and said “Great, please don’t”.
Then I never heard from that wannabe secretteller again.
I don’t like secrets, but if you tell me one, I can guarantee you that I will take it to my grave. I am a Keeper of Secrets.
I’m the same way.
This is what the MMR used over me–dangled it like a carrot. ‘Maybe someday I will tell you about my life, but in the mean time I am going to tell you how I can’t trust you with sharing anything.’
When I finally went NC I said, ‘You can now keep all your secrets because I don’t give a shit. You got your wish.’
Yeah, I don’t give a shit any more either.
What a great place to be 🙂
“When I finally went NC I said, ‘You can now keep all your secrets because I don’t give a shit. You got your wish.’” – laughing……
He very much wanted me to give a shit. Yet another layer to the Monolith of Pain when I found his Twitter page where he shares all his private crap with complete strangers but not me.
Bloody hell. I have no words…… WTF and bloody cheek of him……
Asp Emp: Just to clarify, he wasn’t my boyfriend but someone I corresponded with and someone I believed was my closest friend. Part of the problem was my not really knowing what I was in our relationship, b/c while he would tell me he cared about me and I was important to him, he would withhold basic information about himself, thus causing me to feel not good enough for his time and energy.
Honestly, I didn’t know if I was even deserving of any ‘support’ b/c when I would frequent the narc abuse forums I read so many horrible stories about ex husbands and wives that maybe I was expecting too much and who am I when these women have been beaten and robbed, etc.?
He caused me tremendous pain and pain is pain, regardless. I know that now.
Ah, thank you for clarifying. Yes, I understand. Hope you recover sooner than later. You suffered in your own way – your own wellbeing comes first before others that you do not know. We all have ‘scars’ to bear, endure and maybe recover from. It is possible.
My ex’s secrets made my heart hurt so much. I knew he had many, he knew I knew and when he left, he took most of them with him. It still hurts to think about it, one of the most hurtful aspects of that relationship.
Ah, AV, it obviously still bothers you – it is not easy. I am just glad that I no longer am affected by past narcissists. Your pain will go, eventually. You have been through a lot recently, so it is understandable when you have a lot going on. Sorry I can’t do more to help you but I am here on the blog 🙂
The pain may go and it may not, it’s been a decade already and it still hurts. I don’t think of it often anymore so it’s not constant now, thankfully. I don’t really believe in soul mates but I really thought he was as close to one as I would get and a lot of the reason I didn’t date, or even want to date, was because I thought no one would really ever be as good of a match in some ways. But, there were so many things that were not good and being here, I’m forcing myself to admit that and really look at it, try to sort through it better. But you know, I just wanted to grow old with him and be happy to be together, so it has been the death of a dream and sometimes I don’t know that that kind of pain ever really goes away, completely anyway. Thank you for listening! That is so helpful, to be able to let this stuff out where people actually get it.
A decade? That is a long time. It was easier for me to ‘overcome’ the pain – simply by reading up on narcissism and also understanding myself – why I became the person I did. I have ‘changed’ since, no longer ‘chained’ to my past. In my view, what you are describing is your ET still being at high level and your LT is actually improving, yet, you are still trying to get your head around it all. You will get there, eventually. I know you will.
Well, and now it’s more like a deep sadness and not on the surface all the time, like it was at first. Though I was so numb at first, for a really long time, and there were so many other emotions happening at the same time, that the pain didn’t register as such until he’d been gone for a long time. When it did hit, it was hard, like he’d pulled my heart out, threw it down and stomped on it. And I actually did recognize that feeling, so many that I struggle to put my finger on. It stayed with me for a long time. So, it’s not like that anymore, now, just the sadness. And yet, I would not let him come back, he knows this and he wouldn’t want to either.
The other piece that’s been difficult for me is getting my head around someone leaving their family, children, and never looking back, not even to inquire how they are. That has been helped by being here, though I don’t know if he’s a narcissist, but I still have a hard time computing it.
The ‘deep sadness’ & the ‘numbness’ and the other emotions as you describe – that is what it was like for me but not as long as you. It was difficult for me to ‘logically’ understand or describe what I felt at the time – it was not really until I came to this blog until it all made sense. Maybe your sadness that you feel is reflecting on the length of time you were with him.
A ‘normal’ or empath would not do “someone leaving their family, children, and never looking back, not even to inquire how they are” behaviour. Maybe a ‘nose-down’ normal would, certainly a narcissist would.
Of course, it is difficult to ‘compute’ it. You are simply not at that ‘door’ yet along your ‘path’ to full understanding, but you will. One day.
Have you listened to Cross Pollution?
Something I have had to consider with regards to myself. I listened to it yesterday for the first time.
Might be worth considering AV. That’s a long time to feel sad.
Truthseeker, yes, I have and it really made sense to me. I do believe that I am affected by it even with ANC. It is part of the equation I am looking at as to how to best proceed. I do forget about it sometimes as I’m processing, thank you for the reminder.
No problem AV xx
‘the knowing looks’ – Yes, between friends (who know each other well ie from school) – sometimes no spoken words needed, just a look exchanged and understood by the other person. Even from across a room. There are times when I found it hard to keep a ‘straight’ face and so can break into a fit of giggles – laughing – and people around would have this expression of ‘why is she laughing?’…..
I understand why narcissists would have a need to have (and retain some) ‘secrets’ as some things can not be talked about – I used to feel / think that way about certain aspects or my past.
One thing for sure (since joining KTN site & reading up on narcissism), I have learned that some secrets are not for sharing with those that do not need to know. Maybe one or two people – that’s it.
Its a good song for a Narcissist