During your seduction if we were not bombarding you with those delicious text messages complimenting you, inviting you out and describing what we would like to do to you in bed that night, then when you answered us you would invariably receive a lightning quick response. This is all part of the conditioning which is part of the seduction see Message Hook .Even if we were driving we managed to rattle off a reply, during a meeting there would be a surreptitious response texted from underneath the desk or boardroom table and what about those late night messages which made you smile and think about us? Yes, we were ensconced in our bolt hole be it the study or a silent trip to the bathroom or even we lay in bed texting you as the outgoing primary source slept beside us oblivious to what was going on. Heady and exciting times indeed.
All of that has now changed. You send a text and there is no response. You send another. No answer. You issue another text. Still no reply. You know of no reason why we cannot respond, in fact you checked we would be around this morning and we said that we would. We used to answer at any time. Your pleasant enquiries soon take on the tone of concern, irritation, hurt and anger as every time you send one there is no response from us. Why does this happen?
There are a number of factors involved in our behaviour when we are not answering your text messages and this includes what type of appliance you are, the stage you are in during the narcissistic cycle and what school of narcissist that you are dealing with.
The Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”)
The most likely form of appliance which asks the question as to why he or she is not replying to the text messages.
It is extremely rare for us not to answer your text messages during seduction. As I have described above, anytime, anyplace and anywhere we will be looking to text you and respond to your messages as part of the love-bombing seduction. It is worth pointing out that this period is not the initial stages of the seduction (you will be an Intimate Partner Secondary Source or Non-Intimate (so far) Secondary Source at that stage, but rather as the seduction has progressed and we have made you our primary source, we continue to embed and bind you to us as part of the golden period. We want to receive your glorious positive fuel and our ‘phone will be about our person as we are loving, caring and attentive. If we do not reply during seduction it is probably because we are grappling an alligator and cannot reach the ‘phone or we have been kidnapped and our hands and feet are tied and our head restrained so we cannot prod the ‘phone with our nose. Yes, it needs to be that extreme to stop us from answering during seduction.
This is where the failure to reply to you is deliberately imposed by our narcissism. With Lesser and Mid-Range it is an instinctive response and with Greater and Ultra it is calculated. The Lesser or Mid Range is allowed by the narcissism to think the lack of response is justified because you are irritating, needy, smothering or that we are busy with something else and should not be disturbed. The Lesser and Mid-Range are unaware that the actual reason they are not replying is to assert control over you and in some instances to also draw fuel. The Greater and Ultra know the actual reason this is being done.
We invariably know that you are messaging us because we are rarely without our ‘phone which is the mission control of our operations.
If we read your messages, we gain fuel from what you have written and we do not respond which is us asserting control through the Third Assertion of Control.
We may have our ‘phone in our pocket and the repeated buzz as you message us is felt. We may look once to confirm that it is you trying to get in touch with us and then we deposit the ‘phone away once again. This is because we are busy seducing somebody else, busy gaining fuel from another source. It does not have to necessarily be somebody who we are trying to bed or recruit to become the new primary source. It might be our inner circle secondary source friends who were are drinking with and thus we are triangulating you with them. They do not know you are messaging, but we do. Accordingly, we gain fuel from the proximity of our inner circle friends whilst the repeated vibration of the ‘phone gives us Thought Fuel as we envisage you becoming more and more frustrated with our failure to answer you. Again, we do not answer and do not even read the message, which means we are asserting control over you by ignoring you through the Third Assertion of Control.
Alternatively, our ‘phone will be on display. We might be on our own, watching a film, wanting to stay away from you as we dole out this silent treatment. We may alternatively be with other people. Those other people could be inner or outer circle friends, it could be a secondary source which we are busy seducing in order to recruit them as your replacement. We have the ‘phone on display so we can see that it is you who is messaging us and we can see all or part of your messages. This enables us to gain fuel from seeing the emotional content of your messages as you plead with us, insult us, exhibit hurt or concern. If we are alone, giving you a silent treatment from some bolt hole, we gain fuel and feel our power reinforced. Once again, by ignoring you, we are asserting control over you through the application of the Third Assertion of Control.
If we are with other people they may see your name keep flashing up and even be able to see part of the message. We are also triangulating. We need to assert control over you and over the other party.This provides us with an opportunity to gain extra fuel from the reactions of those who are with us. If the people indicate they have seen the message or pass comment we will reply:-
“See what I mean about her trying to spoil my nights out with you guys, she is such a control freak.” (You are ignored which is asserting control over you AND we smear you to our friends and when they agree with us, we gain fuel from them, assert control over them directly and also (from our perspective) assert control over you indirectly.
“What can I say dudes? She is just totally obsessed with me, but who can blame her?”
“Who is Rachel? Oh that’s some obsessive ex. Don’t worry about her, she does this all the time. I don’t block her because then she would start stalking me in person again, it is easier to let the ‘phone take the strain.”
“Who is Emma? This is the nutjob I am trying to finish with and as you can see she won’t let go. Anyway, I don’t want to talk about her, tell me more about your favourite films and let me get you another drink.”
“Who is Joanne? I dated her a couple of times. As you can tell she is rather keen on me by how often she is messaging me.”
Thus you are often smeared to the other appliances and their reactions provide fuel. It is also done to encourage the prospective replacement to work harder to gain our attention as per the final comment above. All of the above examples allow us to assert control over the third party and over you.
You receive a silent treatment through our failure to respond, we gain fuel from seeing your messages and if we are triangulating you we will gain fuel from the other appliance or appliances that we are with. It is all calculated when committed by the Greater or Ultra, instinctive for all other schools of narcissist.
There may be occasions where we will purposefully read the messages. This is not only done to derive fuel from them but is carried out where we know you will know that we have read the message. We can envisage you getting more and more worked up as you know we are reading but clearly not replying. This provides further fuel and allows our devaluation of you to be made loud and clear to you. We gain both Proximate and Thought Fuel.
When we do eventually reply be it hours or days later it is done to gather more fuel from you and to assert control over you. Invariably your response is one of relief and delight that we have got in touch and we receive a blast of positive fuel. If it is hurt or anger then we receive negative fuel instead. We may not give you any explanation as to why we have not responded deeming you not worthy of one, (lack of accountability)such is our arrogance. Alternatively, our explanation is framed around your response. If you are giving us positive fuel we will trot out some excuse about not being able to use the ‘phone, the ‘phone being broken etc (see the excuses listed in Being Mobile ) These explanations may sound plausible and even if they do not, you are likely to be too relieved and delighted we are back in touch to make an issue about it (something we rely on). Do not accept those explanations. They are all lies. They are said to avoid accountability and the truth is the failure to respond was completely deliberate, either unconsciously or consciously so. If you are giving us negative fuel, then we will blame you for the reason we did not respond in order to provoke you further and gain yet more negative fuel, saying that we needed some space, that you never leave us alone, that you are always trying to control us and such like.
In terms of the type of narcissist who fails to reply to the text messages, the fact is this form of manipulation is used by all of the schools of narcissism. The Lesser is most likely to ignore you completely. He will have gained fuel from the institution of the silent treatment (although the silent treatment is not one of his favoured methods of manipulation) but rather the failure to respond is representative of the compartmentalisation which we engage in ( see Compartment Store ) and the Lesser has closed the door on you (for the time being) as he focusses on dealing with somebody else. Given his lower cognitive function and lower energy levels, he is less likely to juggle two people in the instant and therefore he would rather not be bothered by you at all as he concentrates on drawing fuel from another source, especially that which is being recruited to replace you.
The Mid-Ranger’s favourite method of manipulation is the silent treatment and therefore he will make repeated use of not answering texts in order to control you, make you feel inferior, assert his superiority in this passive aggressive manner and most of all of course to gain fuel. He is most likely to keep the ‘phone in his pocket as he seeks to seduce a propsective primary source, savouring the vibrations and taking the occasional glance when the target has gone to the bar or to the bathroom. He will have the ‘phone on display when he is alone, delighting in reading your messages and will also make use of allowing you to know he has read the message and still has not replied. Where Lower Mid Range, Middle Mid Range Type A or Middle Mid Range Type B, he is less likely to be so brazen as to have the ‘phone on display so others can comment on it as his narcissism will be wary of damaging control over the other parties. The Upper Mid-Range Narcissist´s narcissism is less concerned by such a risk, his arrogance being greater.
The Greater will revel in having the phone in a prominent position, lighting up and beeping, glancing at it and ensuring that if he is with other people then they see that he is in demand and it allows him to engage in triangulation. It appeals to the sense of superiority and string-pulling that we can demonstrate that someone is trying to get in contact with us and we can brush it off, dismiss it and explain it away as we rope somebody else in and they accept what we are saying without question, allowing us to note that our charm and manipulative guile remain at the top of their game.
The Ultra will even share information about what is on the phone, entirely confident that this will not threaten the control over the third party, but rather allow that control to be increased by making the appliance that is being seduced feel as if they are a confidante to the Ultra´s world, being allowed to know that the devalued IPPS is needy, annoying and clingy, to invite this appliance to prove that they are not those things and thus distinguish themselves. They try harder in the full knowledge of what the Ultra is doing.
If your messages are not being answered there is next to no doubt that you are being manipulated and this is entirely for our benefit.
Part Two examines the reason why text messages are not answered when dealing with Non Intimate Secondary Sources, Intimate Partner Secondary Sources and Dirty Secret Intimate Partner Secondary Sources.