The Altruistic Narcissist

12 thoughts on “The Altruistic Narcissist

  1. lickemtomorrow says:

    Well, that’s a pretty shitty video to start out the New Year … hate to say it.

    Like all things narcissism it’s shitty because it robs altruism of its true nature.

    Goddam. If nothing else, the truth will set you free.

    The new year is going to be confrontational for me.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Not really, because it is not altruism therefore it cannot rob altruism of its true nature.

      1. lickemtomorrow says:

        Thank you, HG. I needed that clarification.

    2. A Victor says:

      Hi LET, thank you for your comment. I think I had an entirely different take on this video. I’ve been pouting this holiday season at being without a significant other, everyone else has one, you know. But this video actually made me feel better about my state of singleness, better than being with a narcissist. And it allows me to let them go even more because it shows me even more their true selfishness and lack of concern for me. I am more glad than ever to be rid of them.

      1. A Victor says:

        Hi again LET, okay, so I’m also going through a bit of, ugh, frustration bordering on anger that I spent so many years on what someone here called one of the “twattiest of twats”, because of his supposed altruistic behaviors along with my own desire to see them as such and not look at the crap he also did as a result. Maybe I’m where you are too. Ugh. How are we supposed to separate that? They “look” so good sometimes but they’re actually so fk-ing bad. It makes focusing on what they say vs what they do a moot point. Right now I feel like punching that bastard for his lies and thievery. It will calm again I suppose, once I assimilate my new knowledge of the situation. But right now it is not a good place to be. Altruistic narcissist = oxymoron.

        1. lickemtomorrow says:

          Hi AV, I appreciate your comments in relation to this video and also my comment.

          This one put me in an “ugh” headspace because I want to see the good in people and trust others are coming from a place of honesty and decency and a belief that their altruism is real. I don’t like being conned and not all of it is necessarily a con as we can appreciate that even though it is transactional in nature for the narcissist, it is still doing some good in the world. I’m thinking more of the charitable nature of some of their work and its reach.

          Then we have the other side of the coin where it is a con being used as part of the facade and the underbelly is much dark but remains hidden due to the effectiveness of the facade. I think it is this underbelly that you are referring to and the damage it can cause. While all looks good on the surface, all is not so good in reality. But we suck it up and play along, wanting to believe in and even bolstering the facade, sometimes with an awareness that the altruism prevents us from ever punching a hole in it. Maybe that is where this “ugh” is coming from for you.

          I also have a very active imagination. This means a dose of reality doesn’t always go down well with me. When I am confronted with it, I baulk. I have let myself imagine things and suddenly find myself brought down to earth with a thud! One of the reasons I said I think this coming year will be confrontational, or rather confronting, for me. As if Covid didn’t do enough to bring us all back to earth with a thud, and 2020 certainly did that for me, I’m going to have to leave those dreams and imaginings buried going into 202 .

          1. A Victor says:

            Ah, I see, I think… You were looking at it with a bigger perspective. Thank you for clarifying. I have also had a big dose of reality and feel like I’m landing with a thud, not pleasant but I’m hoping will be good further out, after some time to process and get my head around it, you understood where my ugh is coming from.

            Don’t we all want to be able to trust people and believe they’re coming from a place of honest and decency, especially as empaths I think this is true. And we are conned by the seeming altruism both big picture and closer to home. I am learning that, for me at least, I have to enter every interaction with my guard up and be very alert to indications that point toward narcissism. I have been able to hibernate for much of the last year but that may be coming to an end and I don’t feel ready, it just feels like it will be scary and overwhelming, it is so contrary to my nature to think this way. Anyway, thank you for your response. And Happy New Year!

          2. lickemtomorrow says:

            Happy New Year to you, too, AV 🙂

            Yes, I think it was the bigger picture element of altruism I was focused on for my part, but I can also relate to the closer to home variety. My ex-husband had the ‘house devil/street angel’ persona and was looked up to by innumerable people. I had no idea of his reach in that sense when I met him, but it certainly didn’t allow for any punching of holes in the facade. No one could comprehend the unloving and unsupportive husband and father he was because they were all hanging on his coat tails. When an odd one was occasionally confronted with my angst (such as my refusal to attend a Christmas dinner on our first Christmas due to him deserting me on Christmas Eve and coming home drunk in the early hours) they were generally a trusted Lieutenant who helped to paper over the cracks in his favour. That happened so fucking often and I wasn’t necessarily the bad guy in their eyes, but he most certainly was never going to be held accountable. It’s frustrating and infuriating. Always someone to cover up. Enablers of the facade. Minions.

            It’s tough confronting the realities, AV. I get cross thinking about it, too.

            And I get cross at my loss when I know others are spending Christmas with a loving supportive partner which for the most part has been denied to me, both in my marriage and my most recent relationship. I have my kids who I love and they love me. But every now and again I’d like to think there was still a chance that I could have that someone who would be there for me and vice versa. Empty nesting brings that reality into sharp focus and in some ways the need to get out there again. I’m hoping you will feel more ready when the time comes and it’s definitely challenging. Once bitten, twice shy and all that. I, too, have been hibernating. So I can understand your reluctance to dip your toe in the water again. I’m not ready yet.

            Let’s hope with all the knowledge we now have under our belt and the option for consultation, along with the support we get here, that we’ll get through it OK when the time comes. I can’t imagine where I’d be now if it wasn’t for HG. I would not be weaponized at all and still floundering around trying to work out what went wrong, likely responding to hoovers and jumping back into a bad situation. We’re in a much better place when you think of it that way. The only way is up, AV xox

        2. lickemtomorrow says:

          Oops, posted before I was done!

          I was going to say 2021 to finish up.

          No chance to edit so I hope it makes sense. If not, I’ll be back with an update.

        3. A Victor says:

          Hey LET, finally got back to this thread. Thanks for sharing the snippet of your life with your ex, it helps put things in perspective sometimes. Mine was not using/drinking for most of our time together which helped some things. He also had a lot of fun with birthdays and holidays, loved gift giving and was thoughtful about it, was always present though sometimes kind of stole the limelight, haha. So in some ways my life was not so bad. I think there was a significant amount of the Stepford devaluation that was going on and for him, as long as it looked good to the world, it was good. So we had some benefit from that, I think. Even though on the inside I was dying a slow, torturous death knowing that it was not all what it appeared to be, not by any stretch of the imagination.

          I have no plans to date for a very long time, if ever. I do hope that I come to a point where I feel like I could, if it became an option, but I will not go looking for it again. No, rather I was referring to just getting back out in public with people in general, I may be looking at a new job soon for example, that would not be working from home as my current one is. Stuff like that, I just don’t feel strong right now. Probably a result of the whole covid thing as well as the narcissist element, who knows. Hopefully it won’t be horrible.

          You are correct about where else we could be, I would likely be in Florida being fed to an alligator soon had I not found this site, so, yes, there is only up to go! Thank you for that reminder!

          1. lickemtomorrow says:

            OMG to the alligator, AV 😛 I think we were all headed for the swamp before we got here!

            Happy to see your sense of humour is intact <3

            And I see you've touched on some other memories which help to take the edge off the mostly negative experiences with the narc. We need something to sustain us.

            Getting out into the world again is a good first step when you are ready. I wasn't looking for my guy when I found him, or rather he found me, so I'm back to square one on that. I just know to be cautious if/when someone approaches me. And Covid has likely given us all some time out to regroup. It might be the one thing I am grateful for in relation to that situation. Hopefully we are all rebuilding our strength here in the meantime- in fact I'm sure we are – and that will translate into being able to move forward at our own pace in the future. It has to be better than the past we have left behind xox

  2. Asp Emp says:

    Very interesting video. When I went through it, I was reminded of narcissists of the past. Where they pretended to be generous and ‘kind’ with whatever they were doing, for example, buying lunch or paying for drinks for everyone. It was not what they were doing that was the “true act of charity” – it was for the benefit of ‘fuel’ and ‘control’. Fuel for others saying ‘thanks’, ‘oh, what a generous person’, ‘oh, that is kind of you’ (when it is – in reality – a ‘false’ kindness). In the view of ‘control’ – they are controlling the ‘situation’, the ‘people’ around them.

    This video also reminds me of an event. One of the higher-ups at work (FFS). It was an Xmas meal that the company “decided” to “treat” the staff and the select few volunteers. I was such a volunteer. The staff at my table paid (I contributed, of course, NOTHING IS FREE!) for bottles of wines – they were not that cheap but FFS, I am in a room full of other organisations as well as the piss-takers I worked for, for free, fucking wankers. Now, I had consumed enough wine to have the gall and the fucking balls to have a ‘go’ at this muvverfucking higher-up. I told her that she did not give valuation to volunteers, she did not praise them, she did not acknowledge the work they did and all of that – I fucking gave it to her on a fucking plate. Guess What. She has “tears” in her eyes. FFS. I now know that they were ‘false’ – to give me a “message” to ‘stop right there, you are upsetting me’. Ah, fuck off.

    In the New Year, she comes to the office and wants to have a “chat” with me. LOL. I refused to give in to her “you don’t remember what you said to me that night?”. WTF. I am not going to admit to a fucking bitch like her. So I didn’t. I maintained ‘ignorance’. LOL. She gave up when I said “If I said something to offend you, then I apologise”. Seriously, fuck off, bitch.

    Do you know what?! Seriously. Fucking bitch says to me that the CEO bought a bottle of wine for our table at this meal. I said, “No, he didn’t. We paid for our own wine”. She had carried her purse around but didn’t buy us a drink. When my main course arrived – I had ordered lamb & veg. What arrived on the plate……. hello? It looked like fucking dog food, literally, in the shape of a tin of dog food served on a plate. I was fucking mortified. I volunteer my time, my effort and I get an upturned tin of fucking dog food on a plate for my “christmas” dinner. FFS.

    I could write a fucking book about this “so-called-altruistic-organisation” that “professes” to help people with vulnerable disabilities / learning disabilities. It is all a F.A.C.A.D.E. Right now, I am in the mood to fucking write this book….. fucking twats. There are a number of people who would contribute to this ‘book’ too. Those people will not hold back. Those are the ones that left the organisation. All because, it is run and managed by narcissists. Not all the Board Members are narcissists though, I know that. For a fact.

    They would kick themselves, for letting me go. Because of my genuine honesty & my knowledge.

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