This Mindset Equals Victory
199 thoughts on “This Mindset Equals Victory”
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at this point I just don´t care anymore , I don´t want to be someones ´´entertainment´´ , cut narcissists off when I see the first redflag over it ! completely
I came across this site – it has nothing to do with narcissism. And, I have not joined this site. Has anyone else come across it? Mindvalley.com. Have a look at their site and decide for yourself.
HG, I’m lying in bed reading your work and listening to your audio videos. While my other half is away, I’m bringing you to bed with me. (Shush).
I know you hate ‘soppy stuff’, but I’m feeling overwhelmed with emotions tonight. All good emotions for you.
I am so thankful to you for all your brilliant, excellent advice. You have helped thousands of people. You have no idea, how just reading one of your articles or listening to one of your audio videos helps massively.
You have helped me immensely and I am so grateful to you and always will be for that. You devote countless hours to answering questions and advising everyone on all aspects of your kind.
Thank you. 💗
I’m at the point that even the thought of receiving apology from them is so bland that I actually hope that I don’t receive one and we can just continue to live our separate lives. And that the thought doesn’t even come up naturally.
Mommypino, my ex never apologized, not once in 24 years. My mother always apologizes and it’s always a manipulation. Separate lives, the best route to go, I agree.
The opposite of love is not hate It is indifference
Francine, I agree. When you hate a person you used to love, it’s still a passion, there are still feelings for them. When you truly feel nothing is when you know you don’t love them anymore.
Agree…but to purge it when it is so fierce….so hard…and the addiction is on both sides in this situation…even so much as to risk the new intimate primary source by texting right in front of the primary source and telling the intimate primary source ..” I just can’t get over her… I do believe certain one’s of these kinds can get addicted to the empath as well. At least this has been the experience
I prefer Entity instead of It.
Z.E.R.O Impact viewed as a Zero Entity Retention Objective?
And being achievable.
NA,
If you say entity, we’re hurtling into Jezebel spirit territory! We know how that goes.
Pea soup all over the place.
I refuse to allow that crackpot community to own the word.
Definition of entity (Merriam Webster)
1: BEING, EXISTENCE
especially : independent, separate, or self-contained existence
2 : something that has separate and distinct existence and objective or conceptual reality:
I just like it better than IT, in the same way I prefer Target to Victim. To each their own.
Fine, I’ll go with Basket.
They’re empty vessels save for what you put into them.
They can be cheap or elaborate.
They can hide a lot of shit.
Their lids are easily flipped.
They’re good for a load.
And I think we can all agree they’re a real picnic.
Basket. Final answer.
Now there’s a new thought for the old saying “basket case”. I like it
I had a really cute dog called basket.
(Kidding !)
“Basket. Final answer.”
Haha – awesome.
Exorcism!
“Pea soup all over the place.”
Pahaha!
As I was reading through this video, when you started talking about ‘appliances’, (HG, you know how I think at times)…. I started laughing because when, say, one of my household appliances is not functioning properly, I start shouting at it….. why? Why am I shouting at it? It is not a living thing. It is not logical yet an emotional response from me to my “faulty appliance”.
Then again, I suppose I can understand and appreciate the mind-sets of the narcissists of my past when their “appliance” (me) was not “functioning” in their perception. Yet, as my experiences at their ‘treatment’ of me was not acceptable in my perception.
When you suggest that we (as listeners / readers of this particular video) – to see the narcissist as a ‘thing’ – that is precisely how I view the ones in my past. I mentioned it in another thread the other day – there is nothing I have in my house belonging to any of them, or view anything that was mother’s – no sentimental attachments.
I would have loved the chance of putting up post-it-notes ‘the narcissist does not exist’ around the work place – damn, missed my opportunity by well over a year.
This video (in my opinion) is one of the best I have seen you do, HG.
Asp Emp, the piece of how we kick the malfunctioning appliance struck me as well, it gave a good insight into their thinking about us. Most interesting.
Yes it is a good video.
PS- I don’t kick my appliances. Just saying.
I do – into my garage…… laughing…… it’s a faulty appliance…..
I’m afraid I have mixed feelings about this. The single piece I don’t agree with. Don’t get me wrong, I can see the thinking behind it, but I disagree with that thinking. In fact, it has made me angry.
The first part, I’m good with, eradication. Yep, get that, understood, fully agree. I can feel the benefit of that application for myself and others instrumental in my recovery thus far.
The second part, to view the narcissist as a thing, as an it. No. Thank you, but no. I hate the narcissist being described as an ‘it’. I don’t even like the phrase ‘what I am’. No, not what, who. I can live with that for the purposes of articles and explanations but the ‘it’, I reject that.
I think Zero impact can be achieved for some, not all empaths. I think it largely depends on trait make up and empathic to narcissistic ratios and percentages. So I object to the Zero impact as being the indicator of freedom, or ‘success’. I don’t think it is achievable for all so some empaths will perceive that as a falling short or a failure.
I do not regard my narcissist as an ‘it’. I do not regard you HG as an ‘it’. That sets my teeth on edge to be frank. I am not a narcissist, I do not compartmentalise, dehumanise, devalue, or degrade. That’s your choice, easy to do given absence of emotional empathy. What about the empaths and codependents sitting at the high end of the empathy scale? You don’t know how that feels, you understand it, but you don’t feel it.
I haven’t achieved zero impact. I likely won’t achieve it. Certainly not if I have to dehumanise to do it. I agree with everything else I have read or listened to but not this. I am at the limit of my recovery I think. It has been 7.5 months No Contact. This is as good as it gets, for me at least. I think it’s realistic. I think it’s manageable. I think I held on to my humanity. Life goes on.
I’m not a narcissist. I can’t be turned into one.
Bad review. Best stick me in the naughty corner, Asp would only break me out of the dungeon anyway.
Powerful statement.
Hello TS, I read your comment and I understand your thoughts. I don’t necessarily disagree with you – because I have stated in my comments that narcissists are people. So, in some way, I am contradicting myself. We all do, in one way or another. That is human nature (in my opinion).
You may be right, not all empaths may be able to achieve ‘zero impact’ when it comes to narcissists in their past. I have been able to do this, in fact, when my friend (Xmas Eve – 5 min visit outside my front door) mentioned ‘it’ to me, I ‘deflected’ by saying something like “as soon as you have started your new job, I would go NC with all of them”.
In my opinion, HG is right because we, empaths, are not tvs or washing machines etc. I would always view HG as a person – never as an ‘it’. That would never happen.
Having said that, I reckon Ronald McDonald has a dual personality and the one that appears in scary places is one to the be worried about 😉
Erm, I’d consult with HG in relation to whether I should assist you in getting out of the dungeon, HG may not let me out either (laughing)…..
Truth. Ronald Mc Donald not to be trusted. The creepometer went off the scale when Ronald graced our screens.
Hang on,
You would consult with HG to decide whether or not you should bust me out of the dungeon?! Is it just me spotting the deliberate mistake here?!
I was relying on you Asp….
( ha ha, xx)
Yes, correct, that clown was creepy as hell. I was also referring to the film called ‘It’…. another clown with a red balloon….
Yes, I would consult with HG. Because, if I helped you out of the dungeon, he’d fling me in there for doing so! Maybe he wouldn’t.
So, I think we need to “good” (for a bit anyway 😉 )
Asp,
Laughing now. See? I even reject the Stephen King version!
Ok, I will endeavour to be good.
Could you DHL me a duvet, some Revels and a case of Red Bull though please? This corner is draughty, the food isn’t up to much and I’m probably best off planning for the worse case scenario.
TS,
Laughing….. laughing……. actually, I think I’ll need my duvet, so I’ll hang onto that for now….. I may have a spare one somewhere…. I’ll wrap up and get warm with some Tudor Tales….. enjoy your Revels 😉
TS, I disagree with you. Zero impact is the only way you realize you are free because you don’t give a fuck anymore whether the narc is alive or dead and it can be achieved by everyone if you apply NC correctly, regardless of your school and cadre. You telling yourself you can’t and won’t ever achieve it is already an indication that you have to fight your ET. Objectifying the narcissist helps you stop projecting emotions around that person and thus, helps you detach from him/ her. But you have a right to not like the video, I just don’t understand why you don’t believe you or others will never achieve that objective. It can be achieved.
Correct.
Hey SP,
I’m glad you have achieved Zero Impact. I think many empaths will. I also think the passage of time feeds into that too.
Not meaning to suggest that it can’t be attained for most, just not for all. Not all of us have the same stories entanglements and devaluations. Comparatively, my devaluation was a walk in the park, if in fact it even was a proper devaluation. That’s just my personal view. I expected ET to be called on that one. Not the case but I can see why it would be viewed that way.
The eradication of the narcissist through No Contact I agree with. Learning about narcissism through HG’s accurate work ensures the realisation that empaths come off worst as far as entanglements go. I agree with all of the work surrounding that and the deletion of past narcissists from your life to achieve healing and reduced ET, which actually is the majority of the video.
However, I wholeheartedly disagree with objectification as a concept. Again a personal view. That’s a narcissist trick in my book. Black and white thinking feeds into that too. I don’t think in black and white at all. This poses me a problem, several problems. At what point do I classify a narc as an ‘it’. First time he raises his voice? First time he shoves me out of the way? First time my kids run in and hide behind me because he yelled? Does that constitute ‘it’ ? If so which bit? When? I can tell you I experienced all three with a non narc. So is the non narc ‘it’ as well? Or just narcs? Who gave me power to judge if someone is to be objectified with a side of dehumanisation? That implies I am better than he, him or her. Am I? By whose standards? My empathic perspective? Because it’s the majority perspective? My perspective is the right one? Are we sure?
Is HG an‘ it’ as well? Or is it just my narc? Because he was personal. Because if my narc is an ‘it’, then surely I have to class your narc as an ‘ it’ as well and so on. Where did the compassion go? Narcissism is just a self defence mechanism adopted through a genetic predisposition often paired with a monumentally shit and cruel start to life. That makes them ‘it’? Or are they ‘it’ only when they turn into adults? Claim their first victim perhaps? ‘Someone’ at age 13, relegated to ‘no one’ at 18? Can you reverse the ‘it’ status? What if my narc saved a life today? What if that life was a child’s life? It might ultimately be for self serving motives but the end result remains the same. He saves a life. He’s still an ‘it’ though? I doubt the child’s mother would agree. From her perspective he’s a hero. Whose perspective is the right one? How do we know? Who decides that?
This is why I think you cannot advise me to objectify a person into a non person. I lack the black and white thinking to do so. If my narc is an it, then I am objectifying a lot of people in one move. One in six of them. Narcissism is a disorder. I don’t have to make myself a willing victim to that disorder. I am entitled to protect myself through the implementation of No Contact. That doesn’t mean I am given the right to view them as nothing.
I think in grey because I am an empath not a narcissist. If visualising a person as an it, a nothing and a no one works for some then great. SP to be clear I’m not attacking those that choose to adopt this thought process. I can understand the thinking behind it. From my own viewpoint though, it’s a process I just don’t have the stomach for.
Sorry SP, my apologies for bending your ear Xx. It’s just something that I fundamentally object to.
Hello TS
Thank you for the two comments you have posted. I am really thankful, and I agree with you. I am very pleased that you wrote what you wrote. At the same time, I am slightly ashamed of myself for not reacting as strongly as you have, because I normally would have.
From where I’m at, I do believe that Zero Impact can be achieved through No Contact without having to view the narcissist as an “it”. Viewing a particular group of human beings as “its” poses a moral problem to me.
I believe that we reach zero impact when we no longer fall for any manipulation from any narcissist and simply walk away when we come across a new one, but objectification of a whole group of human beings, or even only those we have loved, is at best not necessary. In my case I actually think it would be damaging to my psyche. I do not wish for any of the narcissists I have known to die, and their death has not left me and will not leave me indifferent.
If calling their narcissist an “it” is necessary for some people in order to free themselves, then all right. But I agree with TS that it is not a necessity for all of us.
I can call my non-parents “genitors”, because they didn’t deserve to be called parents, but they remain ‘people’ – people that I am sorry I ever had to deal with, people I do not like, just like narcex and a few others. But the fact they saw me as an “it” makes me wary of viewing them as an “it” too.
And HG can certainly never be an “it” to me either.
Hey Fiddleress xx ( one for each cheek, saw your post on the other thread!)
Likewise, I’m so glad you commented. Your description of Zero Impact feels like something I can achieve. Your views about ex and familial narcs also something I can fully relate to.
There is no getting away from the fact that narcissists are a very real threat to us as empaths. An ensnarement will only ever end one way. Painfully. Parents don’t deserve the title of parent just because they created you. Similarly, and irrespective of the moral question here, with all we have learned about how narcissists are formed, I can’t dehumanise them and I can’t honestly say I would be indifferent if the narcissist came to harm. That doesn’t mean I need to serve myself up on a silver platter though . As you say, get out, don’t fall for the manipulations of someone who will never care for you. Protect yourself from future ensnarement. Your whole mindset I find just and achievable. I feel better, thank you.
Glad you feel better, TS.
And thanks for the xx on the cheeks, I needed that!
TS, “At what point do I classify a narc as an ‘it’.” In my opinion, as soon as you start your plan to GOSO. “Is HG an‘ it’ as well?” HG is not my narc. I didn’t have a relationship with him and he has never treated me poorly. He hasn’t made me feel like I was gonna break in thirty pieces inside or that my life was utterly destroyed, so I don’t need to objectify him though I don’t need to familiarize him either. He is not “my HG,” or my husband, or my dad, or my lover. To me he is the biggest expert on narcissism and a successful author publishing under a pseudonym. I don’t have any attachments to him other than purely intellectual curiosity, hence, I don’t need to adopt any strategy to detach my feelings from him. On the contrary, I don’t feel bad “it-ing” my narc. He’s a pestilent, repulsive somatic entitled piece of shit who almost ruined my life and doesn’t think about anything other than his penis and his abs. It is not black and white thinking, it’s called survival mode. At some point the little gazelle has to learn that feeling compassion for the lion is gonna get her killed. You can’t feel sorry for a predator when you are his dinner menu. To me ,my narc is zero, null, a black hole without substance that absorbs everything beautiful that floats around him and destroys it. He is not a real person to me, and therefore, I choose to save my empathy for those who really deserve it, not for a self-indulging robot in a permanent “destroy” mission. You don’t need to apologize for expressing your opinion to me, TS, never. I respect it and understand your view, that above was mine.
Logic
I have the best sensei.
SP, as I said in another comment, if seeing the narc as an ‘it’ is necessary for some people, then by all means. Personally, I prefer HG’s metaphore whereby you see narcissists as radioactive. This totally works for me. They are a danger zone. The only solution is to remain distant from personal narcissists physically and mentally, psychologically, emotionally, sentimentally. And professionally too, when possible.
I know that I will not change now: I cannot start seeing the narcissists I have known as objects. Anyone I come into contact with, I cannot help but form a bond of sorts with them. Even when it is only in writing. The bond is more or less strong, and feels more or less comfortable depending on the persons, but there is one. That is how I am, for better or for worse. And I get by in the end.
Everyone leaves a mark on my life, no matter what the nature of the relationship was/is. I come to bear those marks as painless scars, when I have had to keep the persons out of my life; but seeing the people who left them as objects would be akin to cutting off one of my limbs, or part of my heart.
About HG – I agree with the sheer intellectual curiosity for the greatest expert on narcissism. Doing my very best to keep it only at that level as far as I’m concerned, haha.
Well yes, the objectifying is purely performative; it could be anything that works best for any of us but the end point must be to detach. Notice I not only did this to detach from my “lover” narc. I work with another narc, I think he’s either a victim or a MRN. It has taken me a lot of trial and error, plus HG’s manual to handle narcs at work to learn to detach from him as well. Sometimes he is absolutely nerve wrecking and I want to punch him in his idiotic face, but then I use the “it” method, which does not really consist on thinking he’s an object, but rather, that he is annoying as fuck because IT makes him be. IT being the infinite vacuum that is at the core of his non-existence, which he must fill with others’ emotions lest he gets sucked in by it and disappear. It helps me calm down and show him that I am unaffected by whatever shit he thinks is gonna make me jump. Ommmm…
About HG: it helps we don’t know what he looks like. The clue is to imagine behind that seductive voice is Danny DeVito hahaha.
Hahaha to Danny De Vito, SP!
I like how you expanded on your use of ‘it’, I totally get it.
Good on you for managing to remain unaffected by the workplace narc. I honestly think the head of the college where I work is a narc too, but she has no real power over me (heads are not the employers here, the State is). She does try to pass unpleasant comments whenever she can, but she does it with everyone and she is hugely disliked by the whole staff, so it doesn’t get to me. I actually enjoy being contrarian with her when she tries to annoy me, haha! The word salads she invariably serves are comical (I find them comical because I can recognise what they are, now).
Anyway, I have made up my mind to either change jobs or places to do the same job, if possible later this year. And that will be another narc down the drain. Though I guess they are everywhere.
Fiddleress, are you an educator? And yes I am trying my best to change jobs too, mostly because I miss working with colleagues that have ambition and a passion for intellectual knowledge. This guy is like stagnant water. It’s very depressing to work with him, he never wants to innovate, hardly ever has any ideas, and doesn’t investigate so I just do my own research on the side and never tell him anything because he gets jealous. I hate this pandemic with all my heart, but at least I don’t have to see the narcs in my life for the time being, ha!
SP, yes I teach English in a college (the English meaning of ‘college’: the students are the equivalent of 6th formers studying to take their baccalauréat/end of High School exam, or what’s left of it as it is being stripped away by the latest reform of education).
I also do a few hours at university, but my main job is at the college.
Colleagues with ambition and a passion for intellectual knowledge: exactly what I crave! Can we meet up and start something, perhaps?? Seriously though, I don’t blame my colleagues because after the last two disastrous education reforms over the past 8 years, our hands and creativity are tied, and anyone who wants to exercise their ambition and passion for intellectual knowledge has no choice but to quit our education system.
Although the pay has always been the shittiest in Europe for the number of years of studies and the level of proficiency required, I entered this profession because I believed in excellent free education, loved the English language, and what I was supposed to teach (and I was given considerable freedom) suited me perfectly. Until 8 years ago.
I won’t go into detail or I am going to write a whole dissertation here, but my job now is akin to being a chef with a passion for exquisite food and its preparation, who could until recently try to pass on their skill and passion, and who is now mostly required to teach how to boil an egg, or stuff a ready-made meal into a microwave oven, because that’ll do for people to survive. And that chef has to spend A LOT of their time grading the students as they boil their egg or use the microwave. So I am thinking hard of what else I could do, and I do have an idea but with this pandemic, it is not practical just now.
Outside of universities, all places of education remain open here, so I get to ‘see’ masked people all day, and I must say it depresses me (the fact that everyone’s face is half-hidden behind face masks).
Fortunately, I don’t get to see the work place narc every day!
Fiddleress, I am a professor too! I knew I was onto something when I asked you, I could feel it! “Can we meet up and start something, perhaps??” YES. I love collaborating and I am extremely versatile. Do you have any opportunities to participate in professional conferences? I feel revitalized by the intellectual exchange. I totally get your analogy of the chef and the boiled egg. You get training akin to Michelin stars and then you end up serving at Macdonald’s. Hence, my efforts to participate in professional conferences or editing collaborations in publishing volumes, I have two editorial projects coming up. They keep me alive. I must say HG’s readings and information keep my intellectual thirst alive too. It’s not my field, but every time he decides to turn to Literature and read for us I feel a little less dead inside as opposed to so much mediocrity in my workplace. At least, I am working online for the time being which is a privilege in these times. I wish we could collaborate on some project, Fiddleress!!!
Fiddleress, I don’t think HG is moderating these days but it’s the 29th and I wanted you to know I remembered and I am toasting for your narc-free life! Chin chin!
Fiddleress, have you watched the new Netflix show Lupin? It’s pretty awesome. I love everything Omar Sy does, he’s an amazing actor.
Hey SP,
Thank you. I rarely voice a strong opinion in this way, and I do worry that because I am being read rather than in face to face discussion I can appear attacking in tone. Thank you for the recognition.
Your comment does make sense to me. I think I have to bear in mind also that comparatively, I wasn’t impacted by my narc to the same extent as most here were. I was an LDE, hence my fuel didn’t really turn stale. Consequently, no shocking devaluation. No name calling, harsh words, violence or humiliation. I have non of those associations. There were plenty of narc behaviours but I can’t pretend to have suffered in the way most others have. In many ways, my decision to leave is more alike someone leaving during the golden period than during devaluation. I understand his interactions were manipulations. An unconscious quest for the Prime Aims. Fake. I understand I mean nothing to him, he doesn’t miss me, at least not for me. There is no issue with my understanding of his narcissism. There are very few Knowledge Vault items I haven’t read ha ha! I do however have to recognise that given my lack of a horror story, single ensnarement and no familial narcs, my views will be milder.
My decision to cease all interaction was not made out of desperation. He didn’t almost destroy me or almost ruin my life. My decision was based on the confirmation of him being a narcissist. It was a calculated decision not a self preservation decision. One that said, ‘ This man will never love you or care for you and you will never get what you need from that relationship.’ Pointless exercise. There was no point continuing. No option but to let go of it. I’m more like the smoker who gives up, never touches another cigarette, but really wishes they didn’t cause cancer!
My mindset is set differently and bound to influence my views. I had it easy comparatively and I admit that. So I do recognise that others will view the objectification idea differently to me. I’m in no position to question them either. Thank you for listening SP, and for your acceptance of my views xx
TS, I know, written communication can be easily misconstrued, though I totally understood your point, just wanted to encourage you to believe anyone can reach a point where you don’t feel anything for the narc anymore and find peace. Believe it or not, I didn’t have a horror story either. I was a shelf IPSS. He never devalued me or attacked me, in fact he stated very clearly his plan was to maintain a relationship with me -albeit, on his own terms, as I quickly learned. Like you, I realized he was a narc and that he was making me feel like a piece of meat that he used for his convenience, apart from the fact I already felt guilty for cheating on my husband. I escaped while he was away for the summer break and have never turned back. I felt broken inside, though. The horror came later in the shape of hoovers (you name any kind, I got it. Well, maybe not the apparition of my face in the jam hoover, but mostly all the other ones), and the stalking. It hurt me very deeply that I trusted a person I considered my friend for years, that because I’m a stupid love devotee, I created a romantic invention in my head that we were destined to be together despite all obstacles, and in the end, he was just feeding his addiction -I was just one more hit- and I almost ruined my marriage. I will never be able to think of him as a human being. He’s a parasite. You don’t need to compare your experience to others, everyone here had their own experience with a narc and I am sure none of them has been satisfactory or otherwise we wouldn’t be here. Your experience counts as much as the others. ❤️
Sweetest Perfection,
Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I didn’t know anything of your story and I’m truly glad you are fully healed. There are many similarities with my own views of my ensnarement. I too became invested, was fooled into thinking there was a deeper connection, only to find that I was just a fuel source, no more no less. The loss of what might have been, had he not been a narc. The thought that things would be different. Not the case.
I’ve been truly upset by the stories of other readers. Particularly those with narcissists as parents, that one relationship we are supposed to be able to rely on, so comparatively, I tend to feel like a lightweight. My ensnarement did hurt me considerably however, those feelings hard to shake if allowed any air time. So in that sense, yes I deserve to be here. I know you know what I’m getting at here so I’ll quit explaining and say thank you for your support and encouragement xx
You’re welcome, TS. Yes, of course you deserve to be here and I’m glad you are (despite the reason for that being a painful one). I’m using hearts because HG is allowing me to lately ❤️
You’ve internalized the narcissist and you’re gaslighting yourself.
Lisk,
Not entirely sure what that means. I’m thinking it’s not good ha ha!
What I can say. I’ve read pretty much everything in the Knowledge Vault other than HG Mauls, some dark Cupid and the parental, divorce, familial specific pieces which don’t apply to me. I’ve read or listened to these articles several times so I can recommend items accurately to new people arriving on the blog. I read all the articles on here and have listened to everything on the Ultra channel. I’m out, I’m in solid No Contact and have been since May, I’m not going back. I understand how I became ensnared and why. I stand by the logic of my decision to get out and stay out. I understand red flags and how to protect myself against future ensnarement should a narc shuffle across my path going forward. I understand ET, how it works and how to reduce it. I implement and check those methods. I have no familial or social narcs in tow and work from home so I am not at risk of cross pollution. I have no online presence other than on here. My Facebook is very rarely used. My last photo on there was about 6 yrs ago I think. Everything has been purged, everything wiped clean. No communication with ex narc, nor will there be. I’m not foggy, I sleep well, I exercise, I’m a faddy eater, no change there though.
Basically, I’ve done the best I can with it Lisk. I have a plan for the future and accept exactly where that takes me. I’ve made my peace with the whole thing. If I’m gaslighting, internalising or even moon walking, then other than the influence of time passing. I’m afraid that’s as good as it’s going to get!
Truthseeker615- maybe you are a “high bottom” person? In the sense that you see how things are unfolding, and where things are going, and bow out early before it gets to the point of things getting really, really bad?
I can relate to this. Also I can relate to not wanted to be be tit-for-tat. In my case it’s like it almost didn’t really matter though, because I think he got really mixed up and started confusing who said what to him . If you tried to talk to him about his behavior, he saw that as “drama”, even though he was the drama. But apparently if anyone besides him was talking, to him it was “drama”. And I’m usually pretty even tempered in real life, I generally don’t name call or yell or anything like that, so I wondered if maybe his other appliances did, and he just saw us all as one person anyways, so it didn’t matter what I did as an individual in his eyes?
But I escaped this last time (6 months no contact in a couple of weeks), and I can look back on my own behavior and be okay with myself, that I didn’t dissolve into tit-for-tat (I personally really dislike that kind of behavior), or behave like him. Not sure if I’ll ever get to the point of not caring, but I know I have to stay no contact no matter what (this is “abstinence”), because I know where that leads me, and what happens to me emotionally when I break that. I think of mine, and it helps me a little, to think of him as having “emotional rabies”. He’s not well, and interaction with him puts me in harms way. Eventually I will get bit :/. So maybe I still care a little, but no contact at all cost it is.
Wild violet,
What you describe is very much where I’m at. I understand the narcissist is no good for me and know that my ET will soar if I interact with him or any other narcissist. I hate the cloudiness and lack of control that brings with it. So, like you, No Contact is the only solution. You only need to read this blog to see how much pain and devastation is caused when empaths become ensnared. So there is no option to but to disengage.
My ensnarement was online for the most part. It’s possible ‘best sex ever ‘ guy was a narcissist too. I disengaged from him reasonably early and with no adverse effects. Maybe I am a bottom up person and either sidestep narcs to begin with or maybe I ship out early for whatever reason. I’ve ended all my relationships. Difficult to say who ended the ‘relationship’ with the narc. I started No Contact during a Silent Treatment. Let’s say me, ha ha!
Thank you for your comment Wild Violet and for sharing that we are both in a similar place xx
Truthseeker, thank you for sharing your viewpoint. This is interesting, I can see both sides. I think in an effort to minimize/eradicate the effects of the narcissist(s), minimizing their humanity may be a goal to aim for. But, is it actually possible for me to do that and would be the best thing for me, as an empath, if it is possible. I believe it would disrupt the free flow of empathy and that such disruption is a necessary thing to avoid future ensnarement. But to actually think of them as “it”, like they do us, hm… I can separate the behaviors easier, like, they never loved me and I know this because they abused me, therefore I can turn my compassion etc away from them. But thinking of him as an it, that’s another step beyond but may prove to be a necessary one? Thank you again, this is food for thought. I hope HG will expand at some point, has he seen this as damaging to empaths who have already done it? Is our empathy strong enough to prevent it going too far, keeping us from becoming like a narcissist, but useful as a goal for our protection? It would be interesting to learn more about.
AV, you saying “But thinking of him as an it, that’s another step beyond but may prove to be a necessary one?” – interesting. HG’s cognitive empathy allows him to understand how empaths feel / think. He has also done the HG Mauls series. He is doing what other science / medical “professionals” are not – giving the tools for empaths to be empowered – especially in relation to LT & ET ‘realigning’ if you like. I suppose it’s basically ‘turning the tables’ and (in my view) suggesting that we think in a much less emotional way and see our past narcissists as objects instead of people. My words “past narcissists” – I am not necessarily referring to narcissists that you may come across in the future ie at work, in supermarkets etc – you won’t necessarily need to view them as ‘it’ unless they treat you like an ‘it’ (ie as a number instead of as a customer – cos that is how some supermarket managers view people – as numbers, not customers – if you can understand).
I suppose, in some way, it’s like cutting the face out of a photograph of a person.
AV, you will never become a narcissist.
Thanks Asp Emp, I worry about being a narcissist all the time! Seriously! And I’ve done the EDC! But now that I know how they are, if I have any little thought that’s selfish or not nice, I’m like “Oh, no!! I am a narcissist!!!” I have listened to Why do I Behave Like the Narcissist, probably should again, it was helpful.
Your analogy about the photo is very interesting, it makes them meaningless to the photo and thus, to the memory. I just got rid of my photos, except ones to give my kids with their dad. They’re boxed up, I never look at them. Also, I can never think of humans as numbers, that drives me crazy! We are not numbers!! And I love your “realigning” comment! That is what it feels like! And that helps, it’s a good thing.
AV, to be honest with you – I even thought to myself, many times, I must admit – that I thought I was a narcissist, simply because I did. Now, I know I am not.
I worked in retail, hence the ‘numbers’ (or ‘sheep’) as customers were referred as – by my line manager at the time.
Thank you RE: realigning 🙂
AV,
Me too. I can separate the behaviours easier too. I can testify to the effectiveness of No Contact and exorcism is one of my favourite books by HG. I can fully subscribe to all of that. I can support the vast majority of eradication in that sense but in the case of objectification I can’t agree on that specific element. It goes against my nature. People have to do what they think is necessary in their specific circumstances. I can understand that for some, objectification is an option, it’s just not for me.
TS,
Maybe I am blessed, I am very much an out of sight, out of mind kind of person. So, after my husband left, I didn’t think about him much except on rare occasions, there had to be a trigger. I had young kids who kept me busy so there wasn’t a lot of spare time to think. Coming on this site has been a major trigger but it’s all good, it needs to be sorted out and dealt with properly.
TS, I refuse to think of HG as an “It” too. It hurts my heart. Some narcissists, yes. HG, no. My narc, no. My dad, no. The abusive, murdering, felon, yes.
I believe in this mutual it-ing
Haha Witch!
Witch, Who is your avi?
Homelander from the boys
I watched the first episode, loved it! Homelander is okay but Butcher, whew, be still my beating heart!!! That’s as close to porn as I get, looking at someone like him, even fully clothed is just fine! It is so seldom that I find actors attractive that it’s really fun for me when I do! Anyway, thanks for the suggestion!
@A Victor
Glad to hear you’re enjoying the series
And I see that you like rugged bad boys 😉
My ex was a nice (on the eyes) mix between Homelander and Butcher, I will always consider him one of the best looking men ever, during the time we were together. I don’t know how he’s aging.
I have seen the show, and will definitely pass on Homelander. I don’t find him to be handsome. Butcher, however, yum.
#1 was so, so handsome and looked so good in uniform. Yum.
#2 has such terrible teeth that I didn’t want to kiss him; it took several dates. I was in such a bad place when I met him. Yuck!!
Aha! You like bad boys too!! High five!
Bad teeth are the worst! Can’t even. Glad you got rid of both of them!
That made me chuckle Witch!
MB,
A perfect way to put it. It would hurt my heart too. Thank you for your comment. Xx
Yes TS, The HG ET of the Tudorite is eternal!
MB! Haha your cuteness makes me laugh.
Tudorites to the end! Xx
MB, FM1T,
Did you get the tattoo? I got the tattoo. Just not on my ankle! Ha ha xx
I most certainly did TS! Xx
TS, you were serious about the tattoo?! I looked up the symbol of course for my research, but was joking about getting it. I do have three small tattoos. If I was going to get one similar to that, it would be delta, the symbol for change. When HG wrote the NXIVM piece, I thought of ‘Pawn’ and the tattoo. The “cultness” of that piece is what I never wanted to bring up. I was waiting for somebody else to say it first. Did you really get the tattoo? I can’t tell if you’re kidding or not. If you’re serious, HG may have a fuelgasm over it! Ha ha
Wait, what?
Tattoos?
What happened?
Z, we’re referring to an element in ‘Pawn’ of the Dark Cupid series. Did you listen to that one? I thought the ladies were joking about we’d all be going to get tattoos. Apparently, they were serious. I did ask HG if he’d be selling the stencil at The House of Tudor. All in the name of uniformity!
Speaking of…I need to pop over to The HOT to see if there’s any new blazing Ultra merch! If not, I bet it’s in hand.
MB,
A fuelgasm eh? Great word.
I suddenly understand that feeling of power I heard so much about 😉
I thought about the cult element too. It wasn’t lost on me either. We need to revisit Dark Cupid I think. It’s gone quiet and there was lots still to talk about. I need to listen to the ones I have over again. It’s been a while since I thought about them.
TS, yes! Fuelgasm is a thing. The narcissist gets sexually aroused from extremely potent fuel.
https://youtu.be/W3-MAN5oH3s. Listen around the 12:30 mark.
I can believe ‘fuelgasm’ exists – you only have to see it to believe it……(almost to the point of no return)……
Fuelgasm you say ? Well. This explains the consistent erection my narc had. Especially towards the end. This may also explain the night he told me he’d never had felt so attached to someone after sex.
Empath007, “consistent erection”. Sounds like you had a somatic on your hands! I don’t know if “attached” was the word he was looking for that night, more like “fueled”. You brought it, he drank it in and felt the power.
I should imagine a consistent erection would mean when it was an erection, it was always an erection, say as opposed to a banana.
I don’t know HG. Some erections can be inconsistent. Leaving as quickly as they appeared!
No MB, when the erection disappears it is no longer an erection, what you have there is inconsistent performance also known as Ghost Boners!
Never heard it called GB before. It’s all (sex) education here! Ha ha. #prayforMBsexlife
Ghost Boners. I may have seen that around somewhere.
Floating past…hahaha!
Laughing…… yes, it is part of the ‘devil’s toolkit’….
MB,
I thought fuelgasm was your word! Ha ha. I missed that completely. I listen sometimes when I walk the dog at night. Ralph must have been pulling me across the road at that point to get to a yappy terrier he barks at. The terrier wears a hoody with ‘Security’ on it. Ralph isn’t a fan of dogs in hoodies!
I was kidding. No tattoos here. Strangely, I only considered getting one once and that was when I was during ensnarement. I was considering getting the word ‘Truth’. I knew he was lying to me, usually around the time he called me ‘liar’! I chose this screen name a few months later, still ensnared as I arrived here. Truth, or the avoidance of it on his part was seemingly the thing I couldn’t stand.
Funny how our minds work. I didn’t get the tattoo. I remain tattoo free. I was only joking about the symbol xx
TS, nope, can’t take credit for fuelgasm. It was NA I first heard it from. HG didn’t use that term in the video but explained that sexual arousal could happen with certain narcissists.
A hoody marked “security”. How cute! Tell Ralph I said hello.
I wasn’t judging if you had gotten the tattoo. I need to revisit ‘Pawn’. That was my favorite of the series.
Hello ZB!
Don’t mind me, I was just playing around! We should revisit Dark Cupid though. There were some interesting discussions surrounding that.
Hi TS, I’m debating on Dark Cupid, if I can pass the entrance exam at some point. But I’m quite nervous it will be like Spanked, which was very traumatizing to me. Can you give any insight, is that a concern?
MB: “TS, yes! Fuelgasm is a thing. The narcissist gets sexually aroused from extremely potent fuel.”
Yes, I was amazed when I heard this in the video. But at least now I have a good argument to justify the use of “pervers” (pervert) in ‘pervers narcissique’, the exact term for ‘narcissist’ in my language, in psychiatry!
Empath007,
The fact you are devastatingly attractive, probably has something to do with that too! I re listened to the video. When you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Rapists rape for power not sex specifically. Stands to reason if a narcissist is fuelled up to the eyebrows he will find it a turn on.
I remember you talking about the narc being permanently aroused. I thought it really strange at the time. Now, not so much.
HG, you’ve mentioned before that you don’t experience tingles like we do when we’re excited or someone we’re attracted to touches our arm or leg etc etc is that true of all Ns? Or only Ps? Is it not linked to nerve endings in the same way genitals are?
Thank you.
Haha !
“Consisten erection” : A erection which appears whenever you are near the narcissits.
I’d go into his office at work to chat… there it was !
We’d be having dinner at a nice restaurant… it joined us ! But it did not leave a tip.
Sitting watching a movie AFTER we had already had sex… poof ! It appears. And lasted to whole 2 hours … wasn’t holding back.
During a fight ? Naturally I can see it.
…. consistent erection 🤣🤣🤣 no exaggeration either… we’d get in arguments about it 🤣🤣🤣
“Can we please have a conversation without your penis involved ?!!”
Real things I shouted while in a relationship 😂
Empath007, “it did not leave a tip” I see what you did there. That made me giggle!
Empath007,
Would he actually acknowledge the arrival of the boner? Did he proudly draw attention to it? Or, did he attempt to conceal it? Did he carry a man bag for example?
Haha I do find this bizarre! How did he not pass out?!
MB
“Never heard it called ghost boner before.”
Me either, just nod knowledgeably.
MB, TS6157,
Thank you for explaining.
No unfortunately I am not participating in the Dark Cupid fun.
I can only focus properly at 1 thing and that is the decryption of the incident. The rest of my life is ‘on hold’! Literally…
Also, I dare not send in my answer as I still don’t understand what we are expected to do/write.
It will only end up in a failure and than where is the fun in it?
After finishing the incident (if ever!), I need to focus on a restart of my dancing company (covid numbers are going very well here so reopening is expected very soon), and that is a complete disaster! I worked on nothing, I have no new choreographies, my accountancy is a year behind, pfiew where to begin!
After that, I must first catch up with the HG mauls series (yep: had no time!), so before there is time for Dark Cupid it will be many months further.
I regret missing it, but you cannot have it all!
TS he was like a hormonaly crazed teenage boy.
He wouldn’t try and purposely flaunt it, but also didn’t necessarily go to any lengths to conceal it… to be honest towards the end I thought it was more provocation, to get a rise out of me. Make
It clear he did not respect me and wanted one thing and one thing only…. since I was trying to deepen our “connection”
Im not entirely sure how he’d pull off having it during an entire movie … clearly I made him feel powerful, and that turned him on.
I know what you mean Empath 007. One of the reasons I finished with best sex ever guy was that as things progressed I felt more and more that it was just about sex. I couldn’t be in the room longer than ten minutes before we were at it. The sex was great, but over time I didn’t see any depth to him. On top of that, I was utterly sleep deprived. We were up for most of the night then I had to go to work. He worked from home, no doubt would nap a few hours in the day. I had to keep going.
I’d get exhausted, I was sore too! I would sit in the bath sore, nursing little cuts and tears. I’d suggest not seeing each other for a few nights so I could heal, catch up on sleep, my washing, ironing etc, just get myself straight. I’d be home an hour and he’d show up, carrying a bottle of wine and a smile. The minute he was through the door, no conversation, mouth on mine, man that guy knew how to kiss. Back to bed we’d go, no matter how tired I was, how sore.
When I look at it now, I can see lack of boundary recognition, false caring ( he cooked for me most nights though I never asked), sense of entitlement, attempted isolation, monopolisation of time. Sounds like a Middle Mid Range type A Somatic. Bit haughty, though I didn’t stand for that. He bought a convertible too, I drove a convertible, mirroring. He smeared his ex wife yet tried to triangulate with talking about how big her boobs were. Fail, never craved big boobs, I like my own thanks ha ha! So there are definitely markers but I don’t know for sure if he was a narc. He did have a daughter though and they seemed to worship each other.
We were together around 18 months, maybe a bit longer before I finished it. I felt smothered. He tried to get back with me a few times, a few months later I moved on secondment for six months with work. I didn’t miss him, because he didn’t get into my head. Spent all his time in my knickers! I think I’m good, as long as I don’t let you in to my head. That was the difference with online narc amongst other things. That was the mistake.
Right there with you MB. It would not only hurt my heart, it would break into a million pieces!
I agree the Narcissist is not an “it”. And I can’t make myself believe something that isn’t true, even if it feels good.
Whitney,
I don’t think you should have to make yourself believe anything. I do like the approach by Who Cares, in terms of focussing on the Construct. Fiddleress describes her narc parents as ‘ ‘genitors.’ I can understand that too. A re labelling of what the behaviours of the individuals actually amounted to, rather than an objectification.
Sometimes I think I see them as machines, instinctive control machines. Oddly enough this makes me feel sorry for them that they can only run on unconscious autopilot. (Lessers, Midrangers)
So I still view them as humans, with Human Rights, and their childhoods had trauma happening at some point.
There is an old lady around here, total fuel-robot. If anyone looks the least bit nervous, she immediately walks after that person and whines, smiles, stalks, lets her dog nibble that person.
Looking at my mother as a control-robot or control-machine sort of helps me not be angry, to feel cool. They can’t change. Their bodies can only do one thing. It’s like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator, that vision console. Exactly that.
“Alert, standby, somebody making a nervous facial expression at northwest. Go over there.”
This thought also makes narc exes less sexy. They aren’t free to choose.
I have to agree with some of the issues surrounding ‘it’. I think there is still a lot emotion around thinking of the narc as an ‘it’ or an appliance. It feels vengeful to do exactly to them what they did to us – and that involves emotion, so if Zero Impact implies no emotional response to the narc…?
I prefer the concept of the Construct. It feels cold and clinical and reminds me that they would just ‘not exist’ otherwise, but it still indicates a ‘something’ and not an absence of something.
I agree that ‘it’ is dehumanizing and to me, it feels like wanting retribution.
It forms part of the eradication it is not the eradication in its entirety.
HG,
Okay, but I will never fully eradicate my academic interest in narcissism, even if I were to reach Zero Impact with my personal narcissist…so I prefer “Construct”.
I just feel that even the narcissist’s view of us as an appliance or an ‘it’ has a sense of distain attached to it, from the narcissist’s perspective. So I fail to view it as an emotion-free concept.
*disdain
Who Cares,
I didn’t think about the Construct. I see what you mean. The Construct is an artifice, an illusion. Which ties into everything we are taught from the first moment of ensnarement through to later disengagement and hoovering. That sits far better with me. I can visualise it better too.
Now that you point it out Truthseeker, the Construct is also more visual for me. Maybe that is also partly why I prefer it.
I think zero impact is achievable for everyone. And I say this STILL having not reached it at over 2 years “no contact” (I put it in quotes because there is an area I have slipped up – social media). But I believe in zero impact because I have achieved it with other narcissists in my life before, I know what it feels like and I know I will get there.
Sometimes, the cognitive dissonance just won’t let us go. There is something unresolved in our hearts and minds and we are addicted to resloving that conflict within in ourselves and obsessed with the object of our addiction (the narc)
I’m curious if your strong reaction to word “it” perhaps has to do with the fact you still have feelings for a particular narc ?
Yes of course we are not narcissits and we see people as just that… people, with their own individual needs, wants, desires. It’s impossible to turn that off. So I get what you’re saying. We don’t see people as objects and we never will. However, we can achieve not caring about another person or what happens to them.
When I get there with my current narc. I’ll let you know 🙂
Empath007, “However, we can achieve not caring about another person or what happens to them.” Exactly, it is not strictly to believe they are a thing, but to detach our feelings from them.
Empath007, I agree that it is possible. I have wondered on occasion what it will be like when my ex or my mom die. I was crushed by my dad’s death, and I expected that. I don’t have that expectation about them. We will see, if they go before I do.
Hey Empath 007 x
I think you are right in summarising what I was getting at in two parts. First the Zero impact side and how achievable this is. It is achievable demonstrably as many have done so. To feel nothing at all, to not care if this person lives or dies, is not achievable for me personally. I can’t be an anomaly, so as such it follows that to feel nothing at all is likely not possible for all. I can far better relate to Fiddleress’s approach as being something achievable. More me. I admit to not being at that point but I see it as realistic. (Will explain that more in my response to SP to save on moderating time).
The No Contact and exorcism part of the video I agree with fully. I have implemented those fully and without any slip ups. Unless you count a hoover when I reopened my account to contact someone in the US when they lost a family member. The window was opened and he hoovered accordingly. He received zero response. The Final battle material didn’t work for me, though it did help. So technically you could argue I’m not in full No Contact. That isn’t an issue with the material. That’s a me issue ha ha. I can say I rarely dwell now though. I do replace or push away thoughts most of the time. Just that when I don’t, I am as sad as I was on day one. Again, I understand the reasons why this is the case.
The Objectification side. I don’t have it in me to dehumanise to the point of calling someone ‘it.’ This is a slippery slope in my view and one I can’t subscribe to. I can however recognise the thinking behind it. I can understand why people might selectively visualise in this way, and that choice belongs to them. I thought Wiser Now made a good point about stages of recovery. If you are in the thick of Emotional Thinking, where you feel completely hopeless, thinking of the narc as ‘it’ might well provide a focus. So I can see justifiable reasons for the approach, it’s just not a route I will go myself. I do think TDC outcomes can feed into tendencies to accept or reject this kind of concept too. If they didn’t, our outcomes would all be more similar. It would be interesting to correlate opinions on this with TDC percentages. I believe those TDC percentages to be more indicative of our responses than anything else. The EDC also but to a lesser extent in this specific scenario.
Ha ha, do let me know when you achieve Zero Impact, or your version of it. It will be a day of celebration xx
T.S
Are you saying you are unable to dehumanize or use the term “it” specifically with regard to narcissists and/or people you know personally? or any human form?
NA,
I’m not sure I properly understand the question. I see people as people. I don’t necessarily like everybody in my day to day. In fact you’d probably find me surprisingly selective as to friends or acquaintances. I rule out very quickly. If I rule out I wouldn’t say they were an ‘it’. They are people I don’t trust.
I don’t agree with abusive behaviours etc but I see the behaviours as sick, or evil. I don’t see the abuser as a thing or an it. What Hitler did was evil. But the evil was committed by a person not by an ‘it’. My most visceral response would be with regards to someone harming or abusing children. Again, a person who should be locked up and never see the light of day because what they did was unforgivable. My narc, someone that hurt me, someone I have to avoid. What he did damaged me. Again, I can’t categorise as ‘it.
I can in many ways condone an eye for an eye approach but not a dehumanising approach. Strange as it sounds. Hope that’s what you were asking, not trying to be dumb.
T.S
You covered what I was asking (you touched on it with Hitler and child abusers). Thank you for your response.
NA,
I thought about your question afterwards. I overthink a lot as you know. The narc said that to me often. Not in a nasty way. ‘TS, you’re overthinking again.’ Maybe I was. We’re often a product of what we have seen or experienced. Similar personalities, different situations result in differing opinions. In general I mean, not just on this topic.
When I was a student I spent a year studying in France in a place called Besancon. There is a citadel there and in it there was an exhibition about the Holocaust. When people think about Hitler, they remember the execution of Jews in gas chambers. That’s probably the thought that first comes to mind.
The exposition had photos, we’ve all seen them, men women and children emaciated. There was another set of photos though. Those stayed with me. They were photographs of doctors and their ‘patients’. The doctors experimented on the Jews as we know. These particular images showed people with fungus implanted into their skin, parasites, things growing from their backs, lips, necks. This was not extermination. This was torture for pleasure.
Who were these doctors that could do such things? Some were undoubtedly were narcissists, probably the ones that came up with the experiments. Not all of them were though. There were teams of doctors so, some had to be normals. How does a man do that to another human being, then go home, have dinner with his wife and sit with his child on his knee?
Even if you consider the doctor under threat himself for non compliance, how did he do that to children, implant stuff into their skin to watch it grow? Herd mentality, self preservation, but mostly, they saw them as things, ‘its’ not people, just carcasses to experiment on. The images were shocking and stayed with me.
I have contextualised them further through my learning here. Nose down normals, herd mentality, objectification and ultimately, complete dehumanisation. I don’t mean to say that if an empath who is viciously abused visualises her narc as ‘it’ for a time, she contributes to this kind of mindset. Of course not. I know that isn’t the point at all. There are various reasons for my reaction though.
Even here, I don’t see the doctors as ‘ its’. They are people who committed truly horrific and unforgivable crimes against humanity. I hope they had nightmares about it until they died in excruciating pain. I see no place for forgiveness in this context but that’s an entirely different debate!
Truthseeker,
Thank you for your comment, and I don’t think you need to go into the naughty corner at all. I agree with you that narcissists are ‘human’ and not ‘things’. To think of them as less than human and to force yourself into a state of ‘zero impact’ is – to me – the same as believing in a form of fantasy or illusion. To me it is the same as denying reality.
I see this advice from HG in a multifaceted way. This helps me to control my ’emotional thinking’ and at the same time to keep being empathic in a broader sense. I don’t want to lose my empathy or to become inhuman.
This multifaceted way of thinking is a bit like mental gymnastics. It takes practice and open-mindedness. Flexibility of thought is difficult while someone is deep in the emotional sea. After reading about ‘defence mechanisms’ (including narcissism AND people-pleasing), one factor that prevents change is rigidity of thinking. It takes time and consistent self-work to reduce this rigidity.
The only time I ‘force’ myself to think in a certain way is when I feel that a personal logical injustice or breach of justified boundaries occurs with the narcissists that are close to me.
With narcissists or narcissistic people who aren’t that close to me, my emotional thinking is lower to begin with. I keep a certain emotional distance from them until I feel I can trust the situation and my own instincts. In the meantime, I treat them as humans with empathy and fairness within logical boundaries. This makes it easier and less damaging to deal with narcissists and narcissistic people (or organisations or groups) when I come across them in daily life (which is often).
I fully understand where you’re coming from. To me, HG’s advice is very black and white, all or nothing. When someone is struggling to free themselves from the emotional distress of being abused or in a situation where they have lost the ability to be logical and are sinking into a deep state of depression or anxiety, HG’s advice is sound and his ‘all or nothing’ approach is helpful in a personal sense to ‘that’ person.
When it comes to society at large, or humanity as a whole, treating other people as ‘things’ will worsen the state of society as people go about their daily lives. Does anyone want to live in a society where any person at any time can be treated as a ‘thing’? I know I don’t. To condone and promote the idea that people ‘should’ be thought of as ‘things’ to gain some kind of ‘victory’ is a horrible thought.
Hello WiserNow,
How are you?
Hi WhoCares,
I’m well thank you, how are you? Thank you for asking. I hope you and your son are well and have had a good year, all things considered.
I see that you continue to comment here regularly and your comments are empathic and considerate. I enjoy reading them and I’m glad there are empathic voices still here.
WiserNow,
My son and I are well, despite it being an unusual year all around!
Homeschooling again at this time, which is both enjoyable and challenging, but looking forward to him attending in-person soon because he needs the socializing with peers.
Yes, I am still around commenting when I can and partaking of the excellent learning here.
I hope you are keeping well and wishing you all the best for 2021!
Thank you WhoCares. I am keeping well, and all the best to you too for 2021.
2020 was definitely an unusual year. It feels like life in general will never be the same as it was prior to all that happened last year.
Whenever you mention your son, I can tell how seriously you take his upbringing and development. He is a fortunate young man to have a mother who is knowledgeable about narcissism and who takes great care in protecting him from it. All the best with the homeschooling.
Narcsite is definitely a forum that provides excellent learning. There is nowhere else like it really. HG has made it a place that delves deeply and unapologetically into human nature, yet it’s also a pleasure to take part – as long as it’s understood that we must all play by HG’s rules. He is like a benevolent dictator in that way 😉
My house, my rules. Not that they cause any problem for those who operate in a sensible manner here, which of course includes you WN.
HG,
Your words ‘my house, my rules’ makes me think of the lyrics:
“You ask me to enter, but then you make me crawl”
(‘One’ by U2)
Also, ‘those who operate in a sensible manner’ …? You may as well have said, ‘those appliances who operate in a manner I approve of’.
HG, I will enter your house with respect for you and your other visitors, however, I’d prefer not to crawl.
No it is not just the manner I approve of, do you not agree that people behaving in a constructive, courteous manner towards one another, having interesting and thought-provoking dialogue, receiving answers to key questions and offering their own constructive observations is something you would approve of too?
HG,
You have made the situation of ‘moderator/commenter’ sound very benign and fair, open and reasonable, and of course, I would ‘approve’ of all that too. However, you’re the one moderating and the one in ‘control’.
If you disagree with a commenter, it’s more than likely that other readers will either disagree with them too or will not readily voice their agreement. I understand it’s ‘your house’, but the meaning of ‘constructive’ is open to different perspectives.
Thank you for allowing my comments and for your open-mindedness.
I haven’t made it sound benign, it is benign. I note you approve of what I have explained.
“If you disagree with a commenter, it’s more than likely that other readers will either disagree with them too or will not readily voice their agreement. I understand it’s ‘your house’, but the meaning of ‘constructive’ is open to different perspectives.”
1. What do you mean by constructive then which is different from what I have written?
2. You do the readers a disservice with that suggestion.
HG,
I’m not doing the readers a disservice at all. In my mind, I am making it easier for other readers (who may have many different thoughts, ideas and observations) to feel that they can and would be welcome to add to the discussions.
I don’t wish to argue HG, I really don’t. I enjoy the constructive and thought-provoking conversations here very much.
They find it easy enough to articulate their thoughts and observations owing to the constructive forum that has been created here. Your comment did do the readers a disservice. You clearly do wish to argue otherwise you would not have written as you have. I do not have a problem with you expressing your views when they might be contrary to my own but there is not need to write comments such as “I don’t wish to argue” as you are doing so, there is nothing wrong with you doing so, so long as it is within the parameters of the rules. It is akin to people saying “I do not want to hurt you but” and then they say something hurtful. If you do not want to hurt somebody then do not say the comment rather than coming out with the flannel beforehand or say “I am going to say something which may hurt you” at least that is honest.
HG,
With all due respect for both you and your readers, why do you think adult empathic women (and men) who comment here sometimes say things like, “..HG will send me to the dungeon for saying this…”, or, “..I’ll probably have to sit on the naughty step for my comment”… etc etc?
Readers are free to say what they like and I’m not saying they shouldn’t say whatever they want to say. I am also not blaming them for saying such things. In fact, I can understand why they say them.
When I see such comments though, I generally think, this grown woman/man has lived through more emotional abuse and psychological torture – and sometimes raised children through that as well – than the majority of people can even imagine. Those with narc mothers and fathers have been scarred for life.
Not only have they lived through the abuse, they have managed to survive and retain their empathy, sanity and goodwill. They deserve respect and validation. They don’t deserve to be sent to a naughty step or a dungeon or made to justify their honest thoughts or observations. They have already endured enough invalidation.
*In my opinion*, when I see that, I find it unfair or undeserved, that they feel they somehow need to qualify their opinions – even in a joking way. They are grown adults, some of whom may have C-PTSD or other trauma-related issues, and I don’t think they should feel the need to justify themselves like invalidated children.
As I said, I really don’t wish to argue, so I am not going to. I wanted to explain my thoughts, and that is all I’m doing.
Also, I know and acknowledge that this definitely is a constructive forum. I can see that readers in the majority feel free to say what they want to say and that is one of the things I greatly enjoy about KTN.
I know why they say it, but let’s ask them why they say HG will send me to the dungeon for saying this or they will have to sit on the naughty step.
WiserNow,
“I can tell how seriously you take his upbringing and development”
Definitely, in some areas – although he would tell you I take some areas too “seriously.” Haha.
“He is a fortunate young man to have a mother who is knowledgeable about narcissism and who takes great care in protecting him from it. All the best with the homeschooling.”
Thank-you ♥️
“Narcsite is definitely a forum that provides excellent learning. There is nowhere else like it really. HG has made it a place that delves deeply and unapologetically into human nature”
I am so in agreement with this statement – and it was very well put.
Take care WiserNow 💜
Thank you WhoCares, and you’re welcome 🙂 You take care too.
Wiser Now,
Agree, this place is unique. I joke about being sent to the naughty corner for raising an opposing view, but I am only joking. HG always allows views to be expressed, even those that might be contrary to his own.
WiserNow, I can’t speak on behalf of others but we want to be sent to the naughty step or dungeon because we like to feel the pain of punishment. I guess it forms part of the addiction.
alexissmith2016,
I respect your feelings and thank you for responding. I believe you when you say you enjoy feeling the pain of punishment, however, it’s something I don’t feel or relate to. Personally, I don’t enjoy physical pain or emotional pain. When it’s caused by someone who pretends to care or is supposed to care for, or respect me, it’s something that causes feelings of both anger and sadness in me instead. To each their own, I guess.
The concept of ‘addiction’ is something I can understand to a point. To me though, it feels more like an ingrained set of behaviours than an addiction. I want to change the behaviours, but it’s difficult. It feels like two steps forward and one step back all the time. And it also comes with a racing mind.
Thanks WN, for me and I can’t speak for others again, but it’s not something I would want to experience all the time, only a very small percentage. In fact I can be rather controlling myself but it comes with good intent rather than wanting to control people for my own benefit it would be for my perception of what would be good for them if that makes sense. So my need for control comes from a good place but just sometimes I don’t want to be in control. Just not for long lol and it is almost as though I like the idea of relinquishing control. Also in being controlled it also gives me the opportunity to be defiant which I’m very good at hahah. I guess the addiction to control stems from early experiences and I can turn against any attempt to control me in a split second. I suppose there is a similar kind of buzz an N would experience with fuel. In the same sense I wouldn’t take crap from anyone either. I hope that makes it a bit clearer for you.
I’d definitely be interested to hear about other people’s desire to be on the naughty step or in the dungeon.
“I know why they say it, but let’s ask them why they say HG will send me to the dungeon for saying this or they will have to sit on the naughty step.”
Speaking for myself – it’s humour, and I understand not everyone has the same sense of humour, but I don’t see how it could be taken any other way as there IS no such place as the step or dungeon. It is acknowledgment in a humorous way that I may have given an opinion that differs from HG’s or other readers (my recent opinion on Star Wars comes to mind for example), but that I will not be silenced and give it all the same and humorously accept exile (self-imposed or otherwise). The idea that there is some actual form of punishment or retribution is absurd.
I do consider it a disservice to assert that readers are fearful followers who dare not give their own opinions or tease merely because it is sometimes done in a light hearted way. Narcissism is a heavy subject and sometimes a bit of levity is welcomed, albeit not by everyone as has been indicated here, and I might add – the opinion was posted and has been respectfully discussed all the same.
NarcAngel,
Thank you for your comment. I understand that it’s humour, and I enjoy levity and fun too. For instance, if I say, “HG is like a benevolent dictator in that way 😉” – to me, that’s a lighthearted or teasing kind of comment. I think that’s how all this started. HG didn’t just ignore it as a lighthearted bit of levity though. He responded with an assertion that ‘his rules must be followed’. I respect HG and I enjoy being here, so I *will* follow his rules… and maybe make a little respectful point at the same time 🙃
I enjoy the open discussions and fun here. The thing that’s evident to me in the process of changing my own overly empathic behaviours is society’s *real* attitudes in general towards empathy.
We live in an ‘individualistic’ world and it’s becoming more and more the ‘norm’. When trying to change my ‘instinctive’ people-pleasing traits, I see that the ‘world at large’ generally either exploits or invalidates empathic traits and altruistic behaviours. I think everyone (generally) likes ‘someone else’ to be empathic and tolerant though.
When not exploited, empathy and altruism is given ‘token’ praise and appreciation. For example, comments such as, “oh, isn’t that so lovely and kind of him/her – aren’t they the salt of the earth?” …and then the person who has received the kindness, happily goes off and keeps doing what they do and doesn’t stop to reflect that maybe they could contemplate the value of being more kind themselves.
I appreciate that my opinion was posted and I sincerely don’t intend or wish to be defensive or argumentative. Thanks again for your comment NarcAngel.
Wiser Now, HG,
Your comments landed in my inbox I should respond as it was me who spoke about the dungeon and the naughty step on this thread. I added that phrase for several reasons.
The dungeon is usually used in a comedic way on the blog. I do like to tease HG at times, not in a bad way, it’s just very much part of my personality. Actually, it shows I’m comfortable with someone rather than the opposite. Naughty step might have been one of mine actually, sounds like one of mine. Similar idea, comedic value.
This particular article did elicit a strong reaction in me, hence my original comment. I listened to the YouTube video first and the comments there were glowing. I already knew I would be in the minority with my view before I posted. I recognised my post was uncharacteristically forceful and tempered it with use of the naughty step so that people would read me as my usual self rather than as being negative about the work itself. This was not done for HG’s benefit, more for other readers to know that whilst I was being more assertive I was still being me. People can be interpreted differently in text and I’m mindful of that. I checked this again with SP in a later comment.
I’m very very protective of HG’s work and its value. I very rarely feel the need to disagree with it. I did disagree with this element and was unafraid to express an opposing view. I am very comfortable with HG as moderator, he doesn’t phase me in any way. He actually didn’t feel the need to respond and instead let the thread run, which I think was also helpful in drawing more discussion amongst readers.
I haven’t seen HG do anything other than correct inaccuracies to do with narcissism and stand his ground with his own views when in discussion. Rightly so. It wouldn’t phase me if those views were different to mine.
Wiser Now, I can see why my comment about the dungeon or naughty corner might have been interpreted differently. I can see the point you are making as regards commenters possibly being nervous to offer opposing views to HG as a result of past experiences. I would say to those readers, dive in, voice your opinion. In my experience, there is no need to be wary of HG on the blog. He might not agree with you necessarily, but if your comment is constructive and considered, or even for a bit of fun sometimes, get it posted!
Truthseeker,
Thank you for your comment, and to be honest with you, I wasn’t blaming or judging you or anyone else for mentioning the dungeon or the naughty step. I know that it’s humour and a bit of fun. I can understand that it helps to make light of a serious or heavy subject. I didn’t raise the point about these kinds of comments to say they ‘shouldn’t’ be said. Please feel free to say them whenever you want to. I also understand that you wanted to soften your response in a way that wouldn’t make it seem like it was critical of HG or HG’s work.
Upon further reflection, my opinion and thought process in relation to this thread is based on a personal history of being invalidated. Both my parents made me feel both responsible/guilty *and* invalidated at the same time. This then later became my internal thought-process where I invalidated myself. In many situations, this instinctive or unconscious behaviour meant I gave the ‘other person’ power over me even though I could feel or knew that it wasn’t what I wanted.
I don’t like this aspect of my unconscious thinking, in fact I detest it. I think I’m hypersensitive about it. That’s why when I see someone casting themselves in a subordinate role they don’t deserve, it makes me angry. I am not angry at the person for doing it. I am angry at the ‘environment’ that causes them to think they have to or need to. It’s an instinctive reaction to protect the person or change the situation.
Truthseeker, please know that it’s not about you or what you said.
I think it’s a projection. I need to find a way to feel both tolerant/safe *and* indifferent when it comes to someone else having a role of power. I understand we need rules and structure and order. Those things give us stability. At the same time, we don’t have to lose or give away our own selves in the process.
Thanks again for your comment TS and I’m sorry if I made you feel criticised. That wasn’t my intention.
Hello WiserNow
Good to see you posting again; Happy belated New Year! I thought The Readers were being facetious/playful when they mentioned being sent to the dungeon or naughty step.
Hello K,
Thank you and Happy New Year to you too. I agree with you about the playfulness. My reaction was a little exaggerated. Just chalk it up to the kaleidoscope of fun that results from having a narcy family 😁🙄
WiserNow, if I may, I’d like to state my opinion about the comments about being sent to the dungeon or sitting on the naughty step. My point of view is very different from yours.
First let me say that both of my parents and my husband are narcissists. I’ve been in toxic relationships my whole life. So I do understand what you mean that we deserve respect and validation. I believe that Mr. Tudor does validate us. In fact, he validates us more than anyone else has in the past. Thank you, Mr. Tudor.
When I first came to this blog almost two years ago, I didn’t comment. I just read and watched the interaction between Mr. Tudor and the other commenters. The truth is, I was afraid to comment because I was afraid I would disappoint Mr. Tudor. I thought he was intimidating. Seeing the banter between Mr. Tudor & TS, AS2016, Asp Emp, NA, Lorelai, Renarde and others, made it comfortable for me to comment. Even when someone said they were being sent to the dungeon. I knew it was a joke and I became much more relaxed and at ease. Seeing that it wasn’t so serious all the time, made it comfortable.
Hi Leigh,
Thank you for your comment and for explaining your point of view. Also, welcome to the blog and for sharing your thoughts. You have helped me to see that readers have many points of view. Different people see things in all sorts of ways and react differently.
I know what you mean about HG being intimidating. His deep voice, stern manner and ‘superiority’ make me feel that way too sometimes. When you say you were afraid you would disappoint him, I can relate to that, because HG always seems to know the correct answer. HG gives me the feeling that I need to assert myself or ‘find fault’ somewhere in order to feel some sense of ‘self-worth’. It’s interesting how each of our past experiences have shaped our thinking.
I can see how my point about the dungeon/naughty step was an over-reaction. I like the lighthearted fun comments too and it’s good to have a laugh every now and then while trying to transform our nervous systems 🙂 After HG responded to my earlier comments in this thread in an argumentative way, I actually felt very low, as though I had ‘failed’. I wanted a discussion and it turned into an argument. It’s probably a sign that narcs don’t do ‘discussions’ 😉
Thank you for your reply Leigh and for your considerate view of things.
Just because somebody advances a contrary stance to yours, which is what I did, does not make an argument. If my response is labelled by you as argumentative then it’s clear you responded in an argumentative manner also since the language of my response was no different to yours. It appears to me that when you write something it’s a discussion but if I respond in a contrary manner it suddenly becomes an argument. You kept stating “i don’t want an argument” but then you did just that. You cannot claim you want a discussion but the moment someone politely offers a differing stance you allege ‘you’re arguing with me’ . Have a look through the comments and see the many discussions that occur between me and other people. So to suggest I can’t do ‘discussion’ is wrong, shall I suggest you can’t have a discussion because you play the victim?
HG,
Forgive me, I should have been more explicit by saying, “probably a sign that narcs don’t do ‘discussions’ in the same way empaths do”.
What I mean by that is that even when disagreeing with each other, empaths use words to smooth over differences, or say what they mean in a ‘softer’ way. They put their point across and at the same time show they still respect the other person or understand the point the other person is making or care about the other person’s emotional reaction.
When a narcissist discusses a point of difference, it’s more a black and white case and it feels like they’re trying to ‘win’. While doing so, they don’t speak in a way that spares the other person’s feelings or shows regard for the point the other person is making. They want to drive their point home until the other person either gives up or concedes because a narc won’t stop until they ‘win’. In this way it comes across more like an argument than a discussion.
That is what I meant. I know you can have a discussion when you are explaining something or the topic is lighthearted or when it isn’t a two-sided ‘debate’ etc. I’m sorry if that line in my comment caused offense. It wasn’t directed at you specifically and it wasn’t meant to be an insult. I’m truly sorry HG.
That’s fair enough WN, thank you for clarifying. I understand your perspective.
Thank you HG. I’m glad we have reached a point of understanding.
Leigh, this is interesting, I refrained from commenting because of the banter, some sexual/flirtatious and was put off by that, lol. But not for long, I just decided to ignore it. Now I am careful about which conversations to involve myself in, I have a tendency of going south really fast, but it is fun to see the humorous exchanges.
Don’t know if I am commenting in the right place, but anyway..
Leigh, I agree with you re H.G and validating us. I have come to the conclusion that narcs do validate, unless you get into a close relationship with them. The ‘closer’ you are to them (e.g if they are your parent, or you are in a romantic relationship with them), the less you feel validated. I have known a few narcs who have made me feel very validated, but then as things turned more intimate, this changed.
Hi JB,
I understand what you’re saying. In my cognitive thinking, I know that HG and others (especially other commenters) validate us too. I do know that. At the same time – and it’s difficult to explain so that someone else truly gets it – there is an uncontrollable emotional reaction or emotional irritation I feel because it *feels* like it is invalidating. My emotional impression or pre-emptive interpretation of what the other person is thinking/doing/saying seems to be on unconscious high-alert and it sends the emotional message that it’s invalidating.
I know that probably sounds strange – knowing cognitively that there’s no outright invalidation and still feeling that there is. However, that’s how it feels.
I hope that makes sense. I do appreciate HG’s comments and I realise that he’s not saying things to invalidate people, and the same goes for the majority of commenters too.
Wisernow, I know exactly what you mean. Its because the gaslighting has gone on for so long that we question everything. There’s so much cognitive dissonance. We have trouble discerning what’s real and what’s not real. Did they mean what they said or are they screwing with our head? Or we’re asking ourselves, what the hell was that supposed to mean? I’m tired of asking those questions and thinking that I’m the crazy one. That’s the wonderful thing about Mr. Tudor and this blog, for the first time ever, the puzzle pieces finally fit. It finally makes sense. I finally have clarity and its Mr. Tudor that gave that to me and that’s why I finally feel validated.
Thank you Mr. Tudor.
Thanks Leigh. Yes, it’s the cognitive dissonance and effects of years of narcissistic gaslighting and manipulation. You have explained it very well.
And I agree, this blog *is* wonderful and HG’s explanations are both very informative and validating.
JB, none of the narcs in my life have ever made me feel validated. I’ve always felt like their was something wrong with me and that I’m the one who needed to be fixed. I was made to feel like I was the one who had to make things better because I was the one lacking. If their was a misunderstanding or something was wrong, it was my fault. If I felt I was being used or taken advantage of, it was because I was overthinking. If my feelings were hurt, it was because I was too sensitive. The list just goes on and on. It wasn’t until I came here that I truly felt validated.
Leigh, same. It is so liberating to understand that this is their perspective only, not mine and not truth.
JB, I think validation usually, if not always, comes with an agenda when a narcissist is involved. The agenda may be to draw us to them. I just know I don’t trust “validation” from my mother at all, it means she’s looking to get something, same with my ex. My dad didn’t really do validation, he was just too much better than everyone else to do so. HG even has his reasons for validating us, though in his case, we don’t suffer because of them, it is a win/win.
WN, re your comment about the dungeon etc, my perception is that the people who joke about this are just humorously alluding to the fact that most narcissists appear to be unable to cope when presented with a viewpoint which is potentially contrary to their own. However, the fact that they still go ahead and offer potentially contrary views, tells me that they feel safe to do so here, rather than intimidated by H.G. I can see how some could find H.G intimidating, I think this may be because he doesn’t pepper his speech with any softeners, reassuring phrases, emojis, etc. It’s just purely factual, no emotion, no warmth. I kind of like the no nonsense style though. And I am used to it – no warmth or reassurance growing up with my dad in the house! In a weird way it feels like home. Think that’s why H.G seems so familiar to many of us, because we can maybe all see some of ‘our’ narcs in him. Went off on a bit of a tangent there, but just offering my thoughts really.
Hi JB,
Thank you for your comment. While I understand what you mean about some readers finding HG intimidating, I think you have misinterpreted my earlier comments.
I don’t find HG intimidating and in my earlier comments, I didn’t mean that he intimidates readers. I know that he writes and speaks in a direct, no-nonsense, blunt way and I appreciate that too. It makes it easier to understand what he is explaining even though the stern manner and superiority can be stark.
My comments about the dungeon/naughty step were based on adults who have lived through narcissistic abuse feeling the need to justify their opinions or experiences. If a commenter says something that disagrees with HG or contradicts a generally popular ‘collective’ opinion here, they qualify their comment by using the dungeon/naughty step as a joke etc. To me, that comes across a bit like self-censoring or self-minimising. An adult with an honest or articulate opinion should not have to feel the need to self-censor in order to stay on HG’s good side or have the approval of other readers. That’s what my earlier comments were about. It’s not a case of feeling intimidated.
Now I can see though, that there are different ways to interpret the whole dungeon/naughty step jokes or humour, so I acknowledge that I probably over-reacted.
Although having said that, I still harbour the general notion that empathic readers here do need to justify and explain their instinctive worldview, while narcissists are discussed as behaving as they do, because … well, they’re narcissists.
Wiser Now,
Hey, you don’t need to apologise to me, not at all.
It’s only very recently our time on the blog has coincided, you just haven’t read me that often x. I could totally appreciate your thinking on it for that reason.
As I said in my comment, it was an unusual thread for me, I was aware I was more forceful on this subject than I usually am.
My ensnarement was primarily online. I was an LDE for the most part. The narc would twist my words at times. An innocent comment would be interpreted very differently. So, when it comes to the written word, I’m very mindful of how I could be read. Bubbles has helped me with that. I used to really check my posts before I sent, to make sure they wouldn’t be misinterpreted by other readers. I do it far less now, but confess in this instance, on this thread, I did it more.
You know, people pleasing isn’t such a bad thing as long as it isn’t taken to extreme so that it prevents our own needs being met. Many of us do it to an extent I think. I understand it may have occurred in a bad place, but it’s not necessarily something that should be corrected always, more, kept in check. “It’s nice to be nice” as my grandma used to say.
She also broke wind one day when I took my boyfriend round to meet her. She laughed and said “You can do that in your own house can’t you?” Yeah, maybe my grandma not the best person to quote ! Ha ha xx
Thanks TS, that made me laugh! Your grandma sounds like a character 😂
Yes, I know what you mean about the written word. Things can be misunderstood very easily. The way something is interpreted is also based on who is reading it.
I have read somewhere that when writing, it’s better to sound more ‘friendly’ or personable than you would when speaking, because the lack of emotion or physical ‘presence’ in a written message has more chance of coming across as cold or aloof.
Dear Mr Tudor and Wiser Now,
I have mentioned your dungeon on many occasions, but purely in jest and fun and only adding to your sense (Mr Tudor) of what I have perceived as humorous play
I understand there may be sensitives with regard to this
It was never my intention to down play the seriousness of one’s abuse, having been punished myself in this manner growing up
If I have in any way offended anyone, please accept my sincerest heartfelt apologies, none of it was, is or ever will be intentional or disrespectful in that regard
I am a survivor from anxiety, panic attacks, ptsd from sexual, physical, child, parental n narcissistic abuse!
Dearest Wiser Now,
I totally understand there’s a huge language barrier between narcs and empaths
We’re on totally on different pages … that’s exactly why I here in the first place
Mr Tudor is factual, there is no fluff ! From one empath to another, I totally get where you’re coming from 💕
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Thank you for your comment Bubbles, and I’m glad you get where I’m coming from 💖😘
Please feel free to use the dungeon and naughty step jokes as and when you see fit, and do not hold back. I really don’t mind and as far as I’m concerned, I don’t find it offensive or disrespectful and there’s no need to apologise. I can see that it’s fun and a joke.
Maybe I just need to lighten up a bit Bubbles…? 🙃😉🤪
No-one’s being abused here or forced to say anything against their will, so… next time I feel the urge to swoop in like a saviour empath, I shall think twice.
Always a pleasure WiserNow
Hahahaha…kaleidoscope is an apt description for the Narcissistic Relationship.
Thank you K and it’s always a pleasure to hear from you too. Yes, the kaleidoscope … it changes and distorts what you see when looking through it. Plus it can give you nausea if you keep staring at it for too long 😂
K,
Thank you very much for your consistently kind and understanding comments to me and other readers here. Your help and tolerance and also your light touch and humor are much appreciated xx
Dearest WiserNow,
Please don’t think twice or feel the need to lighten up (that is leftover narc reflection) I luv that you are always yourself
I also luv your perspective on things and if someone doesn’t put their thoughts forward, we cannot speculate, discuss, peruse, ponder, debate, nor comment ….even if some of our feathers may get a little ruffled from time to time, its healthy for us 🤣
That’s what’s great here, we’re a passionate bunch and forever learning about each other’s new insights, ideas and challenges
Stay as you are WiserNow, don’t ever change your true self for anyone …..otherwise off to the dungeon you go 😂
💕
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Thank you for your comment Bubbles. It’s very kind of you to say I should stay as I am. I think the same way about you too xx
It’s difficult though, to stay openly empathic these days. We can be our true selves here on narcsite and say how we feel, however, in every day life, it’s more and more clear to me that it’s helpful to be “grey rock” if you know what I mean.
I think the world in general is becoming more educated about this subject though. This morning on the TV I saw a news story about a law introduced to combat ‘coercive control’ in domestic violence situations. There was a woman describing her own experiences with a narcissist who she had escaped from. It was the classic narcissist dynamic down to a T. The only thing missing in the report were the words ‘narcissism’ and ‘narcissistic abuse’.
Still, people are talking about this and it’s becoming more well known I hope it continues. Then, I think it will be easier to be truly ourselves xx
Dearest WiserNow,
Shanks lovely, I know exactly what you mean by being grey rockish
It’s our magic shield, slash weapon, slash barrier, slash filter, slash boundary ……en garde 🤣
Thank goodness the word ‘narcissist’ is being exposed more n more, the word ‘abuser’ still ranks number one at present, I’d luv to see Mr Tudor’s works rank them all …. wont be long !! Haha
There’s a book I have, Perfect Stranger by Kay Schubach, a true story…….what happens when the man of your dreams makes your life a nightmare
Unbelievable read 😱
Staying true to oneself, in spite of the narc, means we win!
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Dear Bubbles, thank you for your message.
Yes, with awareness comes all of those shields, filters and barriers. It really is SO important to have awareness and to keep learning. The more I read and hear about narcissism, it’s becoming very clear how delusional some things actually are, such as ‘romance’, ‘perfection’, believing that wealth, beauty, fame, fortune, etc will solve your problems, having a baby is the ‘solution’, etc etc.
People believe in all these external delusions and then fall into terrible situations before they learn that the ‘solutions’ lie within themselves. Difficult lessons to learn.
Since reading your message, I did a google search on the book Perfect Stranger. It really does sound like a nightmare. The dangerous narcissist in the book was charged with rape and domestic violence many times and kept evading conviction. He was even protected by the women he was in a relationship with while being tried for previous crimes. Then he just kept being the same dangerous predator again and again. He was called ‘the playboy rapist’ in the news.
I think in his case, he was tall, good looking and athletic as well as being charming. He didn’t look at all like the violent, sadistic, predatory rapist he was. From what I have read, he fooled many intelligent, well-spoken women before he was eventually convicted and jailed. So his entitlement plus getting away with his behaviour kept snowballing so that he just kept going on and on.
It makes me think that narcissists may have no empathy or remorse, however, they are *very* focused on the emotional ‘weaknesses’ of their victims. When I say weaknesses, I don’t think of these traits as weaknesses as such, but they are aspects of a victim’s personality that a narcissist will not hesitate to exploit. This makes me think that either a narcissist is very emotionally astute themselves to be able to perceive someone else at that level, or they are well-practiced at their predatory aims.
I agree with you that staying true to ourselves is important. To know and understand ourselves as well as the delusions means to see the narc for what they are.
Thanks again for your message Bubbles. Best wishes to you xx 💕
Wiser Now,
Thank you for your considered comment. I hadn’t considered the idea that people who had only recently escaped and with soaring ET could perhaps focus better if the narcissist was dehumanised. When we are as raw as that I can accept that this approach might prompt a continuation or implementation of No Contact. A short term visualisation if you like.
I agree with your last sentence. Society is intolerant enough as it stands already. It’s in the news every single day, not just here, everywhere. I turn on the news and there is no respite from it.
I don’t have to continue a relationship with a narcissist. I can choose to avoid interactions with them. I don’t think I should dehumanise a group or a member of that group to the status of ‘it’ though either. It’s too close to everything that is wrong with the world.
You’re welcome Truthseeker.
Yes, a ‘short-term visualisation’ is a good way of describing it. At the point in time when someone has soaring ET, it’s helpful.
I agree with you that society’s intolerance is seen everywhere and that there appears to be no end in sight. It’s interesting too, that you say that you “turn on the news” and see it everywhere.
The “news” in the three major western regions – USA, UK and Australia – is greatly influenced by Rupert Murdoch. His media empire owns a very large proportion of publications, news programs, entertainment media and social media platforms, including Fox News, The New York Post, and other major newspapers in the US; The Sun and The Times in the UK; and The Australian and NewsCorp in Australia. This has been the case for many decades since Murdoch became the head of his father’s media business at the age of 21.
The “news” coming out of Murdoch-owned publications and broadcasts is more like propaganda and political gaslighting than actual ‘journalism’. It is slanted towards the personal views and self-serving business interests of Murdoch himself. His papers and news programs have run a narrative that has protected and promoted the political candidates Murdoch has favoured in those countries for many years, and in the current obvious narcissists (Trump, Johnson and Morrison).
If there are political leaders that Murdoch is not so comfortable with because they will not willingly collude with him, his media publications run deliberately disparaging campaigns against them disguised as ‘legitimate news’. This decades-long, consistent poisoning of legitimate journalism has been described as a “cancer on democracy”. It would be very, very interesting if HG put Rupert Murdoch under the Tudorscope.
Overall, I agree with you that there’s a lot that’s wrong with the world and that describing humans as ‘things’ will only make it worse. Thanks again for your initial comment. This thread has been great and a much-needed contrast to all the ‘inhuman’ information that’s everywhere at the moment, as you have pointed out.
Wiser Now,
Thank you. Yes, you highlight another real problem. I can no longer trust what I read. I read around all kinds of subjects to try to get a non biased view and establish the truth of things but I feel bombarded by images and slants that are seemingly always biased in one direction or another. We all have bias to a degree but with social media chiming in, this has become considerably worse and quite recently. I can feel the difference just over the last two or three years.
The UK newspaper that reports with least bias I think is the Financial Times. The rest, I don’t know what I’m looking at. Listen to a politician and I can’t trust what I’m being told either. I can feel when I’m being lied to, but this doesn’t tell me the truth.
I just see so many people behaving in a selfish way throughout the pandemic. I have to have faith that these people are not selfish in entirety, they are just behaving in a selfish way right now, but I’m struggling with sticking to standpoint and my frustration and disappointment is in line with it.
Media is the Superpower of modern times, wielded by narcissists and it’s power is terrifying.
I agree TS, media and the ‘information age’ we are now living in is very powerful and it is a ‘superpower’ wielded by narcissists who ‘own’ the information.
I find that reading as much as possible over a broad range of information from a variety of sources is helpful. It’s not that easy due to time and access limitations, however, it helps to learn more and to get a feel for different perspectives and details. The thing is to read with focus and with a certain scepticism as well. It helps to question what you read in terms of who said it, why and who the audience is meant to be.
Thanks again for your comments TS.
Wiser Now
Your thoughts about exploitation of weaknesses resonates so well and are much needed.
I have come to use the word Vulnerabilities instead, to bypass the definition problem you are describing.
The narcissist may use the fact that someone lives alone, for instance. Or is unemployed. These are not personality traits. Or that the person is blind. One of my friends totally lost his eyesight, his wife left him, and an unwittingly NPD woman quickly found him so now he is married to her. Some features which the narcissist looks for are not personality weaknesses, instead I call them vulnerabilities, to get a more ‘objective sounding’ name for the phenomenons which are exploited.
By the way, I always read your long comments with joy, WiserNow.
Hello Another Cat,
Thank you for your kind comment. That’s lovely of you to say. Sometimes when I respond to a comment, my thoughts seem straightforward enough in my mind, and then when writing the response, I find I go into detail in order to get my thoughts across so that I’m understood correctly. I hope my comments aren’t not too long 🙂
I know what you mean about the ‘vulnerabilities’. It’s not just personality traits – it can be literally *anything* about the person that can be exploited. Like you say, it can be any particular reason that makes a person easier to manipulate, isolate, devalue, etc etc.
I think the word ‘vulnerabilities’ is a great way of describing how any particular aspect of a person’s life can be potentially exploited.
This makes me think of a documentary I watched about Whitney Houston recently. I think this particular film was directed by Kevin Macdonald. In it, there are interviews with many people who were close to the singer or directly involved with her in some way. At the end of the documentary, I felt very sad for Whitney. On one hand, she had a phenomenal talent, she was beautiful, popular, had enormous worldwide success etc, and on the other hand, all of those things made her vulnerable too.
The great wealth meant that her ‘entourage’ of family, managers, agents, etc etc, were willing to indulge or ignore her drug-taking or other unhealthy behaviours because they didn’t want to ‘rock the boat’ in a way that would harm their own position or earnings in her ‘circle’. Then, her worldwide success made her husband Bobby Brown very envious and jealous because it reflected badly on ‘his’ success in comparison. To keep the marriage intact and to appease him, she went with what would make him feel better about himself instead of what would suit her own needs. Then there was a lawsuit with her own father who claimed that he was entitled to millions of dollars in a particular contract.
In the end, I think she was very ‘alone’ and very exploited despite her great talent and popularity. Her huge popularity turned ugly when there were items in the media gossiping or ridiculing her addictions and her singing difficulties later on.
She died at age 48 which is very sad. She died much too young and could have lived many more years if things had been different.
After watching the film, I thought about how fickle and selfish people can be and how the actual truth of anyone’s life has many aspects to it that can’t be properly understood without hindsight.
Thanks again for your comment Another Cat. I enjoy reading and learning from everyone’s comments here. It’s a great place to discuss this subject xx
…*I hope my comments aren’t too long* … it helps to check *before* clicking on ‘Send’😉🧐🙄
I was able to achieve zero impact on all of the narcissists I encountered although it took a lot of discipline and time for some except my N mom. It was the way our relationship was. I really believed for so many years that she loved me even though she made my life painful and miserable because I thought she meant well but she just didn’t have a clue. That belief that I was loved, in fact I thought she loved me more than herself at times, and also the sacrifices she made for me as my only caregiver, and many other factors made it impossible for me to not care about her wellbeing. But I limited my interactions with her and kept my distance. I think that was the best that I could ever do when it came to her.
I didn’t share this for sympathy by the way. I’m totally doing fine. I shared it as an example that like what TS said, relationships and entanglements are all different. I guess objectively I didn’t achieve the ultimate success with my N mom as I supported her financially and made sure she was safe, ok and not miserable. But I have no regrets because I would probably be miserable now if at the back of my mind I had any guilt. This way I can honestly say that I have no regrets and this is the best outcome that I can live with, for myself.
MommyPino,
I certainly didn’t see you sharing for sympathy. I do think we are all different, and likely react differently with different types of ensnarements. The parental narcissist has to be toughest in terms of betrayal of trust, the loss of love that was supposed to be unconditional. Relationship narcs likely more difficult in terms of abuse, physical, sexual, mental and financial. What I’ve learned from reading here is that there are similarities in ensnarements but I think they hurt in different ways and for different reasons and for different empaths. Some of us might take a direct route to full recovery, some the more winding road. Success might look different for different people in different ensnarements and that’s ok I think. We go as far as we can to protect ourselves and be ok with ourselves at the end. I’m not at my ideal Zero Impact if I’m honest, but I’m a hell of a lot better day to day than I was this time last year when I was still ensnared. That has to be a step forward!
Nice to see you back MommyPino. Xx
Thank you TS. I understand what you are saying. I’m glad that this mindset is brought up by HG because it is most definitely helpful if we can do it. And I’m glad that you brought up the uniqueness of each situations too and that sometimes it’s good enough to achieve progress and we can progress in our own pace and what feels authentic and comfortable for us.
mommypino, thank you for sharing this. This is my thinking about my mother. I have to be able to live with myself at the end of the day. I am practicing ANC currently but we live in the same house so I am here if she needs something. It’s working for now. I know she struggles knowing there is fuel so nearby and not able to get to it but were we still in our own homes, as we were prior to moving to one bigger home when my dad needed more help, we would not see each other every day. I used to see them once every month or two! She’s been better since I pointed this out to her, less pouty.
We did have an altercation a couple of days ago though and my son overheard it. When it was done, he followed me and talked to me for at least an hour, in very strong terms, that I cannot let her to continue to abuse me, I need to go put my foot down, he and his sister will back me up, I need to tell her if she doesn’t get it together I’m moving out and he’ll come with me-he told me all the plans to do so even! He was very upset at the way she’d been speaking to me. It was so sweet to hear him talk like this and it gave me hope and encouragement that if need be, I do have choices. And, what’s even more interesting is that he has no clue about GOSO, he won’t talk about narcissism at all, but it was basically what he was telling me to do!
Thank you for sharing, it is something I’ve been really thinking a lot about and different perspectives are valuable.
A Victor, I’m so happy for you that you discovered that about your son. It’s an amazing feeling to know that even though we struggle with boundaries or whatever it may be, that our kids do not and have a bigger chance of having a happy and healthy life and relationships with people. You did well as a mom. It is also very sweet that he loves you and are very protective of you. He is absolutely right and hopefully there can be a way where you have more distance from her and less interactions. You can do it slowly. I think that every progress is a battle won. For me, my mom could not get a job and didn’t have social security and there is no welfare in my home country so if I didn’t support her she would be begging for food and move from relative to relative as she abuse all of them while they let her live with them. But I only telephoned her once a month and visited her once a year. I treated her for vacations when I visited her and she gave me silent treatments in those vacations but I was still able to enjoy those vacations with her for the most part because I was able to focus more on the beauty of the places. But she still got me mad many times and I was not able to learn how to completely detach while I am around her before I learned that she was a narcissist.
Mommypino,
I can totally understand and relate. When it comes to our mothers, I really doubt whether ‘zero impact’ is actually possible. There’s too much unconscious influence, cell-memory, life experience, emotional connections, etc etc. There are also aspects like belief, love, hope and attachment that are healthy for us to have for our own sanity and our own relationships.
It sounds like you have thought it all through and contemplated things deeply and have come to your own personal conclusions that you’re comfortable with. Maybe that is an overall more healthy way to live when it comes to a parent.
Thank you WiserNow.
“It sounds like you have thought it all through and contemplated things deeply and have come to your own personal conclusions that you’re comfortable with.”
Thank you WiserNow, that is exactly it for me. 🙂
You’re welcome MP 😊 I can understand you, because I think and feel the same way about my parents.
I agree. I also feel forgiveness is key. Understanding is key. No one wants to be born an “ empty vessel” or have a personality disorder. Mental illness is real. While you can remove yourself from an unhealthy relationship and move on, it was a damaged human you escaped not an “it.” And how much more of a powerful empath can you be that while closing the door, you leave with compassion, grace and understanding. There are many examples of those who forgave those who did unspeakable acts and moved on. Remember the journalist in South Africa who was murdered. Her parents forgave the murderers. They discussed the system that created the hatred and damage. They loved their daughter, they did not have continued contact, they moved forward with dignity and peace. Most could not do what they did. But it is possible. It is a higher love.
I agree Contagious. Human beings aren’t ‘things’, simply because they are human beings.
It takes inner strength, acceptance and self-compassion to recover from narcissistic abuse, or any type of abuse or trauma. When you have compassion for yourself and seek to know more about both yourself and other humans, you reach a deeper level of understanding. With deeper understanding, there comes knowledge and insight. You learn how to keep going forward and live in a way that is healthier for you and you learn to protect yourself and your own peace.
This is the way life is. This is the way human mental health manifests. To deny it or hate it or wish that it was different will not change what it is.
Im in a relationship with a emotionless narc 19 years with him he is wounded and o dont care
Best best best advice ever. Agree 100%.
*you’re my sensei. Cobra Kai is back and I want to be in your dojo.
Ha ha!!