The Racing Mind
Of the many consequences of becoming entangled with our kind, there is one which is always present. This is the racing mind. The racing mind begins in the hinterland between the seduction and the devaluation as we start to create doubt in your mind, create ambiguity and generate concern on your part. There are hundreds of ways of creating this uncertainty and it only increases when the devaluation proper begins. Our various manipulations are designed to not only draw fuel from you but also to create this pervasive sensation of doubt. You find that you are always asking yourself questions.
“Why did he say that?”
“What did that mean?”
“Why has he done that?”
“What did he do that for?”
“Why is he being like this?”
“Has he really said that about me to somebody else?”
“Would he see somebody else?”
Your day is made up of a succession of attempts to understand why we are saying and doing certain things. Everything becomes analysed as you desperately look for evidence to explain away the thing that you fear most; the loss of the golden period. The impact of our seduction is massive. Owing to our mirroring of you, we are your other half, the you that you have always wanted in your relationship. A perfect love. As a consequence, you do not want to lose us and anything which hints at that happening causes you considerable concern.
As with much of what we do, we apply stealth tactics. We adopt an insidious approach which utilises the typical salami-slicing methodology so that we steadily encroach into your well-being but we do so with such subtlety you fail to notice it. At first you will wonder why we arrived back an hour later than we said we would, but you rationalise it away as we mutter something about traffic. Once we would come and see you and arrive early at the weekend. Now we do not turn up until mid-afternoon. What have we been doing in that time? Why do we no longer want to spend the whole day with you? Is there somebody else? You hope that there is nothing to be concerned about but you cannot help but be concerned as you scrutinise everything that we say and do. After a while you are keeping a tally of how many “xs” we place after our text messages. We usually put three but it has gone down to two. What is the reason for that? Did we simply forget? Did we jab the “x” button but the third one did not appear? Does it mean something? You watch us carefully when we speak to you. Do we seem less happy now? Are we laughing less at that daft but endearing nickname that you labelled us with? Perhaps that is just because we have become used to it but what if it is not and it is down to something else? We made frequent mention of getting married but that has not been mentioned now for, ooh, 17 days, not that you are keeping an exact record of this type of thing are you?
We know that this repeated and frequent questioning has you unable to focus on anything other than you and I. You struggle to concentrate at work because you are ruminating over the ambiguous comment that we made as we left that morning. It saddens you and the nervous sensation in your stomach makes you feel sick. You try to tell yourself that it is nothing and you are over-thinking matters but you definitely heard us say that we needed more space. Were we talking about a larger house, a bigger office or was it a reference to drawing back the relationship with you? You want to ring us up but you do not want to seem silly or anxious and therefore you do nothing. On the few occasions where you pluck up some courage to ask about the latest ambiguity you are patronised, laughed at or receive an irritated glare for having troubled us with such nonsense. We will bat away your concerns only to reinstate that two hours later with some other act or comment.
You are left on edge. You talk to friends and family about it but you can see that they are becoming bored with these repeated scrutiny sessions. Your mother smiles and tells you that you are reading too much into it and it is just the relationship settling down. Your best friend will sit and listen, allowing you to espouse your various theories as you select the evidence from the weekend which in your mind suggests that we are no longer interested in you. She does her best to explain to the contrary but you can see she has become fed-up with such conversations as you pick through what she considers to be minutiae. Your repeated discussions never find any resolution. You feel a moment of calm and then the doubts return. There is nothing concrete to point to. We have not shouted at you and called you names, that is to come, we have not told you that we do not want to be with you anymore, there is nothing so obvious and direct. No, instead it is a litany of inferences, suggestions, nuances and subtleties which when viewed in isolation are meaningless but when you string them together, well, the collective effect leaves you fearing the worst.
We purposefully engender such a state of affairs. Placing you on tenterhooks causes you to provide us with fuel. Making you uncertain has you working harder to remain with us. Creating doubt prevents you from moving forward. By causing you to obsess on the details you miss the bigger picture caused by this racing mind. You fail to notice that it is deliberate. You fail to notice that it is signalling the devaluation proper. You fail to recognise that this the preparatory work for creating a state of uncertainty on which we will base an array of further manipulations. This starts to drain your energy, wear you down, prevent you from doing other things as you relentlessly focus on us and the relationship that you have with us. Everything else becomes background noise as your default setting becomes one by which you must check that everything is alright between us from the moment you wake and if you perceive that it is not, you spend the day with your mind whirling as you catastrophise and worry which only goes on to make it worse.
We bring this to bear in order to control you. We cause this to happen because we can see your worry, sense your concern and gauge your nervousness which provides us with fuel and signifies that this campaign of created uncertainty is working. There is however one particular element which drives the racing mind more than anything. Whilst we behave like this on purpose for the reasons outlined, the creation of the racing mind relies on a particular characteristic that comes from you so that it is particularly effective. It is this attribute, this state of mind, this belief which is central to the racing mind. The occurrence of the racing mind and the sensations of dread, anxiety, nervousness, bewilderment and fear that always accompany it are driven by one core belief of yours.
You believe that your reaction shows just how much you love and adore us.
The existence of worry and repeated analysis convinces you that this is because the love that we have is ultra-special and thus you must fight to retain it.
This notion, understandable as it is, is a fallacy.
You feel like this because you have been manipulated.
12 thoughts on “The Racing Mind”
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“As with much of what we do, we apply stealth tactics. We adopt an insidious approach which utilises the typical salami-slicing methodology so that we steadily encroach into your well-being but we do so with such subtlety you fail to notice it.”
I wonder so much about this one (duh, my racing mind … ). How on earth is the salami-slicing so instinctively timed and executed, in the unaware midrange narcissist.
I experienced this a great deal. I was left reeling all the time as a result of whatever the narcissist had done or said. It took a toll on me and for what? Things just got worse. Something to be learned from, since the narc is gone.
Absolutely spot on, all of it! Great article.
I have a question please, HG: how would a normal react, if at all, to those first alterations in the relationship (since normals can be ensnared too, even if it is less frequent)?
They are far more likely to escape because there is no addiction to keep them in place.
Thank you for answering, HG.
In brief:
1. Normals don’t sit there asking themselves so many bloody questions.
2. The fact that they have no addiction to the narcissist means that they’ll flee because for them, the supposedly ‘fabulous’ moments are not worth putting up with the horrible ones.
3. Also, having someone to ‘save’, to ‘heal’,to listen to for hours etc, is not what they are after so they will think of their own needs and not put up with devaluation.
I’ve always wished I’d been born with an instructions manual, to work out how to go about life/relationships, haha. Better late than never, I guess.
Hi Fiddleress, This is a great synopsis of how they process differently, I wish I was normal. That said, I once again go back to some things not learned in childhood that should be, that of how to value ourselves and choose a mate wisely, both by example and guidance. I believe those things start when we are young and must be woven throughout our upbringings for full benefit, to make it second nature. I was thinking about my own children earlier today, I have a new grandson and his father is a narcissist I believe. It makes me sad to know that I inadvertently, through my example and lack of guidance, taught my daughter to settle and didn’t give her a strong sense of self worth because I didn’t have one myself. And to need the drama, I think this is a lot of where the addiction stems from, at least for me, I didn’t know life without drama having grown up with a narc mom. I don’t know, these were just thoughts today, I have 4 children and I believe 3 of them are empaths, maybe the fourth as well. So, upward and onward, now I teach by example and guidance as they allow, they are adults, they are intelligent, I hope they get it before I did.
AV, I agree with you that there are definitely some things we could not learn during our childhood with narcissists for parents. I am afraid that my fight against the deep-seated feeling I am unloveable will last all my life, because that is what I grew up with, and my parents never changed when I became an adult, of course. That feeling is always there, it is skin-deep, always ready to resurface at the slightest occasion. But I bear in mind that it is ‘false knowledge’, if I can call it this way. So it might take some perpetual checking, but I can now see it is a wrongful ‘heritage’.
I am saying this in detail, because your children are intelligent AND they have you as a mother; so if they are empaths you can guide them with everything that you know/are learning now. They are still young, younger than you (and me), that is their luck: time is on their side, they have plenty of time ahead of them to ‘unlearn’ what they think they know, about needing the drama, for instance.
I also think that each of us is on his or her journey in life, and that each of us is born with their temperament, or with a genetic predisposition for this or that personality, and that genetic part is quite out of the hands of the parents (I am nothing like my parents, and neither is my brother and yet he is different from me too).
Just wanted to let you know that having beaten myself up for not having been a perfect mother (which is lucky for them, I hear!), I can understand your qualms, but we really need to let go of them.
(All this is said as gently as possible x)
Aw, Fiddleress, that was such a sweet comment, I only took it as gentle! Thank you so much! I too believe I will struggle with feeling lovable my entire life, in a romantic way at least. It would take a superhuman to overcome that with me I believe and have gone back to my pre online dating site feeling of contentedness at being alone. Today at least. 🙂
Thank you for the reminder that my children have time on their side as well. I mean, if I can learn it now, they are a step ahead already!
And yes, that genetic thing is there, the personalities we are given etc. I will try not to beat myself up, thank you again! I didn’t even really realize I was doing that! It’s all just getting sorted out you know. And that is easier on some fronts than others.
I could read these articles over and over again and still get something out of them.
Thank you, HG.
You are welcome.
Some of the concepts in some of these articles are really frustrating. In this one, the intentionality of what the narcissist does, even though they are likely not aware of what they’re doing. Also, this one takes me right back to the early days of my relationship with my ex, I didn’t know there were relationships where people didn’t have doubts and insecurities, and the whole time he was getting fuel.
AV, you saying “Some of the concepts in some of these articles are really frustrating” – I know exactly what you mean – it is like one of those ‘triggers’,
And I suppose, for a very small number of us on this ‘learning curve’ may feel somewhat ‘ignorant’ – true in a way – because we were young in those days and lack of ‘life knowledge / skills’ in relationships with others was a big contributing factor to why we got affected by narcissism in others – especially the fact our mothers are narcissists….. and not having learnt the skills we needed to learn as children…… bummer.