The Futility of Your Feelings
Feelings are an unnecessary burden and thankfully I have been relieved of many of them, being left only with those which are deemed necessary to enable me to pursue the harvesting of fuel. Feelings blur and weaken. How many times have you heard your alarm go off in the morning and you have rolled over feeling like you do not want to get up? Many times I should imagine. That feeling of apprehension about what the day holds for you, despondency at what has happened to you and dread about what you have to do weakens you and holds you back. You spend much of your life in the pursuit of this notion of happiness but are you ever truly happy? Do you look at what you have and wish you had more? Do you look at other people around you and imagine how happy they must be and you wish that you were more like them? All you achieve is bitterness. Perhaps you do feel happy but as the empath that you are you see those who you regard as less happy than you and you wish that they could be more like you. All you achieve is vanity. You spend so much of your time seeking to be happy and then you worry about whether it is fleeting in nature. You express concern that you just want to be happy and spend more and more time trying to achieve this state of nirvana. You suffer from feeling sadness which leads to paralysis and indecision. You feel frustrated which sucks up your energy and leaves you feeling spent. You take pride in your ability to feel and to be able to feel on behalf of others yet all you are doing is allowing yourself to be burdened. Why bother pursuing those feelings which are regarded as positive, such as joy, happiness and elation? Is the effort truly worth it when you get there only for it to be a fleeting moment which then casts you into despondency? What was the point of that? Why allow yourself to be mired in upset, misery and dejection? You achieve nothing as you slowly sink into a quagmire of such negativity. Your feelings deceive you, press down on you and above all else allow us to manipulate you. It is because you feel this array of emotions that you provide us with emotional reactions. Of course you know that these emotional reactions create my fuel. Your feelings are to blame.
I never acquired these feelings. This is because the pursuit of fuel cannot be distracted by these cumbersome emotions. They serve no purpose and thus were never developed. I am built for the acquisition of fuel and nothing else. I am an efficient design, single-minded and driven. All excess baggage was not jettisoned, it was never stowed on board to begin with. I am not wholly without feelings. I have been developed in a way to allow certain feelings, those that aid my purpose, to come to the fore. I feel fury which ensures that I can exert control over other people and thus extract fuel from them. I feel envy which drives me on to strip away those traits from other people which I need to create my construct. If I felt no envy, I would not want these characteristics – thus this feeling serves a purpose. There is no superfluous feeling connected with me. I feel jealousy which again causes me to strive to better that person by lauding my own achievements and prompting a reaction which garners positive fuel or by berating the person of whom I am jealous and thus I harvest negative fuel. I feel hatred. This allows me to see everything as it truly is. Hatred hones and brings into sharp focus the reality of this cruel world and thus I am better able to navigate my way through it. Hatred is visceral, it is not fluffy or amorphous. It does not cloud or blur. It is direct, straight to the point and electrifying in its capacity to allow me to always go forward. All of these feelings and ones of a similar nature have been fashioned around me to assist me in my quest for fuel. Each one discharges a method of enabling me to gather fuel so that I can feel the ultimate emotion. My pursuit of fuel is predicated on the use of these various emotions with the sole purpose of allowing me to feel that emotion which I prize above all others.
I feel powerful.
I am powerful.
40 thoughts on “The Futility of Your Feelings”
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*knew of narcissism…
Haha, Leigh, no, you’re not alone! It was a very different experience for me than for many here. He was mostly quite pleasant to me, when we fought we seldom swore or said we hated each other, never name-called, didn’t raise our voices too often. Once I realized how that was affecting our children, I didn’t fight with him any more for many years, until near the end. Then it was only when his behavior affected the children. We always said I love you, kissed hello and goodbye, cuddled in bed or the couch. He was not supportive of my personal endeavors except as they related to the children or the house, for his facade I suppose. He did withhold sex, a lot. He knew that would really hurt me, all of our children are 5 years apart, go figure. And he cheated, again, from what I’ve been learning, I believe a lot. And I just accepted what he said but my heart hurt. We functioned very independently of each other in most ways and I thought someday we would enjoy our empty nest together with fewer distractions, that thought got me through many days of feeling very much like a single mother or a nanny. But, he never loved me really, and was never invested. Do you know the song “Hold on Loosely”? That song was kind of my motto, not realizing it did not have to be that way. But with the type of empath I am, my history as an ACON, his personality etc. in many ways, we were a good match. Had I known earlier that some of his behaviors were actually abuse, I may have thought differently. But, he was much nicer than either of my parents in many ways so I thought, “Yay! I have found a good man!”. I need to read Black Flag but it is so hard, I don’t want to know what is in there, I just feel like a failure for not seeing it. For future protection it is important though, but very emotional. These mid rangers are very sneaky.
AV, these mid rangers are sneaky and come in all different flavors. My husband doesn’t withhold sex. He withholds everything else, but not sex. I always have to be the one who initiates though. He either doesn’t initiate sex or if he does decide to initiate, it will be at an inappropriate time so I will have to say no. Then he will smear me and tell people that I don’t give him sex. He doesn’t cheat on me, as far as I know. I’ve never been suspicious of that. Also, I didn’t feel like a single mom all the time. My husband helped out with the children. When we did things as a family though, often he wasn’t there. Other than sex, we spend absolutely no time together as a couple. Its funny because he will tell people I’m the love of his life but he never would do anything with me. EVER! I would even try and come up with things that he liked, like going to the casino or a ball game, and he still wouldn’t want to spend time with me. I eventually gave up trying. I thought my husband was good man too but there was always that nagging feeling and truthfully, I knew in my gut that I didn’t want to grow old with him.
Yes, I’ve heard of the song Hold on Loosely. I love that song. I know exactly what you mean. You didn’t want to cling.
Hi Leigh, I don’t think my ex ever smeared me, except to the other women probably. He was actually proud of me and would tell me when others said nice things about me to him. He smeared me horribly the last two months but he was already one foot out the door by then. I didn’t know until much later.
Because of the work he did, he was on call 24/7, 365 days a year unless he took vacation time. He did a fair amount of the work from our home but much of it was in the field. Because of this he had absolute freedom to come and go as he pleased. If I told him a piano recital was coming up his automatic response was “If I don’t get a call..”. I heard this every time, to the point where it made me dread telling him anything, it made me want to scream at him not to say it, I knew long before we weren’t the most important thing. Funny thing, the job wasn’t either, it was the freedom it allowed him. The other funny thing was that in 23 years he missed maybe one birthday, not one Christmas or Thanksgiving, or piano recital etc. He would also hang out with us at the park, walking, various things. He and I went out regularly also but we had nothing to discuss, it was like I was out with a stranger. But these things were always at his whim, hence the feeling like a single mom, it wasn’t constant but when he wasn’t there, he wasn’t there. In the house, he ignored the kids mostly and while he would interact with me it was so shallow it didn’t matter, I could never get below the surface with him.
I wasn’t just suspicious of the infidelity, there was proof but I stuck my head in the sand because I… just did. It started long before we were even married. I just accepted his excuses but I knew.
I had that nagging feeling too, absolutely understand that. It was so hard, everyone we knew thought he was perfect, we were perfect, I was perfect etc but it was all such a lie. I never once spoke of the other women to one single person, looking back I can’t even believe that but no one would’ve believed me anyway, they thought he was head over heels for me. It was so weird, like an alternate dimension. I like the reality I have now much better. Thank you for this conversation. It is getting me to really accept some things that have been convenient to leave unsorted.
I hope you can find what you’re looking for in whatever choices you make going forward too.
AV, I’m glad this conversation is helping you gain awareness. It’s helping me too. I finally get to share my side. Thank you for sharing. I can relate to so much of what your sharing.
Hi Leigh,
Coming back to this conversation, I have looked at older comments also, seeing that cognitive dissonance has likely played a huge part in how I view how my marriage was. I really appreciate your openness with regard to your marriage, it has been very helpful for my understanding. Living in someone else’s lies and stated (distorted) perception of things, my entire life really, it is a wonder that I, or any ACON, can ever see the truth. I am so grateful for you helping me work this out, I plan to just start over, as much as is possible, rewriting the rules, so to speak, for my reality, past and present. It is terrifying to consider in a way, it’s a very real look at things, but necessary I think for moving forward, out from under the fog of ET. I mean, good grief, how can someone get to my age and not even know what the definition for love is? There is something really wrong with that. I knew there was no respect from my parent’s to myself, particularly my mother, but I didn’t see how that translated to my ex and I didn’t see how that was a clear indicator that they did not in fact love me, even though I knew there was no love from her and always worried about what I would do to lose my dad’s “love”. If one is worried about that, it is not the real thing. But there was no going into that thinking prior to coming here, it was too harsh. Anyway, thank you for your help and for listening.
AV, living in someone else’s lies. That’s the nail on the head. We are living in their reality. Not only am I living in this false reality, I help perpetuate. I’m his top lieutenant. As an ACON myself, I know what you mean. My whole life has been a lie too.
As for love, for me its peace, harmony, contentment. Its seeing my children happy. I know what it is, I just haven’t truly experienced it yet.
I hope we both get to experience it at some point.
Hi AV, reading the last part of your comment, RE: the book Black Flag, if you feel it is not time to read it, then don’t force yourself to do so as yet. Do not call yourself a failure, not in any way at all. You are stronger than that. Just do your ‘education’ at your own pace, there is no time-scale. I have bad days too – it happens – to us all – it’s human nature. You are doing really well, hang in there (sending you virtual hug) 🙂
Hi Asp Emp, thank you! I’m so confused because I really don’t understand fully how my ex or my dad abused me but I know it was there. Living with abuse my entire life there are degrees so the not so bad is easier to overlook in light of the horrific. It will possibly be a relief when I am ready, and I think it’s getting close, my copy of Black Flag in paperback has arrived and my pen and highlighters are ready! Thank you again, for the supportive comment and the hug!
Hi AV, from what I am reading – you are just trying to ‘understand’ from your perspective on everything that he did, dad did. It is not easy to do when your emotions are ‘blocking’ your logical thinking in respect to your two relationships, especially the fact it is also the length of time that these relationships ‘lasted’. Maybe your ‘hurt’ is very, very deep and the fact you gave your all to these relationships and then doing your ‘education’ you get bouts of anger about it all.
Another part to it is that when people (like you and me) realise that the narcissism makes us all see the situation from our own perspectives – the non-narcissists (those with emotional empathy) are probably more than likely to feel anger towards themselves for “allowing” such ‘abuse’, gaslighting, the ‘cheating’, blameshifting, deflecting to go on ‘under the radar’ (in effect, not be ‘spotted’ or ‘realised’ sooner).
It is not just you affected, your children were too. As a mother, you’d feel ‘pissed off – how dare he treat my kids like that’.
I guess, what I am saying is that you have more people involved / around you affected by the narcissism in your relationships.
At first, when I came to KTN, I felt anger. As I learned more, the more I could see more clearly what had gone on in my past. Reading ‘The Creature – An Introduction’ was like a light-bulb moment and the re-discovery of my own ‘darkness’. It is easier for me because I don’t have the past narcissists around at all – it’s like they’re dead (well, one is). At the same time, my own brain-wiring contributes to the ‘different’ perspective (and in some cases) different ways of understanding compared to those considered ‘normals’.
Well done you for getting this far and continuing to be the strong person you are 🙂
Good morning Asp Emp, no I don’t get angry really or often, not often at all. If I do, is very fleeting. I was just making that compared to what my mother did to us, my dad and my ex were pleasant people. But they weren’t. I get more “angry” at myself for the ex, for the trains you started, more people were involved and thus hurt by him/us. Thank you for your encouragement, that support, from people here, had been invaluable.
“…for the trains you started…”??? Darn autocorrect, I don’t even know what I was thinking! I’m sorry! But, I’m laughing too!!
Laughing. Is it to do with a Peter Gabriel song? 😉
AE, Haha, no, I don’t think so. I rarely refer to songs, my family teases me for not connecting the artist to the tune, a lifelong issue, likely relating to not remembering names well either. But I can tell you everyone’s birthday, if I’ve heard it once. Go figure!
AV, the reference to the song was a joke – it was mentioned on another thread on this blog. ‘Sledgehammer’.
Interesting, you saying about birthdays compared to other types of information. I can recall numeric information better myself. Some people are unique with certain facts & figures…… it can be classed as ‘latent’ talent, sound like you have that.
Ah, I knew it was a joke, didn’t catch the connection to the other thread, I don’t think I saw that. But, now you know something new about me, I remember birth dates, and we have it in common! I used to have it with phone numbers too, pre-cell phones. Both are annoying since it is unnecessary information. Names would be far more useful, but I can’t change it. My ex retained every sports stat that ever was, that always boggled my mind! Why is it called “latent” talent?
Latent talents = something you are really good at and have a natural ability for – which should be embraced & encouraged & built up on from a child…… apparently it’s called latent because it is something ‘hidden’ & not yet discovered……
Thank you!
We never said we hated each other, until once at the very end. That was a bad bad day. I wrote that as an afterthought in the previous comment and in the wrong spot. This is the quandary, how could we be so nice and yet it was so bad?
AV, thats the cognitive dissonance. Its all very polite and pleasant.
This is how I look at it. They don’t set out to abuse. The narcissism (the subconscious) sets out to fill the prime aims, although the conscious self doesn’t know that. The conscious self just thinks they want to be loved and to be happy, just like everyone else.
So you probably filled the prime aims and was easily under control so the manipulations and your treatment was probably very benign. You probably didn’t challenge him much either. Try to think back to times when you didn’t agree with him. Was he still benign?
My husband is benign until I challenge him or criticize him. Then he’s not so benign. He knows how to make it look like it ls all my fault. He will poke and prod until I explode and then he tells me I’m acting like a child.
As for telling him I hate him, I have been pushed to that point in the past. Its usually during a Cliff Fightback. Interestingly, he’s never said it to me. Another way to make me look like the bad guy. He will tell people that he loves me so much that he will continue to stay by my side even though she tells me she hates me.
I know what you mean about the degrees of abuse too. My father used physical abuse and my mother was neglectful. My husband doesn’t use his fists and I wouldn’t call him neglectful either. He did help out with the children. Although he was a drug addict and spent all his money on drugs and cigarettes. I had to carry the weight. Hes made one financial mistake after another and I’m always left to clean it up.
Wow Leigh, the more we chat, the more similar I see us in many ways. You are correct, I was brought up with the understanding that you did not challenge, both from my parent’s marriage and the religious beliefs in my background. I was also never allowed to challenge my parents so it came very naturally to not do so with him. I just did things behind their back, first, and then his. And you are also correct regarding when I did challenge him, he had all kinds of “non-invasive” ways to invade and get me back “in line” so to speak. I want to say I feel so bad that you still have this in your life, it was so oppressive to live that way but I don’t want to offend you, please know that I would never say that from any judgmental perch or expect you to do anything, I just feel your pain and hurt for you.
AV, I’m not offended. I know you’re coming from a place of empathy. You only want what’s best for me. Do you have savior in you too?
You dont have to feel bad for me though. I choose to stay. I’m completely aware of the man my husband is and I still stay. Thats on me. Plus, other than him, my life is pretty good. I’m healthy, I have two beautiful children, I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my belly. Who can ask for more?
Thank you for caring though. I do appreciate it.
Now on a different note, you’re a better person then I am. I would have told Sarah to kiss me where the sun don’t shine!
Leigh,
Hahaha, I hate that my passive-aggressive side came out a bit, ugh. Hate that part of me. Better that than what it could have been though. Lol!
I am primarily Savior, 60 some odd percent. It has been so difficult to see it in myself though. But I think it’s partly why I stayed with my ex as long as I did.
We do have good lives, both of us, I have the same blessings and am also grateful.
Leigh. You can feel better about your life. You really can GOSO please! Take it from me I was with my Narcissist for a long time. I know exactly how you feel because I felt the same way. I am giving you my advice. Please do not let children stand in your way. I had the courage to leave and you can too. You will feel freedom and better about yourself. I am not pushing you because it can be very scary at first but you will and can do it! I am here for you honestly. Take baby steps and visualize your life without this man in your life. You deserve so much better and he doesn’t deserve you ! HG can help guide you in the right direction.
Just please listen to what I had to say. I am sending you a very big hug and know we are all here for you !
Thank you for your support Eternity. I’ll get there. I promise. Its funny you say to visualize my life without him in it. That’s not something I do. I don’t visualize or picture or think about the future. I kind of just live in the moment. I only worry about today or the immediate future. I also don’t dwell on the past. What’s done is done.
Leigh, cognitive dissonance:. when we tell ourselves it’s fine when it’s not really fine? I had not heard that term prior to KTN, thank you for pointing it out here.
Dissonance is discord or a lack of harmony. So yes, we tell ourselves its fine but its not fine and we feel that. Its saying one thing but doing another. It causes tension.
Thank you, this is a good description, going in my phone for quick reference.
I would suggest you consult with HG.
This article feels judgemental toward empaths. But, it’s probably how it seems to the narcissist when I say “I’m so sad for you not to have feelings as I do.”, as if they have a deficiency. Perspective again.
AV, may I ask you a question? I apologize if I’m crossing a boundary and you certainly don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. Did you experience highs with your husband? Did he light a fire in your belly? I remember you talking about Summer Narc. Did your husband do the same for you?
I’m asking because, its very flat with my husband. I can’t ever remember experiencing a high with him. Its either been flat or real low. However, with workplace narc, i experienced super high and super lows. It was almost never flat.
I just wanted to know what your experiences were like.
Thank you in advance.
Ah, Leigh, this is something I have thought about a lot. At first I thought I’d had a bronze period with my husband and golden with the SN. But then as I thought about it more, looking back, it wasn’t that, it was the golden period of a much more mellow person and the bronzish period of a much more flamboyant and active person. This was confirmed when I did narc detectors on both of them, my ex is a MMRA and SN is a ULA, both Somatic.
My ex was mildly, very mildly, exciting for the first few months and then not at all. We did not laugh together much ever. The SN kept me in stitches! And also, fanning myself, whew, hot all the time! But, I did get scary glimpses of what was under his mask at times, no thank you. My ex never had much reaction to…much really, very boring, but also the abuse was much milder, in a way, virtually never physical, save the rape, but still just as controlling and extremely damaging, I felt like he took the life out of me.
I have really been stunned to learn of the various things that have happened in my life, by the different narcissists, that HG says are abuse but I didn’t know they were. I have been putting off reading Black Flag because, though learning about this explains so much, it is so hard to get my head around, I don’t want it to be so. But, to answer your question, no, no fire, boring, in bed and out, even during the golden period.
AV, so much of our life stories are similar. Thank you for sharing. I appreciate it.
On another post you said, “I have a tendency of going south really fast.” I don’t think your comments ever go “South”. I think you’re always very friendly and pleasant.
Leigh, thank you for your sweet words! I am not always friendly and pleasant but I do try. What I meant by going south is I can get raunchy, but I often feel embarrassed afterward, so really prefer not to. I tend to get a giggle out of it when others do though and I appreciate that.
Also, I agree that we have much in common. I’m curious, if you care to share, why you asked me that question? As I said, I have thought about it a lot so I’m not surprised, just curious. I want to learn more about the difference between a MMRA typical devaluation vs that of the Stepford Devaluation, and more about the various types of devaluations in general as this may answer some questions I have about what happened in my marriage and to me.
AV, I asked for selfish reasons. I wanted to know that I’m not alone. That I’m not the only one who stays with a narcissist that’s boring and flat. There was never any golden period. Barely a bronze period. I always felt bad for him.
As for devaluation, it was very subtle. He’s extremely passive aggressive. I’ve experienced the Incredible Sulk on numerous occasions. He always makes it about him. I’ll give you an example, I had just given birth to our first baby and it was an emergency c-section. I was in a lot of pain. I was in the hospital for 4 days. The whole time he was there he would complain how much his back hurt. At one point I got so tired of hearing him say it, that I said to him, “I don’t give a fuck about your back. I just had a fucking c-section!” Well, he proceeds to tell me how mean I was and that I hurt his feelings. What about my feelings? I just gave birth to your child. That didn’t matter. I ended up having to apologize to him so he would stop sulking. He likes to make me explode and then turn it around on me. I fall for it every time!
Leigh, I am so sorry you had this experience at such a special time. These stories take me back to the original definition I knew I’d narcissism, “everything is always so about them.”! Jerks.
Leigh, I am responding to this comment because I can’t respond to the other one. We can’t change the past but , we can change the future, we only live once and life is very precious. You have support here and this is the place you can talk about it.
Sometimes we need to make decisions that are difficult, but in the end it will be the best decision you will ever make. You will saying to yourself I should have done this long time ago. You will feel relief and better about yourself. Don’t let him win ! Take care xoxo
I’d rather feel the way I do now compared to this time last year. I was very emotionally & mentally ‘drained’ and ‘weighed’ down under the trauma & difficulties of many things going on at the same time in the summer / autumn 2019 – it got all compounded together into a one hell of a quagmire of confusion & depression.
So, in some way, it was all an ‘unnecessary’ burden – simply because of my lack of understanding and knowledge about narcissism and also aspects about myself. So, I would say that knowledge is ‘power’ just by being empowered by HG’s work. Thank you, HG.
I totally can relate but also with all that going on, or even with ESPECIALLY all that going on people only see what they want to see and hear what they want to hear. No one can change that perception or cognitive bias unless the person allows. Some get lost dregs of addiction multiple times, and never tell a partner… just leave evidence in a pocket. In my case, it was an explosive time and only that time. Seeking forgiveness willing to accept any punishment for them to feel vindicated. My personality is a walking paradox, more than i ever knew… Certainly I am people pleaser, honest most of the time, worry incessantly that am I enough. Some say I am what I am, and some say “You are…what I believe you are.” So, labelling and in effect negating you see. So, you be you and i’ll be me.