When the Narcissist Loses The Real One

 

What happens when the narcissist loses the best appliance?

How does the narcissist react to that?

What is going through the narcissists mind?

Does the narcissist realise they have lost “The Real One”?

21 thoughts on “When the Narcissist Loses The Real One

  1. LG says:

    Thank you Mr. Tudor. You are literally saving my life with your writings. I have been married to a mid ranger for 3 decades. When I decided to get divorced, I started dating, and of course I immediately was ensnared by another mid ranger. I thought I was losing my mind. But now I understand the truth of what they are, and what I am, and I am niw using logic and i am going to live. I will live narc free and enjoy the rest of my life. Thank you. You deserve a wonderful place in heaven for helping all of us, I hope I meet you someday there. You deserve such a goid peace there for helping us.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  2. Empath007 says:

    Very good.

    I enjoyed this. Over the years whenever I hear people say “it’s his loss… he/she is missing out” or “he/she didn’t deserve you”… I think to myself, not really, he’s not missing out not being with me. There are plenty of other special people in the world.

    I will say thing though. Before me my narc was dating another narc. And he’d often compare his feelings of each of us telling me “comparing you to her is laughable”. I know he never told her he loved her because she would have boasted about that. And the two of us were treated very differently. I understand now, thats because he could not affect her (the narcissits) in the same way he could affect me … the empath. So In narc speak he was telling “the truth”.

    His awareness of the differences though always freaked me out. And when he admitted to me he was a narc he also admitted he knew she was one too.

    While I know he can’t feel regret. I often wonder for a split second if he regretted telling me his deep dark secret … that he’s a narcissits. While days later he did the usual narc thing and he spun me as the abuser to take back control and lack accountability.

    I can’t help but wonder… am I the only one he’s ever told his secret too ? And if so… does he regret it?

  3. lisk says:

    HG, I’m so busy at work— I wish I could write more and hang out here more.

    In short: this is my favorite so far.

    I love what you do!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Lisk.

  4. BC30 says:

    I am 100% past this. I couldn’t grasp it when the wounds were fresh. We are all amazing and loving people. We’ve just suffered this misfortune.

  5. lindseymarie says:

    THANK YOU HG for this video.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  6. BC30 says:

    Ok, but I still have my lottery fantasy.

  7. Duchessbea says:

    Brilliant video HG. Thank you. 💗

  8. lickemtomorrow says:

    Definitely some home truths in there. We all want to be “the one”. The narcissist treats us like we are “the one, in their infatuation believing that to be the case. It’s actually a relief not to be the one. Wanting the narcissist to wallow will only encourage our own wallowing. And that makes the escape, or letting go, even harder. It was interesting to get the narcissist’s take on the empath’s escape and their ongoing need for control (i.e. “you’re not going anywhere”). It’s never about us, it’s always about them.

    I had a chuckle at my own desire to throw it back in the narcs face in terms of what he was missing out on. He doesn’t care. Knowing that’s the case makes it easier to walk away. Also knowing at some point he’s not going to care about the next appliance or the appliance after that. No doubt, he’d already discarded a few before he got to me, so what makes me so special? Nothing.

    I think there’s something to be said for being “worthless” in the narcissist’s eyes.

    #nottherealone <3

    1. A Victor says:

      LET, I have had the same thought a few times..

      1. lickemtomorrow says:

        For me these are helpful thoughts, AV. I hope they are for you, too. At least when you get to a certain stage of your journey here they are easier to take on board I think x

        1. A Victor says:

          LET, okay, I’m going to really expose myself here perhaps, my narcissistic trait of pride and my foolish choices. I never doubted that I would be “the one” once I chose him. Of course, not understanding the narcissist thought process, I was unaware that the choosing had already occurred, and not by me, as well as the fact that for them, there never is a “one”. But, once I decided such, haha, it was then going to happen. The problem with this was that in order to make/allow this happening, I had to conform to whatever he wanted. So, in the end, I became the one who lost myself. Your comment that it’s never about us, always about them is so right on. I am beginning to think that my narcissist trait of pride has been so thoroughly corrupted, I need a complete makeover in this regard. I need to put the focus of it not on them but perhaps on myself, so that I know that I am worth something real with someone real. I have not caught up to your stage but look forward to doing so.

          1. lindseymarie says:

            I can understand this. I had quite a bit of pride too thinking I’m class A fuel and no way he’s going to get that anywhere else. Only because I was sooooo happy and eager to please him. Ha! Pretty narcissistic of me to think that. He likely has forgotten I exist or when he thinks of me it’s with fury (as I left him). I’m sure the next one, or the ex who never really went away even during our relationship, will now be seen as “the one”. He has no regrets, no remorse, and certainly isn’t sitting around feeling like he screwed up. I thought that he would have (before finding HG) but not anymore. This video is gold. Oh and I too started to become a shell of a human being to be a good appliance, losing touch with my feelings, needs and self respect. At one point I knew he was a narc and was willing to keep going by shutting off all of my emotions with him, only giving, expecting nothing from him. A life of servitude to one who could never be pleased and who could never love me back. That’s how ensnared I was.

          2. A Victor says:

            Lindseymarie, you do get it. That’s why I love this site, people here do. And thank you for not judging. I now understand how he could walk away and never look back, even at his kids, it doesn’t make it any less sad but it does answer the question. No regrets, remorse or reminiscing for the narcissist. I shut down too, but not my hope and desire for improvement, of course, making it very painful. “A life of servitude to one who could never be pleased and who could never love me back.” This was me as well, only my children’s well being being threatened pulling me out of my daze enough to begin making changes and forcing me to follow through. I am glad we are both here now. Thank you for your kind and relatable reply.

          3. lindseymarie says:

            I’m happy that you could relate! Truly unless someone has gone through this, they will not be able to understand.

          4. lickemtomorrow says:

            This video is gold and so is your response, Lindseymarie <3

            Well done on your escape x

          5. lickemtomorrow says:

            AV, I can relate to everything you said – including the trait of narcissistic pride and believing I was “the one”. From my perspective we are brought up to believe there is a “one” and often spend our whole lives seeking them. Not to say that those who aren’t seduced and entangled by narcissists can actually have the experience – it is possible and HG doesn’t try to tell us otherwise.

            And we were both unaware we’d already been chosen, no doubt lined up in their sights like the targets we were. Although, that in some ways is not unlike normal coupling, which is why this is probably all so confusing at times!

            Even so, as HG says and as you say, there is never a “one” for them. We put all our energies into believing that. They completely absorb our energies as a means of fuelling themselves. Let’s just say we’re a nice handy gas or fuelling station on the highway of narcissism! If we think of ourselves that way we can see how insignificant we are in the bigger picture. I like to work with images and that’s the first time I thought of it that way, but it works for me 😉

            But yes, we feel like we are making the decision, too, and for us they are the real one and that is why our hearts get broken. Because we mean it, and we don’t have this awful self defence mechanism that keeps us from truly connecting with another person. Or even connecting with ourselves.

            It’s true. I lost myself in my partners also. I gave myself away, literally, as you do in your wedding vows believing he was “the one”, and we do find ourselves conforming as the element of control is applied. In that sense we do lose ourselves.

            I’m not sure about our traits being corrupted. I’ve never really think about it that way. Corrupted for me is a negative term. But I suppose if we feel they are being utlilized in a negative sense then that makes sense. And in some ways they can be seen as negative traits, even though they can be used to our advantage. Ha! You’ve got me in a philosophical mood now 😛 But, it’s not something I worry about and I hope you don’t either. Being aware is a bonus. Beating ourselves up about things is not.

            And definitely putting more of the focus on ourselves is what we need to do. You are worth something real with someone real, AV. We all are. My thinking is we first need to get ourselves untangled from the narcissist/s while at the same time “arming” ourselves. Once that is done, and it can take a while, we are then ready for the next step which hopefully will be something real <3 xox

          6. A Victor says:

            Let, after thinking about my comment after I posted it, better to think first I found, I listened to my TDC. Pride is my highest N trait but, unless it was corrupted by just meeting my ex, it p probably was just my usual pride, not corrupted, that made me think this way. That’s even less flattering. Cinderella is my favorite fairytale, I just wanted to find my Prince Charming as a girl. Ha.

            After our initial meeting, my ex showed up unexpectedly art places I was with friends 3-4 times. It was odd. I should’ve been freaked out. But hey, free country so… Later I asked our mutual friend about it, she’d been feeding him. She thought we’d be cute together, she was “helping” me. Why didn’t she ask me before telling him, or better, send him to ask me? Again, odd.

            Yes, the similarity to normal is confusing at times.

            I am now a gas ⛽ pump going forward, in my mind, with regard to narcissists. That’s really good! Thank you!

            I am glad to not have this defense mechanism, though, since the video, I am becoming more happy that some do.

            Yes, taking the time to improve and arm ourselves, with knowledge, is wise. You always offer such well thought out comments Let, I really appreciate reading them!

          7. lickemtomorrow says:

            Hey, AV, thanks for sharing more of your story <3 If I share from my perspective, I would have taken your ex's appearances as a compliment. At least when it became clear he had an interest. To me that would seem like the normal trajectory of a relationship. So I'm not sure how you could have known any different at the time.
            Especially not having the awareness we have now. I'm curious about your friend and the help she was supposedly giving you … do you think she may have been some kind of Lieutenant or just a misguided normal? The usual thinking would be she probably thought she was doing you a favour acting as a wingman/woman encouraging the relationship. Unfortunately we can't operate on the basis of what the normal's might think anymore. I was encouraged in my last relationship by a misguided empath. She was also a love devotee. Unaware empaths, like she and I both were at the time, walk blindly into these things together it seems never meaning any harm. I'm sure it's the same for the normals.

            Gosh, I don't want you to really think of yourself as a gas pump, but I see you have qualified that "with regard to narcissists" 😉 In that sense we're both gas pumps and I love the emoji you added as a reminder! It may just be one more way to separate us from the very personal notion of what we mean to the narcissist. I need to keep taking the personal out of it. I really struggle to do that at times.

            You won't have seen my comments from when I was first here back in May last year, but there I mentioned that I initiated a little flirting game with my narc-ex which was to do with fuel levels. LOL. We talked about regular fuel, jet fuel, and rocket fuel 😛 Dependent on the mood, these were our code words. LMFAO now at that while having no idea of the reality or ramifications! I couldn't have been more on point in some ways …

            Thank you for your compliment, AV. I really appreciate all you have shared as well. And my highest narcissistic trait is pride, too. It may corrupt my empathic traits, but once again that word in not really in my vocabulary for the most part. I accept sometimes it comes to the fore. Me saying I would feel complimented by the narcissist in your situation is potentially tapping into that element of pride, but I'd say it's more just feeling good about someone showing an interest and I don't think there's anything prideful about that. We all want/need to feel good about ourselves. Some of us have been starved of that option as children, making us much more vulnerable. That's where I may need to put the watchword on my heart when it comes to the narcissist. They can smell our vulnerability a mile away!

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