Is the Narcissist Secretly Gay?

38 thoughts on “Is the Narcissist Secretly Gay?

  1. Violetta says:

    Fun to revisit this one, with recent publicity about reality star Colton Underwood coming out of the closet. (Never watch these things, but I do like reading the gossip sometimes.) A number of readers wondered why he was stalking the woman he was linked with on the show after their breakup, if he was gay. My first thought was “Control, of course.” I’m going to guess that if he’s a full Narcissist, he’s not going to treat his male relationships any better, once the Golden Period is over. It isn’t about orientation at all. People who think his problem was just repression are in for a serious disappointment.

  2. Karla Anderson says:

    Your vault is enlightening.
    My ex Narc. told me on 3 different occassions when we argued that “he understands why men become homosexuals”. Can you give me any insight on why he made that comment?

    1. Alexissmith2016 says:

      Triangulating you Karla. Putting doubt in your head as to whether he would have sex with another man.

      1. Karla Anderson says:

        Thank you for commenting. Why or how would making me doubt his sexuality benefit him?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Keeps you engaged and thus being controlled and providing fuel.

          1. Karla Anderson says:

            I live in a country where homosexuality is not widely accepted.

            Could he be hinting that he is sexually fluid and secretly he does get sexual attention from men if it benefits him?

    2. Alexissmith2016 says:


      Id put a lot of money on it that it’s the case that he is sexually fluid. In my experience when narcs hint at something they know you hate and/or find difficult to believe in some cases, there is very often truth in it. See the article below. Whilst it doesn’t answer your question directly, it will help.

      I was seeing a guy moons ago now, but during an intimate moment, he said “good boy” to me hahhahahah this is just one example but after that moment there were lots of little things he said which hinted in that direction. He said it on purpose too, it was not a mistake.

      It’s not just about the fact they’re sexually fluid, more than anything they love to mess with your head.

      1. Another Cat says:

        “In my experience when narcs hint at something they know you hate and/or find difficult to believe in some cases, there is very often truth in it.”

        Well, except, no. Stuff narcissists have told me which I found difficult to hear, have been: “You’re ugly.” “People don’t like you” “I love BDSM” “I love huge boobs” (he is now since several years living with a very thin woman).

        I agree though Alexis, that he believed those things in the moment he said them, because they were provoking. In a sense everything the narcissist claims is true, at that moment, from his perspective. He will say whatever fuels himself, imo.

        Sorry for the interruption.

        1. Alexissmith2016 says:

          Ah yes of course things like that cat are different. They do say things which are untrue if they call us ugly etc I guess that’s a different type of manipulation.

          And when I re-read karla’s comment re what her N actually said it wasn’t so much if a portentous remark actually, so perhaps her Ex N isn’t sexually fluid and just being a dick.

      2. Karla Anderson says:

        Thanks for the link, it helped.

  3. Bubbles🍾 says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,
    Basically, no ‘holes’ barred kinda people 🤣
    Excellent and most enlightening indeed
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Very good

    2. JB says:

      ‘No holes barred kinda people’! Ha ha, love this, Bubbles! 😂 Your comment just brightened up my day, thank you! 😘

      1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

        Dearest JB,
        Thank you kindly lovely
        I always try to look on the “bright” side 😁
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        1. JB says:

          Me too, Bubbles! 😁 Xx

  4. Empath007 says:

    The question probably all of us have asked ourselves at one point. It makes so much sense though once one understands it’s all about fuel,
    Character traits and residual benefits … that sex is merely a weapon of choice to obtain what they want. So why would gender matter ? Other then for the purpose of a facade.

  5. Supernova DE says:

    “Horseplay among military guys”…..?!….is that a thing????
    I think the military attracts narcs so I guess this makes sense….a bunch of guys deployed, away from most of their appliances, game for any fuel they can get?

    This puts MMRN in a whole new light for me as I think of the possibilities…but I’ll just shut that right down cause I don’t need any ET right now thank you very much! Screw who you want as long as its not me 🙂

    Thanks HG, very interesting piece as usual.

  6. Escaped says:


    My cerebral narcissist (genius) had severe erectile disfunction but was able to perform when his arms and legs were bound with chains and ropes (pulley system he designed himself)— complete submission was a contrast to his utter control.

    Why is this?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      He got a hard on for his mechanical genius.

      1. Z - zwartbolleke says:

        “He got a hard on for his mechanical genius.”

  7. Anm says:

    I actually know that the “alpha male” narcs that I have been with, have had sexual experiences with males. These stories always came out in one way or another, and I am sure I haven’t heard it all. I have absolutely nothing against sexual fluidity, but the stories I know of, from the narcs I know, are extremely narcisisstic. The gay encounters are also about deception, power plays, sadism, etc. They act out their inner issues in very odd and opportunistic ways

  8. Anm says:

    “a dog with 6 dicks, or the town bike, or would shag a barber’s floor.”
    I want to take an English language lesson from HG. I have never even heard of these phrases, but couldn’t help but Google them to see what the hell he was talking about. Lol

  9. cadavera says:

    My most recent narc is the most homophobic person I’ve ever known. He calls the dumbest things “gay”, like why doesn’t he hang out with his brother who’s homeless, in the brother’s van? He says because it’s gay. I really wonder if this guy isn’t a closet gay since he talks about it so much and goes out of his way to make sure he’s not perceived as gay.

  10. Asp Emp says:

    “with language it evolves and changes” – so do people’s mindsets (not everyone’s) – only those that allow their mind to re-process the way it thinks.

    Very interesting to read “the construct alters with regard to sexual preference in order to achieve the prime aims”.

    Laughing…. “a dog with six dicks”.

    “going up and groping people without invitation or consent chasing people down in a predatory manner” – I have seen similar ‘behaviours’ from those with Aspergers / ADHD / Autism / Learning Disabilities – especially those in younger years ie teens / early adulthood based on the fact they do not understand ‘social cues / behaviours’ and it has either not been explained to them or peers not noticing / recognising the difference in actions by those on the Autism / ADHD spectrum. The majority of the time, it can be ‘developmental delay’ (sometimes classed as ‘developmental maturity’) With those having narcissism, HG’s video explains it.

    “has no real fixed sexuality” – again, an interesting point.

    There was a woman (looking back & now recognising the characteristics of narcissism in her actions / behaviours) – at work, I observed the way she looked at me gave me impression she was gay and I thought it was rather strange as I knew she liked men. Reading this video explains it very well and I now understand her behaviours.

    I also thought about narcissists in prison who may not actually be gay but will do anything for the prime aims & “position” (within the prison) to achieve safety / security from any potential bullying practices etc.

    Brilliant video – further learning & more understanding with more insight into the behaviours of those with narcissism. Thank you, HG.

  11. mollyb5 says:

    HG …this fluidity of sexuality …is very informative. This explains a lot.

    1. HG Tudor says:


  12. lisk says:

    Fascinating stuff.

    I broke off a friendship with a female when I was in college because she was all about “I,” “I,” and “I.” This before I “knew” what narcissism was exactly. I remember her subtly propositioning me, testing me out, in her childhood bedroom when I went to visit her and her family. I got creeped out but dismissed it after she respected my boundaries and did not make the same effort again.

    This piece helps me put the “I”s and her proposition together to equal Narcissist.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Jolly good.

    2. Another Cat says:

      I also experienced this. This type of female teenage friend though always seems to end up with a male husband later in life.

      Not only because of general discrimination in society against gay couples.

      But the female narc, in my experience, uses LGBTQ as a steady ladder “up to the man”, up to the privileged life.

      1. lisk says:

        Another Cat
        Yes, exactly. This friend married well and has the child that she always planned to have. Seems like the husband had the seed and the right credentials—and soon she’ll get to tell her daughter stories about her wild youth (the same kind of stories she was told by her narc mother who hung out in NYC during the Beat Generation).

        As the Narc World Turns . . .

      2. Witch says:

        Some of them do as it provides them with a wider dating pool
        However, others do identify as lesbians and will only have primary sources who are women after they have come out

  13. WhoCares says:

    Oh, HG, I love your sense of humour!

    1. WhoCares says:

      Incidentally, listening to this was hugely informative and so revealing…

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Naturally and thank you.

    2. HG Tudor says:

      HG always prevails.

  14. Ciara says:

    Chillingly accurate as ever HG

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed and thank you.

  15. A Victor says:

    I actually asked my ex this once and, while I don’t believe it was his preference, I do believe he was open to anything if it benefited his agenda, as the video says. Same with my first ex, he “secretly” dressed in my clothes on occasion. He’s probably a narc too. Interesting video.

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