Today is Valentine´s day and that means it is time for some protection. Many early Christian martyrs were called Valentine and stories appertaining to martyrdom have been associated with St Valentine, which include St Valentine of Rome who performed weddings for soldiers who were forbidden to marry and also providing comfort and succour to persecuted Christians. Over time, the concept of St Valentine and Valentine´s moved away from martyrdom and became associated with romantic love and all of its supposed wholesome manifestations. Of course, where romantic love abounds then so do our kind, the narcissists and with that in order to avoid becoming a martyr to romantic love, protect yourself by adhering to the following points, so you are prepared for what may come on the 14th of February.
- Valentine´s Day is a Hoover Trigger. This means that the occasion of Valentine´s Day HEIGHTENS the possibility of being hoovered and you need to be aware of this, so you need increased vigilance. This Hoover Trigger may happen in two ways. Firstly, you do something so generate that Hoover Trigger, such as send a card to the narcissist or message the narcissist and you enter one of the first five spheres of influence. Secondly, you may not cause the Hoover Trigger but one will happen anyway because the narcissist notes that it is Valentine´s Day and this causes the narcissist to think about you through reminder and you enter the sixth sphere of influence. Either way, you have entered a sphere of influence and this generates a Hoover Trigger. Whether there will be a hoover depends on whether the Hoover Execution Criteria are met but there will be a risk of a hoover. How great that risk is depends on a variety of factors (for instance what your position in the fuel matrix is, whether you are painted black or white, how easy it is for the narcissist to hoover you, whether you have recently wounded the narcissist and if so, how recently and the extent of the wounding, amongst many other matters). You can reduce the risk by ensuring that your no contact regime is a total as possible. If you make it very difficult for the narcissist to be able to contact you, you reduce the risk of being hoovered and to understand clear and effective ways of doing this use this How To Stop The Hoovers Make sure the narcissist, the Enemy Without, is kept at bay.
2. Recognise the risks to all romantic victims of narcissists, namely
- If you are the IPPS in the Golden Period then the day will be used to continue the seduction, it will be over the top (see Red Flag for some of the warning signs) although in all likelihood you are unlikely to have accessed this site if you are at this stage)
- If you are the Candidate IPSS see above.
- If you are Shelf IPSS there is either an increased risk of you being taken off the shelf and hoovered (Benign Hoover) OR you will spend the day ignored/given comfort crumbs as the narcissist engages with the IPPS or a different IPSS. Be aware in the latter scenario of your increased ET through feeling dejected and that you are at risk of Malign Hoovers if you keep “pestering” the narcissist (Kicking The Hornet´s Nest
- If you are a Dirty Little Secret, you are likely to be spend the day ignored and therefore be prepared for dejection and disappointment.
- If you are the IPPS in Devaluation be prepared for a day which will range from disappointment (day ignored or paid lip service) to the narcissist spending time with the Shelf IPSS (there is likely to be one) or sustained devaluation through unpleasant behaviours towards you since the narcissist wishes to assert control over you by being unpleasant to you on a day when you were expecting something exciting and romantic.
3. Be aware of the potential hoovers which may occur so you prepare by preventing them reaching you OR you recognise what they are and you reject them. Likely hoovers will include
- Sending you a Valentine´s Day card
- Sending you flowers to your home or work
- Sending a gift to your home or work (note that the narcissist is less likely to adopt anonymity because the narcissist will want you to know that the gift is from him or her to cause you to respond to the hoover and provide fuel. Put in place gate keepers to vet cards and gifts for you. Have someone do so who knows the narcissist and will recognise the narcissist´s handwriting (in case a card is written anonymously and/or knows certain nicknames or “tells” the narcissist will use) so that the card, gift etc is intercepted and you are not told about it or who it is from. Thus, have someone else be at home with you to answer the door to deliveries or return home with you to deal with any cards of gifts which are waiting. Put in place a suitable gate keeper to receive cards and gifts (or open them if they are already at your workstation) at work.
- The sending of links to romantic songs by text or email
- Driving past where you live, work, frequent by way of a passive hoover in order to provoke you into responding
- Hoover by Proxy by causing a friend or family member to contact you
- Social Media Hoovers – stay off social media on the 14th February. The narcissist is highly likely to use social media to hoover you either by posting memes about love/missing you (Benign Hoovers), sending you a message on social media asking how you are/ seeking forgiveness/ harnessing the occasion to meet up or to resolve matters (Benign Hoovers), parading their new victim for all to see with pictures of a romantic meal and expensive gifts (Malign Hoover) or commenting about you or to you in derogatory terms (“How is life on the shelf you miserable bitch?!”) (Malign Hoover) If you do not go on social media you will not see these hoovers. Ask somebody to then vet social media for you at the beginning of 15th February to remove any of the above so when you return to social media you do not see them.
- Text messages proclaiming love/missing you/ stating a desire to resolve matters/ seeking forgiveness or just a plain “how are you?”
- Calling round in person to spend time with you
4. Valentine´s Day causes an increase in your Emotional Thinking. There are several ways which this may happen which you need to be aware of , so you realise that this IS a spike in your Emotional Thinking, which is the Enemy Within.
- Feeling sad that you are not in a relationship because of the narcissist
- Feeling dejected that you are not in a relationship generally
- Feeling bitter about the end of the relationship with the narcissist
- Feeling jealous that the narcissist is in a relationship with someone else
- Feeling pleased you are no longer in the relationship with the narcissist
- Feeling expectant as you want the narcissist to contact you
- Feeling reflective about the “good times” with regard to the relationship with the narcissist
- Feeling angry about how the narcissist has treated you
Notice a common thread – feeling. Your Emotional Thinking will seize on the fact that it is St. Valentine´s Day to cause your mind to go to the idea of love and relationships and then it is a short jump to thinking about the narcissist. This increase in Emotional Thinking then becomes circuitous, the more you think about the narcissist, the more your ET rises and thus you will think even more about the narcissist. Your ET will be trying to salami slice you into a further form of interaction and does so by not only keeping you thinking about (interacting in relation to) the narcissist but by increasing your feelings so you act on them. (To understand more about the innate addiction to the narcissist and how it impacts on your ET and most importantly, what you can do about it, do ensure you access these materials The Foundation of the Addiction , The Link Between the Addiction and Emotional Thinking and How To Tackle Emotional Thinking
Protecting yourself on Valentine´s Day is as much as about keeping the narcissist away from you as it is keeping yourself away from the narcissist. Your ET WILL increase because of this event because it is one of the vagaries of life which means there always remains a risk of increased ET (to understand more see Future Protection
Understand your ET will rise and be prepared for this. If you have applied my work these matters should already be in hand but double check, as you would with your house before leaving it, and bolster your no contact regime by ensuring
- You halt thinking about the narcissist and here is THE material which will ensure you do so The Final Battle : How To Stop Thinking About The Narcissist
- Do not talk about the narcissist with your friends and family. Consign the narcissist to oblivion. No matter how sad, angry, upset you may be, talking about it with people is not going to make you feel better.
- Stay off social media. As explained above you must do this to avoid hoovers. You must also do this to prevent your ET from rising because you will either see something that relates to the narcissist and/or you will see other people posting about Valentine´s Day which will reinforce feelings of loss, irritation, anger or upset.
- Ensure the narcissist cannot contact you. Make sure you cannot and do not contact the narcissist. No social media messages, no text messages, no telephone calls, no notes attached to arrows fired from Cupid´s bow.
- Do not physically spend time with the narcissist. No “shag for old time´s sake”, no “dinner with her is better than nothing on this day of all days” , no “today is a good day for a fresh start.” Keep the door locked and unanswered.
5. Understand the common behaviours through hoovers on Valentine´s Day, whether you are in the relationship still with the narcissist or not
- Forgetting to send you a card or gift
- Sending you an inappropriate card or gift
- Failing to arrange to do something special
- Expecting you to go overboard in relation to the narcissist
- Denigrating whatever you do no matter how considerate and pleasant as “rubbish”, “not what I want”
- Disappearing because the narcissist is spending time with someone else
- Future Faking – “The restaurants will all be too busy, so I will take you somewhere special next weekend.”
- Digging Up The Past – “We did not bother last year, so what are you making such a fuss about this year for?”
- Threatened Loss – “If you do not do something special for me, it is over.”
- Silent Treatments may go into overdrive through reading and informing text messages, not answering calls, walking away from you, sitting through the meal and ignoring you.
- Triangulation – comparing what you do to the “efforts” of previous partners, flirting with waiters/waitresses in front of you, staring at other diners at the restaurant, remarking about other people repeatedly, using the phone repeatedly during the Valentine´s event
- Excessive use of computer/telephone – other people are being hoovered in the fuel matrix
- Added secrecy with regard to the computer/phone – other people in the fuel matrix are contacting the narcissist
6. Obey the 1st Golden Rule of Freedom when you know, you go, Get Out and Stay Out. If you are doing something or thinking of doing something which breaches this rule STOP.
7. Plan a distraction from Valentine´s Day to improve your prospects of taking the required steps above
- Do something that matters to YOU, possibly something you have not done for a long time
- Start the day with a Logic Blast from my work. Come to this blog and find articles to read for 15 minutes or so which remind you of why you must stay away from the narcissist.
- Do not organise an Anti-Valentine´s event, you will just end up thinking about Valentine´s Day more
- Whatever you plan, ensure it is away from the trappings of Valentine´s Day which means avoiding the cinema, restaurants and bars. Instead, organise with a reliable friend or family member to go somewhere away from people generally, explain there is to be no discussion or mention of Valentine´s Day and/or the narcissist and treat yourself as a reward for implementing and maintaining no contact.
- Consult with me if you need additional assistance in tackling matters Audio Consultation
- Remember, by implementing and maintaining no contact, you will reduce the risk of the Devil´s Pitchfork impaling you, you will stay narc free and increase your future prospects of securing a non-narcissist and thus being able to enjoy a future Valentine´s Day.
Protect yourself and protect others by sending this article to them and/or obtaining an Assistance Package or Logic Bulletin for them.