Murdering Without Feeling



Silence is golden. Or rather, it is a golden weapon when deployed by our kind. The use of silent treatment against our victims is a major part of our portfolio of abusive manipulations. Easy to implement, very low in terms of energy expended but capable of reaping such considerable rewards in terms of fuel, control, the assertion of superiority and the administration of power, it is little wonder that we use it regularly. The application of silence can be used virtually at any time and in nearly every situation.

This cold fury causes frustration, upset, fearfulness, concern, confusion and bewilderment. It is perfect at drawing fuel from our victims. It is astonishing just how it affects those it is used against, causing the emotional fuel to froth and spill from the perplexed and worried individual.

It causes anxiety and has a most unsettling effect which ensures that those who are subjected to it are unable to understand why it is being used. By maintaining a heightened emotional state, we ensure that you never manage to grasp what is happening and why this passive aggressive tactic is being used.

It plays to your desire to know what is happening and why, but you do not realise. You hover around us, asking what is wrong, why are you not speaking to me, what is the matter, please just talk to me. Every sentence you utter, ever plea you make and every beseeched demand just makes us continue it all the more.

In those instances, where the silent treatment is administered and we remain proximate to you, we will maintain a glacial mask. An impassive fixed expression which may be punctuated by the occasional baleful glare, but underneath this mask we are smiling and laughing at you.

Look at how upset she is, see the confusion in her eyes and wait for it, here comes another question, another plea, another request to be put out of her misery. How the fuel flows and we revel in what we see.

Even when the silent treatment is utilised against you from a distance and we are not physically with you, we are savouring just how you will be reacting. We can picture you frantically jabbing your ‘phone as you send text after text asking us to come home, to call you and just explain what the problem is.

We listen to your tear-infused voicemails as you ask us to just let you know that we are okay. Your sobbing promises to work things out and “whatever I have done, I am sorry, but please, please don’t do this to me.” Of course your failure to understand what you have done is used against you in two ways so that you are damned either way. Your admission that you do not know what you have done (which of course is entirely correct, how could you know what has happened when we just walked out of the living room when everybody was say quietly watching television?) just serves to underline, in our minds, that we are right to take this course of action.

Good Lord, why should we bother to contact you if you cannot even be bothered to work out what you have done wrong. All the more reason to keep this silence going for a while longer yet. Furthermore, because it is so effective at troubling you and keeping you guessing as to what the reason for this icy front is, we want to continue it.

The silent treatment is used for many reasons. First and foremost, as with all manipulations, it is used to draw fuel. It is to exert control over you. It is to keep you in an emotional place and thus paralysed, unable to see what is happening and unable to think clearly. It is to reinforce that we are powerful, superior and mighty, whilst you are useless and pathetic. You do not know how to please us, you do not know how to remedy matter and you cannot even work out what you have done. You are useless.

There is also a further reason why we use the silent treatment. This is our way of killing you. True enough there are those of our kind who actually do kill their victims. Those people are idiots. They lack control, function and competence and allow their knee-jerk response to override their need for fuel and the ability to do as we please.

By committing such an act, by losing control and killing, those of our kind who do this (invariably the lesser of our kind) not only destroy their primary source of fuel (often with no true contingency in place) but they then hand themselves on a plate to the authorities, a prison sentence and the attendance diminution in fuel gathering opportunities that arise from incarceration. As I wrote, they are idiots.

Those of us who exert control over our responses, those of us who are of a higher function, who plot and plan and calculate, do not go down such a route. No, instead we slay with silence and here are seventeen salvos which bring about that quiet death.

  1. Remaining in the room and saying nothing and not even acknowledging you.
  2. Remaining silent but staring malevolently at you.
  3. Talking to others in a social gathering but blanking you.
  4. Ignoring your telephone calls.
  5. Answering your telephone calls but saying nothing as we listen to you beg and plea before ending the call.
  6. Ignoring your text messages.
  7. Allowing you to know we have read your messages but never responding.
  8. Responding to everybody else’s comments on a social media post but not yours.
  9. Inviting everybody in a social group to which you belong, to an event, but not inviting you.
  10. Agreeing to meet for a date and not turn up.
  11. Sleeping in the spare room or on the sofa, anywhere but in the bed with you.
  12. Walking out all of a sudden and completely disappearing.
  13. Not engaging with you directly but acknowledging your existence through a third party – “John, did you hear something then? I thought I heard something squeak/whine/moan” used when you speak.
  14. Extending the silent treatment so it is meted out by lieutenants and members of the coterie.
  15. Responding to any written communication from you by writing “I do not recognise the sender of this letter/message/e-mail”
  16. We talk to you but only about our day, what we want to discuss and do not allow you to speak. We talk over you, ignore what you have to say and behave as if we are talking to ourselves in the mirror.
  17. You hear from other parties that we have been talking in terms as if you do not exist – “Yes, I am going to the wedding next week, I am happy to do so on my own, I am not being controlled then.” Even though you had no idea that we have such a plan in mind. Your existence has been eradicated and deleted by us and relayed back to you by proxy.

Yes, the application of the silent treatment is powerful indeed. It is regarded as a “death blow” against you.

Murdering without feeling has never been so damn appealing.

11 thoughts on “Murdering Without Feeling

  1. Jentheadventurer says:

    I sent a gift to my narc parent. I don’t have a total no contact regime set up with him, just ANC. Usually the interactions are email and correspondence, and I get a thank you email when I send cards with money inside. Not this time. It could be the mail, but my first response was to call or text and see what is going on, but that’s probably not a good idea. My guess is that the narc parent is mad because the other one got a really elaborate gift this year and he got an average one (they have birthdays around the same time). Patrinarc has also stood me up for my birthday, and I was standing there in the lobby…embarrassing, and made scenes on my birthday. I probably need to up my no contact game and lower my ET.

  2. A Victor says:

    At this time, I am practicing ANC with my mother, who lives in the same house but upstairs. It is torture for her, which I really don’t like, but I am in a better place for it. So, how is my silence to her any different than a silent treatment? In that I am not doing it for fuel or to effect any specific outcome but rather for my own well-being? It is really challenging sometimes, with a lot of guilt sometimes, but I really do enjoy not having her stupid little comments and judgements about every aspect of my life constantly raining down on me. If we lived in separate houses, as we used to, I would only see her every so often and not think twice about it.

    1. Asp Emp says:

      AV, well done on managing to do this. Don’t feel guilty because you say that you enjoy not having her comments / judgements.

    2. WhoCares says:

      Good for you AV.

      “It is really challenging sometimes, with a lot of guilt sometimes, but I really do enjoy not having her stupid little comments and judgements about every aspect of my life constantly raining down on me.”

      The guilt resolves itself with increased no contact and time, but glad you are witnessing the benefits of ANC.

      1. A Victor says:

        Thank you for the encouraging words WhoCares.

  3. Kiki says:

    The silent treatment is the most painful ugly thing.
    It hurts so much , when your pleas are ignored until you go into a frenzy, then you get a cold reply that means nothing .Maybe not even that .
    Is it designed to keep the victim contacting the Narc . The more you are ignored the worst you get .


    1. alexissmith2016 says:

      I agree Kiki ST is the absolute worst!

      Whenever I have experienced this in the past, although I may have been dying inside, I could never ever bring myself to message the person. I now understand from HG that this is due to the strength of my N trait of pride. I really wanted to though but I just could not bring myself to do it. I remember I did question people as a very young teen and the humiliation I felt was not something I never wanted to repeat and so I didn’t.

      Now if I get an ST, because I understand exactly why someone is doing it, it has absolutely zero impact. I just think, oh well, they will be in touch either when they realise I haven’t reacted or when they want something because doling out an ST is only something an N does(well plus me now because I understand the value of this hahahahah – only to Ns though).

      Anyway, I’m interested, has all the knowledge helped you at all in being able to explain away the ST and minimise any hurt you may experience from it Kiki – or anyone else who has a view?

      1. A Victor says:

        Hi Alexissmith, I am realizing more all the time that my dad did these all the time, right in the room with us even, and yes, they were the worst, his worst anyway. Coming to understand what it was and why it happened is helpful.

        1. alexissmith2016 says:

          Understanding it helps soooooo much. the more used to it you get, the easier it becomes, just like I know the grass is green. Their behaviour which used to send my ET high now has no affect. It really has no more impact on me than looking outside and seeing that yes, the grass is still green.

      2. Kiki says:

        Hi Alex , I’ve endured a lot of extended silent treatments and it’s taken it’s toll.
        First time round I was very strong , and like you refused to contact .I was lured back by a hoover.
        This time I was discarded again by the same Narc , I went silent for two almost three months .Then due to several factors , anxiety being one I just exploded one day .It’s like my emotions were bottled up and just exploded.
        I went on a rant at the Narc , it’s like I lost control and wanted to inflict damage .I was a DLS and came very close to losing all control and throwing that bastard under the bus .I couldn’t do it though , not for him , but inside I couldn’t I could not reduce myself to that .I just completely broke down afterwards crying.
        I’m sure he thinks I’m unhinged but the lack of acknowledgment and accountability was too much .
        I knew it was my problem for getting involved but the pain was unbearable.


        1. alexissmith2016 says:

          It sounds horrible Kiki! it really does. As empaths we are very good at self flagilating too. But we don’t need to do this any more. DOesn’t matter what he thinks, probably the best thing I’ve learned from HG (well one of many haahah) but it’s to truly not even think about what someone else thinks of me in the first place. It doesn’t matter whether he thinks you were unhinged. You had bloody good reason to feel and act how you did. It wasn’t your problem for getting involved either, it was his, he tricked you with lies and deceipt. The pain is unbearable, I experienced that pain – I never want to again. He’s the unhinged one who should be beating himself up over how he has behaved, truly not you. You’re lovely xxx

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