Don’t Fail Me
I have exacting standards. It is important to do so in order to achieve success and make my mark on the world. Owing to this, I hate being let down. If you tell me that we are meeting for lunch at 1pm then I expect you there at 1pm. Punctuality is the politeness of kings. If you are late you are telling me that you do not value my time. That is unacceptable. If you explain that you can deliver the product I want, the way I want it and in the colour I have chosen, I expect you to adhere to that. I am not interested in excuses. I will exert my influence as far as I can to ensure that what I have been promised is provided. I will cajole, coerce, persuade and harass to ensure the outcome is as was confirmed to me. Hotels, restaurants, shops, online providers, sporting venues, bars, people, products – all of them have been subjected to my precision and desire for high standards. I provide excellence in my profession (of course aided by a legion of underlings but it is at my direction).
Nobody likes to things to be wrong do they? Nobody wants a blue car when they asked for black. Nobody wants the wrong name or age on their birthday cake. I am sure I am not alone in my desire to achieve error-free services, goods and people. That is a laudable sentiment. Should I fail to deliver on my promises then it will be because I have been let down first. I have an aversion to disappointment and my failing can only arise as a consequence of the neglect and negligence of another. Each and every day I strive to ensure that I am not left flailing in the wind, as dejection cuts through me as a consequence of having been let down. It cannot happen again.
Where does this demand for delivery and high standards come from? It comes from my dread and fear of being let down. I cannot stand it. It breaks me in two and rips open a wound that has never properly healed. Being let down undermines me, makes me feel unwanted, unnoticed and unappreciated. All things which are anathema to me. He let me down all those years ago. I relied on him. Well, we relied on one another. It was, or at least it was as I thought, an unbreakable bond. I looked to him and admired how he carried on, when all hope seemed to have gone. The towering waves of misfortune and misery would crash against him but he was always unbroken and unbowed. He said that he would always look after me. He told me that he would protect me against those slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. I knew the world was a dangerous place, a cruel domain which showed no mercy and took no prisoners. I had seen with my own eyes what this place had done and could do. I was under no illusion as to the harshness of the vagaries of treading along the mortal path. He listened to my hopes and fears and he understood them like no other. He made me feels safe and wanted. I hung on his every word, mimicked what he did and pledged my unswerving loyalty. He accepted my fealty with open, gracious arms and I fell into them, safe in the knowledge that nothing could tear us apart. He promised me that,
“I will never let you down.”
I still hear his voice saying those words. But he did. He left. He let me down.
To understand more of what this means and in particular to use it to decipher clues about HG Tudor, access this Knowing HG 1-3
9 thoughts on “Don’t Fail Me”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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When you ignore them they go ballistic mode.
The comment I posted the other night – makes me wonder why I did not turn out as a narcissist myself. I have emotional empathy. I do not need to pretend to be happy, I feel joy, I do not need ‘fuel’ in the same way a narcissist needs, I enjoy nature, I enjoy spending time with my close friends, I laugh with them and other people. I am more than capable of love because I had that for my father, my grandmother, albeit a very small number of people. I loved my dog. I enjoy gardening. I enjoy sex. I enjoy intimacy. I love looking at the moon and the stars (and thankfully, the sky is clear tonight)….
The world fails every day.
It is actually their failure projected onto us.
Yes.
Re-reading my comment last time this article was posted – I cried again……
Copied & pasted – “It was interesting for me to read this and at the same time, it provoked my thinking (also memories but I am not feeling my ET ‘rise’). Yet, it was hard to read it. I can almost see myself as I read along, so I understand and can process the overall article. It provoked ‘sadness’ – a hole in my life that was never filled again. I noticed the words, “my dread and fear of being let down” – this is one thing I have certainly ‘experienced’ since I was a child. Society continue to let me down. The ‘system’ continue to let me down. Part of my ‘trust’ remained broken on this. I have not let another person down and would not. There is one thing for sure, my father would not have allowed me to go through what I have. He didn’t let me down. He died. He wanted me to go to the school that I did attend. He wanted me to obtain the right education. He wanted me to have access to resources that were not necessarily available via ‘public funding’. He genuinely cared about me and cared about my well-being. It was not ‘conditional’ on his part. I believe my father would have also allowed me to become the person I was born to be. That was not to be.”
Adding today – My father was my true ‘protector’. He passed away due to illness when I was 9. That was my major ‘trauma’ that I never had “support” from mother ie to talk things through. She never really had a good thing to say about him. Even when I was 30 years old, she was ‘slagging’ him off to me. I loved my father. I hated my mother.
Her narcissism gave me more reason to hate her (without knowing it was narcissism). For the mental, emotional, physical and some financial abuse.
“a hole in my life that was never filled again”
= the loss of my father
= the non-existence of a loving mother who also refused to move to be nearer to my grandparents and therefore
= denied access to my caring grandmother
All that and no wonder I ended up with so many layers of ‘trauma, on top of my own diagnosed Aspergers…..
And, having two intimate relationships with narcissists. Granted, not all of my past relationships were with narcissists.
Bloody hell, HG. You’ve done it. Once again. Made me see – just by providing this particular article (and your other work). I now also realise that MAYBE, just maybe, all of the above and other stuff that I have shared on this blog (and some things I have NOT shared and not needing to be shared)…… because of all the ’emotional’ pain, I never really totally ‘trusted’ anyone else to really get close to me. It also explains the ‘prickly – do not get close to me’ “attitude” (it appears like that to other people who do not know me).
I am not crying – just ‘subdued’. Because typing it out here – for me – is the same as going to see some therapist.
Thank you, HG. For giving me the tools to understand emotional thinking. And more importantly, the tools to understand logical thinking and being able to look at ‘aspects’ of myself. I now wonder how many ‘layers’ I have stripped away during my time on here. I can breathe now.
Thanks for sharing this life experience…Its so sad you went threw this.The way you spoke about your father are you true feelings.The positive on all this shows how genuine his love was towards you and you will always feel his love even if he’s not alive…Sending you hugs….
CC, thank you for your comment. Your words mean a lot (and the hug). I needed that.
Reading this article, for me, continues to re-open a wound that is not narcissism related….. I’ll come back to it in a while…….