This is NOT No Contact No. 3 – Checking Social Media
The temptation to check the narcissists social media is strong, often irresistible. After all, you need to know what he is doing, who is he with after he disengaged from you, is he writing about you? Does that cryptic post have something to do with you or is it aimed at someone new?
He said he was not in town this weekend, so how come he has checked in at the bar in the city centre? Why is he posting memes about loyalty? Has he fallen out with the new Intimate Partner Primary Source? Are those comments about never trusting part of a smear campaign against you? Why are the pictures of him and you still up when he is no longer seeing you? Why have the pictures of you and him been removed so quickly at the end, does he not care at all?
Where is she? Who is she with? What is she doing? What does this mean? Why has he gone there? Who is that person in the picture? Why did he not take me there? Why is she with him? Why has he chosen her?
Questions. Questions. Questions.
And you went snooping on the social media to get answers. You may get some, but more usually you will only generate more questions. Even if you gain some answers, they will lead you to want to learn more, you think you are playing detective, piecing it together, but all you are continuing to do is engage with the narcissist by doing something in relation to the narcissist (viewing his or her social media), then talking about what you find with other people (often at length) and/or ruminating over it.
Always the questions? Always the pondering?
Think you have gained some knowledge? Maybe, but your emotional thinking will make you think you are making progress and keep you hunting. If you do not turn something up at first, your emotional thinking will keep you hunting again, convincing you that everyone has something on social media and therefore the answers will come in due course.
But this is not breaching no contact is it? After all, it is not as if you are spending time with the narcissist or talking to him. There is no direct contact and how can he even know that you are looking at his Facebook posts, watching his Twitter feed, spying on his Instagram activity?
Firstly, the narcissist expects you to be doing this, such is the entitlement and grandiosity. Thus, Thought Fuel will be generated, for a short time at least.
Secondly, by engaging in this you are of course inviting being impaled on The Devil´s Pitchfork. You may not be providing any fuel, but you will be suffering an adverse consequence because you will become confused, irritated, hurt, angry and so forth and thus you are losing. You are also increasing your emotional thinking and thus remaining on The Narcissist´s Wheel of Misery. You will not reduce your emotional thinking by engaging in this activity and furthermore, by keeping it high, you will keep engaging further, hunting, sifting, analysing and spying. With the continued consequence as you go round and round and round.
You do not need to know what the narcissist is saying, doing, seeing or boasting about.
Your emotional thinking corrupts your empathic trait of truth seeking to make you think this is a necessary and logical step.
It is not.
You are breaching the first golden rule of freedom.
You must halt this activity and the the most effective way is to remove yourself from social media (for a time at least) and ensure you do not look at the narcissist on social media in any shape or form.
23 thoughts on “This is NOT No Contact No. 3 – Checking Social Media”
HG. GREAT piece. Learned the hard way that indirect contact is absolutely contact and will keep keep a person strangulated.
I wonder if narcissists check the social media of their past preys in the same way past preys check the narcissist’s. Obvi narcissists can be reminded and come back to Hoover for supply but, HG, are their thoughts of past prey just random occurrences or deliberate acts?
A narcissist may be looking at their own social media and you pop up on it, thus that is a hoover trigger.
A narcissist may be reminded of you by something else and then checks social media for information about you as part of the assertion of control.
The narcissist does not religiously keep checking the social media of the victim in the way the victim is often compelled to do with regard to the narcissist, for the reasons explained in the video “No Interaction, No Existence.”
Just listened to Shelf life .
The story of my entanglement with Narc .
I have been put on the shelf for long long periods with an intermittent email to see was I still on the hook .
The longest was 2 years and I went back , hoovered into a new golden period like nothing ever happened and no time passed.
This time I’ve finally gone real no contact .
Would a narcissist GOSO to protect the empath? It is a concept I believe is possible…
I was treated to a fun quote and malign hoover around Valentine’s Day:
“It’s hard to put a leash on a dog once you’ve put a crown on it’s head”
He loves me, he loves me not. LOL.
LET, what a thing to say! Just puts you on edge, doesn’t it! Always having to read between the lines, everything some cryptic puzzle to be solved! Grrr..
JB, I’m pretty sure I knew what he meant … and his intention in providing that not so cryptic quote. At least when being read from my perspective. The crown is indicative of the golden period. I am no longer under his control now that I have escaped, hence the frustration of not being able to get a ‘leash’ on me. What an arrogant SOB! He sees me as a dog – the quote couldn’t be more succinct – and he needs to get a leash on me. His sense of being victimized comes through loud and clear – once upon a time he put a crown on my head. I’m just an ungrateful bitch who accepted his largesse only to turn on him as he can no longer get me under his control. It’s the most exquisite quote in the sense it took very few words combined with some fantastic imagery to place me squarely in the black which is where I expected to be. Although I didn’t quite expect the timing … c’mon man … Valentine’s Day? 😛
I have since made my interactions in that space more secure and lessened my time spent there. I can’t avoid it altogether for now unfortunately. Grrrr is right, JB, and thanks for your comment x
How long have you been apart from him? I am beginning to feel like a bit of a failure, no hoovers. Ever. I left those narcs such a mess! Haha, not serious! It actually makes me nervous, especially hearing yours and others stories of ones happening long after.
We ended our relationship almost a year ago. I never expected a hoover as I knew the wounding was severe. At the same time, as HG reminds us, never say never.
I’ve decided the timing likely relates to a devaluation currently occurring in a relationship he established after that. Or even during as I’m sure I had been on the out for a while. Anyway, the six month mark seems to be his standard for beginning devaluation from my experience.
So I was ripe for a hoover in two ways –
1. At some stage he was going to think of me as the former IPPS once the current IPPS was in devaluation.
2. I had left myself open for the hoovering – in other words had not established a full no contact regime. My mistake. Something I need to keep working on.
And when he made his appearance again I was not prepared. I found HG a couple of months after the ending of the relationship and have learned a lot about myself and narcissism since then. That did help to prepare me. But nothing really prepares you for that unexpected appearance again and the longing it generates. I knew what he was, I knew he was no good for me, And I wanted that hoover more than anything.
I think many of us find ourselves in that place at some stage and HG speaks of it often. The fight within ourselves and how the only way to keep from being tempted or challenged to engage with the narcissist again is to go full NC. That is for our own good and sometimes we don’t have our own best interests at heart, likely due to our previous entanglements. We have been primed for these engagements and it can be hard to resist them.
So, I guess I said all that to say you are right to be nervous in the sense the narcissist is likely to come back at some stage unless you have instituted a full NC regime. If they can find a way to get through, they will. On the other hand, if you have instituted a full NC regime, you don’t need to be nervous at all. Much of it is up to us as to how things go. Either way we are continuing to strengthen ourselves by being here and moving closer to where we need to be. And that is looking forward rather than behind, AV xox
LET, yes that wasn’t exactly very cryptic, it just kind of reminded me that they can’t even insult you without beating around the bush to a degree! You’re right about arrogant SOB, bloke sounds like a complete fuckwit! Do you think he had any awareness of the significance of what he said at all though (crown = golden period, etc), or is he a completely unaware narcissist? X
He’s a mid-range narcissist. Being passive aggressive is his remit, hence the ‘beating around the bush’ as you put it. He definitely had awareness and so did I. That quote would make no sense to anyone else and likely would have others scratching their heads. While he might be unaware of his narcissism, he’s not unaware in the sense of feeling the need to hoover me in a malign fashion.
Definitely a fuckwit as you so aptly put it, JB.
LET, sounds like I have known a fair few mid-rangers in my time! Hope you didn’t mind me calling him a fuckwit, after I wrote it I thought maybe it sounded a bit aggressive! Are you now completely NC? X
JB, I have no problem with you calling him exactly what he is and so please don’t fret over that. I can think of plenty more names to call him, but I’ve probably used up my quota for what is allowed here for now! I personally find it helpful to use the occasional swear word to let off steam and don’t find it objectionable at all. Plus I appreciate the backup <3
LET, I am always happy to provide emotional support. You have helped me so much since I came here and I am very grateful to you for that x
You are very welcome JB, and thank you for your kind and generous words again xox
I feel supported just reading others comments here as well. Simply because I can relate to what they say and it’s always healing to know you are not alone <3
LET, you’re welcome too xx
Yes, I know what you mean about reading other people’s comments, I read them, and I am like yes, I know exactly what you mean! It’s definitely reassuring to know we aren’t alone, although at the same time sad to realise that others are going through it too x
“It’s hard to put a leash on a dog once you’ve put a crown on it’s head”
Are you sure he didn’t mean:
Once YOU put the crown on HIS head (as your prince/king) it’s hard to take the power back from him?
Just a thought.
Haha, NA. There’s one for the narcissist 🙂
He was my Prince/King and I did put a crown on his head. Who is taking the power back from whom? It’s a good question.
The fact he got his malicious little volley in when I hadn’t even thought of such a thing obviously shows his ‘superiority’. I’m just a helpless, loving and kind little empath who would never take aim in that manner, and especially not on that most hallowed day.
Having said that, I did manage to piggyback on a conversation not long after about controlling men which he may have seen. Suggesting that men who feel the need to control a woman ought to seek help for themselves. She is not the problem <3
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes! I saw this all the time with domestic violence victims when I worked in law. Your advice to get out and STAY out is absolutely the ONLY way to save yourself. Otherwise, you are feeding the beast. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for your kids. Brilliant advice, HG!