How? Why? Who?



I have heard this said so many times, read about it from bewildered and perplexed people and know from experience the confusion that accompanies this question.

“But how could he do this to me after everything else? But why would he behave like this? But who would do such a thing as that? He said he loved me. I know he loved me. How does someone love someone else in such a perfect way and then act as if he does not even know them?”

I have written about how the empath likes to know everything. This is not because you are big-headed or wish to boast. You like to know everything in order to allow you to help. You need to understand a situation. It has to make sense to you. You must be able to comprehend what has happened and find some logical reason for the occurrence. This is why you spend so long trying to work us out. This is why when we are doling out the silent treatment you need to ascertain why we are doing it (I think now you understand we do it because we need to, not because there is a valid (according to your reality) reason for this behaviour). It is a natural empathic reaction. If you understand why something has happened you can then consider the ways in which it can be addressed, remedied and fixed. You want everything to be alright.

Accordingly, when our devaluation is unleashed against you it comes out of nowhere. Yesterday we held hands as we walked through the park together and kissed beneath the spreading oak. Today you have been subjected to a nasty period of name-calling and blaming. You are dumbfounded. Where on earth did that come from? In your reality it makes no sense at all. One minute every is okay,nothing changes but then suddenly we are being horrible to you. It just does not add up. It makes no sense. It gets worse.Not only does it not follow in a logical sense since our response (viewed in your reality remember) seems random, how can a person who says he loves you then batter you with his fists, lock you out of your home, sleep rape you, smash up your car, spit on you and so on? Not only is it not a normal sequence of events if you love somebody then you just do not do that, do you?

This is what makes it so difficult for you to comprehend. We have conned you into thinking that we loved you. We gave you the huge seduction and dazzled you with the golden period. We know what you perceive love to be and we gave it to you in spade loads all manufactured by Narc Inc. Our production line went into over time creating these false acts and hollow declarations of love but you fell for it. You always do. Accordingly, you were duped into thinking that we loved you so that when we begin to devalue you it flies completely in the face of what you understand to be the situation.

You will sit for hours with your close friends and recite example after example of all the wonderful things that we have said and done and then ask,

“How can he hurt me when he loves me so much?”

It is utterly perplexing. Naturally there is method in this madness. If it made sense, if there was a logical reason for this volte face you are more likely to accept it and walk away. This twisted and nonsensical logic is purposefully designed to keep you with us because:-

  • You must know what has happened and make sense of it
  • You want to make things right
  • You want the wonderful golden period again
All of this keeps you right besides us. Guess what? We dole out even more awful behaviour and it still does not make sense and you still do not go. We give you a glimpse of the golden period and your confusion increases. He does still love me I knew it. Then the door is slammed shut and you are left confused yet again but even worse this time, the brief return to the golden period has given you additional hope.
You still do not go.
For once, rather than looking at it through your own eyes, consider it from our point of view. The devaluation does not come out of nowhere. It does to you but not to us. It happens because you are not giving us our fuel in the strength, quantity and frequency we demand. That is the logic behind our change in behaviour.
Why is it then that we are able to hurt you when we love you so much? Again, look at it through our eyes and the answer is straight forward. We never loved you. Accordingly, we are not affected by what appears (in your world) to be a hurtful and contradictory shift in our behaviour. Let me help you further. To us you are just an appliance. Initially because this appliance does what we want we look after it. We clean it, maintain it and take pride in it. Then it goes wrong. It is too much effort to try and repair it.
We are horrible to you in order to make you work in a different way rather than trying to repair you to run as normal. Remember how people would slap the side of their television to make it work or give the washing machine a kick in the hope of causing it to run properly? You are just the same. You are an appliance and we give you a boot be it figurative or literal to make you provide us with fuel of a negative nature. We eventually get fed up that you are not working as we want you to so we chuck you on the scrap heap like so many discarded fridges, computers and washing machines. We have seen a new, shiny model which has attracted our attention instead.
So when you sit and wonder why this devaluation has happened, why our behaviour makes no sense and how can it be that someone who expresses such perfect love can be so hurtful, you know the answer. It makes no sense in your world but every sense in our world where you are just an appliance. Perhaps you had better start thinking about making some self-improvements and increasing your longevity yes?


25 thoughts on “How? Why? Who?

  1. Duchessbea says:

    To everyone on this thread, I apologise to everyone for any offence caused.
    Best DB.

  2. Asp Emp says:

    HG, I am not going to dignify that long comment sent to me – June 12, 2021 at 12:33 – with a response because she needs to communicate with you directly via email and deal with it that way. I do not believe she quite understands the implications of her words towards me and the impact it may be having on everyone concerned. I’ve been accused of all sorts throughout my life, yet when it comes to false serious allegations – I draw the line. I read your initial response to her directly in relation to the ‘disingenuous’ statements.

    Once again, HG, I have faith and confidence in you.

    1. Duchessbea says:

      Asp Emp,
      I sent the below email, I was in a heightened state of ET and I was also and still am furious with what my sister did. I understand from reading a number of your messages tonight that it very much affected you and that your ET was heightened also. I apologise for what my sister did. Her personal life is her business and as such she had no right to do what she did. Lashing out at people who have done nothing against her was unacceptable. I understand that you may not want to communicate further. Whatever you feel comfortable doing, I will respect that.
      Best DB.

  3. Duchessbea says:

    Asp Emp, having read your comments for quite a long time now, it is the comments that you have made in the thread with my sister that have amazed me. You said that your perception of the way you interpreted my sisters messages was right and that you fully stand by the comment you made regarding a firearm. The firearm comment was truly shocking. The fact that you found it funny. I have no words. A genuine Empath would never comment like that.
    Quite obviously you have a great life having never made a mistake and always being perfect. Please write a comment about that and make sure you go into great detail as to how you managed to be soooooo perfect and never do anything wrong.
    I am not my sister, and I am not a narcissist. You have said that you are an Empath and that you are empathising with everyone on that thread about how aggrieved they felt reading my sisters messages. I had no idea everyone had elected you to be their mouthpiece on this blog. When were you elected the mouthpiece for everybody on this blog?
    I am an Empath and have been one my whole life and as such your comments as a (supposed) Empath shocked me. You see, an Empath does not go out looking to add fuel to the fire or enjoy seeing someone upset. My sister is in her thirties and is going through a personal crisis. From my reading of the comments that you have left over these past years (I think HG said it was something in the thousands) you appear to me to be quite a number of years older in age than both my sister and me and as such should know better and not try to resort to bullying or aggravating a situation just to make yourself feel relevant and important.
    A genuine Empath would not behave in the manner that you have in that thread. A genuine, true Empath is someone who tries to alleviate suffering and help other people. Empaths do not revel in other people’s misforture or laugh at and try to bully them.
    Shame on you Asp Emp.
    There is an old saying. When you have nothing good to say, then say nothing at all.

    1. psychologyandworldaffairs says:

      All I think when I read this is = Asp Emp does not deserve your condemnation.

      My gut instinct is you are trying to deflect wrong doing – by offering a so called ‘worse transgression’ and sell it to us. I also am aware family loyalty can be strong and colour our perceptions.

      I maybe wrong – i might be right. It is just my gut feeling and only my own perception – others will have their own also.

      1. Duchessbea says:

        Thank you for your email. I can understand where you are coming from. I can imagine you also were insulted and annoyed regarding the thread of emails and the content. The old saying of counting 10 before saying anything certainly rings true. I apologise if you were offended.
        Best DB

  4. BC30 says:

    I’m still trying to understand why it upsets a narcissist when we go NC. If we’re just appliances, why are they so bothered? I’ve been upset when I’ve lost or broken things I cherished or put effort into creating, but I’ve never so upset that I made it an affront to my very being.

  5. Contagious says:

    I am frustrated by the lack of attention during “devaluation” as my narc ex husband hires hackers and spies and obsesses when he “leaves” to go back to his only other IPSS mum. He then sends daily messages and songs about how much he loves me, wants me, needs me, is struggling without me, waits for me as he has wired my TV. I have tried to offer friendship as I am dating others now. He won’t accept it. Waiting for me. His mum has got him. BDP 100%. I lost count of the fake suicides that got her hospitalized and realized same day. Her violence to him and property… now threat of disinheritance all aimed at excluding the wife. It would be easier if he stopped the hacking and closed the door. I am seeing another but his daily presence over months I feel years is hard. I have tried apple genius, changing passwords. I tried it all. He has neighbors here that do his bidding. He has a friend who works in Scotland Yard who jacks to find children I think. But why HG? Why never truly discard ? It makes no sense. I provide no fuel as I make no contact. It’s been months…is this normal?

  6. Duchessbea says:

    HG, I’m sitting here with a glass of wine enjoying reading your articles and listening to your videos. HG, you have no idea what the sound of your voice is doing to me. Oh My. Your sexy melodic tones are sending me into a rather pleasant tizzy. I don’t know how the women who work with you in your office manage to get through the day. If I was working the nine to five with you, it would be all I could do to keep my hands to myself when your delicious self is roaming around. If I was listening to your voice all day in the office, I would be in a very frustrated frenzy, even knowing what you are, I would be dragging you into the stationary supply room for some much needed supplies. Seriously HG, when are you going to give us all a glimpse of your gorgeous Adonis self. I’m thinking a rather sexy George Clooney, Giles Marini, maybe a little bit of Daniel Craig thrown in there as well as a bit of Pierce Brosnan. I mean you are like the James Bond to all of us Empaths. The least I can be is Pussy Galore to show my appreciation. Thank you HG.

    1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

      Dearest Duchesbessbea,
      I’m thinking you’re drinking a red 🍷🤣
      I used to think Julio Iglesias was “a bit of all right”. . . you should see him now 😱
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    2. Asp Emp says:

      Duchessbea, wow, you don’t hold back do you 😉 What’s wrong with HG’s desk in his office? 😉

      Ah, no, HG is Adonis for sure,

    3. MP says:

      Duchessbea, is this also your sister?

      1. Asp Emp says:

        MP, let’s just say the jury is still out on that one 😉

        1. Duchessbea says:

          Asp Emp, stop trying, keep digging, you might eventually find your manners.

          1. Asp Emp says:

            Is this Tweedledee or Tweedldum?

          2. Truthseeker6157 says:


            The thread below features the real Duchessbea. Or, who I perceive to be the real Duchessbea. It also references the sisters, which holds true with the explanation given recently.


            The thread we are on now ( how why who?) is all the sister, so she has been popping up on and off for a while.

            Logically, I should say both are one and the same. One narcissist playing two characters. I do get a distinctly different feeling when I read one Duchessbea comment versus another though.

            I have to go with the logic on it. Duchessbea needs to think of a way to differentiate herself and convince HG that what she says is true. Using prior interactions with HG off blog in my mind is the only way to do this. (Assuming EDC, or consult emails, something along those lines). If she can’t do that then I’m afraid I’m done and will cease further interaction with her. I was actually done at ‘Understood’ but can’t deny that I perceived a distinct difference in the later explanation posted.

          3. Asp Emp says:

            TS, thank you for your comment and I note your explanations. Thanks also for the link. I am sure you can fully understand and appreciate where I am at currently. It is obviously having an impact on other empaths who are not actually ‘implicated’ or directly involved, that saddens me. Thank you for your continued support x

        2. Bubbles says:

          Dearest Asp Emp,
          That’s why I indicated about drinking a red !
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          1. Asp Emp says:

            Bless you and thank you for that, Bubbles x

          2. Truthseeker6157 says:

            Haha Bubbles! I see what you mean now. Subtlety has never been my middle name!

      2. Duchessbea says:

        MP yes.

        1. fox says:

          So may I ask, does she live with you and she just steals your computer all the time? Or does she do this from the comfort of her own home? Do you not get notifications of replies? Sorry I just have so many questions.

          1. Duchessbea says:

            Hi Fox, she has been based with me on and off since October last year. I am working from home so she had access to my tablet/laptop/computer at the house. She is in a bad way health wise and it is very important to me that I see her get well. I have apologised on her behalf on this blog and other blogs and people were very gracious and kind in response. The only two people who were against were TS and Asp Emp. I can understand that they were upset and I have apologised on behalf of my sister. They have thrown accusations of my being a narcissist because of my responses, but in truth I have responded as I have because my sister’s health and well being is now top priority and it is not nice to witness someone behaving and just completely unravelling like my sister. It is upsetting to see. She effectively seems to have given up on life and cannot seem to get over the betrayal of her husband and best friend and every day her breakfast/lunch/dinner is alcohol. She is lashing out and verbally attacking anyone who is trying to help her. It’s frightening to watch someone completely unravelling. My sister is currently going through a personal crisis and as such is far from a right frame of mind and every night drinking a vineyard dry. When she confronted her husband regarding his affair, he kicked her out of their house and her life has been on a downward spiral since last year. I have been a long time commentator on this blog and anyone who I have commented with would know that the comments my sister has made would have been very out of the blue for me to have made. My sister didn’t steal my identity from her own computer, she used my personal computers with my permission in my house, I did not know what she was looking at, where accessing sites was very easy as I save all passwords on my personal computers, all she had to do was enter and she had access. I have changed passwords, will not save passwords on my phone or personal computers anymore and I have updated all my a/c security. My siblings and I are having an intervention with her in a couple of hours and knowing her current state, I know it won’t go well. We are hoping to get her into rehab.

      3. fox says:

        I happened to notice all of this going on, and decided to stay out of it and keep my opinions to myself, but goodness, this is quite a find.

        1. BC30 says:

          *super like*

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