The Victim´s Cloak

THE-VICTIM´S-CLOAK

The Victim.

I know there are those who do not like that word. They regard it as stigmatising and a hindrance to recovery. One understands such an approach, but nevertheless it is the appropriate word for those who have encountered our kind in the narcissistic dynamic. What does victim mean?

‘a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action’

There is no denying this would apply to someone who has been ensnared by us.

‘a person who is tricked or duped’

Equally applicable. After all, it is the very essence of our behaviour that we trick or dupe you.

‘a person who has come to feel helpless and passive in the face of misfortune or ill-treatment’

Accurate again. Of course not everybody may feel this way, but many will readily recognise it, even if they prefer not to announce it.

Accordingly, these various definitions are valid and accurate to those who have been involved with our kind, be it romantic, social, familial or otherwise.

It remains the case, however, that when it comes to the issue of victimhood and who gets to wear The Victim’s Cloak that once more our kind exhibits our well known hypocrisy. We regard you as the victim (we have to as this is part of the maintenance of our control and need for superiority) but we also then look to remove that victim status from you.

The various schools of narcissism approach this double standard in differing ways, in respect of how we stamp you with ‘Victim’ but then deny you any use or recognition of it. We both adorn you with the cloak and then remove it in some way.

The Lesser Narcissist

The Lesser treats you as a victim because you are beneath him or her. You are considered useless, in the way and an annoyance and your dithering, inability to second guess the Lesser results in a swift ignition of fury and its manifestation as usually heated fury. You are made to feel the victim, by being lambasted verbally, physically assaulted, sexually assaulted, demeaned, having your property destroyed and seeing others you cared about drawn into the whirlwind.

The Victim’s Cloak is rapidly placed around your shoulders through this treatment of you but then the Lesser immediately rips it away, shreds it and hurls it to one side so you cannot use it. Your victimhood is created through an aggressive act or acts. However, you are not allowed to retain the mantle of victim because the Lesser takes the firm view that whatever treatment has been applied against you, well, you deserved it.

“She was back chatting me so she got a slap.”

“He was lousy in bed so I told him how useless he is.”

“The house was a mess, so I smashed it up so she really had something to clean up.”

You are denied the status of victim because in the mind of the Lesser you brought the treatment on yourself. The fact you deserve it negates the sympathy, compassion and understanding that would ordinarily be afforded to a victim.

“Leave her be, she deserves what she got, quit fussing over her.”

“It’s for his own good, so he will get it right next time.”

“Stop mollycoddling that boy, he has to learn and I am teaching him.”

Of course, this conduct by the Lesser of branding you the victim through your mis-treatment and then the wrenching away of your cloak of victimhood is all part of the further control and manipulation. His knee-jerk response will have generated fuel from your reaction to being struck or shouted at, but then, as the victim, you are usually afforded concern, sympathy and help by others. The Lesser may find himself being triangulated by a concerned relative, friend or bystander. This erodes his control and unconsciously his own innate status as a victim comes to the fore. He does not recognise this. After all, he does not want the cloak to wear for himself, he is not a victim, hell no, he is better than that, but just as he believes he does not want that cloak, you are not allowed to wear it either and thus he will deny you any entitlements associated with being classed as a victim, purely because his own inherent victim status (albeit unrecognised) makes its presence known.

Even a Lesser who belongs to the Victim cadre does not consider himself as a victim. Unconsciously he does, but he considers his preferential treatment owing to his poor health, dodgy back or sheer bad luck, an entitlement of his. He will not regard himself as a victim, but someone who ought to be looked after, although of course he is playing the card of Victim cadre extensively. Why play this card? Simple. To stop you being allowed to be the victim. You have hurt your hand and cannot cook? Too bad, he is hungry and not able to walk, so you still have to do something. You feel faint? He has a fractured eyelash and you need to get him to the hospital quick smart. But remember, he is not a victim, you are, but you do not get any sympathy, consolation or help for being that victim. Thus you receive the cloak but you are not allowed to wear it and it is ripped up and thrown away.

The Mid Range Narcissist

The Mid-Ranger will treat you as a victim because they are the perpetrator of various abuses and manipulations against you. Whilst heated fury does manifest with the Mid Range Narcissist (usually the Lower Mid Ranger), the manifestation of fury is most usual through cold fury. Thus you receive the Present and Absent Silent Treatments, the smearing, the gas lighting, the Cold Shoulders and the The Incredible Sulk to name but a few of the manipulations that are available to the Mid Range Narcissist.

The Mid Ranger treats you as the victim, as these abuses are doled out against you and one might expect that the array of emotional, financial, sexual and most of all psychological abuses that the Mid Ranger uses would mean that The Victim’s Cloak would settle snugly about your shoulders.

No.

The Mid Ranger plucks that cloak from you and places it about his or her shoulders. It is their cloak. You are not allowed the trappings of being a victim because you are not entitled to support or concerned attention. No, that must be directed towards the Mid Ranger. Whilst he rejects the notion of weakness that is often associated with the status of being a victim, he believes he is the victim.

“I cannot believe I was passed over for promotion. I have been discriminated against and I am the best candidate.”

“I cannot begin to tell you how terribly she treats me.”

“I am never invited to see the grand children by my daughter. I don’t know what I have done wrong, but she is intent on making my life miserable.”

The Mid Range Narcissist wants the cloak. It is his by right and he wants everything that goes with it. He wants the Pity Party, the Commiseration Conference and the Sympathy Symposium. He is the victim don’t you know? Show some support, offer a concerned look, ask how he is, suggest a way of helping, agree that he is hard done to, down trodden and treated appallingly and after everything that he has done.

Tell the Mid Range that she deserves to be treated better, that she is well-regarded and this person who has not done what they wanted is an awful, despicable person and an abuser.

The Mid-Ranger always plays the victim even though they are the perpetrator. You are the victim because you are the one who is abused, but the Mid Ranger will never see it that way and he or she will not let anybody regard it that way as she or he pouts and twirls in their Victim’s Cloak. You can never be afforded the ‘benefits’ that should be afforded to the true victim.

Should the Mid-Ranger be of the Victim Cadre also, then order plenty of tissues because he or she will grab that Victim Cloak from you and grimacing, stitch it onto themselves, passing needle and thread through aching skin so that they can never be parted from that cloak.

The Greater

The Greater will never consciously consider him or herself as a victim. Never. After all, we are the hunters, the predators, the ones that targets and finds our prey. Not only that, we need only look at what we do, what we achieve and how we are regarded and this underlines and reinforces that we are not victims.

We do however utilise the notion of being a victim to drive our behaviours but we do not label it as being a victim. No, instead we consider it to be based on revenge. We recognise that the world is a treacherous place, full of untrustworthy charlatans and liars who come with great promises and then who fail to deliver. The simpering and fawning lick spittles who flatter to deceive, although we naturally see through all of that. Yet still, that behaviour, unwarranted and unjustified means we could consider ourselves victims (if we truly would lower ourselves in such a way). However,  we are above that and once we were victims (although we see no reason to be reminded of that fact because we escaped it) means that you, him, her and everyone else will be punished if you even hint at returning us to that almost forgotten state of victimhood.

We have no desire to wear The Victim’s Cloak. It does not belong to us. It is not our size, colour and is made of material that is inferior to us. You are absolutely regarded as the victim because this game we play with you (and one which we revel in) means you have to be the victim because that means we win and you lose. Oh, this cloak is yours alright but just like the Lesser and the Mid-Range narcississt we will deny you any right to wear it. Why should you be afforded any sympathy, support or help? You should not and here’s why ; you deserve to be punished, you have nothing to complain about.

We have given you the world by your association with us and therefore how on earth can you have any basis for complaint? You brought this treatment on yourself, so not only do you deserve it (akin to the view point of the Lesser Narcissist) it goes further than that, it is right and just for you to be treated that way. Should the criminal be afforded sympathy when his sentence is announced? No. Should the morally repugnant member of the community be afforded kindness for his heinous behaviour? No. Then, neither shall you.

You are denied the accoutrements of the status of victim. You are the victim, absolutely but you will not wear that cloak. It does not even reach your shoulders as it does with the victim of the Lesser Narcissist. We forbid it coming anywhere near you. We are the supreme judge of your fate and we always apply the maxim of

‘commodum ex injuria sua nemo habere’

Did you not know that has been stitched into the lining of the Victim’s Cloak? Of course, this maxim is not applicable to us.

19 thoughts on “The Victim´s Cloak

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  2. Kristin says:

    When I saw the title if this post I thought ugh, I am strong and don’t consider myself a victim as I personally see it as a weakness but you have validated that we are. I still hesitate to think of myself as a victim although I know there is no doubt. I suppose it boils down to semantics for me. Thank you HG.

    1. A Victor says:

      Kristin,
      I had a difficult time with the word victim at first also as I am a strong, successful and independent woman in most ways in my life. It has helped me to accept being a victim in light of the possibility of it happening again. I do not wish to ever be the “victim” again and it is up to me to ensure this doesn’t happen. It is a reminder for me. Also, in my case, I have learned that it began at birth, I have literally been a victim of narcissism all my life. And as a child (and as an adult until 6 months ago!) had not only no knowledge this was happening but also, as a child, no way to escape if I had. So, a victim in a very real sense.

      One reason I have come to like it is that it really helped me understand that this is something done to us, I am not responsible for someone else victimizing me. That was a relief, I had felt like I had caused so much of the problem in my life and, though I am not perfect and I do things that are not good, learning they seek me out and work to ensnare and control took a lot of the burden of guilt off my shoulders.

      Thank you for your comment, it helped me think this through.

      1. Kristin says:

        A Victor,
        So good to hear from you! You are a strong woman especially given the fact that you have been surrounded by narcs your entire life. It is wonderful that you have been” freed,” in a way, so that you see it for what it was and know that it was not a result of anything you did.

        “It has helped me to accept being a victim in light of the possibility of it happening again.”

        Perfectly articulated and I will adopt that way of thinking for myself. I had not thought of it like that and it puts it all in perspective.

        “…though I am not perfect and I do things that are not good,”

        I have often said this myself. It is as though we have to self-deprecate in order to come to terms with the abuse because that is what we know and have been told for so long. Empaths are not perfect, nobody is, but I want you/us to get to the place where we don’t have to downplay the effect of the narcissist’s abuse by speaking negatively about ourselves.

        You always have so much to offer and I hope you are doing well. 🤗

        1. A Victor says:

          Hi Kristin, thank you for that sweet greeting! And you kind, encouraging words! I also thank you for seeing how my comment was intended, I really hesitated to write it.

          The “…though I am not perfect and I do things that are not good,” is something I heard HG say somewhere I believe, about empaths, he of course putting a positive spin on it! I will take your words into consideration with regard to downplaying the narcissistic abuse though, I just need to find the balance, how much I should take responsibility for. It motivates me to work to improve myself. But, a large chunk of it is not mine and I need to let that go, for sure.

          I do not know about having a lot to offer, except as quantity goes. But, I have really appreciated the opportunity to be here, to get my past off my chest so to speak here, and to get feedback of all kinds, it has been most helpful. I am doing very well, and hope you are as well, and I really thank you again for your reply! 🙂

    2. Leigh says:

      Kristin, I was just thinking about you and hope you are doing well.

      AV, your comments make so much sense. I’ve been ensnared since birth as well. I know its important to recognize what it is so I won’t let it happen again. My eyes are wide open now and I won’t let any new narcs in. With that said, I still have to deal with the current one.

      I still loathe the word victim. I’m a target, I’m a survivor. I prefer those words instead.

      1. A Victor says:

        Leigh, I kind of view it like this, I actually have been a victim, the narcissists can view me as a victim, but if I don’t, they won’t be able to make me into one, I will instead be a victor. It is the reason for my name, chosen as a reminder to myself, before I even knew we’d been named ‘victims’. I had always thought of myself as a thriver, up to coming here. That is also true, and that was in light of the abuse I suffered by my mother as a child, I was a thriver in spite of that abuse. Not knowing I was being abused by my dad and my ex puts me in the situation of being victimized again but now, as you said, no new ones will be coming in. I am sorry you have to deal with one currently, I think you are too sweet to have to be dealing with that.

        I do like the idea of ‘Target’, hadn’t thought of that one, may use it going forward. It brings it into the present, I was a victim, I am and will always be a target. Thank you for that! And thank you to you and Kristin for helping me sort through this!

        1. Leigh says:

          Its funny, AV. I was immediately drawn to you because of your name. I think I may have commented it. Even with the abuse you have suffered you still have compassion and understanding. A Victor for sure!

          1. A Victor says:

            Really? Aw, Leigh, that is so sweet! Thank you for sharing that with me. It made my day. We can all be victors together!! 🙂

      2. Kristin says:

        Hi Leigh! Time has gotten away from me but I wanted to say thank you for thinking of me. I’m getting closer to leaving each day with HG’s amazing help.
        So glad you are still here as I remember your situation well. I hope you have had or will have a chance to speak with HG and that you are doing well. 😊

        1. WhoCares says:

          “I’m getting closer to leaving each day with HG’s amazing help.”

          Like! ×10!!

          1. Kristin says:

            Thank you my dear! 💝

        2. Leigh says:

          Hi Kristin, I’m doing well. No, I haven’t done a consult yet. I don’t know why I feel anxiety about it, but I do. I just finished reading Getting Out and reading it just added to my anxiety. Me leaving will most definitely cause his fury to ignite. When I leave, I have to be prepared to protect my adult children as well. They still live with me. I know I move at a snails pace. I think, I overthink and then think about it some more, lol. I’m getting there, slowly but surely.

          1. Asp Emp says:

            Leigh,there is no need to be worried about the consult, you’ll find that HG is very supportive & a really good listener.

          2. Kristin says:

            Leigh,
            I agree with asp empath. Speaking with HG will help you so much and give you a sense of peace. It always does me!

    3. Melmel says:

      I love this thread. Thanks everyone for sharing!

      I think that if we don’t accept ourselves as Victims (in the context of this article), we remove our own Victim’s Cloak. There is protection in the Cloak. Wearing it gives us permission to make hard choices that will likely have some collateral damage in order to GOSO or Supernova, or probably Cliff Fighting although I haven’t read about that last one yet. If we cannot accept the Cloak, we might continue to make excuses against breaking free from the abuse and the vicious cycle of abuse that results from being frequent Targets and in never-ending devaluation phases during childhood. We might deny ourselves legal, social, medical, administrative supports that could break the cycle of abuse for us, and our children as well.

      For me anyway in the course of therapy and treatment etc, I have learned that in order to break the cycle for me and my kids, I need to protect that Inner Child. The one that learned early on that Victim is a bad word and should be avoided at all costs in order to keep the parental narcissist(s) from feeling exposed and wounded, lest they turn their attentions on us. If my choices protect her, they protect my own children. So I’m going to wear my Cloak until I learn how to take it off and hide it in my backpack so only I know that it’s there.

      1. A Victor says:

        Melmel, good thinking! And you can pull your cape out of your backpack anytime you need to. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, very helpful.

  3. Melmel says:

    OMG HG. I don’t even have words. Thank you for putting it into words for me.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

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