Just the Way It Is
By now you all know that I am driven by the hunger that rages within me as I must seek out fuel to feed the beast. To begin with, my fuel comes from the compliments and admiration you send my way during our golden period. Yes, that blissful, wonderful time when everything tastes better, smells more fragrant, looks brighter and sounds sharper. I was asked why can I not contain my need for fuel to receiving admiration and plaudits? Why must I embark on such a destructive course which brings mayhem to everyone around me. Why must it hurt so much? A fair question.
In my case, there are two reasons for this. The first brings forth that old adage of familiarity breeds contempt. Imagine that strawberry is your favourite flavour of ice-cream. I bring you a large strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone. You take a lick and it is delicious. So fresh tasting, so creamy and there are even little pieces of strawberry contained inside of it. It simply is the most sumptuous ice cream you have ever introduced to your taste buds. These strawberries have been grown in God’s garden, tended to by angels and grown with the purest water, the most fertile soil and vibrant sunshine. The milk has been taken from cows which graze on nothing but the most verdant grass, free from pollution and contamination. In fact, every ingredient that has been used in the creation of this magnificent iced confection is the best and perfect. Not only that, it has been crafted by the Supreme High Creator of Gelatos. I bring you a second one. Why not? This is an ice cream fit for champions. You eat this second one but by now you are feeling full. I bring a third, the taste is still great but not as good. Now I give you the good news that you are eating strawberry ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing else. Soon, the amazing taste of the ice cream no longer brings you pleasure. In fact, you start to dread the sight of the ice cream as it is brought to you and then it makes you angry that you have to eat it. You are sick of it now, it has lost its allure.
This is what happens to me. It always happens. Since I am wired to seek out instant gratification, even the most wonderful sensations soon pale to me. I am not built for the long-term, I have no desire for longevity. If it was me eating the ice cream, I need to go and seek out mint choc chip or even vanilla or perhaps a juicy steak instead. I need something different in order to give me that hit. Why not then just leave the strawberry ice cream alone and seek out that new taste sensation, why do I have to subject the ice cream to a campaign of savage and nasty behaviour. One reason is that since I have invested so much energy in securing all that strawberry ice cream I am not going to let it go. I need to treat it differently and thus generate a break from its taste. With you, I need to have a break from the now stale praise and admiration you provide to me. It just does not do it for me. Similarly, I have invested energy in ensnaring you and I do not want to let you go. I have to treat you differently to change the dynamic. I need to keep you around so I embark on a confusing campaign that means you cling tighter to me. I will of course be seeking out new admiration from new sources. There are so many flavours for me to taste. You were once shiny and new. Not any longer. Someone else is shinier and newer.
I will return to you, like I will return to the strawberry ice cream. I have forgotten how it sickened me so I will eat it again and wow, it tastes good. Similarly, I will grant you a short return to the golden period. You lavish me with praise and love borne out of relief and I enjoy it. The law of diminishing returns applies however and soon I tire of your admiration as I tire of the strawberry ice cream and once again I must take a break from it, whilst never actually severing ties with you or giving away the ice cream. Back and forth I will go, occasionally being good to you to receive your admiration as I occasionally have a scoop of the strawberry ice cream. Thus this familiarity and unwillingness to let you go means that I have to treat you badly in order to resurrect the positive fuel on an infrequent basis whilst drawing on the negative fuel to provide the contrast.
I mentioned two reasons. The second reason arises from threats to our control. For the most part we dwell in our false construct that we have dragged you into. You may achieve something or a colleague may secure a new contract or we notice a friend purchase a flash, new car. This provides us with a painful reminder of our own limitations and our hatred of the limelight being moved elsewhere, however temporary. In such a case we have to lash out. We must denigrate, despise and demean in order to create that contrast again, we make you look bad and we look good. By putting you down, or the friend or the colleague we feel powerful and in control again. The horrible sensation vanishes. On these occasions, envy and fear drives us to be horrible to you. We have to do it to make ourselves look superior in comparison.
In both instances we need to provide a contrast in order to maintain our fuel. Thus, all cannot be rosy in the garden, we need to spray the weed killer over the flowers you have grown to ensure we receive the fuel that is our primary aim in life.
5 thoughts on “Just the Way It Is”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Doing the same thing over and over do gets dull , that’s why I try to spice up things. I get bored easily but it’s not for fuel, its because I prefer symmetrical balance.I do not like for someone to agree with me all the time, I prefer a good challenge.I somewhat understand your analogy H.G. You do to draw negative fuel to hurt others , I do it because I’m actually uninterested but don’t want to hurt anybody Very intriguing article!
This is a fantastic analogy.
I do instinctively manipulate sometimes (when I can’t control my fury sometimes). For example, when I’m fighting with someone and my fury explodes and I start doing a Silent Treatment to that person, well that first action to start the Silent Treatment like hanging up the call or leaving the room is totally instinctive.
But I also manipulate totally planned and aware sometimes (when my fury is not ignited). For example, when I came here a few days ago and provoked Violetta and all of you with that comment, I totally knew what I was doing and it was planned.
And sometimes it’s a mix of both, instinctive and planned. This happens when my fury is ignited but doesn’t explode, when I’m challenged for example, then quickly an instintive manipulation comes to my conscious mind but I can change it or modify it in my conscious mind in a matter of seconds or minutes.
THIS IS MY TRUTH but that man in the pool does not care about my truth, he only cares about his work. And he and all of you can shut me up here but in the end what point is there in leaving a faulty legacy that will be refuted by the truth in the future?
Think about it Mr. Tudor. In the end the truth will prevail because science always finds the cause and the cure to everything and this Blog and you will stay like a wrong idiot in history. I have only come here to share my truth and experience because I like this topic that totally affects every sense of my life, ohh and extracting some “Fuel” in passing but I’m not the enemy, it is the misinformation and you are making a mistake for your “Legacy” by not acknowledging me Mr. Tudor because there are probably others like me out there.
In the end, I don’t hate you or anyone here, you have only helped me understand myself much better and raise my self awareness with your work even though that is not your goal.
Good luck.
So after all that jabber—now what? Are you disappearing for a week? A month? A year?
Why not reduce your output on this channel ( ie eat the strawberry) to once a week to prolong your “fatigue”? You clearly know precisely what starts your discard phase—too much of a good thing—so choose ways to prolong the golden period? Btw, too much of anything is bad/fatiguing for a lot of us too. Too much of your channel causes me to take a break too.
Just a suggestion.
I do support your desire to take a break—your output is remarkable and always good so it’s not difficult to imagine that you need a break.
There a fair number of people out there who are not interested in long term relationships but might well enjoy the benefits of occasional time spent with you, HG. Could you just not be honest and straightforward and tell someone that that is what you want because you get sick of the same ice cream all of the time?
I knew a woman who had a wealthy sugar daddy. He supplied her with a lovely townhouse and even financed her business. When he was not around, he didn’t care if she saw other men but when he was around, she expected to drop everything and focus all attention on him, which she did. He was king when he came around. They both got what they wanted and it went on for years.