A Madman´ s Diary
I recently picked up a book that I had not read for many years. It is called A Madman’s Diary by Lu Xun. I have a translated copy. It is an interesting book and one which is rather relevant but that is not the purpose of mentioning it.
It was, as I was leafing through to find a particular section, the place where a piece of neatly folded paper slipped from the pages of the book and nestled on the floor.
Interested by this runaway piece of paper I set the book down and stooped to pick up the piece that lay beneath me. The paper was cream and of a decent weight and I smiled as I recognised where it had come from. It was the only thing that she had in common with my mother but she also knew the value of writing on a quality piece of paper.
I unfolded it and there was my confirmation of the author as her neat, copperplate writing spread out before me. She always wrote with a fountain pen, a Mont Blanc and she kept a pot of ink at my house as she preferred to draw the ink from the pot into the pen rather than use the cartridges.
I used to enjoy watching her as she carefully applied the nib to the dark liquid and then applied the mechanism to draw it up before cleaning off the oozing nib with a piece of blotting paper which soon became stained in a way not unlike the cover of the book which I had just put to one side.
She used to hold up the blotting paper and invite me to comment on what I saw. I played along, since Rorschach was familiar to me. I always invented something spectacular though so she would comment and do so with her eyes with impressed admiration.
“I see a lion eating out a bison from behind,” I would say slowly and she would twist the blotting paper and peer at it to see if she accorded with my view.
“I see a crow stuck in the branches of a tree.”
“I see a dented crown.”
“I see a conflagration about a baby.”
“I see dumb people.”
Each time she filled her elegant writing instrument we would have this little game of me looking at the blotting paper, with its splodges, dots and streaks and without very little hesitation declare some imaginary image which left her both intrigued and confused.
It must have been some time since I had last recalled us doing this together as her memory would rarely ever invade my consciousness and it would take something like this to restore that which had once been. I shoved it back into the depths of my memory where it was best kept.
Thus I turned to the letter and read its contents. It was her last letter to me. I think that is why I placed it in this book since I had been reading it at the time and I decided to use her letter as a bookmark rather than place it with all the others that I have received. This is what she wrote:-
“My dearest HG,
This is not some lengthy treatise. We have spoken for as long and as often as we could already and there is no need for repetition. I know I have offended you most gravely and that is something I have never intended nor wished upon your gracious self. You have taught me many things and you set me higher than anyone else and for that you will always have my thanks and eternal gratitude.
You truly are a prince amongst men and you always showed the grace of princes whenever you dealt with me. I think, more than anything else that it was your nobility, both in standing and purpose that drew me to you the closest. Even when you became both base and abominable you still exacted that majesty for which I have always loved you and I can only look to my own failings as to why you did as you did.
I have issued a thousand sorrows for that which I did not do and that which I did not say. I offered you everything that I had but it was not enough and I remain ashamed of my failure, it is not something I often encounter.
I think of you often and that will never change, I am sure of that. I remain willing to help you overcome those obstacles. I still regard them as surmountable and I am saddened that time was against us in terms of addressing them, but I remain hopeful that somehow we shall do so, in whatever form we decide and I will be by your side come what may.
I will take this time you have designated as a sabbatical from you and I as one for reflection and improvement, you know how I am. Thank you for once again for our time in the sun, I know you have described it as no more than a howling wilderness and I would be lying if I said that such a description does not upset me.
For me, it remains a place of safety and sanctuary and I firmly believe we can achieve it once again, should you decide to give me a further chance. I shall respect your request and not contact you again but I remain always open and amenable to you reaching out to me and indeed I would welcome it. All I ask now is for your forgiveness in the full knowledge that I deserve none.
As I read the letter once again a show reel of images filtered through my mind. Memories re-surfaced some of them not having been resurrected before. I felt those shared memories and those shared occasions stir something once again.
In accordance with the recent instruction I have received I allowed this to wash over me, rather than reject it and lock it away again. The sensation flowed over me and it was familiar to me. I recognised all those traits that had caused me to seek her out all that time ago. I recognised the feeling of the fuel that flowed from her.
That was what I felt. This piece of correspondence, elegantly written and delicately composed encapsulated the powerful allure that we possess. I need not detail what I put her through once the golden period ended. You have you own experiences of that to draw on which will allow you to comprehend the brutality that such denigration exacted on someone who could write in such terms.
Notwithstanding the cruelty and malice, her charity remained undiminished and stood as testament to the very things that I saw when our paths first crossed. This letter indeed reinforced what I knew. I was right. I folded it up and returned it to its rightful and appropriate place in the folds of the book once again, sealing it inside, placing her back in her tomb.
20 thoughts on “A Madman´ s Diary”
I remember my young self behaving like this woman towards some friends. But I have totally outgrown this now. Although I can still see some positive sides from the narcissists it doesn’t make me forget or gloss over their behaviors. I’m glad that I don’t see any element of this on me anymore at this point in my life.
So much yearning and regret – my heart goes out to this lady. I was not nearly so gracious in my last corrosponance to my ex. I hope ‘C’ finds the love and happiness she deserves.
There is so much self-blame and an agonising sense of failure on the part of the writer of this letter. The sentiments feel very exaggerated. It’s feels sad and also unrealistic to me that the writer feels she is so responsible for the relationship and for ‘fixing’ HG’s “surmountable obstacles”.
As an observer watching someone else trying to ‘fix’ things, it makes it clear how unrealistic this motivation is.
I wonder HG, what was the writer’s empath school and cadre?
WiserNow, I bet she has some Savior for sure, I wrote many letters like that to my ex, and possibly at least some Super. Magnet since HG is the Ultra. Maybe a dab of Carrier, it sounds like she tried to keep things together, for a while at least. I don’t see Geyser or Co-D. I don’t know much about Contagion and Standard is in nearly all of us at some level. That’s my guess. Lol, probably not accurate, I would be curious what others think.
AV and WiserNow,
I recall asking HG if the writer of this letter has some Martyr traits in her empathic make-up and he confirmed it.
I recognize those traits because I have some as well.
Thank you WhoCares, I had forgotten about Martyr. I will reread the letter with that in mind, I don’t know much about Martyr.
If it’s helpful, I think there is detail on the Martyr in some of HG’s newer videos on empath’s. I can’t remember specifically which ones, but here are some guesses below (sorry my memory is not better):
Thank you! I will check these out. I don’t have any but I like learning about all of them.
WhoCares and A Victor,
Thank you for your replies. It’s interesting to read your individual views about the letter writer.
To me, letter writer’s cadres are easier to see than the school. I think the cadres include: magnet (sense of hope for future success), carrier (inner willingness to help and fix) and martyr (outward responsibility for apparent ‘failures’).
The school/s are a little more confusing. I don’t think there’s a strong ‘super empath’ element. The writer doesn’t seem to have any narcissistic traits. She is not angry or resentful. There seems to be regret and an unlimited (eternal) willingness to ‘go back’ and try again. The self-flagellation and submissiveness to HG’s wishes makes me think there’s a strong co-dependent element. There’s a gentleness too, so maybe there’s contagion in there. I’d say a mix between co-d, standard and contagion.
I agree that it is more difficult to ascertain the Empath school of the writer. However, I would assume what we know of HG and Greaters that she had at least some Super Empath in her. It’s too little information to determine what narcissistic traits she has, but we all have them… there’s at least pride or possibly showcasing evident.
There could be some Super Empath there. It’s hard to tell from one letter, and a parting letter too. Usually, when someone writes a well-meaning ‘goodbye’ card or letter, they write positive things and wish the recipient well, if the ending is on good terms that is.
The writer used the words: “higher than anyone else”, “prince among men” and “majesty for which I have always loved you” . . . so, there is an element of pride or status involved, but does that make any difference to her schools? I’m not sure.
I guess I interpreted the letter in an intuitive way from how it made me feel, and I didn’t get the feeling that there was an element of super empath.
It would be good to read about an interaction or conversation between the writer of the letter and HG to get more of an idea or to see if there is a pattern.
“There could be some Super Empath there. It’s hard to tell from one letter, and a parting letter too.”
Agreed. I was just going purely on assumption, given that HG’s preference is Super Empath. It would be a good guess that she had some SE.
“there is an element of pride or status involved, but does that make any difference to her schools? I’m not sure.”
Well, pride would be found in both the narcissistic traits of a Standard Empath or a Super Empath. I believe one difference between the schools is the strength of the narcissistic traits and the number of those traits.
“I didn’t get the feeling that there was an element of super empath.”
Hmm. Personally, I don’t get a particular feeling of “Super Empath”. The empaths here that are SE, or have an element of that school, all feel quite different to me.
WiserNow, this is interesting to me, I didn’t know that one “sign” of a Super was the visible evidence of narcissistic traits, it makes sense of course, I just hadn’t connected the dots. So, when I used to write letters like this, it was not at the end of the relationship, it was when I was trying to placate some issue the “I” caused between us. At the end, I wasn’t speaking to him much at all, didn’t care anymore, I was done. No placating happening by then. And no mushy letter writing at that point. I hated those letters, they made me feel like trash. Therefore it was different, showed different elements.
She seems like a sincere person, Precious letter, Now that’s as real as it gets no contact and you putting it back where it belongs (in her tomb.) Good for you H.G😊
Yikes on bikes. Wonder what sort of E she was/is because the sentiment in this letter—that’s gonna be a no from me dawg.
C said, ” I remain willing to help you overcome those obstacles. I still regard them as surmountable…”
Did she know about your narcissism, HG?
This is timely because I’d just been wondering if you’ve had relationships with anyone who did know, knew what it meant, and what that was like. I would imagine it would make you feel intolerably vulnerable.
I hope you know that fuel you remembered feeling was love.
She saw its manifestation as a surmountable problem, she did not know what it actually is.
1. Have you ever been in a relationship where you told the IPPS what it really is? If not, why not and what would that do to you? I’m guessing you would view that as impossible.
2. Do you think it’s possible for a narcissist to accept genuine love (as in actually liking you, as a person, and caring about your needs, safety, etc, beyond sexual and material considerations)?
1. What do you mean by “what it really is”?
2. We can accept your love as it is fuel. This does not mean that we like you and care about you for who you are, it is based on your provision of the Prime Aims.
Genuine to the last…Both of you!