Do You See What I See?


One of the common themes in my sessions with Dr E and Dr O is their need (note not mine) to have me be aware of what I am. Of course I know what I am. I have always known I was different, special, superior and set apart. I was told as such too, actually it was beaten into me but that is for another time.  As ever, I gave them the impression that I was co-operating so I went along with their questioning. After all, they are asking about me so it is at least worth considering. Initially this was all about how I regarded myself. I enjoyed this part and I could have gone on for some time. They reported back to me that I consider myself as more intelligent than most people, that I am more amusing, I am more likeable and more successful. I am also more physically attractive than most people. So far, so obvious. They then also established that I am obsessed with power (who isn’t if they have any drive and ambition – you don’t become President by sitting there do you?). I am also impulsive. I agree. I am arrogant (I call it confidence but what’s in a word?) and I like to exaggerate my success and abilities. I explained I emphasise my success and abilities which may comes across as exaggerated (purely because many people never get that close to such success), but by explaining that to some people is necessary to get people to do what I want.

Things got interesting after that. The perfidious duo had been asking questions of others about how they perceived me. I was fascinated as they told me that the  respondent s´perceptions of me were accurate with regard to what I thought about myself. How about that for getting it right?  I was rather pleased. Dr O asked,

“Some of those traits could be viewed in a negative light. That is how other people see you. Does that not concern you that they view in a negative manner,” I was asked by Dr O.

I shook my head.

“You label it as negative. I regard those traits as strengths and it is clear that other people do as thy have clearly identified them with me.”

She raised her eyebrows (recently plucked I noticed) and remarked,

“What if I told you that those people do regard those traits as negative?”

I felt the sensation of irritation rising at such a comment. Only the envious would regard such traits as negative. There is nothing wrong with having an excellent conceit of oneself and one which is entirely justified and grounded in evidence. Just ask those I have vanquished and they would tell you. Well, the ones who are still able to speak would tell you.

“If they do then that is envy for you. Or I suppose they are too stupid to recognise the brilliance of what I do.,” I explained.

“Okay, but what if I was to tell you that those people are intelligent and they answered honestly and consistently?” she pressed.

I considered providing a response to this, a detailed explanation of how intelligence does not equate to an ability to understand, that honesty is often mistaken and consistency is a matter of perspective. I considered providing Dr O with such a forensic response but as my quickened mind formed the thoughts and sought to breathe life into them through articulation I stopped myself. No. I am not giving them the information that readily, to do so would be to offer up too much to them, too soon and deny me the entertainment of the good doctor finding this out through application. Let us test them. Let us make them earn their inflated payment. Come on good doctor, you are going to have to do much better than that. No, the detailed reply would be denied to them and instead I would offer them something they will have doubtless encountered many times and would be familiar to them.

 I shrugged.
I saw the slight flicker of surprise from Dr O at my lack of anticipated response. She expected a verbal landslide and I had denied it to her. Delicious. That moment, brief as it was, of her anticipation to receiving information which I just plucked away from her, causing surprise and a dash of annoyance was very short but every so worth it. A sprinkling of negative fuel. How marvellous. Dr O forged onwards, unfettered. Good. I dislike it when they give up too easily, I want the sport, I want to be entertained. I bore easily and therefore some pluck, some fight, some spunk, some boots, some petulance, some resistance is always desired. After all, the conquest is all the more to be savoured when the vanquished (and they always are vanquished) try to resist and fight back. The pathetic attempts to prevent the inevitable amuse me.
“Would you not rather they liked you for decent qualities such as honesty and trustworthiness,” she asked me.
My laugh of contempt began but I halted it. It was a stupid observation but I do not want her feeling stupid too soon otherwise she may give up. No, I am not going to crush her so quickly, in fact, I want to own her for some time, I want her to become a play thing for me and she will not become that if she feels ridiculed. I shall direct my contempt towards those who make the observations rather than her.
“I’m not bothered about whether they like me or not, I want them to admire me for what I am.”
I actually prefer them to fear me although admiration is not far behind, but we can get to fear in good time. Plenty to offer before I let them into more of the labyrinth.
I know precisely what I am. Anybody who tries to tell you that I am oblivious to it is a moron. I know full well what I am, what I do and what I achieve.
The difference is that some people regard what I am as a bad thing. I know they are wrong.
What I am is a good thing. The world needs people like me. Now is the time they begin to realise that.

6 thoughts on “Do You See What I See?

  1. Carolina says:

    HG sometimes you talk about yourself in plural, like when you said here “Let us test them.” Can you explain more about that? Do you also have Dissociative Personality Disorder? Or there is another reason?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I am speaking on behalf of the narcissistic brethren as a whole, hence the use of “us” and “we”.

  2. Asp Emp says:

    BTW, I adore the image of this article – the artistry is so good.

  3. Asp Emp says:

    Reading another article, ‘I Wanted To Be Adored’ (May 2019) and seeing these words “those isolated and they were isolated, those isolated moments of adoration shielded me from everything else that went on” – reminded me of times when we had been to stay with grandmother and I, now, totally understand the meaning of the words….. I was shielded & felt safe by my grandmother’s unconditional love & empathy, against mother’s narcissism.

    Sometimes, reading HG’s work is so uncanny, because it brings back memories and clarity of aspects of my past – that I was aware of but did not quite understand the ‘reasoning’ behind it all (simply because of the lack of knowledge to be able to understand).

    Even when I moved up 2 classes at school for maths, I do not recall being praised for it – from mother – only criticised for not doing so well in ie physics…… ho, hum.

    However, reading ‘I Wanted To Be Adored’ gave me further insight as to why / how some of the ‘acquisition of character traits’ was brought about. And reading the last two paragraphs, it explains so well why the ‘need’ is present, the need for ‘fuel’ (such as praise, adoration, admiration) and ‘control’ (including the assertion of control) brought on by the ‘need’ to secure traits / benefits from others – to make oneself not feel inadequate (because of the ‘perception’ they were “conditioned” to obtain while oneself was a child).

    Some of us, who are reading & learning from HG’s work will end up knowing & understanding more about the different aspects of the human psyche more than some doctors will ever learn to understand (just because some of them ‘profess’ to know-it-all!).

    RE: this article ‘Do You See What I See?’, the words “The difference is that some people regard what I am as a bad thing” – that’s some other people’s perception because they are not learning, or understanding – whether it is about narcissism or not – I am referring to the human psyche.

    “What I am is a good thing. The world needs people like me. Now is the time they begin to realise that”. Absolutely.

    Now, I may not have actually said “absolutely” 9 months ago, because I did not have the knowledge back then. Now, I do.

    Thank you, HG, for what you do. It is really appreciated & enjoyable learning.

  4. psychologyandworldaffairs says:

    Thought provoking. I have always thought truth – as likened to looking through a kaleidoscope. Each individual will see a situation different, dependent on their own perceptions and ideologies. Each will be honest in their interpretation – but this does not obscure their integrity. Deliberately manipulating and presenting a false view – could be termed dishonest and harmful. Harmful not just to others – but I have to suspect also to the individual, to personal growth, new understanding and the ability to learn from others and their own mistakes? Maybe? It is on this understanding I develop my characters at least.

  5. Scribble says:

    HG this is very interesting. Your awareness of controlling others (here demonstrated by your control of Dr O as she attempts to control you and illicit the responses she believes are appropriate to altering you) is probably unusual. I do this but I am not aware of my thought process, it feels more like intuition.

    Also, you almost certainly are more intelligent than most people. And when one is it can be very frustrating when others attempt to manipulate you. It appears to me that part of what you have developed are methods to outwit them because their questions and manipulation are so irritating.

    The article implies that you are still undergoing therapy with the good doctors. Is this so?

    Where having your ability to achieve beaten into you is concerned: it is very hard to face that you have been abused as a child, because all abuse is humiliating. As you rightly say a child will do almost anything a parent asks to gain love from them. When nothing is ever enough it is painful and leaves us feeling empty. It can also lead to self-loathing. Is Matrinarc still alive? Or your father (whom I understand was not abusive towards you…??). My Matrinarc died and left chaos in her wake, towards me particularly as I did not comply with her expectations and I worked out her efforts to attain fuel before I knew what narcissism was and used my own skills to evade. This didnt always work of course.

    I think that a lot of the questioning, accusations and manipulations of the therapists / doctors is actually damaging. By telling you that you are a bad person they are harming you. Far better to use the techniques a good parent would use. That is to ask you how you feel about things, to positively and actively listen and understand to what is in your heart. After all the labels that you have are acting as armour and so the therapy cannot work. It also cannot work because they have judged you.

    It is perfectly possible that you have achieved a great deal. After all their life experience is of being stuck in an office using the scripts taught to them at university. They are not developing anything creative or moving their profession forward. They are simply trying to achieve by attempting to force you to change.

    I am not saying that the negative results of narcissism are fine. What I am saying is that this so called treatment both does not appear to work for you (or does it to some extent?)
    but may also be harmful.

    As you touch on, some if the positive traits of narcissism appear to me to be the ability to lead despite adversity and immense stress (aka Churchill for instance) and often immense creativity. I usually work in the architecture profession and it is chock full of narcissists. In fact we were told during our training to have a degree of arrogance because we had to make decisions and to be confident in our designs to instill confidence in others.

    It seems to me that the psychiatric professionals want everyone to be the same. Bland and navel gazing – whereas, as you rightly say, things need to happen in the world and fire in the belly is required.

    How much longer do you have to have this therapy for and why? Did you do something terrible to harm another person?

    Best Regards


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