In the End It Has To Hurt



By now you all know that I am driven by the hunger that rages within me as I must seek out fuel to feed the beast. To begin with, my fuel comes from the compliments and admiration you send my way during our golden period. Yes, that blissful, wonderful time when everything tastes better, smells more fragrant, looks brighter and sounds sharper. I was asked why can I not contain my need for fuel to receiving admiration and plaudits? Why must I embark on such a destructive course which brings mayhem to everyone around me. Why must it hurt so much? A fair question.

In my case, there are two reasons for this. The first brings forth that old adage of familiarity breeds contempt. Imagine that strawberry is your favourite flavour of ice-cream. I bring you a large strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone. You take a lick and it is delicious. So fresh tasting, so creamy and there are even little pieces of strawberry contained inside of it.

It simply is the most sumptuous ice cream you have ever introduced to your taste buds. These strawberries have been grown in God’s garden, tended to by angels and grown with the purest water, the most fertile soil and vibrant sunshine. The milk has been taken from cows which graze on nothing but the most verdant grass, free from pollution and contamination. In fact, every ingredient that has been used in the creation of this magnificent iced confection is the best and perfect. Not only that, it has been crafted by the Supreme High Creator of Gelati.

I bring you a second one. Why not? This is an ice cream fit for champions. You eat this second one but by now you are feeling full. I bring a third, the taste is still great but not as good. Now I give you the good news that you are eating strawberry ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing else. Soon, the amazing taste of the ice cream no longer brings you pleasure. In fact, you start to dread the sight of the ice cream as it is brought to you and then it makes you angry that you have to eat it. You are sick of it now, it has lost its allure.

This is what happens to me. It always happens. Since I am wired to seek out instant gratification, even the most wonderful sensations soon pale to me. I am not built for the long-term, I have no desire for longevity. If it was me eating the ice cream, I need to go and seek out mint choc chip or even vanilla or perhaps a juicy steak instead. I need something different in order to give me that hit.

Why not then just leave the strawberry ice cream alone and seek out that new taste sensation, why do I have to subject the ice cream to a campaign of savage and nasty behaviour. One reason is that since I have invested so much energy in securing all that strawberry ice cream I am not going to let it go. I need to treat it differently and thus generate a break from its taste. With you, I need to have a break from the now stale praise and admiration you provide to me.

It just does not do it for me. Similarly, I have invested energy in ensnaring you and I do not want to let you go. I have to treat you differently to change the dynamic. I need to keep you around so I embark on a confusing campaign that means you cling tighter to me. I will of course be seeking out new admiration from new sources. There are so many flavours for me to taste. You were once shiny and new. Not any longer. Someone else is shinier and newer.

I will return to you, like I will return to the strawberry ice cream. I have forgotten how it sickened me so I will eat it again and wow, it tastes good. Similarly, I will grant you a short return to the golden period. You lavish me with praise and love borne out of relief and I enjoy it. The law of diminishing returns applies however and soon I tire of your admiration as I tire of the strawberry ice cream and once again I must take a break from it, whilst never actually severing ties with you or giving away the ice cream.

Back and forth I will go, occasionally being good to you to receive your admiration as I occasionally have a scoop of the strawberry ice cream. Thus this familiarity and unwillingness to let you go means that I have to treat you badly in order to resurrect the positive fuel on an infrequent basis whilst drawing on the negative fuel to provide the contrast.

I mentioned two reasons. The second reason arises from occasional glimpses of reality. For the most part we dwell in our false construct that we have dragged you into. You may achieve something or a colleague may secure a new contract or we notice a friend purchase a flash, new car. This provides us with a painful reminder of our own limitations and our hatred of the limelight being moved elsewhere, however temporary. In such a case we have to lash out.

We must denigrate, despise and demean in order to create that contrast again, we make you look bad and we look good. By putting you down, or the friend or the colleague we feel powerful and in control again. The horrible sensation vanishes. On these occasions, envy and fear drives us to be horrible to you. We have to do it to make ourselves look superior in comparison.

In both instances we need to provide a contrast in order to maintain our fuel. Thus, all cannot be rosy in the garden, we need to spray the weed killer over the flowers you have grown to ensure we receive the fuel that is our primary aim in life.

5 thoughts on “In the End It Has To Hurt

  1. Filipa says:

    Hi HG,

    Having stumbled across your site purely by chance, I want to thank you for being so self-aware.

    Can I ask about your journey of discovering you were narc & if you believe there is a way to change OR is there literally a part of a narc’s brain that is missing meaning they can never ‘feel’ in the same way neurotypical people do?

    I am shocked at how drawn in I was by someone I now believe, through reading some of your blog entries, is a narc. I knew nothing about NPD before. I thought he was just a nice guy who I got on incredibly well with & connected with. The future-faking, love-bombing, adoration, telling me everything about all his issues, his past, his achievements, his habit of choosing the wrong women & making bad choices (he said, ‘I just want to meet someone nice. How hard can that be?), asking for my business advice, help with a multitude of his issues & then…. quiet for days on end before then filling up my phone with an hour & a quarter of voice messages.

    At the moment I am not contacting him because, although I have become very fond of him, I needed to take a step back & see what I am dealing with – hence, stumbling across your site. I have not listened to his latest vm from 2 days ago. I need to fully understand what I might be dealing with & face reality instead of an impossible fantasy he gave me a glimpse of having. My own sanity & self-preservation needs protecting, I think – I’ve read how people become unrecognisable to themselves once they are truly sucked in – I hope you have helped me not let that happen.

    Anyway, thank you. Keep up the great blogging – the insight you are giving me is priceless!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Filipa,

      Thank you for the compliments about my work.

      No, there is no scope for change. If you listen to my various interviews on YouTube you will learn more about how I understood what I am, to save my having to explain it as I have done so many times previously.I would also recommend you organise a consultation to help you with your no contact regimen.

  2. Ciara says:

    I definitely understand the contrast; I get that part. However, hurting others is the negativity that must be drawn out to prevent the boredom. Wow! I’m understanding what you are saying .The car/ contract is a threat not the person, if you saw the person, I’m sure you wouldn’t want to be them because you are superior and they are inferior to you. However, the car is what draws the attention but has no 😐 emotion.Therefore, malice and and envy is directed towards the person in order to bring forth the contrast it enables the attention on you. Profound!

  3. Asp Emp says:

    Apparent thought ‘re-processing’ since commenting on this article in the early days of my joining KTN site……

    “I think I may have actually gone off strawberry ice cream. Empaths have ‘primary aims’ too, yet not as destructive as a narcissist’s. Now, where did I put that box of TNT?”

    Laughing…… oh, I cannot resist!…….. The image of the rope…… 007 tied to a chair – he should have asked for ice cream 😉

  4. A Victor says:

    Ugh, this just makes me angry. He could’ve just left. He said to me once, “I’m not the enemy you know.”

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