The Narcissist Always Judges You

 

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“Bring forth the next defendant,” my booming baritone declares from my elevated position. You find yourself being hauled and pushed by two of my lieutenants as the drag you up some stairs. The noise of a raucous crowd grows as you emerge blinking and anxious into the dock. Your eyes dart about the crowded courtroom as you look for recognisable faces but none are apparent. You see elements of familiarity, are those our friends and family, but they seem different in some way? You cannot quite work it out. You just see stroppy wax-like faces, mouths agape, a torrent of bilious noise raining down towards you, fingers jabbing the air, arms being waved frenetically. A seething mass of anticipation and disapproval. The crack of a gavel being wielded cuts through the cacophony and all eyes turn, including your own to me as I sit across and above from you. Attired in judicial robes in accordance with my status, I stare at you, eyes narrowed and you shrink back under this unwavering gaze.

“Well,” I announce, “What have you got to say for yourself?”

You frown, puzzled by this question. You do not even know why you are here. You cannot think straight as there is a throbbing sensation in the middle of your brow and a sickness rising and falling in your stomach. Your shaking hands grasp the rail of the dock but you remain silent.

“I said,” I declare in a louder voice, “what have you got to say for yourself?”

The assembled crowd begin to chant.

“What? What? What? What?”

The noise increases as those who have crammed into the courtroom lean forward creating walls of sneering and sardonic faces all around you. The galleries are packed with eager voyeurs and the noise cascades down on to you. The gavel once again interrupts the crowd and a hush descends. There is an air of expectancy as I and the crowd wait for you to speak. You feel a jab in your side as one of the lieutenants elbows you, a savage prompt for you to talk.

“I don’t understand why I am here,” you say. Your voice sounds weak and quiet but it is apparent that everyone has heard you as there is a collective intake of breath and then you hear the intermittent remarks thrown towards you.

“Idiot!”

“Shameful!”

“So disrespectful!”

“Fool!”

Your eyes go back to me and you see me draw myself up bristling with indignity.

“You don’t understand?” I boom. The crowd start to jabber.

“She doesn’t understand!” “She doesn’t understand!”

“Such impertinence, you should know why you are here,” I declare pointing the gavel at you. The noise of the crowd subsides a they crane forward to hear what you have to say.

“No, I don’t understand.”

“Well you ought to understand and you ought to be addressing me properly,” I continue.

“Sorry?”

“Ah you are sorry are you? What are you sorry for?” I ask seizing on your reply.

“Er I meant I didn’t understand what you meant.”

“Ah, yet another lack of understanding,” I announce to the sound of tutting from the crowd. You can see heads shaking all around you.

“Are you an idiot? A fool? A simpleton?” I ask.

“Certainly not.”

“Certainly not, my lord,” I reply with a smile which bears no warmth.

You frown still unsure what on earth you are doing in this place and who all these people are and most of all why is it that I am sat as a judge presiding over you. I give you an encouraging look. You look left and right feeling uncertain before you speak again.

“Certainly not, my lord.”

“At last some progress,” I say. The crowd nod in approval.

“So, I shall ask you again, what have you got to say for yourself?”

“I do not understand why I am here,” I raise my eyebrows in expectation, “my lord.”

“Well you should!” I explode in a sudden rage.

“Yes you should, yes you should,” repeats the crowd.

“Why am I here?” you say but your question is drowned out by the noise.

“A week of silent treatment,” I announce and slam the gavel down with a loud crack.

“What for?” you cry puzzled and alarmed. There is gasp from the crowd at your question.

“Two weeks for such impertinence,” I add.

“This is not fair.”

“Three weeks for challenging our authority,” I announce.

“You cannot judge me, this is ridiculous, I don’t even know why I am here, I do not know what I am accused of.”

“Three weeks of silent treatment and a dose of triangulation with a replacement of our choosing,” I cry with a gleeful look in my eyes.

“You cannot do this,” you assert.

“What?” I roar, “I can do as I please.”

“This must be against the law; this is not right.”

“I am the law!” I roar.

“Surely you should tell me what I have done?”

“I should not have to do anything that you say, I am the judge.”

“Then what about the jury, surely they should decide whether I am guilty or not, whatever it is I am accused of.”

I look reflective for a moment.

“Yes, you have a point, very well, I shall allow it,” I decree in a magnanimous tone, “never let it be said that this court is unfair. Ask the jury.”

I point towards the jurors sat on the right hand side and you notice them for the first time. They are all staring at you. In actual fact you see my face twelve times staring at you.

“Guilty!” announces the first juror.

“Wait, I haven’t even asked you what I am guilty of yet!” you protest.

“Guilty!” cries the second juror.

“Guilty!” shouts the third.

You shake your heard utterly bewildered by the announcement of these verdicts.

“This is preposterous, no charge has been read out to me, I have not entered a plea and there should be a trial. This is a joke!” you cry.

“Six months of gas lighting to run consecutively to the earlier sentence!” I holler above the braying of the crowd.

“This isn’t fair.”

The pronouncements of guilt continue to ring out as the crowd chant “Guilty, guilty, guilty!” at you.

A man leans into the dock from behind you, he thrusts a microphone under your nose.

“Hello, Ian Sim from the Daily Smear, how do you feel?”

“What?” you reply backing away as another microphone appears.

“Hello, Mark Mywords from the Global Liar, what’s it like to be such a horrible person?”

“I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“Hi, Ivor Stain from Channel Bias, do you think you can cope with this sentence?”

“May Day from Bad News, did your family make you do it?”

More faces lean into the dock, jostling with one another as questions are hurled at you. The crowd’s noisiness continues as its members drive one another into a frenzy. You see my face times twelve as the jurors leap up and down, hooting and laughing as they point and continue to yell “guilty” in your direction. Through it all you can hear my baritone as more and more punishments are added to the already burgeoning list and your head swims with the barrage of sounds. Faces blur, nausea sweeps across you and your heart hammers in your chest. You feel hot, you feel faint and arms grab you from either side and pull you along the dock.

“What’s happening, I don’t understand, what I am supposed to have done?” you murmur.

“Don’t worry,” says a calm voice and you turn your head to see an elegant lady stood next to you, the lieutenants who were once there having disappeared. Who is this woman? Where has she come from? You have never seen her before.

“Don’t worry,” she repeats, “I will take care of him for you,” she smiles and promptly lets you go. She strides from the dock towards me as you teeter at the top of the stairs, the darkness of the cells somewhere beneath you and then you topple forward and crash into the chasm below.

16 thoughts on “The Narcissist Always Judges You

  1. lickemtomorrow says:

    AV, I hear you on consequences and I agree. They should not be allowed to go by the wayside. I am beginning to separate that out from forgiveness as I realize the narcissist will never perceive or allow themselves to be held accountable (apart from the ways we can make them accountable in legal terms, GOSO, with death the ultimate accountability) and I am yet to see one of mine suffer the consequences of their actions. They just don’t care. Justice, in that sense, is denied. So if I am going to forgive them, it will have to be separate to any expectations around consequences.

    It is complex and very individual and I don’t beat myself up about it for the most part. I’ve already been beaten up enough by my experience with the narcissist/s and for now they are my least concern in terms of putting myself back together again. I appreciated hearing your thoughts on this one, too <3

    1. A Victor says:

      LET, to your last paragraph, I am learning to be more gentle with myself all the time, a thing I was denied in my childhood and probably overcompensated for when raising my children.
      We need to take good care of ourselves, you are wise to do so. And this forgiveness issue may be heavy on my mind more as a result of still living with one, a very hard and harsh one, the one who could never ever be gentle. Even with my ANC, it is there. I try hard not to push things on others, I apologize if you felt I was doing so. We are all in our own place on our own unique journey, I try very hard to respect that.

      1. lickemtomorrow says:

        AV, please don’t apologize and I didn’t feel you were trying to push anything on me <3

        The way I see it is we are untangling our thoughts and we're bound to come at that from different angles. I am no contact with my narcissistic mother, and have been going on nearly three years now. I can't imagine still being in contact with her and trying to deal with issues around forgiveness. Even now, I'm far from being able to do that as she continues to ply her narcissistic trade within the family dynamic. Going NC with her has also meant going NC with my sister and brother and their families. Because they are part of her coterie and help to maintain her facade. It's easy for them to dismiss me as the scapegoat. So my forgiveness eventually has to include them as well. I'm not anywhere close, and it's been years. In other words, I guess I'm still counting the cost. And for now owe compassion only to myself in the circumstances.

        I hear you on overcompensating with your children and I have likely done the same. Tried to be there for them in a way my own parents weren't there for me and be responsive in a way my parents weren't. Plus be gentle with them and their feelings as much as possible. Didn't stop me disciplining when necessary, but for the most part it wasn't harsh and there was lots of understanding added in.

        I think you have been very respectful here, and with me, and our journeys are unique which means I hope I have been respectful in return <3

        1. A Victor says:

          You have always been respectful LET, and I have learned much from our chats and your comments. The forgiveness thing is a bit sensitive, hence my previous concern. Everyone has they’re own way regarding it, across a broad spectrum, and since thoughts are so widely varied, I may be overly cautious or concerned about offending. I’m glad you did not feel offended.

  2. leelasfuelstinks says:

    The “Daily Smear” and “The Global Liar” 😀 Hilarious! Love it!

    Indeed, every Saturday was judgement day. After a week of very hard work (he didn´t work) when I wanted to relax, have some fun, enjoy the weekend, he (Upper Lesser A somatic) started to list all my “crimes” of the week and lashed out on me. Blame, projection, blame, projection over and over again. Brutal verbal attacks! I was so exhausted from work, I broke down in tears. Only when he saw that he had psychologically broken me, he stopped. He had to see me in tears and agony. That´s how the weekends started for me. It was hell on earth!

    1. A Victor says:

      That sounds horrible, I’m so sad he did that to you Leela!

      1. leelasfuelstinks says:

        Well, he was a narc. Wanted negative fuel. I escaped long time ago and by now unfortunately he´s dead. Narc or not, he died at young age and this is something which is even more sad.

        1. A Victor says:

          You are a better person than I. Sadly, I have at times wished my narcs were gone from this earth, at least some of them. Prior to understanding about narcissism I felt really guilty for such thoughts, I didn’t understand that their behavior was abusive. Now I attribute it to the abuse making me so cold but I do still feel guilty.

          1. leelasfuelstinks says:

            No, I´m not. My first thought, when I learnt that he had died was “he deserves it”. I just have learnt to forgive. 🙂 That´s all. 🙂

          2. A Victor says:

            I have had that same reaction, or “Good.”, when learning of the deaths of 2 people in my past, both of whom I now believe to have been narcs, both child molesters. The world is better without these types of people, narc or not. I have also learned to “forgive” but in a different way than my forgiveness of others.

          3. lickemtomorrow says:

            I’ve definitely dimmed my empathic trait of compassion when it comes to certain people and certain situations. There is a need for accountability in my opinion and justice must be served. While I can hold an understanding of issues around narcissism, I can’t become a sucker to that and let people off the hook in terms of their behaviours. The way to hold them accountable is to do as HG suggests, which is to GOSO. At the same time, holding them accountable is not the same as forgiveness. Accountability has much more to do with justice. Forgiveness has to to do with compassion. I’m only working this out in my own head now, so forgive any waffling. Ha!. So, if I’m struggling with forgiveness that means I’m struggling with compassion. Right now I have little compassion for the narcissist/s and what they have put me through. They had no compassion for me. While walking away has enabled me to hold them accountable, I’m yet to move onto the more difficult task of showing compassion and offering forgiveness. And that would be more in the context of my own mind and heart. The narcissist will not care either way. What I do now in relation to them would be for my own benefit. I just have to realize that.

          4. A Victor says:

            I agree LET, it is always for myself that I forgive. When I said it was different for these, and the narcs in my life and a very few others, it is less about having compassion for them and more about releasing them to the accountability of another, or others, and having no expectation of the relationship being made right, it couldn’t. But, in releasing them, I get to move on. Some have answered to legal powers, some to GOSO, some to death and whatever that brings for them. Consequences cannot be allowed to go by the wayside in the framework of forgiveness, that is not what forgiveness means to me. It is purely a selfish thing really, tied to my joy, and because of the controversy it seems to cause, I don’t like discussing it. But, to end, for me, it is about what I allow for the relationship and my actions and mindset regarding the consequences once I decide in my heart to forgive someone. It is difficult, I wish you luck in sorting it out. And as always, I appreciate your thoughts, they offer a new perspective to ponder.

  3. Jennie Castillo says:

    It’s all true. Oh boy, isn’t it? I am currently engaging with one of these type. It’s a ridiculous affair. I saw the red flags. I smelt the narcissism oozing through his pores. Id heard enough of his bite by the 2nd date. I knew it and yet over a year later, still, here I am. Belittled, degraded, put down in every and any way possible. The threats are real, the hostility, anger and self loathing are rampant, volatile, and he has not a clue what he says or does on his end. There is no real communication,. Only when he chooses and demands. Round after round, the same old arguments, the words from our mouths only becoming worse with each new round. Words which he uses as weapons. Temper tantrums and pity parties….all day long I am an intelligent, self reliant, rather independent, hard working, not bad to the eyes, peaceful, happy go lucky girl. I see the issue, recognize it for what it is but now finding it extremely difficult to exit the relationship without drama, threats and chaos. I know i need to sever all ties with the man…asap but I can’t bring myself to cut the cord once and for all. I am afraid of the heartache…again. Buuuut, believe me you, its almost over, Im just waiting for the new #1 to dance her or his (yes, I said his. My guts been yelling at me about that one) way on into the first place position, then it’ll be a much easier out. Wth? Pisses me off this bullshit by these people! Im not saying, oh poor me, because i choose to remain in this situation becauae Im a damn empath to the fullest and one day, maybe I’ll finally get it!

    1. Duchessbea says:

      Girl, been there, done that. With the greatest of respect, take a long hard look in the mirror and evaluate you, and where you are, and how you feel. Do you really want to be there this time next week. As HG says, get out, stay out. Go no contact, stay no contact. HG’s work is, and will continue to be your most valuable tool in helping you to gain logic and distance yourself, to get out there and be the best version of yourself and live your best life. I highly recommend that perhaps a one on one consult with HG would be very beneficial to you and very much help you gain a lot of perspective. I hope all goes very well for you.

    2. leelasfuelstinks says:

      Been there too, Jennie. At the beginning it hurts, but it´s not THAT bad. I escaped my ex narc because I couldn´t take it anymore (see my post below). This is not a healthy relationship and we deserve way better. Don´t you think, as intelligent, peaceful and attractive women you deserve better? YOU DO! We all do!

      1. leelasfuelstinks says:

        Oh excuse me, should be above, not below of course 😀

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