Never Let Go
I was engaged in a discussion recently with Dr E. The conversation concerned relationships.
“So, when you end a relationship, tell me how do you feel about it?” he began as he unfolded his notebook and found a fresh page.
“I do not end my relationships,” I replied.
“I see, so they are always ended by the other person are they?” he asked.
“No.”
He waited to see if I was going to say anything else but I remained silent. Come on Dr E, let’s see where you are going with this. You cannot outsmart me. He sat looking at me and I at him.
“Those answers suggest to me then that your relationships do not end.”
Give Dr E enough time and he always gets there.
“Exactly,” I answered.
“I see. We have discussed a number of relationships that you have and have had. With family members, acquaintances, friends and of course lovers. Now, from what you have explained to me I would certainly regard many of those relationships having come to an end, either by your doing or, though admittedly less often, at the hand of the other person.”
“Your concept of a relationship evidently differs from mine.”
“Please, expand on that point.”
“My relationships begin when I determine that they should begin,” I started to speak. Dr E frowned but said nothing. I could tell he wanted me to provide clarity to that assertion and I was happy to oblige.
“When I detect somebody who will prove of use to me then our relationship has already begun. It matters not whether we have spoken in person or even made any kind of contact. The decision that the relationship has begun rests with me.”
Dr E was making notes as I spoke.
” The nature of the relationship is defined by what use that person is to me in providing me with my fuel. If the fuel they provide is strong and potent then I will be spending a lot of time with that person, others less so. I dictate the pace at which the relationship will develop by such criteria that I understand people like you apply to relationships.”
“What criteria are those?” asked Dr E.
“Instances such as familiarity with one another, whether there is a hand shake or a kiss on greeting, the name by which we call one another, whether they can be relied on to provide information, whether they will lend money, whether we go to certain places together and how often, whether we live together, all of these things are what you measure a relationship by.”
“And do you regard those criteria as instances that ought to happen over a particular period of time?”
“No. They are all measurements by which I know people like you determine the nature of the relationship. I use them as markers by which the level of fuel can be influenced, accordingly, I will move them along at a pace which suits my demands for fuel.”
“But not according to anyone else’s input or say a generally accepted norm from society?”
“Well, the other person has to consent to the act, I mean, I haven’t imprisoned anyone in my home. Yet.” I smiled.
“But if they are to provide their consent surely that means the timescale is taken out of your hands?”
“Not at all. I just make them consent in accordance with my timescale,” I said.
“By exerting the influences you have described to me previously?”
“Exactly.”
Dr E remained silent as he continued to write.
“So you determine when the relationship begins and the pace at which it proceeds and this relationship never ends?”
“Yes.”
“But some of the instances of your intimate relationships that you have described to me certainly fit with the concept that they have ended.”
“Not at all. If I have cast someone to one side because, as they always do, they have let me down in some way, then I will not let them walk away. They might think they have been able to do this. Indeed, in certain instances I encourage that train of thought so that the person’s defences remain down and thus they are susceptible to me resurrecting our interaction. Nobody leaves me and I do not leave anybody. They will always serve some kind of purpose, at some point and therefore there may be a pause in our interaction but there is never a cessation.”
“What if the other person decides they no longer wish to interact with you?”
“Why on earth would they think that?” I asked puzzled.
“Well, your treatment of many of them was harsh and unpleasant.”
“But no less than they deserved. People need to know their place and if they step outside of that they must be brought to heel.”
“Why?” asked Dr E.
“Because I gave them everything and each time they repay me by letting me down. That is unfair. Each time I give them the world, I really do doctor and no matter how wonderful I am to them they do not do enough in return and they let their affection become dull or they fail to provide me with the adoration that I deserve. It is wrong and they must be made to see how wrong they are punished for their transgressions.”
“So you maintain a relationship to punish the other person?”
“In part yes, but it is usually because they still prove of use to me and they have their debt to me to repay.”
“I see,” remarked Dr E and he continued with his writing.
“And when do they repay this debt?” he asked.
“That’s the problem doctor, ” I said with a sigh, ” they never do. That is why I never let them go.”
22 thoughts on “Never Let Go”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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I had a somewhat off topic comment here, but now that the pandemic is winding down and I am out again, I am applying the information that I’ve learned. I’ve studied narcissism a lot during my quarantine. Between the consultations with HG and and the assistance packages/books, I learned more about the mask/façade when it slips. I was out earlier with what I thought was a friend get-together, but the gentleman said he was looking for a relationship and interested in me. I was listening and evaluating him. I was not attracted to him romantically, but noticed he was unusually charming, intelligent, self-confident and charismatic. As he was talking I think he let it slip, he said: “I’m really adept with people, and I have a baby face: but, I’m a wolf in sheep’s clothing.” To me, this was an instance of the mask slipping. I won’t be seeing this person again, but I was curious here if people on the forum or H.G. thinks this was a narcissistic slip where the mask fell. It’s not something an empath would say-that is for certain. He had a bit to drink so I think his façade was weakened. I don’t think he realized I caught it. (weapons on) It seemed like right out of the book Red Flag. I used to rationalize these things away all the time through emotional thinking, I’d be curious to know others’ or H.G.’s impression on this.
Dear Jen the Adventurer,
Welcome to the blog lovely one
Covid lockdown was very good to you and you learnt well
Narcs always give you a pre warning, he certainly did !
Often we overlook the obvious and brush it off as a joking or flippant comment
I would take it as a huge red flag, normals don’t say things like that
He was playing with you… it’s their game and he was testing you to see if you were paying attention
You just saved yourself with knowledge and power
Hi five 👋clever one !
Luv bubbles xx 😘
Dear Jen
Ps …reread your comment and wanted to add …… he said he was “looking” for a “relationship” …. insert “appliance” instead of “relationship” haha
No one goes out “looking”….. more like he just wanted a ‘quickie’ slice of hot toast with jam to satisfy his temporary hunger
Unusually charming, intelligent, self confident and charismatic …….sounds like it was Mr Tudor ! 🤣
Narcs usually drink a lot as well
I would’ve laughed in his face and walked off
The ‘weasel’ friend I knew, told me straight up he ‘wasn’t normal’ ….. his mask slipped all the time, total head case ! He’d text me, saying he drank too much port or whatever (which he knew he shouldn’t consume as it didn’t agree with him) and I’d ask him ‘why’ ….he’d reply ‘I don’t know’ …… I know now it for my fuel!!!
Be interesting if you hear from him again
So many red flags !!!!
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Hi Bubbles, I didn’t realize they usually drink a lot. That is interesting. Also, insert appliance for relationship, with regard to someone “looking” and stating it as such, very good, I need to remember that.
Dearest A V,
https://narcsite.com/2021/03/23/cheers-alcohol-and-the-narcissist-6/
Cheers 🥂
💕
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Thank you. I forgot about that one. 🙂
Dearest AV,
Just to confirm, the weasel drank to excess. our greater friend drinks excess copious quantities and our son’s partner is on drugs and gets drunk on a regular basis
I rest my case
Ps I drink responsibly …. every day ending in y 🤣
Cheers 🥂
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Ending in Y. LOL.
Hahaha! Glad you are responsible about it!!
Why would a narcissist intentionally get someone pregnant only to cheat and leave? Then gives me money for a down payment for a house yet doesn’t want to be together. Always has a girl from dating apps yet 3.5yrs later won’t allow me to move on and date and now says it’s house to so I can’t have any guy over if I ever dated anybody. Will only come over once a week for a few hours to see his daughter that he wanted yet left me alone with her. He’s a firefighter but not empathetic at all. Never married and this is his first child why do they behave this way? He just said he never even loved me he just had to act a certain way because if he didn’t I would get mad. Yet everytime I tried to communicate and move on he would shut it down and change the subject or tell me to stop it. Everything he says is a lie but then tells me I’m crazy for thinking he’s talking to girls even though I’ve caught him always in denial even with proof. Is there ever an escape to this?
Hello Kristin, you ask a multitude of questions which require more information from you and there is a lot of information for me to convey to you. In order to assist you fully and effectively, you should utilise this https://narcsite.com/private-audio-consultation/
This was entertaining, enlightening, and frightening. Did you record the session, or was this all from memory? It reads like a scene out a thriller, or a horror movie. Where the confused doctor is trying to figure out the brilliant psychopath. But, is just being toyed with.
Yes. I have been ensnared by narcs. But, you’ve made me very grateful to never have come across a greater, or an Ultra. If I had, I would surely be in a padded room somewhere, rocking back and forth trying to comb my nose. 🤣
Don’t know if I would fully recover from one you.
THANKS FOR THE PERSPECTIVE H.G.
And when do they repay this debt?” he asked.
“That’s the problem doctor, ” I said with a sigh, ” they never do. That is why I never let them go.”
Dear HG
Does that also means that it is going to be an everlasting inflicted agony in trying making the victim to repay? And the agony, it will never seem to be enough, as it seems to never be sufficient (to the narc) to repay the “debt for wrong” ?
( hope you understand what i mean)
I am asking because it seems that i am in that cycle now. 😓
This is particular to me as the Ultra and not with regard to all narcissists. Greater Narcissists would behave in a similar way, but not Lesser and Mid-Range. Lesser and Mid-Range will of course bring something up from the past if it serves a purpose to assert control in the now, but they do not “store” the failure in the same way as the Greater and the Ultra do. If you listen to the video “Is the Narcissist Building a Case Against Me?” this explains the idea of using information against you at a future point and demonstrates the difference between the various schools of narcissist.
HG
You said :” this is particular to me.”
You are referring to what you wrote in the writings above, right?
But this narc knows what he is doing, because it is too deliberate.
The butchering cuts on me, are all calculated and deliberate, and it is going to be everlasting, unless i cut it off. Nothing will ever satisfy him how much hurt is he inflicting on me, it will never be enough suffering to repay what he think i should repay, it’s like a burning fire within him, he has to rip me apart, every time he sees me.
( Although, between slicing , he insanily say: “i love you, i need you”)
When i am rational and not letting my emotional thinking taking over, i can see it clearly. He is a psycopath, no more doubts.
But alas, i am addicted to “delusion”.
I am considering a consultation, although i can see the hellish manipulation clearly and completely.
The problem now it is myself.
Why do they not repay debts?
Hello Emma, do you mean generally with regard to financial debts? Some narcissists will do so, where doing so preserves the facade and allows the assertion of control and drawing of fuel. Others will not do so given the sense of entitlement, absence of accountability and absence of emotional empathy for the creditor.
HG
I don’t think Emma was referring to financial debt?
But rather why victims can never repay the debt to the narcissist?
That is what i understood from your writings, and i am experiencing that myself with this psychopathic narcissist. Like i have already commented personally.
💜
Perhaps an example from my experience would help. I was the one who left. Somehow, I figured him out. It took me several years of careful planning. I moved far away and made sure I took what was rightfully mine. We have a child together, he never wanted a kid. But as I implemented no contact regimen, he triangulated 7 year old to his “getting even with me game”. Each attempt he tried he lost. We are talking about $100k attorney fees each year… this is my 3rd year. If you will, my no contact regime is expensive. I am trying to understand not when will it be over, but why can’t I repay debt. He is married now, still using prostitution and now he moved towards his wife’s older daughter. I mean how much fuel someone like him needs? When is enough, enough?
You said they never repay the debt. So you don’t let them go. Why is it they -those who took advantage of your kindness- don’t repay debt? Or how should they repay …so eventually you let them go?