The Ten Initial Desires of the Narcissist



I am red of tooth and claw. I seduce, I hurt, I cast to one side and like some malevolent Pied Piper, I play my tunes once again and draw you into my fabricated world. I operate a zero sum policy. I want what you have. If I gain it, I win. I love to win. I must always win. The winner is the conqueror, the strongest and the survivor. This is what I have been taught. That is the reality of my existence. Yet when you have been selected as our targets and the seduction has commenced, we have certain desires that we want to be true. There are initial desires that exist so that we do not have to go down the road so often travelled. We may have ensnared you but might we remain protector rather than persecutor?

We have these wants at the outset of our coupling with you. These are genuine, well-intentioned and considerable in nature. We are imbued with hope, optimism and confidence, every time a new prospect has been embraced by us. We want these things so that the teeth are never bared and the claws remain lowered.

  1. You are the one

I chose you because you are so special. I truly believe that you are the one, this time, to change everything that has happened before. You are the one who will save us, you have been selected beyond everybody else because you are the one. That is why we have such an infatuation with you at the outset of our relationship.

  1. You will not betray us.

The world is a cruel and harsh place and we know better than most how that is the case. We are surrounded by those who would strike us down and grind us into the nothingness which we fear. Those assassins lurk and wait, seeking their moment and we must ensure we remain vigilant so we do not fall prey to them. Traitors and betrayers mill about us, but we are wise to them. We know their game and we have them in our eye. We do not want you to be one of them.

  1. You won’t be like the others

We thought they would be the ones that we desired but they disappointed and dismayed and they left us no choice other than to punish them for their lack of loyalty and their false promises. We had to do so, otherwise a failure to act would only compound the perception of our weakness and we must at all times project to the world our image of success and magnificence. We hope you will not be like them so we need not maintain such a façade and we hope you will prove your worth so that you will not be like the others and let us down.

  1. You will stop the emptiness

Each and every day we must seek to fill the void that lurks within. It is part of what we are and we accept that this is the task which must be addressed because so much rests on being able to perform this important act. It is the reason for our existence but perhaps you can stop that sense of emptiness for us. Perhaps you can take away that void and provide us with the substance that we crave.

  1. You quell the fury

It is always there, churning away, waiting to be unleashed and directed at some transgressor, critic or traitor. I have learned to control it, many of my kind cannot do so and will never do so, it is a mark of my excellence and my superiority. I make it work for me, to advance my plans and to smite my foes. I have no choice for it is always there, waiting to be ignited in an instant. I can control it but I cannot quell it. Can you be the one to do this for me?

  1. You won’t get too close

Perhaps if you avoid getting too close to us you will not then let us down like the others before you have. We hope that you can provide us with all the things that we desire without the need to invade our inner sanctum which must remain locked and shuttered. Do not attempt to enter there for the consequences are too dreadful, for us both. Do not get too close and perhaps we have a chance to achieve the other desires that we wish for.

  1. You really do love us

They all seem to do so at the beginning but then we find ourselves surrounded by charlatans, con-merchants and frauds. Why does this always happen? All we want is for you to love us, unconditionally and eternally. That is what we only ever wanted.

  1. You will not wound us

No matter how grand and imperial we are, no matter how magnificent our achievements and our deportment that signals to the world that we are truly brilliant, a leader in our field, a behemoth and a colossus, we can be wounded with such despicable ease by those who send criticism our way. It hurts, it burns and it wounds and we must defend ourselves against such unwarranted and disgusting behaviour. Perhaps you will be the one who will not wound us in this way.

  1. You will not leave

Don’t leave us. The others have always done so. We do not understand why that is after everything that we have done, all the things we endeavoured to do to please them and then this is what happens. The others leave us twice. They come with such promise and deliver for a time but then they do so no longer and through such an omission they leave us. We want that person to return but struggle to contain the fury which is unleashed from this horrible criticism of us and then you sever all possibility of a return when you walk away from us. Do you know who you are when you do that?

  1. You won’t make us leave you.

Please do not do the things which force us away from you. The others all headed down that path. It causes us to consider that we are cursed, forever burdened by the fate that we will have no choice other than to leave you in order to secure our survival. Perhaps you can be the one who prevents that feeling from happening?

Each and every time these ten desires loom large when we commence our engagement with you. Some show such promise and for such a time and then one by one these desires are crushed, shattered and obliterated. We know only one way to respond to the destruction of our desires because we are red of tooth and claw.

5 thoughts on “The Ten Initial Desires of the Narcissist

  1. Sandra says:

    I seem to be obsessed with the topic of all things narc “I see narc people” everywhere, my own family too. I believe my husband and I are empaths of varying degree. I became fascinated when we found out why his daughter is alienated from him and how crazy his ex made him feel. It is as if I feel everything he felt and more. We did a rather forensic analysis of his former family trauma : the triangulation, cross generational coalition, the devaluing, etc. and have diagnosed his ex as a mid range narc. His daughter wants to maintain “silent separation” as she has for the past 19 years and is now 35 years old. His ex is on husband #3 and she discards and then marries very quickly saying her exes are liars and abusers. He even spoke to ex #2 and found out a whole boatload of info as they commiserated together. His daughter believes she was molested, but also says she lost memory of her childhood. She supports her mother to the nth degree. We are hopeful she is an empath and will wake up one day and know the truth but he fears she will be a narc like her mother.

  2. BC30 says:

    #9 Gee whiz, I wonder why. Adios bitchachos!!

  3. A Victor says:

    Recently we had a conversation about the void, the inner child etc. I don’t remember where that was but reading this, number 4 struck me as our void being that of the addiction and needing the narcissist to fill it. Maybe that is it for me. Does that mean ET is high or is that an always present sensation? I remember having had it on and off over the years. Or at least being aware of it sometimes. But I don’t recall if it was when I was with my ex or without him. Except recently. Not sure why it would be here now. Maybe it is just the impending empty nest thing and feeling like I need to find a new purpose. Anyway, this article was timely.

    1. Leigh says:

      HI AV, we always have the addiction but our ET is not necessarily always high. We have to learn to lower our emotional thinking and use logical thinking instead. The way to lower our ET is to stay away from the narcissist. The addiction will always be there but by staying away from the narcissist, our logical thinking will keep up from going back to the narcissist and seeing things clearly. When we use LT, we will also stop making excuses for the narcissist.

      I don’t know if the impending empty nest syndrome is from emotional thinking. It might heighten your emotional thinking though. I would be careful and keep your antennae up. These pesky narcissists know when to swoop in.

      1. A Victor says:

        Oh, right Leigh! We always have the addiction but it’s the elevated ET that likely creates the feeling of the void. Also, as you pointed out to me, mine could just be a matter of circumstances at the moment, I’ve been thinking it is a lot that and looking at how I can change that. Thank you for the reminder.

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