Needing Release

Add-a-heaNEEDINGding

 

Why will you not let me go? I just want to be on my own, I have had enough of you. Is it too much to ask that I am able to lead my own life free of your presence and influence? I need to do this for myself. I do not want to be with you anymore. I had to get out. I have other things I want to do and they do not involve you.

In truth, I have been wanting to do this for some time but you always managed to prevent me from going. There was always some reason that came up to stop me from breaking free of you. Every time I girded my loins in order to achieve my freedom you would do or say something that would stop me from going. I don’t know how you manage to do it.

It is a fearsome power you have when I stop to think about it. It infuriates me actually, the way you manage to keep this hold over me. It is as if you know exactly what I need and you just have to say the right words. It is like weaving a spell, yes, that is it, you are a sorcerer and when you utter the incantation I am stopped from getting away. You freeze me where I stand or you take control of my decisions and actions. Sometimes your dark magic creates a wall that I cannot see but it is there and I cannot get past it. I despise the fact that you are able to do this to me.

It should not be like this. You should not be allowed to control me. I know I cannot expect someone like you to even think that what you do is wrong because all you ever do is think about yourself. I have realised this; eventually. It has come at some cost because I always gave you the benefit of the doubt. I have tried to understand you but so many times it is like trying to play a vinyl record on an ipod. Impossible. I still do not understand why you have done what you have done and perhaps I never will, thank goodness there are other people who I can turn to. I know they will not do what you have done to me. You really are inhuman at times.

What’s that? I gave you no reason for why I left? Why would I? You do not deserve an explanation. Why would I give you the pleasure of seeing me having to explain myself to you? Why would I give you a further opportunity to cast another spell and stop me in my tracks once again. I just had to get away from you but look where we are now. You just will not let it happen will you.

Why not just get on with your own life? You are no use to me anymore. Is that the reason? It is part of the reason, yes. No, I am not going to tell you more because you will just use it as a way to worm your way back in and get hold of me once again because that is what you do. It is no good denying it, you have done it so many times. If I give the proverbial inch you take a yard. I don’t know why you are shaking your head because it is true. I don’t care if it hurts, how hurt do you think I am after what you did to me. I had to leave you.

There was no hope for any other way. I had to escape you otherwise, well, I do not want to consider what might have happened if I had remained. Just let me go will you. Why do you keep contacting me? I have nothing to say to you. I do not want to speak to you, I do not want to exchange messages, I do not want to see you. No, I do not want to talk about it. No, I do not want to sort matters out. No I do not want to try to resolve our differences. There is no point. I have moved on. Yes, I have moved on. I thought I needed you, I really did but it turns out that this is not the case any longer. I have broken free of your grip and believe me it has been a long time coming.

They all know by the way, my friends, your friends, our colleagues and families. I had to tell them because I knew this is what you would do. I knew how dangerous you are and I had to warn them to watch out for you because I just knew you would try and get to me through them. You have done it before but I anticipated this move. I am good at reading you. I have had plenty of practice you see and I always know what you are going to do and say.

Your predictability has given me such an advantage now and I am using to ensure I stay away from you, so why don’t you just let go? How can this possibly help you or me? You keep clinging on but I don’t understand why? There is no point in your doing this. There is no point in keep ringing me, although how you got my number I am not sure. Don’t hang around my neighbourhood either, yes I have seen you from the window and my neighbours have told me you have been doing it. It is no good denying it, I know what you are like.

You are crazy, you are obsessed, I just need you to leave me alone. Please stop it. I am trying to move forward and you need to do the same. I don’t want to discuss the past. There is no point it is done. What’s that, you don’t like it when I do this, it as if I have changed into someone else. Well, I suppose I have, I have had to, in order to escape your influence. Look, this is getting nowhere, I have been civil with you for the sake of the other people here but it won’t last if you keep this up.

Go, go now and leave me alone.

Please. Just do it. Move on.

You can find someone else, I am sure there is someone equally crazy who will take you with open arms.

Don’t look like that, I am just telling you how it is.

How can I just change like that? It isn’t me that has changed, it was you, you conned me, but I am not going through all of that now, I know what you are doing you are trying to keep me talking in the hope of persuading me, well it won’t work and besides, you really must go now because my new girlfriend will be here in a moment and I don’t want her to have to deal with you and your lunacy.

Go.

20 thoughts on “Needing Release

  1. J a says:

    I’ve just shared this with mine. Why, in the hope he’ll read it, see things my way? Leave his new piece, apologise and come back to me?? It’s like self flagellation. I can see exactly what’s happened but can’t leave it, what’s wrong with me??

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are being adversely affected by emotional thinking, you should organise a consultation with me.

  2. Kiki says:

    Thank you Asp Emp , BC , JB

    I really appreciate your replies .
    BC he has my work email and knows my place of work .He once sent me a card through my work.
    Unfortunately I cannot change that , he also had my phone number , but I’m sure had lots of women’s numbers .Again it would look really off in my work to change that .I am a teacher.
    I have gone 7 months and I am proud of that .
    It’s weird but the beginning was easier than now.
    I got through his birthday no contact a few weeks ago too .
    I know it’s ET that is making me wonder why I haven’t heard a thing .I’ll be honest it hurts , he just decided to cut me off out of the blue one day for no reason.So I shouldn’t be surprised.
    I think he had found a new appliance to chase and play with and I was stale.That’s my thinking anyway.

    Thank you 😊

    Kiki

    1. Eliza says:

      Kiki ! So Many Wonderful people and thoughtful messages of support ! I can only add that Even 30 years of marriage to MrRight and I still can have a reminder or dream and X pops into my thoughts …. BUT once you have a good HEALTHY relationship that is NOT with a Narc ( even if it is only a short one ) will TEACH YOU so much 💗 I wish I could lift my life experiences into this blog to help everybody. My thoughts of X now are mostly THANK God I got away ! You will get there too !! Keep BUSY !! Its the BEST Medicine- furiously clean, paint your walls, sew cushions, paint a picture, write a story, garden, get in shape, learn a new language, join a club, volunteer !! Get moving and your mind will refocus on the future NOT the Past 💕

      1. A Victor says:

        Hi Eliza,
        Your “once you have a good HEALTHY relationship that is NOT with a Narc ( even if it is only a short one ) will TEACH YOU so much” was as good as lifting your life experience in the blog! For me anyway. Thank you for that! That is huge!

        I understand the keep busy thinking, distractions and all and of value for sure. In my case, once narcissism became a known part of the picture, I have had to keep busy with the best stuff, the stuff that would help me get beyond my experiences, to learn, grow, rewire my thinking etc. So, yes, be busy, but be sure to attend to that which is the most important within that busy-ness. This is hard work, it takes time and focus. I have had to ensure I’m getting proper sleep and nutrition, exercise, just to have the energy to do my (real life) job and focus on this learning. Some things have been put aside for the duration, until I feel I’ve somewhat “got it”. Everyone does things differently, at their own pace, of course, and I tend be one to focus intensely on new things for a while and then, once it is cemented pretty well, lighten up the focus so other things can come back. I always think of it as ‘don’t waste my busy-ness’. I do wish I could take a vacation though! 🙂

    2. Asp Emp says:

      Kiki, no worries and I appreciate your response.

      Can I suggest – if it is possible – to do a block on his email address through the settings of your work email? You should be allowed to do this because in some way, it is not necessarily appropriate to receive personal emails at work (check you work procedures on this – if not, ask HR / Personnel Dept?).

      Realistically, you should not be expected to use your personal mobile for work communications – there was a massive hoo-ha over this where I worked in the past. You can check whether there are any procedures in relation to using mobiles at work. And the fact you are a teacher should offer you reasons for separating the work / personal communications (email, mobile etc). You can use ‘safeguarding others’ and ‘confidentiality’ as back-up reasons – again it all depends on your work procedures / policies – what they say.

      I understand why you say the beginning was easier than now – that is because your ET is ‘playing’ against your LT. At the beginning, your mind & emotions are almost like in a ‘block’ to the reality of the affects of / addiction to narcissism (because you were not as aware at the start, compared to where you are now) And with your learning about narcissism – the ‘cloud’ of emotional / mental ‘confusion’ is lessening yet it does hurt like hell when your mind begins to ‘process’ the fact that you were ensnared by a narcissist.

      By thinking that he has a new appliance – you are still ‘holding onto’ your addiction for that narcissist. You will eventually stop thinking about / like that, it does take time.

      Thank you for sharing 🙂

      1. BC30 says:

        I second this.

        I also informed staff that this individual is not to be permitted to have any contact with me. They don’t know why, of course, but it’s a solid line of defense. (This is only an issue with one of my narcs.)

        His perception of me as a devalued/discarded “shelf appliance” coupled with ignored hoovers means I’m unlikely to be bothered.

        1. Asp Emp says:

          Thank you BC30, good to read your response 🙂

        2. Kiki says:

          Thank you everyone , that’s it , it still hurts.
          I feel like I’m stuck , despite my progress.
          Our connection spanned ten years .
          I’m on summer break now , the intensity of teaching comes to a screeching halt , and that is a trigger I think .I’m not as busy but it’s only been two days since I started my holidays.
          I just want to be able to relax without thinking about him.
          After this length of time I should not be in this place emotionally.🥺

          Kiki❤️

          1. Asp Emp says:

            Kiki, you saying about being on a summer break from working and saying it’s the trigger. You have answered your own ‘quandary’ RE: your ET and the narcissist. Is there something, ie hobby that you have and maybe not have done for some time that you could re-visit? Or even start something new that you have considered in the past but never commenced on? Stay strong lass 🙂

          2. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Kiki, I’m a college professor. Summers used to hurt because I was away from the narc too. I understand what you say about your email. I blocked my Narc so that his emails got sent to spam, only to find myself checking spam compulsively to see if he had even attempted to contact me. The only thing that helped me was to shift that victimizing perspective we have about hoovers. Instead of thinking I was so valuable for him every time he hoovered me, I started thinking he is hoovering me because he thinks I’m weak and easy to manipulate. Fuck. Him. Chin up, prove your real value girl, dump that asshole. You don’t need his validation, he needs yours. It’s an addiction and you are going through withdrawal. It shall pass. 😘

          3. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Also: he is a professor too and unless I want to attract the attention of the inherently gossipy academic community à la Barbra Streisand effect, I cannot go to HR and ask to please block Professor Somatic…

          4. MP says:

            Hello Kiki, I haven’t read all of the responses and mine might be a repeat but hopefully can still be helpful.

            For me it helps to give myself abundant love in order to maintain my NC and stop thinking about them. When I give myself abundant love I’m just too focused on how blessed I am and someone who I know is not good for me becomes more and more irrelevant. Things I do to celebrate my love for myself is taking the time to take care of myself. A bubble bath, swimming, a ten step skin care routine, dressing up etc. are rituals that can be done regularly until your focus goes back to you. When I put time on myself and it makes me feel I’m taking care of myself it makes me feel valuable and it brings back my focus on me. Rituals help because you are also making commitment for yourself which is a way or showing yourself importance.

  3. Kiki says:

    Hi everyone I haven’t commented in awhile but still reading here.
    This post is hitting me hard.
    I’m over 6 months almost 7 months no contact , no hoover from ex Narc and instead of feeling empowered I’m feeling deflated lately.
    This urge to contact him is getting worse , I know deep down I’m hurt as I wasn’t even worth a hoover , nothing. It’s eating at me .I know it’s ridiculous.🥴
    He never checked on me once despite me going through a really terrible emotional time last Christmas.
    What’s wrong with me ?
    If anyone has any advice I would appreciate if you could please help .

    Kiki ❤️

    1. Asp Emp says:

      Kiki, good to know that you are still reading. There will be articles that can trigger ET, that is normal for empaths because of the ‘addiction’ to narcissism.

      Do not give in to your NC regime. You have done well for the 6-7 months. How you can feel is not ridiculous. The ‘hurt’ I can understand and it does take time to get over it.

      If he cared about you at all, he would have got in touch and not ignored you.

      You have done the right thing by reaching out to us here.

      I know it is not easy. Stay strong 🙂

    2. BC30 says:

      Nothing is wrong with you. How do you know he hasn’t hoovered? How solid is your NC regime?

      But yeah, it really fucking sucks. 💔 I made it through the holiday season and my birthday and our “anniversary” without a peep from him (I guess, I have pretty solid NC regime and my confidants haven’t told me anything). I tell myself that he NEVER cared about me from the beginning.

      I remind myself that the whole relationship was a lie. That stings, but it helps me to remember that if he hoovers me it won’t be because he misses BC30, he just wants fuel and thinks I am low hanging fruit. He never checked on you because he doesn’t care, not because you are unworthy, but because he is INCAPABLE of caring about ANYONE. It’s not you.

      As time passes, it will get easier. I journal and burn and break things. That may not work for you, but try it. Go axe throwing or smash some glass (wear goggles), etc.

      YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN A HOOVER, DOLL. 💖💖💖 I see it even here, just from what you have shared that you are amazing and loving and talented.

    3. JB says:

      Kiki, nothing’s wrong with you! Everything you have just said is normal and completely understandable. But think of it as going cold turkey; at the moment it’s hitting an unbearable peak, but you need to keep strong and resist contacting again to get over the hump xx

    4. Truthseeker6157 says:

      Kiki,

      It’s not ridiculous at all. I think most of us want the hoover to appear, if nothing else so we can congratulate ourselves on the fact that we ignored it. If we don’t get a hoover, well, that must mean that he didn’t care after all. ‘I went through all of that, tore myself apart deliberating what to do, drove myself into the ground trying to fix things, trying to keep it going, and for what? He knows I’m upset, he knows I’m struggling, and I’m not even worth a phone call just to check in and see how I’m doing?’ That’s roughly how it feels I think.

      We think these things because underneath it all we still believe that the narcissist is wired like us. That’s what our ET is telling us at least. We cared, we miss, we would check in if they were in trouble and in spite of it all, because they really meant something to us. They really did. We wouldn’t have put up with their bullshit if we didn’t. These are our measures though, our perspective and our world view. We read the lack of hoover as lack of worth because we measure it to our own standards.

      Let’s look at the narcissist and his view of a hoover. Well I’m sorry, but really it’s about as complicated as Pavlov’s dog and a tuning fork. (The narcissist being the dog not the fork.) You walk out of the house, bingo, you’re gone. Easy as that. Poof! Gone. There’s no emotional bond to keep you in mind. The narcissist simply toddles off towards the next shiny object. There’s no deliberation, no thought to call or not to call. The narcissist isn’t choosing to ignore you, you disappeared for now, he can’t see you, hear you, smell you or touch you, so in his world, you definitely aren’t there. This is what No Contact is designed to do. If done properly, the stimulus is removed. No salivating dog awaiting his bowl of fuel.

      Now, if you pop into his head as your favourite song comes on the radio, if someone walks past him wearing your perfume, now we have the stimulus and the salivating dog considers an exploratory trot towards the ping of the tuning fork again. These occurrences are rare though, and if the dog just chowed down on a great big steak, he might not even bother moving. That’s how it works, pretty much. This is how I look at hoover triggers and the execution criteria. I’m not that far off the mark.

      Don’t feel sad or frustrated. You have a whole host of beautiful healthy emotions that govern you and make you the person you are. These are yours. They do not belong to him. If you accept that the narcissist is not looking at things with these same guiding emotions, he isn’t choosing not to hoover you, he is simply just lacking a stimulus, then you shouldn’t feel so bad. Hopefully.

      Kiki, it’s not you. It’s him. Xx

    5. Bubbles says:

      Dearest Kiki,
      Ride the wave and get over that emotional storm, remember Tom Hanks in Castaway? He did it !
      Calm waters will prevail, everything takes time
      You are surfing it Kiki
      There is nothing wrong with you ….. remember that and use it as an affirmation “there’s nothing wrong with me” and add …. “I’immmmm faaabulous”
      Perhaps just read the comments and not the posts for a bit, they can be very triggering!
      You’re doing so great ……..keep it up
      We’re all here for you
      💕
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    6. Fiddleress says:

      Hello Kiki,

      First of all, well done on NOT getting any hoovers, and on being near 7 months no contact!

      Nothing is wrong with you, Kiki, it is your addiction asking to be fed. Have you listened to HG’s “How To Stop Thinking About the Narcissist”? If you have, maybe it’s time to listen again and apply everything that is in this package. It really helps. As well as turning to new people. Kind people. I have realised lately that choosing to surround myself only by kind people has really helped in keeping my ET down. I have become allergic to uncaring and generally mean people. Maybe I always was but that addiction kept me interacting with them (partly, I believe, to prove to myself that I was strong enough to take anything and come out the other end unscathed. Well, it doesn’t work at all !). I have accepted that I am vulnerable and will simply hurt too much when I interact with abusers. You went no contact for a reason, and probably for many reasons. Remind yourself of them; remind yourself that they will never change. If you get in touch, you will get more of the same. No point.

      Stay strong! It can be bloody hard, but so worth it.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.