The Desire to Destroy the Narcissist



I know you hate me. Your kind are filled with love and then filled with hate. There is no need to deny it. It is a normal reaction for someone like you and one which I entirely endorse and encourage.

I know you will try and mask that burning anger that you feel by saying you pity me or that you have nothing but contempt for me but I can see it. Those sensational eyes of yours that once blazed with desire, passion and most of all hope, are now filled with the churning, billowing flames of hatred.

Some of you will fight to contain this sensation. You fear that by giving in to this hatred that you will somehow be on a level with me. I can ease your fears in that regard. You are nowhere near my level and nor were you. I placed you far higher than me to begin with. Yes it was artificial and all part of my design but you had no complaint then did you? You did not object or demur when I thrust you skywards and planted you on that pedestal. Of course you did not.

Who would?

Nobody would and least of all somebody like you. Now you are on your true level, way down below me, cast onto stony ground, broken and shattered. Amazing though isn’t it how you managed to summon such an anger from somewhere. How many times had you said to your confidantes that you felt numb (yes they were reporting back to me). Yet now look at you. A seething, glowering fireball of hatred and it is all directed at me. I adore this.

You want to destroy me. I know you do. You all do. The one before you was exactly the same as the one before was and the one before her. The next one will be just the same,although I do expect that she might just be different and somehow avoid the mistakes all those who have gone before have made.

I have seen this hatred many times and your desire for revenge is strong. Of course it is. I made it this way. Everything I did as I brought you down low was programmed to cause you to eventually explode into hatred. From elation to despair, through broken to numb. Eventually the switch would be flicked and as puppet master I ignite the fire beneath you which stokes the flames of hatred.

Despise me, go on, do it. Send those wicked words towards me. Tell me what a bastard I am. Keep it coming. Pull your hair, wave your fist and stamp your feet. Tell me how you are going to scratch my car. Feels good does it not? Believe me, it feels even better being on the receiving end of your bile and hate.

Go on, sit with your friends and plot your revenge, I can feel you all huddled around your cauldron as you try and concoct ways at getting back at me. I feel so powerful knowing you are focussed on seeking retribution. This is what I want. I want to bask in the heat of your anger, I want to be covered in the disgust and distaste that you will spew towards me.

I want you scheming, hatching and planning. By hurting you so deeply I plant inside you that overwhelming desire to get even with me. It happens every time and is all part of my master plan to ensure you, my beautiful appliance keep pouring fuel in my direction. I make you seek revenge for in doing so, your planning and ham-fisted execution of the same give me what I want. Fuel.

You are blinded with your hatred so that you fail to realise you will not succeed in gaining revenge, not by shouting, spitting and scratching. Oh no, this overload of howling anger is just a banshee of fuel to me. I will twist and shift as I thwart your attempts, laughing at your pathetic efforts to try and get one over on me. This will spur you on as I lead you on yet another merry dance as I continue to take from you exactly what I need.

All you will do by obsessing over trying to bring me down is remain ensnared. True, we may no longer be in a Formal Relationship as husband and wife any longer, but you are continuing to engage with me. You are thinking about how to bring me down, you are discussing how hateful I am with your friends, you are stalking my online activity, you drive past where I work and where I live to see what I am doing as you plot and hatch.

All you are doing is keeping me alive in your mind, making it easier and easier for me to stay there. Your emotional thinking was too high to begin with as a consequence of the ensnarement and then the unanswered questions when I disengaged from you. You failed to drain your emotional thinking.

You failed to allow your logic to gain any kind of foothold. You have read, watched and listened but there is no room for it to sink in because your emotional thinking was too high and furthermore it remains too high. It remains too high because your desire to destroy me, to exact revenge and see me suffer keeps feeding that emotional thinking.

Round and round your thoughts go. You think you are feeling better, no longer sad, no longer hurting, but the anger that has replaced those feelings (or perhaps has temporarily overridden them) means that you have lost insight.

Your emotional thinking has you in its grip. It, in its usual cunning way, has conned you into thinking that you have moved forward by causing you to think that this anger, this planning, this desire to destroy is evidence of progress and recovery.

It is not.

It is too soon. Too soon from your disengagement. Too soon from your escape. Too soon from the hoovering.

All you are doing is engaging with me once more. My reactions may seem one of anger and irritation, but that is just my self-defence mechanism responding in order to assert my superiority once again as I draw on your Challenge Fuel. You are not wounding me. I repeat, you are not wounding me.

Your attacks against me are surrounded by venom, anger and annoyance. Thus it is Challenge Fuel. This just fuels me and my responses cause you to think you are getting to me, you are not, those reactions are designed, an instinctive response by my narcissism, to make you think you are getting somewhere, to make you give me more fuel and to allow me to assert my superiority over you as that must always be done.

Your desire for revenge is premature. You must reduce your emotional thinking through a robust no contact, you must build your Logic Defences and allow them to gain a foothold and then bring that reduced emotional thinking under control. This takes time, many months, to achieve.

Yet once done, with that emotional thinking at a far lower level and with logic prevailing, any remaining desire to destroy (and often it has now faded with the diminution of emotional thinking) means that it will be deployed from a distance, with cool, hard calculation and if you do so in accordance with the steps set out in my work Revenge then you will avoid being ensnared, you will avoid messing up the revenge campaign and you are far, far more likely to meet with success.

But if you fail to heed these wise words and think you know better. If you think you are ready now to effect revenge, with ill-preparation and rampant emotional thinking then please do seek it.

You will not get it.

62 thoughts on “The Desire to Destroy the Narcissist

  1. Donna says:

    I wanted to say to you that it would seem normal to love the narc but come to hate. And I’d have put myself in that category. However, something changed in me. I used to such good fuel with all my chaos and crisis via Codependence. But I found healing and stopped that crap. And because I was the way I was, I cannot blame the narc (who I believe is Codependence) fir why he is the way he is. So I don’t hate him. I do want to be free from this but not out of hate. I know I can’t fix him or change him. It’s not my place. But don’t throw us all in one bucket. I feel sorry for him now that I understand. I don’t love him anymore. And I don’t hate him.

  2. Violetta says:

    On the bright side, some of them destroy themselves.

    “Centuries old Native American human remains are found buried on estate just yards from Meghan and Harry’s $14.7million mansion in Montecito”

    So along with “Poltergeist” quotes and suggestions to do a crossover episode of “The Me You Can’t See” with “Ghost Hunters,” there appeared the following conversation:

    Blastman, Kane, United States, 1 hour ago

    These comments are disgraceful! Meghan will help these people heal from their generational genetic pain!

    elizabethxf, Los Angeles, 1 hour ago


    DAmore, Chicago, United States, 1 hour ago

    She will help them over a cliff.

    katewyatt, Norfolk, Canada, 1 hour ago

    she has been practicing on her dogs and it is not going well

    When Madonna wears something that would have been daring in 1985, there are calls to “Put it away, Grandma!” Rockers who mistreat their groupies find that as they get older and lose their looks along with their places on the charts, there aren’t that many people willing to have sex with them. Even Trump conceded, with astonishment, that the reason people didn’t appreciate all his achievements was “maybe they just don’t like me.”

    They may not all get punished in this life, but if their power is based solely on ephemeral things, we often have the satisfaction of seeing the once-famous flame out. As for the ones in our lives, it’s best not to search for them in the hopes Karma finally drop-kicked them–you might be disappointed if they seem to be doing well, or feel sorry if they finally got that well-deserved boot in the backside, and either way, it elevates ET–but I’m getting the impression that the ones who have no real talents or abilities eventually find fewer people to con when their charm diminishes. If you’ve ever watched true crime shows, you’ve seen how some career psychopaths are dumbfounded when their fabled charisma just doesn’t seem to be working anymore.

    1. Sandra L Martin says:

      Absolutely they lose their charm as they age. I can see that with my husband’s ex who alienated their daughter against him. She is on husband #3 but it looks like she’s scraping the bottom of the barrel. He’s an overweight hick from some southern mountain clan I’m sure, but a decent guy nevertheless. How do I know he’s decent? Same way you know that birds sing and lions roar. hehe That’s the only kind she goes for. He has to be to be fooled by her love bombing. Her and her 7 brothers make quite a team. They serve as her flying monkeys.

  3. Erica says:

    Do our comments need to be approved to be posted? I made one yesterday and it never came up. New to this site and not sure how things work.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      See the rules in the Formal Info section.

      1. Erica says:

        For some reason the link would not open for me yesterday, but it did now and so I have read it. I think my comment follows all of the rules, so perhaps it’s up for review still. Thanks you for the response HG.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

  4. Christa M Emerson says:

    I don’t know how you know this exactly but this is where I still am at almost four years later. Yesterday was triggered by a $400 Yeti cooler bag left on the deck by my son. Didn’t know where it came from and found out it was his and he’d brought some food to my son from Wisconsin. That cooler just sitting there was almost like him sitting there flaunting the fact that he could buy a cooler like that while my house rots trying to get this divorce settled with him. More likely than not someone in his coterie loaned it to him and he will take his sweet time returning it because he’s entitled to everyone’s stuff.

  5. Erica says:

    Hello HG,

    I’ve only just discovered you today and have listened to a few hours of your material while doing yard work. I appreciate that you have chosen to share and educate on this topic. It’s given me a bit more insight into my stepfather and also a POS I am recovering from interacting with.

    Funny I should run across this article. I did not read it based on the title but merely wanted to read your latest post. I have spent a lifetime denying my anger and have felt quite good the last few weeks in finally allowing myself to be angry. Not outwardly towards anyone, but just within my own thoughts and emotions.

    Now you’ve taken a bit of the joy away lol.

    As I’ve only just discovered you, I am unsure your answer and curious about your take on empaths. When I was younger, I used to think that being empathic was a wonderful gift, a superpower of sorts. Now I see it as a sign that the more empathic one is, the more they have been damaged, and emptied of themselves. The successful recovery from a lifetime of that is what I think makes it something good and useful, but otherwise, it is a weakness, a detriment to oneself, though a boon to others. I know this is something I will continue to ruminate on for a bit, but I no longer find this admirable. Would you care to share your thoughts?

    Thank you,

    Erica Michelle

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Welcome Erica, I would encourage you to read more of my article and listen to my YouTube videos and you will learn more about empaths.

  6. Sandra Martin says:

    Of course I don’t hate my husband’s ex. I hate what she did. I do sometimes wonder if she might change if she got struck by lightning, or kicked by a mule in the head. No matter, she too will die one day then burn in hell.

  7. LG says:

    I am still madly in love. I won’t let him take advantage of me anymore (no residual benefits without tangible evidence of change) so he has completely disengaged from me. I get mad but i can’t stay mad, and i think that drives him crazy. His tender loving giving fun joyful side is just so mesmerizing and amazing. He’s tried being rough but it just turns me on. I know I’m a disappointment because i won’t give him negative fuel… but i just don’t have it in me. He’s back on tinder of course hunting. I miss him. But i guess i will just have to live without him. I know i’m better off without him… but i swear i will miss him every day for the rest of my life. His strength and ability to focus is incredible. He is amazing. The narcissistic psychopath’s energy is so productive. HG, you guys really are bastions of industry, amazing leaders and incredible men.

    1. Kiki says:

      LG Yikes , be careful of that emotional thinking.
      I get it though. I miss my ex Narc but the horror of the way he treated me before my disengagement and HGs help has bolstered me in ways I never though.
      I think I’m fighting the second battle now 7 months no contact.
      I’m getting urges to poke at him , honestly I think it’s the fact he didn’t hoover me .
      In a way it feels yucky but again that’s my addiction talking.
      My experience is I can never think of him as amazing, a great liar yes , a serial cheater of many women yes and a manipulative bastard without an ounce of emotional empathy yes .( the lack of real empathy that was the most frightening aspect)
      He most likely is using a new appliance or two now.


      1. LG says:

        Thank you, i know you are right. I have to be so careful… my life is just now getting right and really good… so i know that is his queue to try to reel me in again.

        1. lisk says:

          Excellent that you are aware of that.

    2. Truthseeker6157 says:


      I know you think you won’t stop missing him. That’s a scary feeling. That thought that you are strong enough to stay away, but that you will always crave him. That does change and it does get easier.

      His lovely side, those things about him you miss, they were manipulations. He doesn’t feel emotions as you do, not the positive ones anyway. Those things that you think you miss were not real, they were never real to begin with and they won’t ever be real going forward, for you, or for anyone else. It takes time to fully accept this. We read the words, but the enormity of them takes time to fully sink in. It does sink in though, and when it does, that missing feeling starts to break apart.

      Stay away from him. Make sure you fully understand what No Contact entails. We can help you with that. This is the first step to get rid of that cloudy feeling. One day at a time in No Contact and things will start to feel easier.

      Keep reading the articles here on the blog and listening to the videos on YouTube. Step by step, the truth of the information will take hold and you will feel more in control of things. Stay strong LG xx

      1. LG says:

        Thank you. Every single lovely beautiful was a manipulation… i know that’s true. HG’s video ” This frees you from the narcissist” is so good: Anyone who habitually, regularly and as a pattern, abused you could never have loved you” is just so true. I wil just remind myself over and over and over… that’s all i can do. And I do think that I will never ever forget him. I don’t think that’s possible. I think I’m always gonna love the person that he originally showed me.

        1. Truthseeker6157 says:


          I really feel for you here. It’s not so long ago I felt the same way myself and it takes a while to pick apart exactly why. It actually angered me when people would tell me I wouldn’t always feel that way. I felt like saying ‘What do you know? You aren’t me.’ I thought perhaps there was something different about me, a reason why I wasn’t disconnecting. I felt like a poor student. I felt like mentally, I should be further forwards.

          It just takes time to figure it out. There will be a reason for you missing him. It might not have anything to do with him. It might be more to do with you. The situation you were in when it all began perhaps. Something you believe he provided that can’t be replaced. I also had a feeling of ‘owing’ the narcissist. I found that tough to get past. You will find the link LG, once you do, you can break it and that missing will stop. So keep looking. Keep reading, keep analysing and unpick it all. There’s a link in there somewhere.

          HG’s book Exorcism, really helped me. It got me thinking about things differently. If you haven’t read this, I really think it might help. You sound very similar to me, you are committed to the logic, but the missing part is starting to wear on you I think. Consider the book, it will start you thinking about things from a different angle. Xx

        2. A Victor says:

          Hi LG, I don’t know that we ever completely forget them but I know that for myself, I have to put thoughts of them out of my head because it can lead me to elevated ET.

          Also, I thought I would always love my ex also when I first arrived here, he’d been gone over 10 years and I still did. I almost didn’t want that to change actually. But now, learning just how fake it was, I have come to realize that what I loved was just air, nothing left to love. And I don’t miss it, letting go of that is helping me to move forward toward health and maybe someday a healthy relationship. But, it took several months and a lot of learning here, I only say that as my experience, not any expectation for anyone else.

          You are in a good place here, I hope you will stick around, your comments have been thought provoking also, thank you.

        3. Kiki says:

          LG , I am feeling the same way the last while.
          Please stay strong .
          I know it’s hard , your mind is playing tricks making things out to be even sweeter than they really were.
          This is what helps me .
          If he was so sweet and great why am I here on HGs blog about narcissists.
          We would not be here simple as that.
          We are addicted , and nostalgic thoughts are going to come and go .
          Some may be very powerful and hit you like a punch .
          Be prepared, stay strong , don’t give in ,

          Love Kiki ❤️

    3. Eliza says:

      LG, I went through this a long time ago and was lucky enough to bump into Mr. Right while regrouping from the breakup, BELIEVE ME when I say life without the weird roller coaster Narc is SO FAR AAND AWAY Better and More FUN and MORE FULFILLING !!! I URGE you to stop thinking of him in those romantic terms. Everything with a man who really loves you and who you love, wether it’s a conversation or sex. It’s WONDERFUL with the RIGHT one. They are out there ! A lid for every pot, but, you have to keep thinking logically. Even one or two dates with somebody who is NOT a Narc should get you on the right track. Plenty of Alpha males who are very successful- as well as- good husband and father material out there.

      1. LG says:

        Thank you Eliza. I really do need an alpha… but a nice one, not a sadistic abuser.

        1. Kiki says:

          LG , just for now I think it’s important you try and validate yourself.I too am single and yes it’s natural to long for a Mr Right an alpha to come along and sweep you off your feet .That’s ok acknowledge those feelings but don’t let them define you.
          Remember damage on some level has been caused by the Narc . This has to be healed first .Self validation is the powerful and we have to learn to validate ourselves.A man is not going to do it , always remember they can give it and take it away , self validation can never take from you .

          I hope this helps


        2. Eliza says:

          You will find him 💕 look for quiet and slightly reserved. Thats a winning combo when you meet somebody 👍slow to warm up is a good sign 👍

      2. MP says:

        You’re right Eliza! Life with a non narcissist is very fulfilling and also you know that your years together are for building more and more into your life, unlike with a narc where life is like building a sand castle where you can spend time and effort to make it as beautiful as you want but you can never know when the narc decides to destroy the sand castle and then it’s all gone.

    4. Fiddleress says:

      Hello LG,
      May I ask you how long your relationship with that man has been over? If it is less than a year, say (and depending on how long it lasted), then your still feeling that you are in love with him and that you will always miss him is normal, but I can assure you that it will pass. You may never forget him because abuse leaves deep marks, but you will come to think of him in a cool-headed, and possibly indifferent, manner.

      I know that what I am saying is the opposite of romantic, and I used to be a great believer in “I will always love that person no matter what/I will always miss them/I will always think of them”, because how can it all have been real (what we felt) if we stop feeling it, right? Wrong. It was real at the time, but we are all but human beings, and as such, we move on. I dare say that we may feel cheap and disappointed in ourselves when we realise that what we thought was undying love (for an abuser) has in fact vanished, and that all is left is a distant memory, tinged with vague and amused shame that we could fall for the manipulations.

      Wishing you lots of courage, LG. I know how hard it is, believe me – I was almost destroyed by my ‘relationship’ with the last narc. Almost. And I am far from destroyed now, a real phoenix from the flames, thanks to HG and my efforts to discipline myself and stick to what I learnt from him – and boy, was that tough – so you are in the right place here!.

      1. Truthseeker6157 says:

        Hey Fiddleress,

        How did the weekend go? Was thinking about you with fingers crossed! Xx

        1. Fiddleress says:

          Hi there TS, how’s it going?!
          I don’t know if I am the only one not getting all the notifications at the moment, but I sure am missing a few comments. I replied to yours about that weekend with my friend, on “Let’s Pretend” I think it was, but you may not have received the notification for it either. Not a problem (as far as I’m concerned), by the way!

          I had a great (but cold and rainy) weekend with my friend, I love that he speaks as much as I do! Still, we will remain just friends, I think. Yet he is absolutely lovely, and cooks for me (something I love men to do for me, haha!). It’s just that seeing him again unexpectedly in February was overwhelmingly moving and I wondered what I was feeling. It was around a moving event too (our mutual friend’s death), so it felt like a time warp in a way, like I was back to the early 2000’s as if no time had elapsed. Well, it has, but it is really fine. We are seeing each other again soon, in about two weeks’ time. I’ll let you know if I manage to interrogate him, hehe!

          The weather is getting warmer at long last here, and I can go hiking again at weekends with the curfew slowly being lifted (9pm till Wednesday, then 11pm till the end of the month…); I walked along the coast for 20 kms a week ago, and I think I have found the place where I want to live – I have found my little paradise, on the northern coast of Brittany. A village I discovered in 1992, had never forgotten but never gone back to for some reason. A few adjustments will need to be made, but it definitely is where I want to be!

          Great to ‘see’ you around – talking of which, it doesn’t look like I can travel to Britain this year either with the virus – what a bummer.

          Hope all is well with you, TS ! XX

          1. NarcAngel says:


            Just a note to let you know that you are not alone in missing notifications/comments. WordPress has gremlins.

          2. Asp Emp says:

            NA, yes, WP need to do some cleaning and bring in pest control !

          3. Fiddleress says:

            NarcAngel, ‘Gremlins’ made me chuckle. Will have to stop drinking water as I write comments, and turn to something stronger instead!

          4. Truthseeker6157 says:

            Hey Fiddleress,

            I didn’t see it! I just went back to Let’s Pretend though and read it. Me too, I’m not getting all of the notifications.

            I’m glad the weekend went well, I was thinking about you. You sound content with the outcome. People do change, that can be a shock sometimes. Or, maybe they don’t and we look back and remember the best parts about people, keep the best memories and expect the same person to walk through the door. A bit of both perhaps.

            ‘Friends’ is a great thing to have. In many ways, the male friends I have, ground me more than my female friends. Although, I have to confess, all my romantic partners started out as friends too! I seem to recall you being similar. I genuinely never intend it to go that way but over time, it seems to!

            I think you’ll enjoy just having some male company and rebuilding the friendship. No pressure and you can just enjoy spending time without wondering what was meant by this comment or that. Knowing he isn’t a narcissist allows you to enjoy it even more, you really can just relax now.

            I do wonder sometimes if we aren’t perhaps wired to expect that sudden rush of excitement. The grand attraction that an addiction to the narcissist creates. If that isn’t there, perhaps we assume ‘just friends’ when in actual fact those feelings of attraction just take longer to form with a non narcissist. This might be why my relationships begin as friends. I’m perhaps not recognising that there is a possibility of feelings developing at a slower pace. Something to ponder!

            I’m excited you have found the location you want to be in. That is huge. Being in the right place makes such a great difference to our feeling of well-being. It facilitates us being happy alone. Once we have mastered that I think it sets us on the right path for being happy with someone new.

            I know, I was looking at travel too! I don’t think we’ll get to go far this summer unfortunately. There’s always next Spring though! I quite fancy Brittany in sweaters! Haha! I’ve driven through Brittany, a long long time ago though. My boss gave me a credit card, stuck me on a plane and told me to drive the coast. I had never driven abroad before, that’s how long ago it was! I remember driving down country lanes in a green Peugeot 106 with a map on the seat next to me and Britney Spears playing on the radio haha! Very pretty part of the world, I loved it. Friendly people, I think Brittany is a perfect choice.

            Thank you, I’m doing well considering that it’s exam time! I’m exam phobic, I thought that was all over with. I hadn’t considered that I would be worse when it was my children taking exams instead of me. It sounds ridiculous I know, but the fear is real. First thing I think of when I wake up, last thing I think of before I go to bed. I’m wondering if HG could help me with it a little bit. It isn’t narcissism related but it’s kind of empath related and he does know how I’m put together. There might be some cross over in terms of coping strategies.

            The sun is out here finally! It has been perfect for the last week or so. I really needed some warmth, it has felt like the longest winter ever. I was so pale I was slowly starting to turn blue! I’m so glad you enjoyed your weekend Fiddleress and that you agreed to meet up again soon. He sounds like a good man, I think the friendship will be great for you both. Xx

          5. Fiddleress says:

            TS, I hope all goes well for your children’s exams! I don’t find it ridiculous, I was the same especially with my son taking his exams, mostly because he went through real anguish and panick attacks when he took them. My daughter just pretended she didn’t care, and I was more worried than her! I am sure that HG could help you with this if you ask him. Let us know how it went for the exams! And I am sure it will go well. What exams are they? GCSEs? ‘A’ levels (if that is still the right name)? Or end-of-term exams?

            Brittany in sweaters, absolutely! People know that when they come to this area, they need to bring their wellies and raincoats and warm clothes, haha! No wonder I felt at home in Scotland.
            I realise that I didn’t mention I am a Breton, and I live just outside the biggest city in Brittany, which is not so big in fact. The village that I love is 2 hours’ drive from me, and right on the coast. I can just imagine myself there in the rainy months (that’s most of the year), in a small windswept stone house, the wooden structure under the roof creaking in the storm. The walks along the coast in all weathers. Probably not this year, but I am going to start organising this. And I’m going there on holiday this summer!

            The most significant (for me) romantic relationships have been with narcissists, so things moved too quickly right from the start, unfortunately. Yet this is the best way to go about it, to take time. You are right that we probably feel that if there is no firework straight away, then we think “friends”, but who knows? The truth is, at the moment at least, I do not want to be in a romantic relationship. With anyone. I am really happy when I can see friends, am surrounded by them; friendship is of paramount importance to me. And yes, we have time and can take our time, with this particular friend. I agree that having male friends is fantastic, essential even; there have been times when I have missed that a lot. Although I have found that my friendships with females have always been more long-lasting and reliable, but that may have been up to ‘wrong’ choices on my part. Until now.

            (To finish: I am afraid I was insensitive when I grumbled about not being able to travel to Britain this year. Of course it is nothing compared to the hardships some people in the world have gone through with covid. I guess I was hoping the vaccine would make things better more quickly than it is doing. I just want to be able to see friends again – and don’t we all – including in Britain. But I will wait. I am just beginning to wonder whether it is ever going to be possible again…).

            Let’s keep each other up to date! XX

          6. Violetta says:

            I have two WordPress accounts (therefore two different Gravatars, if you’ve noticed the different violets). I actually opened up another email account when Daily Mail blocked my old email, then figured maybe I’d start getting WordPress notifications again if I tried the new email for a new account. I did…at first. Now I don’t get them anymore.

            Hey, at least I get to pick a posy.

          7. Asp Emp says:

            Hi Violetta, have you contacted WP directly? They may be able to sort it out for you, or at least advise you? They are a service provider and may have had similar ‘queries’ from other account holders. No harm in asking them 🙂

          8. Fiddleress says:

            Violetta, yes, I had noticed you has two Gravatars, both of which I really like, if only because purple is one of my favourite colours.
            I have changed my email address for WordPress and am now getting the notifications again.
            I am shocked to hear that Daily Mail blocked your email. Was that the British DM?

          9. Truthseeker6157 says:

            Hey Fiddleress,

            Haha your idea of home sounds perfect. Windswept, old, a roof that leaks in the storm, that tickled me. I love old houses. My house in Nottingham was built in 1802, old bay windows and window seats. The amount of heat lost through those windows in winter was ruthless! You could stand by them and feel the breeze haha! It was the house I had wanted to become the family house, that old fashioned idea that we would stay there and my grandchildren would visit me there. We stayed in it for under three years in the end. I still miss that house!

            I like the change of seasons. Since living in the US though I would like a longer summer, or at least I would like summer months to be hot. By the time winter rolls around again, I’m ready for those sweaters and boots.

            Yes, I got the impression that you are content being alone just now. I think that’s a good place to be. Open to the idea of a relationship but not feeling that you need to be in a relationship to feel happy. You sound relaxed about how life looks going forward and that is lovely to hear. Whatever happens with the friendship happens but remaining friends is fine too. You can’t lose from that standpoint. It’s healthy.

            Exams. Sam starts his two year GCSE course next year. Sophie starts hers the following year. So for Sam these exams ‘don’t matter’ yet. They will next year. Both are very relaxed, they don’t revise much, and as a result sit in the middle of the pack in a good school. Herein lies the problem. The fact they don’t revise much. I can’t remember ever doing a set of exams without driving myself into the ground. Hours and hours, never sure that I knew it no matter how much work I put in. I made myself ill at university because I didn’t think I had time to shop and cook. I lived off cereal for months. Long story and I know my perspective is completely out of balance. I underperform because I’m panicked and can’t think, I’m also exhausted by the time I sit an exam. So I don’t want this for my kids. I don’t know what normal is though, I don’t know what is a healthy way to approach it. Now that their exams are on the cusp of having importance, the fear of them failing is eating me up.

            It feels similar to high ET. I can feel the lack of control and I know my thought processes are not logical. I can’t correct it though. So it just builds on itself as the days pass by. It feels worse than me going through them because I have no control over it at all. I can’t revise for them although I often revise with them. Two sets of 9 subjects and I need to know it all so I can help them if they get stuck! I’m knackered! It’s not difficult it’s just workload, I never took Spanish, Sophie does Spanish so I am quietly learning Spanish. Haha! I’m reading this back, I read like a nutcase. I’ll leave it as is because I feel like a nutcase and it’s not even next year yet! The fear is real people, disturbed sleep, and worrying constantly. This is my Saviour kicking in, I have some Carrier too it might be more that actually.

            HG help me please! I have a Full Monty email consult would this work do you think? Do you even know what to do with me? Ha ha! Easy there tiger.

            Sorry for the rant Fiddleress! I didn’t think you sounded insensitive for wanting to travel. COVID has hit some families hard and stories we see coming out of India in particular I think have been particularly upsetting. We can’t apologise for being ok though and it’s normal for us all to want our lives back and to want to get back to doing things we enjoy.

            I will keep in touch xx

          10. HG Tudor says:

            An audio consultation would be of greater effectiveness for this issue.

          11. Truthseeker6157 says:


            Thank you, yes I can understand why audio would work better.
            How do you do the consult, via phone call? Skype?

          12. HG Tudor says:

            Details are to be found here

          13. Fiddleress says:

            Hi TS, I’ve just seen your message, but also seen that you have found the answer.
            Good on you that you will speak with HG. xx

          14. Truthseeker6157 says:


            Sorry, I should have checked. I thought it was just Skype somehow. Phone is better for me if out of the house in country bumpkin land.

            I’ll be in touch.

          15. HG Tudor says:

            Jolly good.

          16. Violetta says:


            I have commented on both US & UK DM articles, but my Meghan Markle posts contained a sufficient number of complaint-prompting references to Dr. Tran that they just banned me altogether.

          17. Truthseeker6157 says:


            Same here. Well, they haven’t banned me entirely yet, but let’s just say, most of my opinions don’t get through, or if they do, they don’t stay up for long!

          18. Truthseeker6157 says:


            Thank you. Sometimes there comes a point where you have to admit, “I’m out of my depth on this.” This would be one of those times. I’m not great at asking for help. At all. If I’m going to ask though, might as well ask a narcissistic psychopath. Go large. Why not? 😂

            Seriously though, I wouldn’t trust a therapist because the therapist doesn’t know what makes me tick. I actually think HG does, or, certainly more than a therapist would. That has to be an advantage. Xx

          19. Asp Emp says:

            TS, I am glad your are considering the consult with HG. He is the best ‘therapist’ around. Like you, I am also not good at reaching out and asking for help – stems from childhood experiences – hence my being too independent in real terms, having been here on this blog has helped me in this regard – to see that being too independent is not always a good thing. Anyway, go for it, ‘nothing to lose and everything to gain’. x

    5. Joa says:

      I never went through the hate phase. Enormous sadness – I felt it.

      My personal wound is of little importance to me. So he inflicted the wound through our baby, and it hurt a lot (but with time, you get used to the pain).

      I’ve also been madly in love for 17 years (including 13 years without contact), but I NEVER tell him that. He feels it but isn’t sure and he goes crazy.

      I give him positive and negative fuel (for me it is fuel too), and when he feels confident, I take it away and go about my life. Disappear. I ignore. I yawn.

      He throws and scores, runs away and comes back.

      And I admire him too. And he secretly admires me and hates me for it. I learn from him. But he also learns from me.

  8. Asp Emp says:

    “with that emotional thinking at a far lower level and with logic prevailing, any remaining desire to destroy (and often it has now faded with the diminution of emotional thinking) means that it will be deployed from a distance, with cool, hard calculation”.


    “deployed from a distance” via KTN blog.

    How do I feel about my past narcissists?

    Yes, I still hate mother but I don’t hold onto that emotion (not dwelling on it). The ‘vitriol’ I speak when I comment involving her on here, then I drop that emotion.

    Yes, I still do not forgive the other narcissists of my past. Again, I speak about them – for sharing purposes on here. I don’t hold onto the emotions for them – waste of my ‘energy’.

    The ‘compartment’ they are ‘compressed’ into the memory of my mind has been crushed like a car at a car scrappage yard.

    It was good to re-read this article and see it “with cool, hard calculation” and I feel satisfaction.

  9. Lola says:

    I sought to escape, not revenge. I sought to survive, while being stalked. I moved far far away, my narcissist followed. My son found photos of me on the narcissist computer, taken from outside my windows, while at the grocery store…my narcissist was desperate to look into my eyes, I would not allow it.

    1. lisk says:

      This is one of the reasons we should not allow our photos to be posted on work websites.

      I opt out of photos and out of zoom recordings. Work doesn’t like it but tough sh*t. I don’t really explain; I just say, “for personal reasons.”

      1. A Victor says:

        Wow, thank you for sharing that. I wouldn’t have thought of it.

        1. lisk says:

          You’re welcome!

          Note: I attend Zoom meetings but as soon as I see “Recording,” I cut myself off of video and also make sure my screen name includes my last name initial only. That way, if the meeting is posted publicly NarcX can’t really know that I am there.

          Am I paranoid? I don’t know. I don’t care.

          But once upon a time, I accidentally saw (accident on his part because he forgot to turn it off) his screensaver play photos of a bunch of different women’s headshots. I figured they were exes and mentioned it to him. He was so pissed off that I kept watching and didn’t turn the AppleTV back on!

          This made me think NarcX’s Gallery of Girls was creepier than I thought. Now I am *sure* of it after reading what HG says about the narcissist and social media and the computer and how the relationship is never really over for narcissist.

          I am sure NarcX collects photos before, during, and “after” any primary or secondary relationship.

          1. A Victor says:

            That is so creepy! I still can’t believe what they do sometimes! It sounds like you are wise to take precautions. Now I wonder what’s out there that I don’t know about!

      2. TheVimtoSlut says:


        Utterly agree with this. Its a gross intrusion of privacy.

        In my time I have willingly taken pictures of myself and made them public. That is one thing.

        Times change and I moved on. I’d said everything I needed too.

        Then one day, at an art instalation, the daughter of the organiser took a ‘reportage’ picture of me. Whilst I was talking to the organiser.

        Absolutely no beef with the lass. Just doing as she was told. Innocent.

        However, I did take the person squiring me there to oneside and said never AGAIN do that or allow it to be done to me. (They were very close friends, you see.)

        Always about positive, affirmative consent. Always.

        1. lisk says:

          BRAVA! ALWAYS!

    2. Asp Emp says:

      Lola, interesting point RE: photographing. Also creepy. And the fact technology has improved the facilities and use of cameras. This is one way a narcissist can obtain ‘fuel’ – by looking at the eyes, even on a photograph (or video). Thank you for sharing this insight.

    3. Anm says:

      Lola, I went through the stalking and picture taking as well.

  10. A Victor says:

    Is it typical for empaths to want revenge? Or is it just really strong for the ones who do?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Nearly all will want it in some form or other because they have been hurt. However, there is a world of difference between wanting it and becoming relentless focussed on doing so, the latter is not something which empaths engage in.

      1. A Victor says:

        Thank you.

      2. Violetta says:

        “becoming relentless focussed on doing so”v

        Back to Heathcliff….

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