The Narcissist Trilogy : The Wife
Narcissist: The Wife
I am Ashleigh Hovenier, the wife.
All of my life I have been controlled by other people, but it is only now that I have realised that this is the case. My parents have always told me what to do, be this, do not become that, go there, stay here, speak up, be quiet. Well, I say my parents, it is my mother mainly, she is the tour de force of the Hovenier household. My father is a weak man, he just goes along with what she wants, anything for a quiet life. She is the one who had the affairs, she is the one who would pack her bag and threaten to leave my father, my brother and me. Not that she cared. I was the one who was left to pick up the pieces, I had to look after my father and my brother as they fell apart. Weak, both of them. You see, I was controlled again, controlled by their weakness. My mother controlled me by bossing me around, I was controlled by the weakness of my father and brother, their learned helplessness which meant I was the one who always had to ride into battle on their behalf and save them.
I see now that when I finally was able to leave home and go to university, I just substituted one controller for another when Peter came along. I did not see it coming, I suppose nobody does do you, otherwise, well, if you did you would not go along with it. Oh, he was clever, he played the kind man, the concerned man, the supportive man. Pretending to nurse me when my problems came to the fore, problems my toxic mother embedded in me. I must have been so easy for him to pick up and mould into whatever he wanted of me. He promised me the world, and, in fairness, he did deliver, but there was a price to pay and one that I did not agree to. I was to be his trophy, his golden girl, his plaything which he paraded around so all of his cronies could worship at the altar of the great and wonderful Peter Hovenier. Little do his friends, colleagues and family know of the real Peter Hovenier but I do. I know what he does when the bedroom door is closed. I know what he does away from the eyes of observers. Sometimes subtle, sometimes not, but I accepted this price because look at what I had, a huge house, several holidays a year and I mean expensive holidays, wine collections, designer clothes, great cars and no money concerns. I had my heard turned by this and he made me grateful for what he provided and made me forget that I provided too. I have a good career, not that he ever supported me in it. Typical Peter. The Peter Hovenier Show starring Peter Hovenier with a supporting cast of hundreds but they naturally get no billing.
I do love Peter. I do. I know he has treated me badly, but we have been together for twenty years and that must mean something, yes? I know he loves me, how can he not, but if only he could keep the beast at bay and then we could be happy. That is all I have ever wanted, the happy ever after. I suppose it is too late for me, but I can ensure that Amelia gets that. That is her right. She is me, just like me. She looks like me, sounds like me, is nearly as clever as me and behaves just like me. Thank God and I do thank God, that I have managed to ensure she is like me and not like him. That is a blessing. Of course, it was inevitable she would turn out like me, because I am the one that has done everything for her.
What of Christopher? Oh yes, well he was Peter´s idea. He thought that another baby would bring us closer together, not that he knows much about closeness. He is so selfish to use a child for his own needs, but that is what Peter is all about. He uses people. He is well known for it and that is why I need to stop him using me. I am not his possession and it is only as of late I have realised that is what I am to him, a possession in a gilded cage, well no longer. I am doing what is right for me. I will no longer be controlled.
Even Ian controls me. I know he means well but he has become rather needy. Oh, he was marvellous when everything was going his way, but now that he has a fight on his hands because Peter wants me back, he starts to show his true colours. I do find that whining of his unattractive, spoils his other qualities you see. I think he needs the input of a therapist, seeing a psychologist has worked wonders for me, in just one session I have been able to see that I am the victim of so many people – my parents, Peter, the bosses at work, my brother and Ian too. They all want a piece of me and want me to themselves. In a way, I understand, after all, I am quite the prize and I think, as I look back, being treated as a prize made me blind to what these people were really doing. Controlling me.
They want to use me. They want me to be the thing they want me to be and I just went along with it. I did not see what was happening. I did not realise what they were doing, but now, well now, that light has come on hasn´t it and I can see clearly for the first time in my life. I have been the recipient of the ideas and desires of everybody else and I just fitted it, I gave them what they wanted, and I did so without complaint, without resistance and never did a thing for me. How on earth did I let this happen? That will be my mother, she made me like this, turned me into some compliant Robowoman, tried to make me the thing that she has always wanted to be, but could not be and my father, he just stood by and let her and then she roped in both him and my brother to keep me under control as an adult. The three of them working together to stop me being me.
What will I do? Well, it is rather all exciting isn´t it, finally the focus being me, rather than me doing everything for everybody else. Don´t tell anybody but it is rather edifying to be wanted by two men. My mother always accused me of being man mad, which is rich coming from a floozy like her. I cannot help it that people fall for me. I do not ask them to, it just happens. I draw people to me but then they want me all to themselves and they will not let me be me. They make it so I do not know who I am, they try to make me become what they want me to be. My parents wanted me to be a doctor, then an engineer, but never a banker. My brother wants me to be some kind of saint. Peter wanted me to be mother, support act, cook, whore and bottlewasher. My friends want me to be the life and soul of the party, the shining star, the entertainment and Ian wants me to be his damsel in distress that he rescues. None of them know me. None of them really know who I am.
Do you know who the narcissist is?
Read Narcissist : Seduction and Narcissist : Ensnared
Listen Narcissist : Seduction
Listen Narcissist: Ensnared
35 thoughts on “The Narcissist Trilogy : The Wife”
I can’t with the narrative voices 😆
Upper Mid Range Elite?
Try “FLACK” .
Real narc fest
This woman is clearly a narcissist. Everything is about her and everyone either did her wrong or failed her. She despises her brother for being weak in her opinion and she believes that he owes her and that she was the only strong person in their family.
She didn’t even have empathy for her son when she was describing him as a tool of her husband and she views her daughter as an extension of herself. Since I had kids I learned that parents cannot see their kids as their mini me’s even though sometimes people say our kids got some traits from us and we joke that the good traits are from us. The main mindset is that you see your kids as individual people and it just naturally occurs because that’s how it really is.
Hg..it is a subtle thing that people do not see unless they are the intimate partner of the narc is this the case . I have these dynamics in my family and my x’s family. People don’t always know the person that closely to see their interactions with other family & friends. Sometimes I wonder if it has to do with the primary relationship with a mother. If the child bonded or not. In a large family the mother doesn’t have time to bond with every child. The wife in this trilogy seems to be Narcissistic or have very high traits of narcissism
Reply by HG on August 11, 2019 at 13:48 on the Big Little Lies thread:
1. Normals are not addicted to narcissists and therefore are more likely to walk away from aberrant behaviour (sometimes during seduction and more usually during devaluation). They do not ´hang in there´either to fathom out, fix or fight.
2. Empaths are addicted. ET hijacks traits to cause them to remain trying to fathom out the situation, fix it or fight the protagonist. This also cross pollutes into engagement with other people who are not narcissists. The empath is not manipulative but can engage in less desirable behaviours driven by their particular traits.
Does this mean that Super Empaths are quite close to Normals, since Supers don’t invest as much into fixing etc, and if that is so does it move away from Normal as going from Super to Standard to Contagion to Codependent? How then can one be a CoD and also a Super, or really any combo that are not adjacent one another?
Well ,she also thinks everyone wants to control her. She blames all her choices on someone else , her parents , her mother , blames others for her choices . Her thinking her daughter is like her and not a completely different individual with a totally different life than herself . I see this dynamic with two sisters . One in particular . K …She doesn’t realize anything she does and says has a bearing on how she is treated . She feels everyone has ruined her life and is out to make her more responsible . Not . We have our own lives and we’re busy with our own issues . She continually complains how our 90 yr old father doesn’t tell her he loves her. So weird . She complains to me about this every time she’s been drinking mixed with whatever drugs she can find around our fathers home, which is where she lives now .
After years of Narcsite studying, I quickly understand that this is a narc specimen! The leeeeeengthy description of woe-is-me, and another clear giveaway:
The lack of practical details.
Everything is very abstract, symbolic, in this text. Where most of us understand that events in life cannot be described quite in a cliché manner.
I think she is the narcissist because her focus
Is on blaming others for her life/behaviours and narcissits always blame others.
Great to see this as an article on the blog, with the links to the different options of accessing this ‘trilogy’.
The way this trilogy has been created and put together offers a different way of learning about narcissism and those affected by being around narcissists.
This series, revealing the different characteristics, the behaviours and the thinking patterns of those with narcissism. How the narcissism causes the ensnarements, the machinations and the manipulations of the individuals who have it and victims who are attracted by their addiction to narcissists. How all this can be observed by those not directly, yet indirectly involved within the immediate and extended family, friends and third parties around the people in this story.
Very well executed and designed by the man who knows it all, through his own life-long experiences and his observations of other people. Kudos to you, HG
I agree!! I have really enjoyed this trilogy. I think in regards to narcissism I’ve experienced burnout and at times have stepped away from it all. Life is so short and i resent the fact I’ve become entangled in it all. I want to enjoy life and still learn. The series has been a enjoyable way of learning. I also like the other series was it Big lies? Can’t remember offhand.
Very thankful to HG for providing us with different forms of learning. I will definitely contribute with a donation!
Yes it was Big Little Lies. Thank you in advance for the donation.
You’re very welcome HG 🤗
C, thank you for your response. I understand exactly RE: “burnout”, not surprising. I agree, life is too short and I learned that the hard way.
RE: donation. That is really generous of you (and others who are also doing this). Your contribution will go a long way to helping others.
I didn’t realize there was already a thread here about the Big Little Lies show, it is one that has been recommended other places as a show about narcissism/narcissists. I have been considering watching a bit at least, to see if I can pick the narcissists out but I don’t typically enjoy dramas.
Hi A Victor…The Big Little Lies series was really good! I haven’t seen one of the seasons, but the one season i did watch i enjoyed.
Wow, this is freaky, some of this sounds like so much that I would say! Not everything, I don’t think my daughter is me, for example. And I think she is a narcissist! What it tells me it’s that the clues can be pretty subtle, especially in the mid rangers. I will be watching comments with interest, am I completely off base?
Oops, I don’t think my daughter is a narcissist, I think the Wife is.
Hi A Victor…I think for me the glaring signs were Ashleigh’s sense of entitlement to be late, never pay for anything, ask for whatever she wanted, dump every catastrophe on Wynne, get Wynne to be her flying monkey, always being late, gaslighting, rewriting what she had said, her lies. The list is so long! In the ensnarement series it is so obvious how messed up she is in regards to her drug use and addiction. I am also wondering about Wynne as he also snorts cocaine and is ok with her using as well. Anytime i see drug usage I think self medicating and from what? He has issues as well and I think this is why his marriage dissolved and he fell prey to Ashleigh. Her character is not a likable one in ny view.
Wow, many indicators. I will have to read again with these in mind, thank you!
I forgot to add Ashleigh is very conceited and thinks she’d gods gift to men. She slso feels entitled to triangulate Wynne to make him feel jealous and insecure. She constantly is disrespecting his boundaries.
I don’t know about her relationship having not listened or read the story yet. But I do appreciate this, I will pay attention to all of these things when I do. I have been enjoying the Wuthering Heights narration very much, that is more my preference with the historical aspect to it. And I did take a guess on the narcissist there, one anyway, but I think there could be more. I am going to need to make time for fiction I guess, haha, it has been on the backburner since I was in high school!
Hi A Victor…I love all the Bronte novels!! Most I’ve read, but it was so long ago i forget or i interpreted them differently when i had read them. Some of my favorites are Peesuasion, Emma, Sense And Sensability, Pride And Prejudice. Jsne Eyre was another along with Shakespeare novels. Some I read in highschool and a few on my own. Wuthering heights was in university in a dranatic literature course, which i enjoyed! We also read Death Of A Salesman and The Kite.
This is like reading Wuthering Heights having never read it before as it’s been a long time lol
I think what i love most about the Bronte writings are the atmosphere and time period. It’s like stepping back into a different world. Also the poetic way of the writing. Now to get my kiddos to read them 😆
Persuation oh my i need to proofread before i press send 😁
I have kids who have read many of those. I just struggle so much with fiction, even historical but now that I can learn something, practice honing my narc spotting skills, they are becoming more interesting to me. And I do like HG’s narration a lot but I still have to work to stay focused! My visual learning style is very strong. If I had the book in front of me and read along, that would be perfect, but I don’t have time. I do turn on the captions a lot, to stay focused, but again, time. It is very frustrating. My kids think I have ADHD.
AV, RE: “My kids think I have ADHD”. Interesting, that it came from your kids. You can find out for yourself – online self-tests (see if you can find out one without having to use your email address to obtain the results). These tests are never confirmed diagnosis, just an indication. If you wanted to follow it up further, you can. Then again, it’s down to personal choice. I am recalling what you said about your son’s ‘issues’ and his ‘coping strategies’.
Yes, I think I may have it as well. My neighbor does, has known for many years, and she has been helpful in directing us to some things that may help also. I will look at the online options, thank you! My son actually realized maybe a year ago that he believes he has it and once we were talking, we could see it in me also. So we are taking some steps, in conjunction with the other issues he’s having, to address this.
AV, so good to read your response. ADHD is more common than people are aware of it existing. In the UK, some people get support (social benefit) for the difficulties people with ADHD and / or Autism – to pay for someone to go out with them to the shops or something like that. I am not sure if there is anything like that in USA – that is the only beneficial reason to get a diagnosis. Anyway, good for you and your son that it’s already been discussed. That would also be useful to take with you both if and when you seek outside support for your son’s issues. It’s all coming together, AV. It’s just a different navigation route compared to others (ie non ADHD / Autism) when they arrive to KTN. At least, coming here has opened up more to rediscovering yourselves. It is so good to know x
Yes, well, I don’t need anyone to go to shops with me so don’t need an official diagnosis. The neighbor suggested a book that lays out the 7 different types with little quizzes for each and once you know your type, if any, you can learn behavior techniques to help keep you on track. And I don’t know for sure if I have it, it could also be that growing up in a LOC environment just left me with a bit of distractibility, or maybe it’s my personality. Who knows. But, I am interested enough to do a little investigation, especially if it will help my son also. It is good to be discovering myself, in many ways for the first time I think.
My kiddos have adhd yet do very well in school, but it hasn’t come naturally they really work for it!
I love HG’s narration such creativity and talent!! I do love audio books because i am super busy and i can listen as i go and workout or do whatever im doing. I slso watch movies on netflix this way i watch 10 min then come back to it lol I never sit for the whole movie 😆
I’m a history nut and love different time periods. The Georgian is a favorite. I think Wuthering Heights was 1700 to 1800s? I really enjoy the way of life and how people were. Also the architect of the homes etc. The writings too. Thr Bronte sisters work are a favorite. I was talking to someone from Ireland that told me they lived near their childhood home and they’d had a brother as well who i think was a writer.
I look forward to reading your posts 🤗
My son and I both did well in school, easily, it was fun to learn! That has been one reason I have questioned this. For both he and I it has become more of an issue with regard to the focus as we’ve gotten older. I noticed it in my mid 20’s, he a couple of years ago, probably 15 or 16. We do have a few differences in how it presents also, I hope we can learn something from the book my neighbor recommended. Or online as Asp Emp suggested.
I watch movies on Hulu, Netflix etc because I often fall asleep and have to finish them at a later time. Lol! It has always been a struggle, I lay down and I’m out. It can even happen in a sitting position sometimes!
I love the different time periods also! Everything about them! Yes, Wuthering Heights was based roughly from 1750 – early 1800’s, I think. It was a beautiful time I think, a time I would’ve liked to live in. I could probably not pick a favorite, too many. Maybe some that would be certainly not favorites but not even off the top of my head. I enjoy writing that was contemporary at the time it was written the most, as opposed to a time period researched later and then written about, as well as autobiographical or possibly biographical by a family member or close friend. Haha, it is something similar to the rating system HG gives regarding fuel in his book Fuel. I am also a huge fan of museums of all kinds. That is very cool about the Bronte sisters, and brother.
Thank you, I look forward to your posts as well! I have enjoyed your comments about the Ensnared series very much!
Hi A Victor…I have so enjoyed the narcissiat series and am almost finished the ensnarement episodes possibly by today. I hope the story continues on lol I hate when series end 😆
I think adhd is a spectrum and like you said varies from person to person. My two kids im so proud of!! Theyve worked their butts off this year and have done very well! It hasn’t been an easy year with this pandemic.
I was giggling over your comment about falling asleep during movies lol I do the same! Maybe thats another reason i watch for short time periods. The narc always says he’s surprised because he has to sit the whole duration and can’t watch from a phone or tablet. He has all the time in the world to sit down and watch a full movie, whereas i have snippets of free time.
Another great app for movies is Tubi. Mostly older ones and some not so good, but i like it because you can find movies you can’t find on Netflix. It’s free which is a nice bonus!
Hi Chihuahuamum, isn’t it sad when a great movie or book etc ends! I have almost cried over this in the past, one more reason I think I avoid certain things now. Silly but true.
I took one of the online tests for ADHD last night and got I ‘may’ have it. I think that is fitting, I can see certain elements that affect me but not full blown. I expect the same type of result for my son. So I am going to pursue some behavioral techniques to help me focus better etc regardless, it can’t hurt.
It is so good to be proud of our children! It is good for them and for us! Glad for all of you and it is especially nice when you both know it hasn’t been easy and yet they have come through successfully! Very exciting!
My son and I watched Face Off last night, he was largely unimpressed. I slept through half of it. But I had seen it years ago and remembered it to be quite good. And I saw the important parts again. He gets to pick the next movie we watch, lol!
Narcs have a hard time sitting still I think. Mine had to literally zoom in on movies and such, he would sit forward in his chair at the theater, I always found that odd. It was before the time of cell phones so there wasn’t that distraction for him. He also did this during football games etc. And he wanted me to sit there too but in a house full of kids, no chance, not for 3-4 hours. I always felt bad about this.
I will check out Tubi, thanks!
Hi A Victor…One series i love is Poldark(current version) and it did end, but that was because they followed the original novels. It was so well done!! The characters were so interesting. The actors did a phenomenal job portraying them.
With adhd i give the kids cod liver oil, zinc, vit d3 and they internittent fast daily and i try to do keto but they love their sugar and carbs. It does help to limit the sugar and carbs. I dont have them on meds yet, but we will see as they do moving into the higher grades and post secondary.
I’ve not seen face off. I like historical dramas, psychological thrillers and documentaries.
As far as narcs and not staying still. I wonder at times if the narc is maybe highly narcissistic and not a full fledged narc because some traits don’t fit with him. He can stay put and focus.
Thank you for those practical tips! I will get going on those! I love psychological thrillers! And action flicks but Face Off actually got a bit long. Documentaries are okay if the subject interests me. I love nature stuff too. Have you put your narcthrough an NDC? I did and was surprised he came back as one.
Hi A Victor…No i haven’t put him through the NDC. I trust in the results Id get, butit wouldn’t make a difference. What has is understanding the tactics and why that has help immensely! I’m very grateful to HG and the knowledge i’ve gained here along with the people i’ve met 🤗