Don’t Fail Me

I have exacting standards. It is important to do so in order to achieve success and make my mark on the world. Owing to this, I hate being let down. If you tell me that we are meeting for lunch at 1pm then I expect you there at 1pm. Punctuality is the politeness of kings. If you are late you are telling me that you do not value my time. That is unacceptable. If you explain that you can deliver the product I want, the way I want it and in the colour I have chosen, I expect you to adhere to that. I am not interested in excuses. I will exert my influence as far as I can to ensure that what I have been promised is provided. I will cajole, coerce, persuade and harass to ensure the outcome is as was confirmed to me. Hotels, restaurants, shops, online providers, sporting venues, bars, people, products – all of them have been subjected to my precision and desire for high standards. I provide excellence in my profession (of course aided by a legion of underlings but it is at my direction). Nobody likes to things to be wrong do they? Nobody wants a blue car when they asked for black. Nobody wants the wrong name or age on their birthday cake. I am sure I am not alone in my desire to achieve error-free services, goods and people. That is a laudable sentiment. Should I fail to deliver on my promises then it will be because I have been let down first. I have an aversion to disappointment and my failing can only arise as a consequence of the neglect and negligence of another. Each and every day I strive to ensure that I am not left flailing in the wind, as dejection cuts through me as a consequence of having been let down. It cannot happen again. Where does this demand for delivery and high standards come from? It comes from my dread and fear of being let down. I cannot stand it. It breaks me in two and rips open a wound that has never properly healed. Being let down undermines me, makes me feel unwanted, unnoticed and unappreciated. All things which are anathema to me. He let me down all those years ago. I relied on him. Well, we relied on one another. It was, or at least it was as I thought, an unbreakable bond. I looked to him and admired how he carried on, when all hope seemed to have gone. The towering waves of misfortune and misery would crash against him but he was always unbroken and unbowed. He said that he would always look after me. He told me that he would protect me against those slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. I knew the world was a dangerous place, a cruel domain which showed no mercy and took no prisoners. I had seen with my own eyes what this place had done and could do. I was under no illusion as to the harshness of the vagaries of treading along the mortal path. He listened to my hopes and fears and he understood them like no other. He made me feels safe and wanted. I hung on his every word, mimicked what he did and pledged my unswerving loyalty. He accepted my fealty with open, gracious arms and I fell into them, safe in the knowledge that nothing could tear us apart. He promised me that, “I will never let you down.” I still hear his voice saying those words. But he did. He left. He let me down. To understand more of what this means and in particular to use it to decipher clues about HG Tudor, access this Knowing HG 1-3

2 thoughts on “Don’t Fail Me

  1. laughing tyger says:

    II wil try to make things right. With everything I have. GEN X


    That’s what I have. It’s on

  2. Asp Emp says:

    I re-read my previous comments on this article. Yes, I am ‘reminded’ of what I shared in relation to the loss of my father. How do I feel now? A bit sad, not as deep as the ‘wound’ I had felt all these years, I suppose in my ‘writings’ (and the learning) on KTN blog has ‘removed’ the psychological ‘crap’ as a result of narcissism and it’s affects.

    I needed this type of ‘therapy’. To learn all I needed to understand about narcissism, my past and my “future” (between since my father died and up until this last year) – when I say “future”, the one I never had with my father. This is the first time I have said it because it was not something I had considered that maybe it was part of what I had ‘harboured’ all these years. I needed to find a way of ‘releasing’ this pain and I have done that by being here on KTN. It certainly was not easy.

    For so many years I found it difficult to sit and really think about my father because I found it too painful. But now, it does not hurt as much. Ok, it may have taken nearly my whole life to ‘let it go’. It has been hell of a long, long time coming.

    Re-reading this article again.

    “I am sure I am not alone in my desire to achieve error-free services, goods and people” – you are not alone on this. A prime example, some idiot spent one and a half days installing a work-top in a very small kitchen – I damn well knew someone else could easily achieve the whole job within half a day, yes, half a day. Thank fk I was not paying him by the hour! He said something about coming back later in the week to complete putting the edging, my response? Or I should say ‘reaction’. LOL. Boom! “No! You will finish the job NOW!” (with much Fk this, Fk that on my part, was I pissed off? Yes, very). Took him less than (FFS), another hour. Job done.

    There is a very big difference, in fact it goes without saying really – being let down by a so-called-contractor, compared to opening up to someone, someone who you assume that would never hurt you in any way, never betray you, is loyal to you – you give them your heart, your deepest thoughts and then. They let you down.

    There is also a very big difference when it comes to having a major loss as a child and experiencing narcissistic abuse, compared to having just narcissistic abuse as a child. This, in my view, may be a factor (or, at least a consideration) when it comes to understanding other’s experiences when they were children and becoming, either ACONs, or narcissists.

    I wonder if this article and ‘Forever Wrong Upon The Throne’ are linked by the same experience of the ‘loss’ as a child.

    Thank you for re-posting this article, HG. It was good to read it again and see (and also feel) it slightly differently from the first few times I read it. Much appreciated, HG.

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