´Til Death Do Us Disengage



The word ‘discard’ is well-known in the lexicon of the narcissistic world.  Disengage is actually accurate, but I shall use discard here purely for the sake of familiarity.

It forms one of the four cornerstones of the narcissistic embrace. This embrace applies to nearly all appliances and is most common with the Intimate Partner Primary Source. The seduction, the devaluation, the discard (disengage) and the hoover. Discard (disengage) brings with it a sense of finality. The impression that we have extracted everything we can from you and that we are finally done with you. You have served your purpose and we no longer have any use for you. I do not think discard is an accurate description. We certainly toss you aside with no concern for your well-being or emotional state. We suddenly stop communicating with you. You cannot contact us as we vanish, walking off the face of the earth. If you receive some kind of half-baked explanation, then you ought to consider yourself as lucky to receive even that. We are, however, never done with you. The discard as such is a temporary cessation to the dance that you and I engage in.

I have written elsewhere of the main reasons why we discard (disengage) and chief among them is the fact that we have acquired a new toy. You are old, stale and no fun anymore so you are left at the bottom of the toy box as we become infatuated with our new shiny and glittering toy. Of course your discard is not permanent. Once I selected you, you had a role to fulfil for the rest of your life when it comes to me. You have no choice, so far as I am concerned, in respect of this role. I assigned it to you and I regard you as obligated to carry it out forever. I may decide that I require you again for the purposes of triangulation. I may want the new primary source to pump out even more positive fuel because they feel threatened by your re-appearance. Like some corpse, we resurrect you in order to unnerve the new primary source. We will hoover you and tempt you with the prospect of winning our favour once again. When we triangulate you in this fashion you can rest assured that what is being said to you will have been  said in a similar way to the new primary source. We may comment to you: –

“She is just someone to pass the time with, she is nowhere near as special as you are to me.”

Around the same time, we will be telling your replacement primary source,

“Don’t worry about her. She cannot let go. I am not surprised really because I did so much for her, but it is you I want, you are so special, far more than she ever was.”

You are spurred on by such encouragement and double your efforts to please me in the hope of winning me back. The replacement is spurred on by such encouragement and she doubles her efforts to keep me and ensure you prove to be no temptation to me.

We will bring you back if the new prospect turns out to be less effective than we thought. We decide that they need to be consigned to the scrap heap quicker than usual and therefore we will turn to that person we know. You. We know all about you and how you will react and therefore it is far easier to return to you and hoover you than seek someone new again. This has the added benefit that the passage of time will have allowed you to recover from our abuse but also the longing that we imbue in you, when we discard, will continue to gnaw away at you and thus when we decide we have ended the “discard” you are easy to hoover.

We may be utterly delighted with your replacement but decide we will end the “discard” in order to punish you further. At this stage we have no interest in engaging in a romantic and intimate relationship with you again. Your replacement serves that role most effectively. No, we want to punish you. We will hoover you in an unpleasant and savage way, smearing you and parading your replacement around to all and sundry and explaining how wonderful it is to be with someone who truly understands us, loves us and is not abusive as you were.

We may toss you aside and come nowhere near you for weeks, months and even years. We know that the nature of this “discard” is such that no matter how hard you try; you remain vulnerable to being sucked back in. This is because you have not been able to cope with the ever presence we created and your frequent reminders of the golden period. It is also because you want answers, finality and understanding and because we flounced off the face of the earth, you did not get those things and the desire to receive them remains strong even years later.

We do not truly discard you. We push you to one side but you serve many purposes afterwards. You recover so your fuel provision increases again, you are the provider of both positive and negative fuel, dependent on how we hoover you. You are needed for the triangulations we wish to deploy. This cycle of picking you up and putting you down again, as and when suits us, is one that will go on and on until such time as you decide to break the pattern of “discards” and escape instead. Of course when you try to escape us we do not regard this as ending our binding arrangement. You are mis-guided, perhaps listening to the biased voices of others which is affecting your judgement. You, in our minds, do not get to choose when the arrangement ends. All the way through our lives, we will use you and then push you to one side before coming back again at some future point. If you allow us the means of contact by drifting into our sphere of influence again then we will hoover you, because the opportunity is too good to pass up. You are then drawn in, the cycle commences once more and a further “discard” will happen. You can see by the repeated nature of this process that there is no real discard, only a temporary cessation to our entanglement, but one tendril always remains wrapped around, continuing the connection so that we can draw you back in at our choice.

Even if you take steps whereby you expose us for what we are or reveal us to other people who accept what you say, we will withdraw to lick our wounds but this discard is temporary also. We still want your fuel and we want it badly. We also have a desire for revenge. We may not resume matters in a benign method when this happens and instead opt for the malign approach in order to extract fuel, but the entanglement will begin again at some future point.

We put you down but you can always be picked up again. Rest assured that this will happen repeatedly and even if you think the nature of the discard was so harsh, so savage and seemed so final, it was not. We will return, if able and do it all again.

The only true disengagement of our toxic entanglement is when you die. Only then is there finality.

15 thoughts on “´Til Death Do Us Disengage

  1. Joa says:

    Eh, translator, poor translations …

    It was supposed to be:

    On the birth certificate – not in the newspaper.

    As if he had already sealed me – not possessed.

    Seal. Property.

  2. Joa says:

    And instead of “possessed” it was “sealed”.

    Stamp. Property.

    1. Asp Emp says:

      Joa, I understood your initial comment on this – the word ‘stamp’ is somewhat appropriate (possibly from the narcissistic perspective). I am sure there are some other people who would have more or less used the same word. A birth certificate has a ‘stamp’ in any case 🙂

  3. Joa says:

    Eh, translator … It wasn’t about the newspaper, it was about the birth certificate.

    He translated the paper into a newspaper 😀

  4. Joa says:

    For many years I have been wondering why he did that … Now I know and understand.

    When I got pregnant, we were at the top of our relationship. Full of happiness, although black streaks have already started to appear, which I, of course, underestimated.

    The change in his attitude after conception was radical. As if he already “possessed” me. More and more disappeared, silence, phone changes, moving without giving a new address, when the euphoria returned, compounded by pregnancy hormones. Three months before his delivery, he was gone for good.

    He was gone. He wasn’t interested. My hurt pride. Shattered feelings (for him I turned my life upside down, gave up my 11-year relationship, gave up everything and everyone, there was only him). In summary, he did not appear in the papers as the father. I figured it would be better this way. He was not physically there. Alone pregnant, alone in childbirth. Alone. Alone. Alone.

    He appeared 9 days after the delivery in the hospital (we had to stay longer). Soon he asked if he could come back to us. He spoke so beautifully about his daughter, about us … He presented visions so beautifully … I forgave everything. Full of happiness again, he moved to me, we were starting to arrange our lives. But he was leaving. A lot. Increasingly. The wall between us gets higher and higher. When he was, as if he wasn’t there. No help with the baby. Even in sex, mentally absent.
    Me with the child, me to the nursery, me to work. He is a revelatory and fun life.
    Good dad to people.

    After a while, more of him was gone than he was. Everything else was more important. The daughter was almost a year old. And suddenly he began to care about regulating formal matters. We did it, he became her father on paper as well. I thought then that it was some kind of breakthrough, that he would take care of himself, that he decided which way to go.
    Meanwhile, he came home several more times. Including for a daughter’s birthday party – 3 hours after the end of the birthday party, the daughter was asleep!
    And it’s gone for good. He never saw or cared for his baby again. Almost 15 years have passed since then …

    For many years I couldn’t understand it, why would someone want to write that he is a father in the papers and then disappears? For what?

    Now I know – “stamp”.

    1. WhoCares says:


      “He presented visions so beautifully”

      They definitely do this. The operative word is “presented.”

      I am sorry you went through so much of that alone. And glad you are now able to make some sense out of all of it.
      That’s what we finally get here: clarity.

      1. Joa says:

        E, I have a great, stubborn, mean, nasty daughter, ha ha ha (teenager, difficult period), whom I love madly, although sometimes she could use some shock 🙂

        He wrote beautifully. I have all the letters, a lot of text messages (there were no smartphones, but I typed them into my notebook). Especially those concerning our daughter are wonderful, tender and warm. It is hard to believe that a person can write like this, who does not feel it for a moment or a second. With such sensitivity. Amazing.

        I’ll never throw it away. This is MINE. And only MINE. And even that boor who is just hoovering me, not even himself, is able to taint and destroy it. Ha ha ha, his illusion is stronger than himself !!! His illusion, coupled with my illusion, became my life force.

        It’s all water over the dam. It was a great love. I have no regrets.

        And it’s nice that me hoovering after so many years 🙂

        It is a pity that he can not even be a “jumpy” father. I feel sad here. It is a pity that it is so difficult for him to just get to know her, without shifting wines, slandering, going for a pizza, to the cinema, to a concert, anywhere and to spend a nice and fun day. I could create a relaxed atmosphere, hide all evil in my pocket – for her.

        But my daughter has a cool, freaky mother who must be enough for her. Nobody has everything in life. Even a narcissist 🙂

      2. Another Cat says:

        off topic,
        but thinking of you and @NarcAngel in this heat, which is seen on the news. Hoping that you and your loved ones get lots of shades and cooling waters.

  5. Joa says:

    I must have read 10 times to get it buried in my brain. I can only sigh.

    I need to calm down. Find humor. I lost my distance, it’s bad. He felt it right away and he triumphs.

    Screwed up 🙂

  6. Asp Emp says:

    Guess what? I had typed up my comment on this “recycled” article before the article was posted….. why? I knew – the CLUES are obvious. LOL. Ok, here it goes…..having re-read my previous comments on it – interesting to re-read the one about “hoarding”……I reckon my mentioning ‘hoarding’ previously can be indirectly linked and similar to ‘character acquisition’. Not the same, yet, eerily similar. Different concept, similar “activity” that narcissists AND fkd up empaths do……..

    “Til Death Do Us Disengage”……. Right, ok….hmmm….

    Not in the case of ‘weaponised’ empaths. Not if they have embraced the knowledge about narcissism and understood how to recognise the influences of it infiltrating their ‘addiction’. It takes time, but eventually, someone “wises up”. All it takes is a few damning words.

    I have not been an “IPPS” since January 2016. I am proud of that. I may have been an “NIPS” since, and that is something I should and will remain to hold onto.

    It is a matter of the empath breaking the chains / severing the bonds to the people that are ‘damaging’ to the empath’s overall mental and emotional ‘weaknesses’. An experienced and pre-damaged empath with the additional knowledge they have gained about narcissism can do the 180 degrees, bring up their ‘wall of protection’ and walk away from a situation that is not in their benefit (ie more damage rather than good for the empath).

    Since I never had an EDC / TDC done, I still do not know what I really am. Maybe I am actually a narcissist that is aware of narcissism and it’s affects. Maybe I am a narcissist with feelings! Haha. Fkg hilarious!! Either way, I have gained enough knowledge to know about narcissism. I have never been in denial about me. I have had no reason to lie about anything. I have had no reason to ‘hide’ anything. What I do know, is that my own ‘Prime Aims’ need to be reviewed and renewed. I am always ‘reviewing’ them. I move ‘the goal posts’, when I am faced with decisions and non-beneficial “circumstances”. I know who is part of them and who is not. It does mean that I will be moving to a new area where I am not known to narcissists and with that ‘power’ I have within me, I can ‘preserve’ myself and build on that. That is the empowerment I was able to achieve. I have had to “rely” on myself all these years and I will continue to do so. That is the best I can do. For myself.

    The addiction to narcissism will not win. It will not ‘consume’ me as it did in the past. I have learned. The hard way. A very hard lesson learned indeed.

    As a narcissist can “disengage”, whether aware or not of their narcissism, a weaponised empath can also “disengage”. Long before ‘death’.

    Now, if you will excuse me, I have “things” to do and to plan….. ahead.

    1. karmicoverload says:

      ASP EMP, how did you do it?

      1. Asp Emp says:

        K, can you please clarify further by “how did I do it?” – do what? 🙂

        1. karmicoverload says:

          Sorry Asp Emp, I just re-read your comment and I have no idea what I was referring to…I was switching between articles, so it may have been a question meant for another post, either that, or I have just gone mad. Either is possible! 😂

    2. BC30 says:

      Not in the case of ‘weaponised’ empaths. Not if they have embraced the knowledge about narcissism and understood how to recognise the influences of it infiltrating their ‘addiction’. >>> Word.

      1. Asp Emp says:

        BC30, thank you 🙂

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