Ghosts
Whether you believe in ghosts or not, we certainly behave with certain similar attributes. We appear out of thin air. It is similar to how you can never remember the beginning of a dream can you? You cannot remember quite how we appeared. We just did. We seemed to coalesce into your life with the ease of a ghost walking through a wall. We arrive and ghost into your life.
In the same way as seeing a ghost, when you experience us, it is not an event that you will forget in a hurry. We sidle up to you, insert ourselves into your lives and make connection after connection with you as we feed from you. Like some wraith we attach ourselves to you and steadily begin to suck the life force from you as we gorge on the fuel that you provide.
Often we will vanish just as we arrived, without any warning or announcement and try as you might you cannot find us again. It is as if we have disappeared off the face of the earth. Naturally we chose the moment of our vanishing act without any concern for its effect on you. We slip away like a mist evaporating. Once we were everywhere, woven around you and captivating you. Much in the same way as one might be transfixed by the appearance of some spirit. You are entranced by our appearance, there is something ethereal and mysterious about us that causes you to be drawn to us and then we are gone.
We are that elusive spirit that can now not be found. You might go to the same place where we first manifested but there is no sign of us. We have left no footprint, no trace of our existence when you try and seek us out, just like our spectral cousins and then suddenly we have returned. We ghost back into your life and continuing our haunting of you. We are incessant and ever present, drifting about you as we resume our extraction of fuel. We resume our draining of your spirit, leeching it from you as our cold, dead hands take hold of you once again.
People have many theories as to what ghosts are if they indeed exist. Some suggest that where there has been a sudden explosion of emotion, a heightened experience, then an imprint has been made on the fabric of existence. This imprint appears to those who are attuned to seeing it. That imprint is seen doing the same thing over and over again. It walks the same route, passes through the same wall and then vanishes only to appear the next night in the same place. The spirit follows the same routine like a piece of video film stuck in an endless loop. Just like such a ghost we engage in the same behaviours over and over again.
The same actions all designed to haunt you as we extract our fuel. The same gestures, the same actions all of which must be replayed. Some believe that a ghost is the soul of someone who has suffered eternal damnation. He or she has been denied entry to heaven or hell and instead has been consigned to walk the earth for eternity, stuck in an unceasing routine. Our endless quest for fuel finds us in such a similar position. We must make our way through life, restless and never finding peace. We move from place to place, unable to rest and be satisfied. Instead we are driven onwards, plagued by the curse of our need for fuel. Thus we must haunt others, our appearance bringing dread and fear in the same way as terror follows the appearance of a spectre.
Unable to quite fit in we are ghost at the feast. Even when we have vanished there is a lingering coldness that strikes you to your core. You still sense us, able to feel the effect of our chilling appearance. You are wary and anxious as you know we will appear once again. Quite when is a mystery but as we first arrived and as we first disappeared we will ghost into your life and continue our haunting of you.
Better consult that exorcist.
24 thoughts on “Ghosts”
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I am going to take this article out of context…..
Because of HG and his work, I can now “lay the ghosts of my past to rest”.
Thank you, HG xx
HG,
I appreciate every shred of content that I’ve read, or listened to, of yours. It is thoroughly insightful. An absolute must for those who want to gain a better, deeper, understanding of narcissism. Who better to instruct them than the Ultra himself?
My partner discovered this website a few years ago, and unbeknownst to me, he had diagnosed me as being narcissistic. 2 years ago, he began treating me as though I were an animal, telling me things like “You can’t control yourself”, “You’re being an asshole, you’re belittling me and calling me names,” and would often ramble on about how wretched of a human being I am. This has historically happened after I have made attempts at having a conversation with him about how I feel as a result of having very little interaction with him throughout most days. He tends to spend a significant amount of time playing video games on his PC or his phone, over the last 6 years it has left me feeling like he wasn’t being respectful or considerate of my emotional needs. He asked me to treat him kindly and lovingly, I expected the same, though what I received was the cold shoulder and a sense that I’d been rejected. As a person with AVPD, it’s been difficult, to say the least. The more I would talk about being hurt and explain how I was struggling with feeling rejected and like I was a piece of trash to him, the worse I would feel.
I was soon confused by this, I didn’t know why when I would bring up that he wasn’t meeting my basic needs, he would tell me that it was my fault he wasn’t telling me he loved me or acknowledging me, it was my fault because I had offended him somehow, and I was an asshole who was controlling and horrible and an overall human trash can.
He would walk away from me when I spoke, refuse to listen to me, would say I was bitching all of the time, accused me of gaslighting him, told his family that I am a narcissist and am abusive to him while he’s being physically violent towards me (I have two broken ribs at the moment), and after he’s been arrested for domestic violence (he broke my 12 yr old daughters fingers trying to snatch her IPhone from her after locking me outside in the cold 2 days before Christmas)and has told by law enforcement that he can’t keep calling them (to date 37 times in less the a year) whenever he feels like I’m harassing him because he doesn’t like to hear me talk about how unhappy I’ve been.
I thought that he was trying to figure out if he had a personality disorder when he mentioned this site a few years ago and he told me he needed to get an experts opinion and that I would cost about $100, so I paid for it and he waited a few days to hear back. The response he received, I don’t know what it was, but I suspect he wasn’t asking about himself, but rather about me.
My existence has been hell. I’ve been beaten, my bones broken, my daughters finger broken, I’ve been traumatized and am fairly certain that my therapist is correct when she says that she thinks I am a victim of narcissistic abuse.
Is it possible that I’m a narcissist wearing the clothes of someone who has avoidant personality disorder or is my partner of 10 years just an manipulative and abusive piece of $hit?
It is highly unlikely you are a narcissist.
Your partner is abusing you and is likely to be a narcissist. I recommend you put him through the Narc Detector to know for certain and if he is, which type.
HG,
Thank you for taking the time to respond to my comment, I know that you are likely very busy, and I appreciate the response.
It’s validating to hear that. I actually almost cried, I have gotten used to being dismissed… thank you.
May I email you? I’d like to get a better understanding of what the Narc detector is and provide more context as far as what…I actually don’t know how to describe it, I remember things that he says are delusions or never happened, so I’m always questioning myself before I say something because I don’t know if what I remember happened or not. I don’t want to say something that’s not true.
I’m sorry that my comment is disorganized. I’ve been having a difficult time communicating with other people. Constant state of confusion and knowing it’s not normal that I feel so confused about everything.
Again, thank you for responding and thank you for all of the insight that you’ve shared. It’s priceless, to say the least.
~Melissa
Please see the link for the Narc Detector which describes what it is and the process. If you have any questions after that, do email me.
SignificantlyInsignificant:
It’s a questionnaire. If any of the questions do not apply to your situation, leave them blank and save your word limit for the open comments at the end. I was dealing with a work narc (confirmed by the NDC), not a romantic relationship, so I gave relevant details on that.
The relief of having HG not only identify the individual but also point out patterns in seemingly random incidents is indescribable. I couldn’t save my job, but at least I knew what I was dealing with.
Oddly, since the NDC, toxic individuals from my childhood bother me much less than they used to. I used to fantasize about “knowing then what I know now”–recording my teachers as they broke state, federal, and divine laws on a daily basis, in addition to showing incompetence in multiple subjects. I know now that even if I’d managed to smuggle in a recording device without having it discovered and confiscated (they were larger then), then penalized by my parents (a sibling share, so not entirely mine to lose or break), make enough copies to distribute among other parents, hoping they had compatible listening devices–the administration would have done nothing, or found more ways to discredit me as the “problem child,” and cover for their staff, even if they let their contracts run out without renewal later. They might know the staff was unfit, just as our director knew my co-worker was unfit–she dropped enough comments to make that clear–but they’re damned if they’ll have me or anyone else make that decisionfor them. I can at last absolve my childhood self from any “if only I hads” because the energy it takes to blow the whistle on some of these motherfuckers depletes what’s needed to survive and get out.
Hi, Significantly Insignificant,
Your current circumstances sound horrendous, and also like you are in a very abusive situation. This is obviously not good for you or your daughter. What was the outcome of your abuser’s arrest after he broke your daughter’s fingers? Surely that type of assault cannot be dismissed and is deserving of some consequence. And also the option of a restraining order against him. You appear to be very vulnerable, unable to protect yourself or your daughter. Medical records should be ample evidence of what he has put you through to make whatever arrangements you need to make to leave and gain the supports to do so, or to make sure he can never come near you again. From my perspective, the fact of whether he is a narcissist or not is the least of your worries. He is an out and out piece of trash who broke a 12yr old girl’s fingers and she is the one who deserves your attention and protection. This POS deserves to go to jail. If that in any way bolsters your self esteem – in knowing you are not the narcissist – then I hope it also encourages you to think about removing yourself from such detrimental circumstances. I’m very glad you decided to seek HGs advice.
SI:
If this guy has you convinced you are too “insignificant” to deserve better, then ask yourself what your daughter has done to deserve having her finger broken and witnessing her mother being repeatedly injured and degraded. What sort of relationships will she be likely to have as an adult?
Consult HG and do whatever he says. Don’t worry if you have some narcissistic traits; pretty much everybody has some, and that’s not the same as being an out-and-out narcissist. Even if you were the narciest person on earth, what gives your partner the authority to decide who deserves broken ribs and broken fingers? Who died and made him Judge Jeffreys?
SI, I was appalled when I read your story. To read what you and your daughter have been through because of the abuse you both have endured by this abuser. It is good that you are now accessing this site & HG’s assistance to empower yourself, protect yourself and your daughter from further harm. Thank you for sharing your story, I have to admit it was a harrowing read. I hope you & daughter will soon be free of this abuser.
All who asked questions,
But first HG, I did read the information about the detector, and I want to do something like that but my financial situation doesn’t allow for much spending right now. Im embarrassed to say so, but that’s the reality of it. I have been saving every dime I have earned to leave this place.
Again, thank you for providing such insightful material.
To everyone else,
The outcome of the incident before Christmas was disappointing. The assault charge was dropped and the menacing charge was lessened to harassment. To be clear, I didn’t know he had broken her finger until after the police had arrested him and come back several times to interview me and take photos of the damage that he caused inside of our home (the bathroom door had been completely destroyed by punching holes through the center of it, he’d broken a few small pieces of furniture, a corner shelf, an air filter and thrown a bunch of stuff around).
While I was locked outside he saw that my daughter was on her bed and had her iphone and he possibly thought she was telling one of her friends that he was being mean, but honestly I think he was pissed off and she was there and he zeroed in on her. He climbed up on to her loft bed, managed to get the phone from her while somehow her fingers managed to be hit against her metal bed frame causing several fractures in 3 finger bones and a bruise that was visible on either side of her palm…she was able to get the window open and climb out of the window to get away from him. She went the opposite direction of where I was sitting outside on the ground next to the front door, I didn’t know this had happened until after the police had arrested him.. after I was let back inside he cornered me in the bathroom and screamed at me while punching the door.
Ultimately he was convicted of a misdemeanor charge of harassment, given 3 years of bench probation, has to attended domestic violence classes and can’t own a firearm while he is on probation. The no contact order was dropped when he was sentenced at the end of January and he came home.
Since being home, I have been pulled out of bed by my ankles.. right before the 4th of July he shoved me backwards in to a closet door, knocking it from its hinges and knocking me to the floor (I’m 5 ft, 95 lbs and he’s 5 11, 185 lbs), he grabbed my neck and choked me, squeezing my neck so tightly I started to black out, while he was doing this he was squatting on top of me with one knee pressed in to my ribs, detaching the bone from the sternum on the front, and the pressure on my back caused hair line fractures on the same two ribs that detached. I had a strangulation injury to my throat, it hurt for weeks. He did this because I pointed my fingers in his face and yelled at him to ‘stop fucking calling me a horrible person’ and he minimizes what he did by saying he didn’t have his anxiety meds.
He has said that it is my fault he is on probation and that it’s my fault he broke my ribs because I got him angry by complaining and bitching at him that I think that his cold indifference to my existence has been depressing and traumatic. I can’t talk to him without it ending badly. I always end that frustrated that I have to clarify everything I say to him that he twists around and turns in to something I haven’t said, he distracts me from the problem I try to address with him by doing this and the problems never get resolved. He always has excuses for why he does something or why he doesn’t think anything applies to him. He’s a hypocrite and he doesn’t even see that he is. He isn’t able to respond to me with any type of suggestions for positive change, only excuses and justifications for his actions.
It’s maddening. He’s maddening.
He paraphrases my complaints about his behavior as though I’m the one doing them, but he does it in a way that comes across as someone trying to sound more intelligent than what they are…it’s like he replaces certain words with others that COULD make perfect sense if used in the right context but it just ends up like vocabulary vomit from a meal that was good but was washed down with too much booze and comes back up totally changed and unrecognizable.
He ‘borrows’ my speech patterns, even my interests and hobbies. He doesn’t do anything on his own because he ‘can’t find anything interesting’ so when he sees that I’ve taken an interest in something new he is suddenly interested in that…from purchasing certain types of vintage jewelry to establishing my aquarium. If i mention I’m looking for a new aquarium plant, he will obsess over aquarium plants for weeks. I bought my daughter a bike and he obsessed on bikes for months, would spend hours looking at bikes online until he bought one that he ended up riding 3 times.
My daughter has my attention and I am currently planning my exit from hell. As you know, these things aren’t always easy to do, especially when you’ve only got yourself and no support system.
It’s been hard. I thought for a while that I might actually be a narcissist…I feel like he sets these traps that he knows I will react to to sort of prove that I’m irrational and just a vile human being. My reactions to his indifference is his proof and he takes that as evidence to his elder sister who is a diagnosed narcissist and they feed off of one another it seems.
SI, WOW. Just WOW. How you have managed to stay strong is such a feat in itself. Thank you for sharing x
SI:
There’s an Angel Assistance Fund. Ask for help from the Angels. They contributed so I could afford the NDC.
SI
Logic says:
Your not knowing that he broke your daughter’s fingers at the time is an excuse. You discovered it subsequently and your situation remains unchanged. What do you think that says to your daughter?
You say he “came home” which appears to indicate that he was detained somewhere for some period of time. You did not use this time to escape with, and to protect, your daughter. This is your addiction at work making excuses.
Hard is not impossible -it is an excuse.
Money is an excuse when safety is threatened. Shelters do not charge.
Your emotional thinking and addiction is providing excuses for you to stay when logic says you should just get the fuck out with only the clothes on your back if need be.
I’ll leave you now to those who will provide comfort and understanding in abundance. There will be many and they will say it in a much nicer way. Feel free to disregard my blunt blast of logic (provided on behalf of your daughter) for their kinder delivery. It is just not my belief that your daughter deserves to experience more trauma living in that environment while allowing for the luxury of time and “planning” but I recognize at this point in your addiction that it will not be yours.
My hope is that while you may despise me for the logic blast, that you see it and it jolts you to action over me commiserating and “understanding”, which at this point of time is of no use to you. That is for later – the time now is to act.
SI, I agree with NA, it could be more than fingers next time, the responsibility to protect your child is yours. I understand it is difficult but it is the option you will live with easiest down the road in the event things get worse, and they will. He could kill her next time. Please consider leaving right now, don’t allow him another opportunity to hurt her. Or you.
Hello SI,
What a dangerous situation you and your daughter are in.
This isn’t going to end well.
Please leave immediately!
If you don’t do it for yourself, do it for your daughter, you owe her that.
I wish you the strength to do this.
Hi Significantly Insignificant,
That’s a great name by the way, it’s very creative.
After reading your story, I felt traumatised. I don’t know how you can live in the same house as this person. He is an out of control monster.
You say he thought your daughter was telling someone he was mean and that he was pissed off when he tried to get her phone…
Choking you until you nearly black out … breaking your ribs … breaking your daughter’s fingers … punching holes through doors … breaking furniture … locking you out in the cold ….
That’s not ‘mean’ or ‘pissed off’. Mean is when someone doesn’t want to share their hot chips or doesn’t want to give you the remote control.
He is brutal, vicious, dangerous and criminal. You are allowing and enabling him to do these things. What will happen if your daughter can’t escape through a window next time? What will happen if he punches you in the head next time?
From your words and your interests, you have intelligence and you are motivated and get inspired to do things, like your interest in vintage jewellery and having an aquarium. Don’t you want a better life for yourself and your daughter than to be beaten up and locked out with your house and belongings slowly destroyed?
Seriously, do you enjoy having the police visit you, going through criminal court cases and convictions? He is a loser and treats you like you’re worthless.
When your daughter is older she will probably end up in the same kind of abusive relationship because that is what she is learning from you. Is that what you want for her?
Your situation is very disturbing. I think you need a wake up call. You need to think about what you are doing to your own life and your daughter’s life. This is not the way to live.
All,
I apologize for going silent.
Reality hit me like a ton of bricks, everyone who said to leave reminded me that it wasn’t my choice to make.
I don’t have a choice when it comes to my daughter;
I HAD to leave.
It’s been overwhelming. But I’m glad it’s done.
It’s only been a few days, I’m not sure what or where we’re off to or when I’ll be able to share an update, but we are going to be ok.
Thank you, all of you.
HG, thank you for bringing all of these people together doing what you do. A lifesaver, possibly.
Hello SI,
No need to apologize.
Iam so happy for you, and your daughter that it is done!
I wish you and your daughter all the best.🍀
SI, thank you for the update on your situation. It is good to read that you have taken action, very quickly. You got out and took your daughter with you – to safety. Hope you can find somewhere sooner than later. It is good of you to think about contacting KTN blog despite your ordeals. Stay safe x
SignificantlyInsignificant,
“I don’t have a choice when it comes to my daughter; I HAD to leave.”
That’s exactly how it was for me.
Good for you recognizing the danger you and your daughter were in and acting on it.
All the best to you in moving forward in your healing.
SI, no apology needed and you’ve made the only decision you could make for your own and your daughter’s sake. She will be eternally grateful that you have taken her out of an abusive situation and you will have created space to be able to recover yourself as well. I don’t know how you got out, but there are multiple services that should be able to assist you. In all honesty, I couldn’t imagine your terror, or hers, when I read what more he had put you through. That would be enough to send me running out the door never to return. But if we’ve never been treated well it might be much harder to determine the dividing line for when that should happen. You need to get good people around you who understand what you have been through and want to support you. I hope that’s possible. You and your daughter both deserve that. It would be a good idea to firm up your understanding of the no contact regime and all the issues centred around that so that you can’t be drawn back into this volatile situation. I hope you will stay and learn more and get any support you need here, too. At least when you are able. Maybe an Empath Detector to treat yourself and find out more about your empathic nature and any strengths and also pitfalls it creates. That way you can put the focus back on yourself and see what an awesome person you really are, which you probably lost sight of amidst the abuse you have suffered. I wish you and your daughter all the best, and a life that is far better than the one you left behind <3 Please keep us up to date.
SI, this is amazing news! Thank you for the update! You are a brave lady. You will be in my thoughts, stay safe.
Hello Significantly Insignificant,
It’s good to hear from you and it’s great news that you have made this move. There’s no need to apologise.
Well done! I wish you and your daughter lots of strength and determination.
By the way, if I came across as harsh or rude, please know I wasn’t angry at you. It’s alarming and heart-breaking to see a woman and her child in a violent situation.
Please do not allow anyone to ever treat you like that again.
Sending you warm wishes. Please stay safe ❤️
I’m glad you’re out. If you need Angel Assistance to consult HG on dealing with court appearances, hoover attempts etc., request it.
In the meantime, use the search function on the home page to read up on Hoovers, escaping, lieutenants (he may try to get to you through supposed “friends”), smear campaigns, etc. HG will know which he is most likely to try, but we can all be pretty sure he’s going to try something.