The Online Empathic Target
You are an obvious target when you engage in on-line dating. Your profile acts as a beacon to us. We see certain phrases and descriptions which have us making a bee line for you. You may as well strap a neon sign to your head stating “Empath” because you are sending a clear and distinct signal to us and we will move in for the kill.
On-line dating websites are popular and growing. They have millions of members and billions of page views each day. There are plenty of people looking for love on the internet. Given the ease through which one can browse, select and interact with a prospective date, it is little wonder that online dating sites are extensively used.
The ability to avoid having to plunge into a gene pool of who knows what in bars and clubs and other predictable pick-up joints means that firing up the laptop and tablet and settling back to see who is out there has become a major way of finding that other half. I have mentioned before that cyberspace is a major hunting ground for our kind. From apps to social media, through messaging to the dating websites, the speed and reach of technology is a huge boon to the narcissist in his search for victims.
Dating websites are no exception. It is there that we can sift through the prospective victims, assessing the target and gauging whether an approach ought to be made to begin the additional fact finding about this individual and commence the seduction. Dating websites attract a good proportion of cranks, wind-up merchants, no-shows, time wasters, married people searching for some sexting and potentially more and these individuals often stand out a mile. The opening gambit of the pervert who is looking for some topless pictures of you is likely to be
“U r gawjuss, do you have nudes?”
Easy to pick that jerk out isn’t it? He won’t be one of us though. He is just an arsehole. The philanderer may well belong to our brethren but when he starts with,
“I am married but my wife and I haven’t had sex for 2 years so I am not really being unfaithful in looking for some action elsewhere.”
You know that he is looking for some extra-marital fun and being so upfront about it means he is unlikely to be one of ours. You never charm somebody by playing your B.L.U.F. – bottom line up front. Rather, in order to bluff, a far more subtle and insidious approach is required.
These individuals may have narcissistic traits but they are not in our gang. They operate on a percentage basis. Keep asking for nude pictures often enough and someone is bound to agree. Keep plugging away for someone who fancies a quick bunk up and somebody will eventually respond. That is all they are interested in. They are not after your fuel. We are.
So, what do we look for when we are scouring the digital directory of potential appliances? Naturally, the cadre of narcissist affects the class traits that the relevant narcissist looks for, therefore the Somatic Narcissist will be concentrating on those who look stunning, are gym bunnies, love travel and shopping and such like. The Cerebral Narc will be looking for those who enjoy literature, the arts, demonstrate a higher education and so forth. Those class traits are highly relevant and we do look for them in the profiles of those who place themselves on an online dating site.
We also look for the empathic traits which signify to us that this person has the potential to be an excellent appliance for us and eventually maybe even be a primary source. We scour for those who have the special traits as well, which amount to a bonus. Finally, we look for indicators which tell us that you are unlikely to put up much resistance.
Combine all of these indicators – the class, empathic and special traits, add in the knowledge that you are not going to be difficult to approach and engage with and it all points towards a viable target for our attentions. Not all of the empathic or special traits will be present in your profile, this requires additional investigative work on our part which we will engage in, but we will have seen enough which tells us that you are more likely than not an empath and well worth targeting.
So what are these phrases and descriptions that stand out a mile to our kind and have us converging on you? There are numerous that exist, but here is a selection of ones which are used most often.
- Been Hurt Before
Our klaxon goes off to tell us that you are damaged goods and therefore ripe for the taking. Somebody has tenderized you already and thus our insidious charm will meet with little resistance. You will be delighted to find someone so caring, so compassionate, so considerate and so into you. Such a contrast to the predecessor. You will not be warier for the experience but actually more vulnerable because you clearly do not recognise our kind when we come hunting.
- Loves animals
If you are prepared to care for a lower life form, feed it, groom it, exercise it, play with it, buy it things, pay vet’s bills and so forth, you are clearly a caring person. Nine times out of ten an animal lover is also someone who is very caring towards their own species too, there is the odd exception of course, but it is more often a reliable indicator of empathic traits than not.
- I’m new to this/ I cannot believe I am doing on-line dating
You have not been able to meet anybody through a traditional method and you are telling us this because you feel somewhat awkward and silly that you are doing this. Don’t worry, we will put you at your ease because guess what? We will tell you we are new to this (of course we are not) and let’s handhold on this new adventure. This also tells us that there is a degree of desperation to find somebody because you are trying to suggest you do not use this ordinarily. Well you are here now aren’t you because nothing else has worked?
- I like to stay in with a glass of wine and a DVD/cosy up in front the fire/ walk in the park on Sunday and go to the pub for a roast/ have Sunday brunch and read the papers together
You are a love devotee. How so? These standard phrases originate because you have watched the fabricated happy Hollywood couples in film, or read about them in glossy magazines and novels which advocate that this is the way that couples spend every evening or Sunday together. You are susceptible to being sold the ideal of how love is, the romantic and wonderful view of love and by using phrases such as these you are indicating that to us loud and clear. You want an ideal form of love? Guess who can manufacture that in an instant?
If you make mention of this on your profile you are exhibiting, you operate by a moral code and therefore you will have empathic traits. If you demonstrate some form of spirituality this tells us that you have a belief system and therefore you are susceptible to suggestion. This ranges from being a good and decent person through to someone who believes that love will solve every issue and problem. That mind set is appealing to us.
- Charity involvement
If you make mention of your work at the local homeless shelter, you volunteer with a medical charity or are engaged in fund-raising we know you are a giver and not a taker. We also know that you have significant levels of empathy and that you will go the extra mile to secure the happiness of somebody. We want that attitude directed towards us.
- I am a middle child/ I come from a large family
There is a good chance you have not been afforded the attention you might otherwise have wanted and thus we know that we can secure an easy win by lavishing on you plenty of the aforementioned attention. We also regard this as demonstrating that you are quite stoic individual who has been used to just getting on with things, so that having someone come along and help you and put you at the centre of things will really gain your approval and appreciation.
- I just got out of a committed relationship
So you have and by writing this you are telling us two things. The first is you want another one pretty quickly because you do not like being alone. The second is that you have evidently been the one who has been dumped or cheated on as you are saying you were the one who was committed and you want other people to know that you were committed. This tells us that you are keen on getting to the truth of the matter, an empathic trait and that you will stick around.
- I am looking for a knight in shining armour
So many bases are ticked with this one. You are a love devotee as you are sold on the idea of romantic love. You want someone to save you and therefore you will respond well to such overtures. You have evidently suffered previously and therefore you have been softened up in that regard as detailed above. You are also expecting somebody else to be chivalrous and bear the burden, which translates into you wanting that person to buy you things, take you places and spoil you. No problem, that all comes as part of the Love Bombing package.
- I am seeking someone who is financially secure
You have financial problems which we can exploit and/or you were with somebody who had financial problems so you want to avoid that happening again. You are attracted to success (or the appearance of success) and this is a motivating factor for you. We will be happy to factor that in for you.
- I am ready for a long-term relationship
You have not been able to find anybody so far, so desperation is starting to creep in. You are also a giver and believe in relationships, you want to be bound to somebody and make it work. You have just tilted your head and exposed your throat to us.
- I want to be swept off my feet
Another indication of being a love devotee who believes in excessive romanticism and also a key indicator that our whirlwind approach to seduction will reap significant rewards and find favour with you. You will be swept off your feet alright, you just may have trouble getting up again.
- I am tired of games
Again another signal that you have suffered in the past and therefore you are susceptible to manipulation. This offers us the chance to exhibit that we are honest, straightforward and reliable to draw you in and then we can commence our manipulations of you with impunity.
- Looking for The One
More evidence of the love devotee, someone who is ready to pour their heart and soul into the relationship and therefore you will be overflowing with empathic traits. Not only that, you will fall prey to our various ways of telling you that you are The One, Our Soulmate and The Person We Have Waited Our Whole Life For.
- Mention of the caring professions
If you happen to explain you work in nursing, look after the elderly, you sign for the local deaf community and so forth, this lights up that you have empathic traits and this especially appeals to the Victim Narcissist who will be looking for his own personal carer.
There are many more and we look for a selection of these in somebody’s written dating profile to confirm to us that you will have the various traits we desire and that your resistance to being seduced will be low.
Time for a re-think on what you have written?
25 thoughts on “The Online Empathic Target”
Truthseeker6157 haha, I actually had a three legged rescue dog named Hank (did not give him the name) 😂 Unfortunately, in his last days he became blind.
My 21 year old son says his generation is into casual sex. He dislikes it. A marine. Says he respects women being raised by a strong mom and having great strong sisters. My 19 year old daughter says casual sex is common. She is not interested in a boyfriend now as focused on her computer IT career. Both my kids are very attractive. It seems dating apps are not needed. I wonder how this plays fir narcs when the young generation can have sex without ties as a sport and without the internet.
I don’t use dating apps. First, I don’t want to. Secondly, I am a public figure for professional and social reasons – on a local microscale. Inserting a photo is a problem, I am recognizable in the city and the district.
Perhaps in some time I will use it in some veiled way. I will try to remember these tips. I smiled as I read. Some friends I knew, others surprised me.
“My” narcissist himself started talking about a friend who uses Badoo, catching mostly married women and “other whores”. He hates Badoo and dating apps himself.
I knew immediately that he was sitting on Badoo all day 😊
To diversify my hoovering, I delicately triangulated him with the first narcissist who appeared at the same time with his declarations of eternal love and meeting proposals. Rivalry.
(Yes, I consciously broke the secret of the correspondence).
And when “my” narcissist mentioned Badoo, I also decided to experiment on Tinder to triangulate. I didn’t care about finding anyone, just mentioning “my” narcissist casually, accidentally (when the opportunity came) that I was there. I put in a graphic of a terrible green-faced witch and, surprisingly, there were plenty of amateurs 😊 I only lasted a week. Boredom. Terrible boredom. I prefer to flirt safely with my colleagues, it’s more exciting 😊
In any case, I remembered two people. One who, after exchanging a few sentences and switching to IM, sent me a masturbation video almost immediately. Shock 😊 He was very handsome. I was so tempted to watch it, ha ha ha 😊 But I joked about it, ignored it and deleted it.
And the second. Visually not so handsome, but eye-catching. Very. The conversation was interesting from the very beginning. Very. Remarkable. Pull. After 2 days it turned out that married, child + was a lover, child. I quit immediately. “But I will not beg you,” he pleaded angrily. I sensed this resemblance. Now I know who I was dealing with and why, after a few days of talking, it was hard to end an ordinary-unusual conversation on Tinder.
Tinder triangulation has proven to be very effective. “My” narcissist did not expect that I could enter these areas. Admittedly, for a couple of weeks I was called “Plain Badoo Hole” (I said Tinder, his mistake, gave me a clue a second time and gave me confidence), but I caught his attention. I don’t care about the epithet, I know what I am and what I represent, his epithet will not change that. He targeted me. And that was what I meant. Later, I achieved objective number 2.
I had 3 objectives in this relation. I realized two. The third is suspended, but “my” narc has been informed about it by DIRECTLY, without any games (which is also a game in relation to him). He choked almost. I can shock too. This objective requires him to abandon his control for a while. Getting off the pedestal for a while. Risk, but that’s what he likes. Difficult to achieve, but not unrealistic (we have done it in the past). Time is needed. This thought will circulate to him. I’m sure.
Sometimes, when I disassemble my intuitive actions, I wonder if I’m not a narcissist too. Certainly a large part of it. I know in what aspects the most. One is especially dominant. Unfortunately. The hardest thing is to control … yourself. Especially in contact with a narcissist. He releases it.
Dating apps – interesting experience. Definitely not for me. At least for now.
It’s good to describe it all. I clean myself. I straighten. The puzzles in the head go back to their place.
Thankfully I’m not looking for someone at the moment. I think I’ve found the one, though I can’t say that I’m 100% certain. I would agree that everything on this list would make someone a prime target for a narcissist. I just have one comment, one small caveat regarding #5 on this list: A Bible-thumping, religious fanatic can also be a narcissist. I think that if religion is followed with sincerity of heart, it can provide a path toward being a good, virtuous person. But some people can take religion and twist it into something ugly, using it to serve their own selfish ends. I do think that most people who are committed to their faith are sincere, but sadly I have known at least a couple of people who have been downright abusive, who use religion as a psychological weapon to beat other people down and help themselves feel superior.
Hi Teresa, all of my known narcissists used religion in one way or another. It is an abuse on an abuse for a person of faith, like myself. There have been times I have wished I could walk away from my faith because of things they have done but it is bigger than they. So they have hurt me but not mortally, so to speak.
AV, thank you for this comment. I too am a person of faith and my ex offended me several times because of my faith. But, the funny thing is, my faith is what he told me in the lovebombing stage was one thing he “loved about me.” In the devaluation stage he went on to make snarky, unkind comments about me and my faith. But, you are absolutely correct our faith is much bigger. I’m glad you didn’t walk away from yours! 🙏😊
Hi Wendy, your ex was showing you that black/white, contrary nature of the narc with his switch. It’s all part of gaining the prime aims, this is such a cruel, hurtful aspect of the narcissism. So confusing too, just as they like it. I am glad you kept your faith also. 🙂
I suppose many of them do. I’m glad that it didn’t ruin your faith. I’m just barely hanging on to mine, by a thread. I guess I have to remember that their idea of what religion and God is all about is twisted to serve their selfish ends, and I don’t have to let it distort mine, though that’s easier said than done when the abuser is your own mother.
Teresa, that is what my situation was also. My worst abuser was my mother who became extremely religious when I was 8 or 9 and the uptick in the abuse was proportional to her extremism. She used the Bible, church leaders, prayer etc in her abuse of us and in her excuse for the abuse. I think it helped me that that was the same I was first introduced to religion at all and I’d already determined my mother was not normal, I was biding my time until I could get away from her. My sister was 3 when all of this started. She has had a much more difficult life over all, it breaks my heart for her and there was nothing I could do to help her, so I had to learn to turn as blind eye to so much, that was horrible. My mother still attempts to use aspects of her religion to get the prime aims, it makes me angry and nauseated when I see it, mostly angry now. I have learned to walk away. These things are difficult, hang in here and learn, it will become easier over time. Understanding why my mother is as she is has helped me a lot, in a lot of ways.
It occurs to me that my ex would fall into 1,3,5 and 6. So you cannot even use their profile to know if they are an empath. I remember my ex (before I went no contact), getting angry about online dating. He said on behalf of a friend – I knew it was him.
So online – it must be just as likely a narc would mistake another narc as an empath?
Hi PAWA, well, they fool us in real life so I suppose online it is also possible, easier even. But they might not fool another narcissist for long.
I guess I would just like to think they have a hard time too with online dating 😉
I have a friend who is talking about speed dating (I have declined – I am not ready yet for a relationship). Be interesting to know what she should look out for.
Oh wow!!! I want to try speed dating so bad!! I have actually looked for places to do it near me, but then I get busy with other things and as such it hasn’t happened yet. Yes, I would be curious also to know if HG has thoughts, tips, things to watch out for. Thank you for reminding me about this!
I don’t think narcissists have any problems online! They are the problem! 😂
AV, speed dating, in my view, is probably not a suitable ‘route’ to finding new friends because maybe your ET is not as strong as it needs to be to avoid potential ensnarements with the wrong people? I would just socialise in the more natural way, ie going out to a pub – bearing in mind the Covid virus may still be quite ‘rampant’? That is just me thinking out loud to you, about keeping ‘safe’ AV.
Asp Emp, thank you for caring about my safety! Yes, HG replied the same also, I am grateful. (See note to him..;))
Reading HG’s book Sitting Target will help you identify what to look out for.
That is true, thank you for that reminder NA. But I have wondered HG’s feelings about speed dating in general, is it a hunting ground similarly to online or is it a viable option for meeting a decent person? If it’s a hunting ground, I wouldn’t consider it. But it does sound like fun.
I would advise against it.
😞 (<–yes, this is me pouting now…)
Thank you NA 🙂
There’s only one question you would need to ask when speed dating.
“Do you like cats?”
“Well done. We’re on.”
(You’re actually looking for the guy with the old, three legged, blind rescue dog. He’s the empath.)
Sorry to all the cat lovers haha!
Hhahaha, thank you TS! If I ever do it, against HG and Asp Emp’s better thinking, I will remember that! You know that every time I’m out anywhere now I’ll be watching for the guy with the old, three legged, blind rescue dog, right? Thank you for the tip! 🙂
I’ve seen too many online relationships fail. Often in nasty ways. It amazes me that folks send nudes as much as they do. My niece is a cam girl for money. I was shocked to learn how prevalent online hook ups are. That’s the last place to look for a lover.
I know many successful marriages and families that owe their genesis to dating applications.
Every way is right. Filtration is important. HG’s tips are helpful in this.
Of course, it can always go wrong 🙂
Risk is in EVERY action.
Oh dear Lord! I had number 2, 4, 5, 11, 13, and 15 on mine! Lol
Thanks for this information HG it is most appreciated.