We See You As An Object
You want to be someone to my kind and me.
That will not happen.
You are a something to us, not a someone.
I do not relate to you. Why should I? I regard myself as superior, elevated and special. The petty concerns which govern your life do not apply to me. I do not do accountability. Certainly I have some understanding of what it means to be you, after all I have listened to you tell me so many times about how you feel and I have watched you and others like you so often. I do not feel it however. I cannot put myself in your shoes. I do not want to and even if I did, I am unable to do so because I neither have that emotional empathy or the even stronger emotional contagion that you experience.
Yes, I can see the differences between you and her, him and them. I can see the contrasts in height, body shape, she has green eyes and you have blue eyes, he has no hair and he has dreadlocks. I recognise physical attractiveness, I see the different clothes that you wear, the variances in shoes worn, jewellery displayed and such like. I notice all of that but that does not make you more of a person to me. It is merely the distinction between a washing machine that is white and one which is silver.
Take my television which is placed at the far end of the main sitting room. It is a Samsung Curved SUHD HDR Dot Smart TV 78″ television that I primarily watch sport on. It provides me with a picture which is in pinsharp crikey vision with a scintillating array of colours. The sound is impressive and it looks sleek and attractive. It delivers an outstanding display and therefore delivers what I require of it.
Take you as my primary source. I can see that you stand 5ft 9″ in height, you are slender, with pale skin and long brown hair to the small of your back, which becomes slightly wavy towards the end. Your face is oval. Your eyes are green. You look sleek and attractive. You are an outstanding display of physical attractiveness. I know all this but your primary purpose is to provide me with positive fuel and you do so impressively. You therefore deliver that which I require of you.
You are no different to my television. You are there to provide a function. You are to deliver in accordance with the Prime Aims, which are the provision of fuel, character traits and residual benefits. If you do and you do so in a fulsome manner, you are a high functioning appliance. If you do not, you are a malfunctioning one.
You and the television are there to do things for me, because I am entitled to that.
I press your buttons by seducing you or later provoking you and you must churn out fuel for me. You at the time of the golden period are my favourite appliance. I have many appliances, other objects which spew out fuel in varying quantities and differing potencies. I have connected all of these appliances to me because again my objectification of you is also linked to the need to exert control. If I want to eat some toast, I place two slices of bread in my Alessi toaster and press the lever down, adjust the relevant control to govern the degree of toasting required and a minute or two later I have two perfectly toasted slices. It works each and every time. I control it. It does what i want. It does not refuse to toast my bread, it does not only toast one side, it does not fire the bread back at me or instead produce a different outcome altogether by presenting me with a leg of lamb. I expect you to be equally compliant and effective. I do not understand why you should not be. You are there to do what I want, I am entitled to receive the Prime Aims and since I installed you as my primary source, you should be delivering them repeatedly, consistently and without interruption. I am not interested in the vagaries of your life which impacts upon your ability to function because of my sense of entitlement, my notion of superiority and of course my incessant needs and demands.
Objects are far easier to control. They are installed, powered and they function. If they stop functioning then they are thrown away and they are replaced. Accordingly, when you stop delivering in accordance with the Prime Aims you suffer the same fate. I do not have time to repair you, you are put to one side and a better, shinier, more effective model takes your place. How did I ever manage without it? Why did I put up with you as a faltering appliance for so long?
You may look at your replacement and wonder why on earth that appliance has been chosen over you. It might be because you gave everything you could to us. It might be because you can see that you are more capable, more interesting, more intelligent and better looking than your replacement. Perhaps you are, perhaps those distinguishing features are there, but you were not delivering in accordance with the Prime Aims and your replacement is doing so which means that they are infinitely superior to you. You are dispensable. Ally the fact that we see you and others as objects with our necessity for performance, our lack of remorse and conscience and you can understand (or maybe begin to understand) why we find it so easy to dis-engage with you and place you on the scrap heap and choose another appliance with such ease.
If you end a relationship, you may be concerned to ensure that the other person is not too devastated, that they are doing okay because even though you may not want to be in a Formal Relationship longer you largely still care about the well-being of another human being. To us that is pointless. Why use your energy dealing with something that is ineffective? That is a waste of time.
Your objectification makes it far easier for us to function. By regarding you as just another object which is there to perform for us, that is to be controlled by us and can be readily replaced when we deem it necessary, we achieve our aims far more readily. Performance and control are key and this is what objects do. Whether it is an ornament which looks beautiful and we can place where we want, to a motor vehicle which delivers us from A to B or a dishwasher which provides us with clean and streak free shining glasses, we control them all and they perform.
This objectification extends into how we regard different objects. For example, when you are seduced and embedded as the intimate partner primary source, you are our most prized possession. You are the one which will give us the necessary positive fuel each and every day in large amounts and with considerable potency. This means you will be looked after, you will be treated well, you will be paraded and shown off, like some prize piece of art or an expensive necklace. You will be placed carefully on that pedestal, polished, cleaned and maintained.
The tertiary source which works in the garage where we fill up with petrol every week is like an old teddy bear. We always say hello and receive a pleasant dollop of positive fuel as we feign interest in this person’s humdrum life. We have known this person for years and like that teddy bear, we see no need to throw them away, not yet, but nor do we regard there as being any necessity for maintenance. Accordingly, the corresponding teddy bear has a eye missing, some stuffing is spilling from inside and the fur has faded.
In the same way that one is careful with a delicate and expensive mirror, we will treat our appliances in the same way. Some can be kicked to one side, scuffed and stained, like a pair of old trainers, others are handled with care until we decide otherwise. Our appliances in our fuel network are regarded and handled in differing ways.
The trophy appliances, the primary source in the golden period or the longstanding inner circle successful friends who are non-intimate secondary sources, are displayed and shown off regularly. The much maligned familial non-intimate secondary source, a scapegoated sibling or child, is the hideous jumper that is only ever worn when it really has to be done and is otherwise derided and ridiculed. Our Lieutenants are our tools, the devices which we depend on to do our bidding as they are deployed to achieve our aims.
Our objectification of you is necessary for the purposes of maintaining control and achieving the Prime Aims. This objectification is achieved because of our lack of empathy. I no sooner can relate to how an iMac feels as to how you feel. I have no concern about whether my Mont Blanc pen feels. It is there to perform. I have a vested interest in you feeling for the purposes of providing fuel, but I am not concerned as to how you feel because I cannot empathise with you.
This objectification manifests not just in how we parade you as a trophy, devalue you without any concern for the impact on you and then how we dis-engage and replace you, but also in the way we interact with you. The use of pet names Pet is a way of dehumanising you. We refer to you as her, she, he and him, rather than your actual name, stripping you of identity (see It for an extreme method of doing so). We reject the legitimacy of your needs and desires by placing ours first. A fridge freezer has no aspirations, no life plan or goals and we reject their applicability to you also. This objectification appears in how we interact with you, especially during devaluation
“Just do it.”
“Do what I want.”
“Get on with it.”
“Stop disobeying me.”
“You will do it or else.”
There is no asking, no politeness, no consideration given. We do not ask the washing machine if it wouldn’t mind washing our clothes so why would we ask you if you wouldn’t mind doing something for us?
You and everybody else, from our parents to our friends, to our colleagues to our children are all objects which are expected to do our bidding. Perform and we will keep you. Fail and you are replaced.
Now, why is there a flashing light on your forehead?
10 thoughts on “We See You As An Object”
Your analogy of the old teddy bear, I think sums it up quite well. Excellent article. Not an easy read but definitely an important essential read.
We are objectified and dehumanized by narcissists, I have been my whole life. This is why the “him” reference in the ‘Burn. Burn for Me’ article would’ve been noticed, and would’ve hurt. It is nice to have words to clarify what that behavior does to people, why it is so hurtful, and offensive. And once again I am struck by the similarities that can exist in ACON’s experiences and yet see the difference in the outcome, depending on the genes and the underlying personality perhaps, as well as other comorbidities that might exist in each person. This article presents a harsh reality, it is one fundamental for really understanding narcissism though. I can see how an intervener, one person who cuts through this dehumanization in the life of a child, makes a real connection, mitigates abuse and brings a sense of control, could sometimes be effective in helping narcissism not to form.
Luck of the draw—sadly, right? But thinking about my half-sister, I don’t think her narcissism could’ve been avoided despite having my mother and grandfather.
Same for my sister, I don’t think anything could have helped her except not to live in our house.
AV and BC30 I agree with you both. My grandchildren and youngest daughter live in my home with me temporarily. The father is not in the picture right now. I help raise them. I notice at times I really dote on my five year old granddaughter. The other two are boys are less fragile, lol. I notice I will jump at lightning speed when she just has a simple bump or fall. I think I do this because I feel bad that her father is not here and of course my daughter is stretched to the limit with full time work and the kids. Since understanding how narcissism is formed I am taking a second look at how I coddle her. It scares me to death now that I could contribute to her becoming a narcissist due to “ spoiling and coddling” too much. This is one of the ways it can be formed correct? Or is it much more extreme such as making them feel entitled and/or deserving special treatment by giving them everything they want? This I do not do.
Yes, that is one of the ways it is formed. I would consult with HG if you have a genuine concern. I would think only could advise based on more detail.
Hi Wendy, interesting that you ask yourself on this yet it is a valid question. I think it is something to do with ensuring that your grand-children are looked after & are safe while you are looking after them – maybe it’s something psychological on your part? Do you have a close friend you can confide in and maybe talk about it with them? She’s 5, a little young to be overly concerned yet it is good to talk about it – as BC30 suggested, HG can advise if you feel the need to consult with him.
Any kind of lack of control environment can be instrumental in developing NPD. From abuse to giving credit where it hasn’t been earned, thus making them feel they are not in control of the outcome, to neglect and others also. I would guess that the father coming and going would be a bigger LOC issue for the children and that you would be more of a stabilizing force in their lives. An intervener, from what I understand, helps to offset that sense of LOC for the child. My sense as a grandma is, cuddle, and coddle those kids, they need it. That said, HG would obviously be able to speak to it much better than I, from a place of much more knowledge and experience and knowing more of your specific concerns if you consulted with him.
A Victor ,
I agree with you. I have pretty much that way my whole life too. Can we change it ? I hope we can because who wants to live the rest of their lives like this Every single person I meet I analyze them to see if they are a Narc it is crazy! I just don’t want to burn for anyone and get burned again if you know what I mean . I want to be seen as a human being not an object .
Hi Eternity, I know we can change, how we view ourselves, how we allow others to treat us, what we will tolerate or not tolerate etc. We can learn what love looks like when it’s healthy and we can learn to settle for nothing less. That’s why we’re here, to learn exactly those things. I am watchful now too, unlike before I arrived here, but not from a position of fear anymore. Now I am watchful from a position of power, a position of having a willingness to walk away if things aren’t right. I have an understanding of myself, of them and a game plan going forward. Not to say I’m going out in search of anything, but I’m getting more ready for new things all the time. It’s exciting! And I know that even if I’m not 100 percent successful right off the bay, I will still be okay. You will too, when the time is right for you. 🙂