Dr E explained that he wanted to discuss with me the issue of regret.

“Have you ever regretted anything?” he asked.

“No,” I answered promptly.

“I see. What do you understand by regret?”

“It is a feeling of sadness or perhaps disappointment over something that you have done or failed to do.”

“When have you experienced that feeling?” he asked.

“I haven’t.”

“If I tell you that most people have regrets, which ones would you remember?”

“Which of their regrets would I remember?” I asked. He looked up at me over the top of his red and black note pad and raised his eyebrows.

“I haven’t had any,” I repeated.

“Why do you think that is?”

“Let me see. Probably because I have had nothing to express regret about. The absence of something tends to be the reason why you have not something, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Okay. Now in your many explanations to me you have explained some of the things that you have done. Yes,” he noticed I was going to interrupt him but he kept going, “I know you detailed those at my behest and I appreciate you sharing that information with me. Those acts of commission and omission led to people feeling angry with you, hurt and upset. Would you agree?”

I nodded.

“Okay. Now I would suggest that one might feel regret at having caused those people to feel that way. Would you agree?”

“You might feel a sense of regret Dr E but I do not.”

“Why is that?”

“Why to which part? Why you might feel a sense of regret or why I do not?”

If he was irritated by my pedantry he was not showing it.

“The latter.”

“Because I am not at fault. In all those instances it is the other person’s fault.”

“How about some examples?”

“Okay. Kate’s dog went missing. Do you remember me telling you about that?” He nodded. “If she had cared for it properly and given me the attention I deserve it would not have been lost. Christopher who was fired from his position, he was incompetent. Emily kept asking me the wrong questions so that is why she was treated in that way. Sophie kept asking me what I was thinking so that is why I lost my temper and smashed her television. As for Paula, she was late so I walked off and left her to find her own way home. Do you want me to go on?”

“No, that is sufficient.”

“If people tried harder, if they were more thoughtful then this would not happen. I can do it so why not they? I will tell you why. They become weak and complacent. They think that they can not invest any energy into our relationship, whether intimate or not, any longer. If you do not feed something it will wither and die. They brought it on themselves and they are the ones at fault. My reaction was perfectly natural. I was entitled to respond the way I did. They cannot judge me, they have no jurisdiction to do so, certainly not when they let me down every single time.  They bring it on themselves with their weakness and their whining, their reluctance to do what is needed, what I need. It sickens me doctor, it truly sickens me. Have you any idea how difficult it is to find someone who retains my interest, someone scintillating enough to match my brilliance? It is impossible. I try Dr E, I bloody well try to I offer them the world in the hope that just this once they will match my expectations and not let me down. It always happens. I am always let down. She did it the first time and then it happened again and now it is repeated. Why? What did I do that was so wrong to deserve being treated like this? I regret nothing doctor because nothing is my fault.”

7 thoughts on “Regrets

  1. Asp Emp says:

    With this article (and a number of others), when HG is writing up on his own experiences with the Doctors, at the start of my journey to KTN, I would suggest that maybe I was actually emotionally ‘numb’ to a degree and not necessarily applying my own ‘experiences’.

    Or quite possibly, not given the opportunity to really ‘explore’ how I feel, thought about how I felt etc until coming here to read other’s perceptions of ‘emotional thinking’ and ‘logical thinking’. Interesting that I attended many training sessions, school lessons, discussions, meetings and so on but I never really actively LEARNED anything really specifically important. Cooking lessons? You can buy ready made pastry these days FFS. Sewing lessons? Ah, jaysus, so f*cken boring. I can use a sewing machine if I really have to, I can enjoy it too, it depends. Ok, subjects ie maths, english etc are relevant.

    So are life skills ie relationships with other people, other cultures etc. What about the human psyche? What about understanding emotions? Understanding and knowing about the different perceptions? Understanding the different psychology / neurological patterns of those who have “labels” – no that’s wrong, it should read ‘characteristics’ and psychological traits.

    Ok. Let’s use two very common colour ‘palettes’ as found in printers for example – RGB are not the same as CMYK – the hues, the shades, the variations are numerous. They all have a ‘code’ applied and the percentages of ie Red, Green, Blue to form one specific colour.

    Scientific. Mathematic. Just like human DNA. Some things are ‘common’, ie blood groups. Some things are not as common, ie rare diseases, yet these can ‘evolve’ over time. Just because people are becoming more aware, aka, understanding the changes on a psychological level which affects the emotional and physical psyches.

    Now, it is my view and opinion. Narcissism needs to be talked about more ‘openly’ amongst the medical people. Why? Because, it is in my opinion, that the more people are understood to be either victims of narcissistic abuse, or a narcissist, therefore the correct psychological ‘therapy’ can be applied to those that are not narcissists. It is also my opinion that narcissistic abuse (mentally, emotionally and physically) is the majority of “mental health” issues worldwide. So more people need to be trained to be able to recognise the difference between narcissistic abuse and non-narcissistic abuse (this would be a very small number indeed).

    What I love about HG is that he has provided this space for me to talk out loud. The space to expand my mind and think. The space to manoeuvre. The space to breathe. The space to find myself again. There is no f’kg way I would have been given the freedom to feel or think the way I have been allowed to do so on here if I had been stuck in a small therapist’s room, once a week, ah fkg hell, that would have taken fu*cken YEARS. No, that would not have worked for me at all.

    My comment on this article previously,

    HG, thank you, for my liberation.

    1. A Victor says:

      Asp Emp, what am excellent description “emotionally numb”! That’s how I was when I got here too, how I’d been most of my life. The emotions were stuffed early on for reasons of self protection and then left me with an emotional numbness. All the tears and unexpected laughing, the emotional ups and downs after arriving here were that being undone. Awesome description, thank you!

    2. Joa says:

      Asp Emp, I like the last paragraph about space. I also appreciate her.

      People, friends and acquaintances are my therapist. Saying – do not be afraid to show inside – is the best medicine. I am not afraid of attacks, and sometimes I even covet them 🙂 I can defend myself.

      Write – the second best method. When you write, you formulate your own thoughts better.

      I used to write only for myself. Now I can partially do it here. I am blocked by not knowing the language, translations take too long 🙂

      1. Asp Emp says:

        Joa, thank you for your response. To ‘reveal’ your inner depths (thoughts / emotions) can take some time to do (to unravel and understand) – it depends on the level and type of abuse, from whom etc. I agree. Writing is so therapeutic (laughing now……I don’t hold back, much 😉 ).

        That is such a bug-bear – having to translate but I am glad you make the effort to do so, for yourself. Good to see you here, Joa 🙂

        1. Joa says:

          Thank you Asp Emp, I’m also glad to be here and you are here.

          Unfortunately, I am just falling into a valley where “my N” seems to be a positive figure.

          Some of the posts here are causing torture. What they summon…

  2. Filiz says:

    Fu*kin hell really

    1. Asp Emp says:


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